Beyond the Divide: Men and Women Learning from Each Other

By Mike Marvin and Christina Lopez

The gender war is over -- and if it isn’t, it should be.

Most people are willing to work for gender equality that leads to positive and productive relationships with the opposite sex.  Applying the current social and interpersonal tools available often leaves them feeling frustrated and exhausted. These "

• Language: English
• Publisher: Boundless Connections LLC
• Release date: Nov 25, 2015
• ISBN: 9780996945516

Mike Marvin

For over 30 years, Mike Marvin has spoken out and taken action both personally and professionally to advocate for the equality of the sexes. Mike has worked as a computer programmer, an engineer, a manufacturing production supervisor and a college professor teaching computer science and mathematics. In all of these predominantly male environments, he worked closely with female colleagues to find solutions that not only worked for women but helped everyone be more engaged and productive. • As a supervisor in a fortune 500 manufacturing company, Mike increased the percentage of women on the production line from 8% to 35% in 2 years. • He has facilitated community discussion groups focusing on reducing violence against women. • He received the Sara Terrano Memorial Award for excellence in the prevention of Domestic Violence - a lifelong commitment. • Mike was invited as a guest panelist at the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, and the Inter-American Development Bank where he spoke about how men play a vital role in changing the social norms that allow violence against women. When he's not collaborating with others on gender related issues, Mike enjoys running, volleyball, singing and trying to extend the life of his cars beyond reason. He loves traveling with his wife, Jan... especially when they meet up with their two sons in what they consider "God forsaken" parts of the world (translation: no internet or cell phone service). In addition to his work on gender equality, he is also passionate about working towards racial healing. He is a facilitator of "The Institute for Healing Racism."

Book preview

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

After years developing and refining our materials for our workshops and keynote addresses, we had the privilege of presenting our keynote address for Linda Kavelin-Popov, best-selling author and co-founder of The Virtues Project. She strongly recommended that we write a book to document our fundamental and ground-breaking concepts. Neither of us saw ourselves as authors, but because of our respect for Linda, we seriously considered her advice and ultimately decided to write this book. Now that it is done, we truly appreciate her inspiration and encouragement and we are glad to have this all down on paper.

The process of writing this book involved more people than we could ever have imagined. Our copy editor, Elaine Snyder was indispensable, providing detailed feedback which helped us keep the writing professional and understandable to a broad audience. The honesty and tact of our content editor, Darrell Klute, helped us to be specific and purposeful. We also truly appreciate our draft readers, Jan Rhody, Karen McClain-Marvin, Lee Marvin, Dan Marvin, Forrest Marvin, Hallie Green, and Keith Kranick. Their specific feedback helped us tweak our final draft into something we are proud to publish.

We have been very fortunate to have the encouragement of our family, friends and many other individuals who have engaged wholeheartedly with our work. While there are too many of them to name, we’d like to honor the people we’ve worked with who want more options than current statistics, and who are willing to take action to change the definition of what is possible.

INTRODUCTION

We’ve worked on improving communications between men and women since 2008 and we have come to some very basic, but visionary, conclusions about the way forward. There is no gender war. There are no sides. Any changes that truly improve conditions for women also benefit men. Any changes that truly improve conditions for men also benefit women. When men understand how to work with women while maintaining their own values, most men will actively pursue changes that uplift the status of women. When women truly understand the experiences of men, most will respond with compassion when they see the social constraints that hinder men. These are our founding principles. We have seen these concepts validated every time we have worked with men and women together. We propose that it is possible to move beyond tolerance to understanding and appreciation of what we can learn from each other. We hope this book will forge a new way forward which is full of positive, joyful, meaningful, and productive relationships.

For years we researched and actively participated in various organizations whose stated purpose was to further the equality of men and women, including attending gender dialogue groups aimed at reducing men’s violence against women, domestic violence marches, rape awareness events, Take Back the Night rallies, reading books, watching documentaries and movies, participating in on-line and in-person discussions, and leading discussions in numerous college classrooms and in community organizations. No matter where we looked, we could not find anyone who acknowledged a simple fact: there are no sides. We have found that most men and women are mature, intelligent human beings who are exhausted from a lifetime of a gender war they were born into and are tired of fighting.

Our experiences with the many individuals with whom we interacted showed us that the overwhelming majority of people would like to have more positive and productive relationships, and are willing to put forth an effort to make that happen. However, we often find that the materials and programs available in the field of gender equality are more focused on differences than on bringing people together. In fact, let’s just start with the term gender equality. Our definition of equality is that everyone has an equal opportunity to develop and use the many positive characteristics with which they have been born. But when you do a Google search or look through a bookstore or library for gender equality-related information, you will find many resources for women’s rights, domestic violence issues, and gay rights. Many of these materials focus entirely on awareness of the oppressor/oppressed model in which we are currently living, and offer little in the way of practical solutions that real people are likely to follow. We have found many to be based on inaccurately-interpreted social research and surveys that are outdated. Some cover such a large scope of people that it is hard for individuals to relate to any of it on a personal level. Far too many of the resources on gender focus on an us vs. them mentality that pushes for a winner or a loser in everything from domestic violence to who’s better or worse at laundry or plunging the toilet.

We decided to rely on strength based solutions instead. Both of the authors are facilitators of The Virtues Project™, and many of the solutions in this book are grounded in the concepts that we have learned from it. While this book is not specifically about The Virtues Project, we have incorporated its strength based materials such as virtues definitions, lists of characteristics (Appendix A), and The 5 Strategies of The Virtues Project (Appendix F) to develop options that are accessible to everyone.

The exercises that we have developed lead to understanding how we can acknowledge the differences in our experiences, and then actually use them to learn from each other. It can be difficult to talk about gender in a global way. There are societal norms, and our individual experiences are never exactly the same as the norms. In order to honor individual experiences which can be very different from the norms, we try to stay focused on how men and women are generally treated or expected to behave in our current society. If you don’t find these norms to be true in your day-to-day life, take a closer look. How are these norms reflected in the news, movies, television, advertisements, services, and products that are targeted for each gender? While you may, as an individual, ignore these whenever possible, they are still a pervasive part of daily life.

Our intent in creating the book is to lay out a framework for men and women to engage with each other in ways that are beneficial to both genders. We have found that this framework has allowed people to not only appreciate each other’s strengths, but to learn valuable lessons from the experiences of the opposite sex. As you read this book, we would like to invite you to be open to looking at the world in a slightly different way, to be thoughtful about the things that might not seem to resonate with you at first, and to be gentle with yourself if you find that you would like to examine some of your own attitudes about gender. We hope that you will share our joy and find some humor in exploring issues that shape all of our daily experiences.

We want to make very clear from the outset that our goal is to make this something of value for you personally. We won’t be spouting statistics and suggesting you carry a sign to save the world. Instead, we will be offering some alternative perspectives and some new options that will help you navigate better outcomes in your personal and professional relationships. To that end, in this book we invite you to walk through some exercises that will focus on the experiences of you and your mother, father, brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, friends, and co-workers. It can be both fun and frustrating. It helps to keep a good sense of humor and to focus on your own decisions. If you want to extend this experience beyond yourself, do it with an attitude of curiosity and acceptance of other people’s experiences. No one likes to be told how to think or how to act.

The first three chapters of this book will walk you through some exercises we've developed for our keynote address and workshops. They have been refined over the years based on the feedback from hundreds of participants. They are specifically designed to help men and women move past social boundaries that keep us separate. This process consists of:

Focusing on positive characteristics and the behavior we want to see.

Understanding that equality of men and women goes beyond women’s rights.

Examining the social norms that keep men and women separated.

Exploring the value of working together.

Incorporating strategies that make working together easier.

The trans-formative power of thoughtfulness.

Establishing environments where everyone feels comfortable contributing and participating.

The first three chapters layout the principles which can be used to resolve gender related conflicts and misunderstandings. The rest of the book will explore the application of the principles laid out in the first three chapters at work, in education, and in personal relationships. This includes an understanding of how gender stereotypes and bias influence the issues of sexual consent as well as violence and abuse. Feel free to explore the rest of the book in the order that makes most sense for you.

If at any point you feel like you are being led down a specific path… you are. We are asking you to consider solutions which are different from what is currently available in main stream society. We call this guided discovery, a process by which we ask you to notice things which are not acknowledged in the current social norms. At the end of each chapter, we have included a guided discovery section that outlines ways to engage with the information in your own life and relationships. Instead of relying on just one or two sources of information, we encourage you to see for yourself what is being said in the media about these topics. We have included search terms at the end of some of the chapters that will help you understand the statements we have made.

Facts and statistics show the current state of things. We are focused on the future. No one has facts and statistics on the future. Our initiative purposefully challenges the current status quo and invites your personal involvement. We are confident that you are able to discern which parts are most helpful for you.

1.

FOCUSING ON STRENGTHS

In 2008, we began seriously exploring various gender-related issues and reflecting on them with each other, our friends, and experts in the field. Our activities revealed an extensive list of problems to overcome before true equality is possible. When we tried to focus on each issue that needs correcting – like men’s violence against women, how men and women are portrayed in the media, and the wage gap – it seemed impossible to make any real headway towards meaningful changes in our lifetime. This often resulted in miscommunication between the genders, and frustration whenever men and women tried to work together. It became clear to us that in order to create and sustain the momentum of having men and women work together, we would need to create positive experiences for them in order to make any progress. After exploring a number of frameworks which others were using in the gender field, we decided that we needed a new option. Our focus shifted away from all the things that were wrong, and we chose to focus on the positive qualities and characteristics in both genders to bring a new perspective on their relationships to each other. Unlike many other groups that study and focus on the current state of affairs, we purposefully look at what is possible and what are the simple steps to get there.

Exercise 1: We’ll lay the ground work for developing appreciation for the positive qualities of each gender by doing a simple exercise to help us establish what we appreciate about each other as human beings. In the space provided, write the name of the people who you look up to or who have inspired you in some way. These can be famous/historic/fictional people, though it would be a good idea to have at least one person who you know personally.

Now in the space provided below, write what characteristics you admire about these people. For example, if you admire your sister for her honesty and your grandparents for their wisdom, you would write honesty and wisdom below. Write as many characteristics as you can.

You have just identified the virtues of the people you admire. We define a virtue as a positive human characteristic or quality. It turns out that around the world, regardless of culture, geography, and even religion, the characteristics which people find to be positive are fairly universal. The founders of The Virtues Project™ recognized this truth and have compiled a list of the virtues that are universally accepted around the world. You can find a list of them in Appendix A. Feel free to take a look and see if all of the things you’ve written can in some way be represented in this list.

A foundational piece of what we have to say about gender is that every human being born on the planet has a potential to exhibit every good quality found on your list, as well as on the list in Appendix A. However, the way that we are socialized shapes which virtues we feel free to show, and which we have to be careful about showing. Socialized gender roles shape how we manifest virtues. The next two chapters will demonstrate how this works. After that, we’ll concentrate on how we can all work together to create environments where people can be recognized for all their good qualities, regardless of their gender.

As we introduce the concepts of the virtues throughout this book, it is important to recognize that we are offering them as tools for personal transformation. We hope that you will discover your positive qualities and become familiar with the gifts of others. It is not helpful to point out the virtues that others need to work on. To illustrate why this caution is necessary, consider the following humorous experience:

In the first session of one of our workshops, we developed some exercises that focus on acknowledging positive qualities in others. Between classes, participants were asked to acknowledge the positive qualities and behaviors of people around them. As we started the second class, we asked if anyone had tried what we did last time and how it had worked. Someone spoke up right away and said, This stuff doesn’t work. As facilitators we were a little taken aback because that is not the usual response, so we asked the person to tell us about their experience. Well, I went through all the qualities that you gave us last time and picked out the ones my spouse needed to work on. When I told him what he needed to change, he wasn’t receptive at all. We replied You are right! It doesn’t work….when you use it that way.

The strategies we are sharing only work when each of us focuses on improving ourselves, and then concentrates on finding the positive qualities in others. One of our participants said he has noticed a significant difference in his working relationships now that he makes sure to recognize his colleague’s positive qualities in all of his outgoing emails. When we begin to appreciate all the wonderful qualities the opposite sex brings to each situation, we will be able to move beyond the limiting expectations that society has put on men and women.

SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS

The following exercise has two main purposes. First, it explains why working for true equality of men and women isn’t just about women’s rights…there are many benefits for men as well. Second, it demonstrates how our social expectations work to keep us separated and can be the cause of many conflicts.

While we are all born with the capacity and ability to exhibit positive behavior, we get negative social feedback when we display characteristics and qualities that are perceived to be associated with the opposite sex. Negative social feedback includes mocking, name calling, contempt, and even violence.

Exercise 2: We typically do the following exercises in a room full of people with both genders so the difference in the experiences of men and women become clear. If you have someone of the opposite sex who you trust, it would be most helpful if you could have them complete the parts of the exercise that relate to their gender. If you don’t have anyone to work with, you can fill them both out by yourself. When you do, try to consider what you have experienced, but also use the ideas of gender portrayed in the entertainment industry and media.

Step 1: In the space below, write down what men and boys are called when they don’t act masculine. Include things you have heard over your lifetime, and also those that you have seen and heard in movies, music, advertisements, and digital media to which you have been exposed.

Step 2: Now take a look at the list of qualities/characteristics below the silhouette. Along the outside of the silhouette, write those which men and boys can display WITHOUT negative social feedback. For example, some men say that they can be strong without ever being called any of the names in the list, so they’d write strong on the outside of the silhouette.

Assertive, Caring, Compassionate, Confident, Courageous, Creative, Detached, Determined, Discerning, Excellent, Flexible, Forgiving, Gentle, Honest, Honorable, Humble, Independent, Kind, Loving, Loyal, Modest, Open, Patient, Peaceful, Respectful, Responsible, Strong, Thoughtful

Step 3: Next, write on the inside of the silhouette the qualities/characteristics which may result in negative social feedback, such as being called the names that you listed for men and boys. For example: Some men report that being gentle with others may result in being called names or worse.

Step 4: Now consider the following:

At what age did you learn that certain qualities/characteristics would result in negative social feedback for men/boys?