Searching For Love: Which path will you take?

By Sonia Crystella

Are you seeking LOVE?  Are you confused by LOVE?  Has LOVE been eluding you? Have you lost your true LOVE?

This book will take you on a journey of understanding; how love and its emotions affect us, and why we keep searching for it. We’ll explore the magic and joy that it brings into our life, the mistakes

• Language: English
• Publisher: White Light Publishing
• Release date: Nov 15, 2018
• ISBN: 9780648464105

Book preview

Chapter 1

Love and Emotions

Can you remember falling in love; do you remember how it felt? I can tell you that I only truly fell in love once. With three marriages behind me; it is sad to say it was to none of these men, although I believed at the time that it was indeed true love. How do I know? Because true love never dies; (no matter what the circumstances are.) Love changes when the cracks in a relationship start appearing. At this point we learn if it is an everlasting love; or another aspect of love. Like many of you; over time I too came to realise that it was a yearning to be needed, and a fantasy that I was trying to fulfil, it then disintegrates once we realise the type of relationship that we have entered into. We then let the natural course of events fall into place; it comes to an end, and we are left to pick up the pieces and rebuild our life.

Many of us believed that a person would change if we loved them, and that we would be enough for them. The reality can be quite different. Those of us that are empathetic can take quite an emotional beating in a dysfunctional relationship.

Relationships have a tendency to mirror back many of the issues that we still haven’t dealt with, therefore when and if we do wake up and find the strength to leave, hopefully it taught us enough to seek out a totally different type of person; where we both bring more balance and harmony into the relationship. In reality we can only receive the degree of love that we have been conditioned to believe that we can have, this can be determined by our upbringing and our life experiences, which also encompasses abuse from others when we were very young. It sets a pattern as to what type of people enter our life; remaining there until we have healed and learned the lessons. We can then move on to greater and better relationships and life experiences. If we believe we deserve the best and we have dealt with the pain and hurt from our past relationships; especially when there was betrayal from the one person that we loved and trusted, we are then able to find contentment and trust with another. Our lives become enriched and we exist in a more contented space.

One important fact to consider; don’t expect Mr or Miss Perfect, if you do not match these same expectations. Perfect does not mean the same thing for everyone, ‘Perfect for us’ is what really matters. As we age in years; the longer we stay single the more selfish and set in our ways we become and making the necessary changes to accommodate another love relationship into our life also becomes harder. Even finding space in our wardrobe to accommodate their clothes can become a challenge. We find it difficult to change the patterns and habits that we have formed during the time that we have been on our own.

There are an ever-increasing number of people that have formed a committed love relationship; but choose to remain living in separate homes. When we want more space and time alone this is another option to consider. It doesn’t mean that we love each other less; it is just a better fit in the lives of many.

The ways we looked at love at 16 years old changes down the track as we grow older and become a little wiser; especially after failed relationships showed us that it is not always going to last forever.

There appears to be a fine line between love and hate; especially when love suddenly takes a nose dive or when there have been continual lies and betrayals in a relationship. It can drive us to swing between the emotional thoughts of do I love them, or do I hate them, we can go backwards and forwards with this; till it drives us crazy and into deep depression. It can also stop us from finding the new love of our life. It has driven humans to destroy the one they love, ‘just because, they cannot have them’. Why is it that when we profess to love another that we are also capable of destroying them? Why does love appear to do this to some people, or is it love? Maybe it is control and a pattern of self-loathing and unresolved issues.

The history books tell us about the most famous of all love stories. Romeo and Juliet and Anthony and Cleopatra, these couples would rather die than be without the other, and sadly it is like this for many others. When one dies or is torn away from their true love, the other cannot imagine living their life without them. The pain is so great that nothing quells it. It can take years if not for the rest of our life to deal with the loss of a loved one, whether it is a lover, a family member or a pet.

When we get older and reflect on the past; there are many who look back and say. If I could only go back and change parts of my life, I would make better decisions; through love and self-worth; rather than fear. Then my life would have turned out very different and I would not be left with this gaping hole in my heart.

I have heard similar comments like this countless times.

‘Love is extremely powerful, don’t forget that!’

We might give some thought to another love relationship forming in our life, and then take steps to find that love; but for some reason no one else can match the depth of love that we shared with a previous partner.

When my Grandmother passed, my Grandfather faded very quickly; they had a very special bond and he wanted to join her, he completely lost his will to live. I get this; as do many of you.

Dying from a broken heart is very real medical condition. Its medical name is called Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy or heart break syndrome. It is also call Stress cardiomyopathy and was first reported in Japan. Although we don’t hear of it very often I believe it happens more frequently than we realise. When we have been with someone that we feel is part of us, or someone who has been there for many years, and then they die or walk away from us; it can leave us feeling completely empty and very depressed. Most reported cases are of women and not men, with around 90% being women ages 58 – 75 years. The truth is it has been there from the beginning of time, when men and women were separated from each other and they didn’t know how to cope, or had the strength to survive without their true love.

Many studies have been done, and it was discovered that the areas of the brain that became active during physical pain; were similar when emotional pain was evident. Physical pain has two components when injury is incurred, the sensory component; this gives the brain information surrounding the damage, and the other is the affective component, this qualifies the distress around the injury. When tests were done surrounding social pain; i.e. the heartache connected to the loss of a loved one and the distress that it brought to the person, the brain sensors reacted the same.

In saying all of this; I have come to realise that the long-term effect and memory of a lost love lingers much longer than a pulled muscle or a physical wound. This is worse when there has been betrayal, especially when you gave your heart and you soul to another. We can relive emotional pain over and over again; and it is capable of causing us much distress if we don’t get it under control. Physical pain is different. When we give birth to a child we quickly forget, likewise if a man has sustained an injury he would work through it and get himself back on his feet; and we aren’t caught up in the memory of it. But if your spouse left you when you had that child or when you were healing from your injury, the emotional pain lives on, and when it rears its head again it feels very much like it did in the first instance. Over time we come to manage it, and for many it will fade as someone new enters their life; but for others it lives on.

This reminded me of my son when he was young, he was sports mad; he lived for sport and couldn’t wait to get to the next game. When he neglected his chores, I would ground him from sport. His quick response was if I smacked him would he still be able to go. My answer was no; I knew it was more painful to ground him and he would learn his lessons quicker, the short-term physical pain was too easy. In saying this, he usually talked me around. Why? Because it was his love and passion, and it was good for him. Today at 41 he is the most beautiful human being with a wife who is his soul mate and best friend. Maybe he learned from his mother’s mistakes.

Symptoms of Stress Cardiomyopathy include;

• Chest pain caused through anxiety and stress

• Electrocardiogram abnormalities that mimic those of a heart attack

• There is no evidence of coronary artery obstructions

• Movement abnormalities in the left ventricle

• Ballooning of the left ventricle

• Most recover from these symptoms but there are many that don’t

Sitting around staring into thin air, teary eyes and loss of appetite are also very common when we lose someone through a breakup or though death. Love and the emotions of love are very complex; I will share with you experiences of my own as well as that of others; in the hope that it helps you deal with your losses and your search for a new love. We will also look at the problems that we are facing as love falls apart or leaves our life.

Finding that special person can become a reality when we are in alignment and we are no longer needy, it then brings us many choices that resonate with our belief system. All too often when we think we have done the healing work on ourselves, and that we are now ready to meet someone new, sometimes we will change our mind, and attract in the wrong person again. If we train ourselves to remain neutral and ask if there is more that we need to do on self-healing, we can be propelled forward making good headway.

On this planet there is someone for each of us, even after the love of another person left our life. Another important factor as to why the right person evades us is; we are not quite ready, and often there is unfinished business we need to take care of, which can include a career that has to be nurtured, a relationship can interfere with this. So, before you decide to search for love or put it out there to the universe, be sure you have the time to give to someone else and the time to invest in a relationship.

But, how are we going to find that person? In a world where there is so much chaos and suffering, we all know that love is a healer, it might not come in the form of a romantic partner, it might come through your spiritual faith or you’re much loved pet, or even a very dear friend. When a person tells you that they are not interested in finding another partner that is not necessarily true, they just haven’t met the one who will ignite the flame within again. They can harden their heart and close it down so no one can get in, often becoming bitter about love gone wrong. The truth is, there is always a way to heal, you just need to be ready and be open to receiving it. Another reason we do this