Come into My Office: Stories from an HR Leader in Silicon Valley

By Mai Ton

In today's technology companies, only 10% of women find themselves in executive roles. This book offers a fresh, anecdotal look at why - and provides an insider's view of life in a tech start-up.

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• Language: English
• Publisher: New Degree Press
• Release date: Apr 28, 2021
• ISBN: 9781637303047

Book preview

Contents

Foreword by Emma Pai

Introduction

Love to Hate

Beginnings

Where Was HR?

The CEO Chapter

On Being (Not) Black

Meditation & Ping-Pong Tables

The Calm before the Storm

Burping, Farting, and Other Noises

On Being a Woman in Tech

Hate to Love

On Perks and Privileges

Jimmy Choos

Continuous Learning

On Working with Millennials

Burnout

Love Conquers All

Consulting

My Second Act

Hopes for the Future

Acknowledgments

Appendix

It is not the most intellectual of the species that survives; it is not the strongest that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able best to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself.

—Charles Darwin, On the Origin of Species

Foreword by Emma Pai

Emma, the author’s daughter at 12 years old

From the day I entered this world, my mom has been telling me stories about how she is the only woman on her executive team. She is a very talented, hardworking mom and deserves so much more credit than she gets. Being the only woman on her team must be hard, not that I would know, though. I’m only twelve years old. When I was six years old, I remember thinking that my mom didn’t fit in, but that’s not her fault. Why does the work world contain so many men? Is it always going to be like this? I hope it’s not like this when I grow up and start working.

When I was younger, my mom would travel around the world for her work. Sometimes she would bring me along. Those times were always really fun for me because I got to travel to different places, meet new people, and try different foods from around the world. My mom and I made it a tradition to have afternoon tea in London. That was my favorite thing to do with her on our London trips. It was always super fun to talk and laugh over tea. I’m glad that my mom wrote this book to display what she does and how hard she works.

I remember how my mom would spend time shopping with me in cities like London and Paris. Somehow, she would always pick out these stunning outfits for me. That’s probably why I’m so into fashion. She shared many stories about her work with me. I just hope one day that I find a job that makes me happy like my mom’s job did for her.

For the past few years, I have been watching my mom sit at her desk with her laptop writing this book. It was always her excuse out of doing things, so I’m just glad we’re done with it. It has sucked so much time out of her life, but I’m so proud of her for finally finishing it. I’m only twelve years old, so I don’t know what I want to be or do when I grow up, but I do know that I want to be just as dedicated and committed as my mom. She has always made time for me (even though she has been writing this book for so many years); she has always been there. At least it has felt like that.

Looking back, I have realized that there’s no specific way I have to live my life. Just look at my mom. She is always doing her own thing and is her own individual self. I want to live up to her expectations and live the same life she did—obviously not the exact same but pretty similar. I hope that my mom keeps the same bubbly personality and colorful inside. It’s so exciting to look at this amazing, bright, cheerful, driven figure and be able to say that’s my mom. She is such a great example and influence. A lot of people I know look up to her, including myself. Of course, she can be really annoying and weird sometimes, but I still love her. She has always been committed and dedicated, yet I didn’t realize this until now. I am so grateful to have such a loving and caring mom. I hope you enjoy her book. It took her a long time to write it!

Introduction

In 2015, my daughter taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. At the time, I was working as the vice president of human resources at a tech start-up in San Francisco. My daughter Emma, then only seven years old, wandered into my office one day, picked up a photo from my desk, and stared at it, confused. Mommy, why do you work with a bunch of men?

I looked over her shoulder and studied the photo, seeing it—for the first time—through new eyes. There I was, on stage with my executive team, surrounded by a sea of White men. My small frame was almost swallowed by their towering figures, my tan skin and dark hair contrasting heavily against their white button-down shirts. At that moment, I realized that this had been my reality for as long as I could remember; I was so used to blending in that I never realized how much I stood out.

A window into my professional life

How long had things been like this?

I always knew I sat among talented folks, but I failed to realize that none of them acted or looked like me. While being the only at the table was once a source of pride for me, I suddenly began to see my experiences in a new light. I began to feel very lonely and isolated being the only woman and only minority at the executive table.

For instance, I was one of the few executives who found it odd that the jokes told around the executive table were sworn to secrecy because they were not appropriate for any room except the one where all of these men sat together. Giving women nicknames, assigning initials for hard-to-pronounce names, or even mistaking one person for another showed the lack of regard that was present throughout my career in tech start-ups.

These days, discrimination and dysfunction at work happen very subtly. Gone are the days of overt racism or overt sexual harassment in the workplace, making it hard to pinpoint when our coworkers are acting like jerks. It becomes even harder to call out leaders for their unprofessional behavior when the moments happen quickly and subtly.

Many coworkers can be problematic if they are left to their own devices. Sometimes they can’t help themselves because they are not aware of how the jokes, nicknames, or mistakes hurt their own colleagues. Since we are forced to work with these types of people—and I believe every company has some version of this type of person—the motley crew of colleagues that surround you every day shape who you are too.

This motley crew of work colleagues reminds me of the American holiday of Thanksgiving: Each year, we sit around a table eating a wonderful feast with some family and some collection of friends. We chat about all the things for which we are grateful with people that we sometimes have just met that same day. The cast of characters around the table changes every year, yet we endure lively discussions as if we’ve been family and friends forever.

While Thanksgiving comes around just once a year, I think its spirit lives in the workplace each day. Think about it: for eight plus hours a day, for almost 365 days a year, we’re crammed inside an office with our coworkers, some of whom we’d prefer not to associate with if we could help it. We’re forced to laugh at awkward jokes, respond to messages, and work alongside them, and we barely know them.

The conversations and situations at work force us to engage in dialogues with people with whom we have nothing in common. These colleagues come from different places with many beliefs disparate from our own. Are these the people we’d choose to sit with? Probably not, and still, we all have to pretend that we enjoy each other’s company and work on the same team with no escape except to the bathrooms and our own occasional vacations and holidays. Work becomes very complicated when you are forced to confront these differences with people we would normally not associate with.

I once called out an executive for using too many curse words, and he didn’t take it well. Gary, I would appreciate it if you could limit the number of curse words you use when talking at all-hands meetings. You are more than Gary here; you are a C-level leader, and what you say gets mimicked in the workplace. I don’t want this place to become what I think could be a male-centric or a bro-ish environment. The next day I got an earful from him about how he had made millions and took this start-up job almost out of pity, and who was I to tell him that he shouldn’t curse? It was a heated exchange—one that still haunts me because all I asked him to do was limit his curse words. As a human resources (HR) leader, I have witnessed and facilitated resolutions for many interoffice conflicts. Some ended well, while others made me question my own efficacy, even when I knew it was the right conversation.

The role of an HR leader at a start-up covers a wide berth. We are responsible for managing the people strategy of the business, which is one of the most unpredictable pieces of the puzzle to maneuver. Employees come and go for a multitude of reasons, and you must constantly adapt to a casting change each week. Couple that with many changing business priorities, and the puzzle gets more complicated as the days go by.

The pressure to move fast and work with many people not from your tribe makes the work environment stressful and full of tension. Unhealthy work environments make us unhealthy ourselves. In this knowledge- and service-based economy, we are arguably more depressed, suicidal, and unhealthy than at any other point in history. Researchers published in the International Journal on Disability and Human Development call these unhealthy factors life-threatening stressors. ¹

As the HR leader for six different tech start-ups, I’ve been the