I Gave Up on Myself for Less

By Bryce W. Fox

i gave up on myself for less sprawls years of life, explores the endless depths of single moments, and ponders eternity.

In this brilliant first collection of poetry, Bryce W. Fox asks questions of himself and of God that few have the courage to ask. Much more than just asking, i gave up on myself for less sits with that seeking and wonders at the process. There is no more human thing than that.

Trapped in a struggle between love and loss, pain and wonder, Fox uses his pen as a shovel to dig deep into himself. Every poem captures a whirlwind of feeling and holds onto it, considers it, cares for it, then releases it. Memory, pain, yearning, and freedom—bound collectively by a single life—resound throughout.

There is a strong, aching beauty within that will reverberate in your body for hours, even days after you've set the book down. 

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rosebud Press
• Release date: Jan 10, 2022
• ISBN: 9781737124115

Book preview

M, for everything you are, i love you endlessly.

Dad, for seeking understanding.

Mom, for always praising.

Macy, for the wonder.

Justin, for W&G, being in my corner.

you're somewhere in the fire.

giving up

reveries::

a state of being constantly lost in one's thoughts:

a daydream.

this is my daydream:

these words are its script.

journey with me.

when i am still.

when i am listening. 

i can sometimes hear your voice.

speak to me through the stillness,

good God.

daydream::

when i'm here when i'm in this place,

the walls sometimes spin.

they move, or i move, and i can't seem to stop.

i can't stop.

can't stop running towards anything to fill the void.

when will i finally realize that you alone are enough.

surely after 4 years, i'd know that by now.

i want to be done running.

unless it's towards you.

i want to stop doubting:

and simply know that you're here,

and that we exist together.

when i am still,

when i am listening,

i can sometimes hear your voice.

speak through the stillness,

good God.

mountain stillness::

at once, i was lost to the sound of still mountains.

the world i live in has once again become too much to handle.

these mountains are too much to handle:

they take my breath away.

you take my breath away.

it's too much for me to handle.

and you're stuck in california,

where it's not as cold,

and where the mountains aren't covered in snow, at least not now.

but up here, breathing the mountain air allows me to relax,

and remember that the space between us is a good thing.

but two years is a long time to miss you,

yet still, here i am.

i’ll stay lost in the sound of these still mountains,

until you come back for me.

new::

God, where are you?

God, i can't hear you.

and i know i can't see you.

but i need something, some assurance.

i need to know that you haven't given up on me.

i've grown up knowing all of the right answers,

able to reassure myself when i doubt.

but i've nearly written you out of our story that way,

and truthfully, i haven't been relying on you like i should.

this is it, i'm giving you back control:

i give you control.

i'm not sure where i went wrong this time,

but don't close the chapter on me, good God.

find rest, my son.

find solace in your sleep.

i will replace your heart.

i am making you new.

she said::

you know my heart caves every time

she says that word.

the things she said to me that night sent shivers down my spine.

unable to move, unable to think

for myself anymore:

my body hits the floor

is this all in my head?

or just another wasted dream?

i thought i'd be sad for a while.

i thought i'd be sad.

i didn't think you'd come back.

but i've got this feeling now,

that hasn't come around too often in 20 years’ time:

you've given me the best months in my 20 years.

i owe this to you.

but i thought i'd be sad.

you know my heart caves,

every time she says that word.

the last time::

the last time i was going home,

i wasn't sure what it'd be like.

i wasn't sure if i'd stay,

but there's way too much going on now.

i might stay for a while.

still as the west coast winds blow through my

colorado-chilled lungs,

i feel torn

between my first love, and where i'm at now.

it's a part of me.

the places we're at become a part of us.

and now i sit on an airplane, torn between what keeps me whole and what keeps me here.

leaves of fallen trees blow around my boots,

they keep my