George's Footsteps

By Janis Crockett

Waiting is really hard, especially when you're in the middle of it. But when you look back on your life, you can see how God was right there with you, guiding you down the path He chose for you.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to. At least that is how it was for me. George's Footsteps is my story, complete wit

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Sep 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9781647732318

Book preview

Foreword

Everyone has their own story. This is mine—A story of three loves.

One broke my heart

One taught me to trust again

And one gave me comfort and courage to move on

Everyone, it seems, in and around Ukiah, California has a Butler Cherry Ranch story. There are tons of George and Ella Butler stories about their cherry orchards and their hospitality. There are even many stories about their only son, George Douglas Butler. Everyone knew him first. I knew him last. This is my story about the last chapter of his life.

Questions

The day was already looking to be a hectic one. My four-year-old granddaughter, Paige, was due any minute. I had overslept and was hurrying around trying to finish my shower before she got to my house. I knew once she arrived, things would come to a screeching halt. I would need to stop and get her breakfast and do whatever it took to keep her occupied and happy. Fortunately for me, she was pretty easy to please.

I had been keeping her while her parents were at work ever since she was born. We also spent many weekends together. Honestly, I couldn’t get enough of her. She was such a joy in my life. But that morning I wanted to be free to take care of myself. It took all I had to get myself ready, much less another person, particularly a child who had a mind of her own.

Just as I expected, things did not go smoothly after Paige arrived. After breakfast and brushing our teeth, I started my makeup routine. Paige had watched me do that for years; she was all female in that department. She loved to get into my makeup. Normally that was fine with me, but like I said, I was in a hurry that morning. When I was finished getting ready, I noticed Paige’s face needed washing as she had applied a little too much blush. I explained to her that she was beautiful enough without so much makeup. She smiled when I told her how beautiful she was.

Encouraging a four-year-old to get dressed can be trying. Normally I was more patient, but all morning, I had been repeatedly saying, Hurry. We have to get to the doctor. Don’t do that today. I’m in a hurry. I have a doctor’s appointment. Let me help you get dressed. You are too slow this morning, and I have to get to the doctor.

Finally, we were in the car and heading down the road to the doctor’s office. I was sort of giving Paige the silent treatment and was in a huff while trying to calm myself down. I was also worried thinking about my doctor’s appointment. I had found a melanoma spot on my back a year earlier. That had been a scary situation for me, as it would be for anyone. Melanoma was one of the scariest kinds of cancer to me. I had a fair complexion but had spent years in the sun trying to get a tan. I could only blame myself for any skin problems I had developed. My mind couldn’t wrap around the thought of actually having cancer, so my emotions were raw. Lucky for me they were able to get all the cancer cells in the surgery when they removed my melanoma. I had undergone many tests to rule out cancer anywhere else in my body. My oncologist was very thorough, and I appreciated that. He had me come in every three months for blood tests and to check me over. That day was my regular three-month check-up.

As we were driving in silence, Paige was beginning to realize she had pushed me a little too far or that something else was bothering me. Out of the blue, she popped up with the question in her childlike voice, Where is George?

I had to smile. I wondered if she was trying to get my mind on something that always put me in a good mood, and off of her dawdling. I answered her question with, Honey, George is in Heaven.

In response she said, Can we go see him?

I laughed and said, Someday when we die, we can go to Heaven, and we can see George. Won’t that be fun?

Immediately she responded, Well, we can’t go today. We have to get to the doctor.

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Obviously, I had impressed on her little mind the importance of getting to that doctor.

It always pleased me when Paige would ask me about George. She was nine months old when he died, so she never really knew him. She didn’t even know that she had touched his life in the few short months she was with him. I often wished he could see her now and see how adorable she had grown to be. I was totally aware how prejudiced I was, but I had never seen a little girl quite like her before. She came into the world bursting with personality. I was always amazed at the things she would come up with. I had even started a diary of all the cute things she would do or say so I would never run the risk of forgetting them. I am sure all grandmothers feel the same way about their grandchildren. I guess grandchildren are God’s way of rewarding us for surviving the teenage years with their parents.

Everyone at the doctor’s office was familiar with Paige and always asked her questions and doted on her. When they called my name, Janis Butler, to go back to the lab, I got my blood tests and then went in the room to wait for the doctor. While we were waiting, Paige pointed out a picture on the wall. It was a field of flowers. Out of the blue Paige said, Mimi, aren’t those flowers bootiful?

I laughed at her pronunciation of the word beautiful. Next, she saw a pretty picture of a little girl dressed in old fashioned clothes sitting amongst some flowers. Paige commented, She is a bootiful angel. Then she added, I think Jesus is at Wal-Mart today seeing all the people. I was not sure what it was about that picture that reminded her of Wal-Mart.

About then, the doctor walked in. He was pleased with the results of the blood tests. He always thought I was borderline anemic, but other than that, everything checked out well.

On the way home Paige and I stopped by McDonald’s to get our lunch. We took it to the park near my house. That was one of our favorite things to do. When we finished eating, we liked to walk down near the lake and feed some breadcrumbs to the ducks. Paige could always find interesting rocks, sticks, or wildflowers along the trails in the park. I picked some dandelions and made a crown out of them for Paige’s head. When I was a kid, I would make myself a necklace or bracelet out of dandelions. I made a slit in the stem of each dandelion and then I threaded a flower through each slit until I had enough to form a circle. Then I tied it off and placed it on her head. She was thrilled.

It had turned out to be a beautiful, sunny spring day. Everywhere we looked were signs of the new beginnings gloriously pushing their way up through the fertile soil. The redbud trees were blooming in stark contrast to the bare trees all around, and we saw patches of bluebonnets springing up. Soon, the fields would be a sea of blue all around us, showing us the prettiest part of central Texas. Spring made me feel new again myself, especially after getting my good report from the doctor.

When we got back to my house, I figured Paige would settle down for a nap. I sat down in my big easy chair and slipped off my shoes. Paige hopped up in the chair and snuggled up close to me. She looked so cute in her denim skirt and red knit top that was trimmed in black checked material. She slipped off her black Converse sneakers. I loved to wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. I always told her she was the best hugger ever. Little Kitty joined us and began his loud purring that always made us laugh as his roar made his whole body vibrate.

Paige tilted her little face up to me and opened her big green eyes with a thoughtful look on her face and said, Mimi, tell me about George.

I guess our conversation on the way to the doctor got her to thinking about George and about Heaven. I had often mentioned him to her and showed her his pictures from around the house, so she had a sense of knowing him. Inquiring even further she asked, How did you find George?

Well, Paige, it’s a long story that goes way back. Are you sure you want to hear it?

Yes, Mimi, she said. It’s not fair that I can’t remember him.

My thoughts started rolling back in time. I didn’t exactly know where to begin. It was sort of a mystery how we ever found each other. Sometimes, I couldn’t believe it myself.

"Okay, well it all began when I moved to Ukiah, California, when I was in the eighth grade. George was in my homeroom class. To tell the truth, I don’t really remember much about him in the beginning. I was new to town and sort of shy, so it took me a while to get to know all the kids in my class.

I do remember one time that was specific about George. That spring in our eighth grade P.E. class we had to take square dancing. That was the only time the girls and the boys were in P.E. class together. We just did it for about a week, but during that week I had George for a partner. I distinctly remember that he was very funny, and I enjoyed that week dancing with him. I wasn’t that comfortable around boys back then, so that was a good memory.

After we reached high school the next year, I didn’t have many classes with George. I was taking college prep courses, and George struggled with his basic classes. He was just a typical, fun-loving teenage boy who didn’t like to waste time studying.

I remember one particular time in high school with George. It was something very minor and silly. During my junior year, my class along with the freshmen and sophomore classes were having group pictures made for the annual instead of individual ones. That was supposedly to save money for the school. All the underclassmen had to sit in the bleachers in groups according to the alphabet. My last name was Cron, and George’s last name was Butler, so we were in the same group. My girlfriend and I were on the second to the back row, and George and one of his friends sat right behind us. The whole time we were waiting for the photographer, George and his friend were joking around with us, and we were all four flirting with each other. I remembered that same comfortable feeling I had back when I did square dancing with George. If someone would have told us that day that we would eventually be married to each other, we both would have laughed. That was the extent of all my memories of George from back in school."

And then you and George got married? Paige asked innocently.

No, honey. It took many more years before George and I ever saw each other again. I was too young and naïve at that age to think about getting married. I didn’t even know what romantic love was all about. But thirty years after graduation, we saw each other again.

Paige laid her head back on my shoulder and I continued on with my story about George, thinking back to my college days.

When I went to college, I began, I didn’t think much about high school friends. Of course, I missed my family and a few good friends, but all of my friends were off at different colleges, and we all knew we were going separate ways. I dated several guys in college. It was much more fun dating in college because I didn’t feel like my parents were looking over my shoulder.

Thinking back to my college days I thought to myself, of all the guys I met there, I wondered why I made the choice I did. Of course, I couldn’t say much to Paige about him because he was her grandfather. I reminded her of a time when she saw a picture of me with my ex-husband from back when we were first married. She stared at the picture for a long time. Then she said, What are you doing in that picture with my Gramps? As usual, she made me laugh. I never even thought about her not understanding my history with her Gramps, especially since he was married to someone else now. I had to explain to her that I was once married to her Gramps, but we had gotten a divorce.

I was glad she didn’t go further and ask me why he and I were divorced. I didn’t want to get into it with her. It would be hard for her to understand. I had wanted so much for my marriage to work out. I put on a front of a loving Christian home and union, but what went on behind closed doors was a different story. It was a very difficult decision to leave, and it was a financial struggle to raise my two boys by myself. We had a rough time, but we were happy and loved each other very much. Despite our hard times I never looked back with regret about my decision to leave; however, I sometimes wondered if I had just prayed harder, been more patient, and trusted God more, maybe things would have turned out differently.

Paige interrupted my train of thought by asking again, Well, how did you meet George? I wrapped it all up for her by saying, Many years later, our paths crossed again at a class reunion, and we got married. That seemed to satisfy her curiosity.

All the talk of my past life reminded me of my failed first marriage. I dated very rarely while I was single and raising my boys. I would have loved to have found a good man, but I guess I didn’t trust that there were any. I also didn’t want a man interfering with raising my kids.

I often would whine to my mom that I didn’t understand why God wouldn’t send someone to me. Why did it have to be so hard? I knew I was a good person and there had to be good men out there somewhere. Why didn’t God allow us to find each other? Mom would just say it wasn’t the right time. I needed to get my boys raised before I found a man. My girlfriend at work told me maybe God wasn’t through with me yet. Maybe He was still preparing me for something to come.

So, I sat back and waited.

Reminiscing

That evening after Paige left for home, I found my mind retracing the events in my life that led me to George. I picked up my memories back to a time following my divorce. I wanted to find love, but I wasn’t all that hopeful. I was too busy raising my boys and trying to make ends meet.

One might think my ex-husband was my first love—the love that broke my heart—but he killed my love little by little over the years to the point where my heart was no longer a factor.

The first man I dated after my divorce was a man named Ronnie, whom I met at my son’s football practice. His son was on the same team. We started talking at practice and eventually started occasionally dating. His two sons both got along great with my boys. It felt sort of like a family was supposed to feel, and we usually did family outings like fishing, picnics and just hanging out at the house. I was sure we were meant to be even though I was worried a little about the thought of having four boys to raise. Ronnie eventually asked me to marry him. Just at the peak of my joy and in the middle of planning my wedding, I got a call from a lady named Cheri, who told me that she was still seeing Ronnie despite his plans to marry me. I was crushed and embarrassed having to tell my family and friends, who were all so happy for me, that the wedding was off. It was painful for both sets of boys too because we had all grown to love each other.

Apparently, that time with Ronnie was not real love.

Over time, I did fall in love for real with my boss, Dwight Phillips. I knew at the time that it was a stupid thing to do, but it just happened. I had been hired by the office manager without ever having met him. I was sitting at the reception desk with the secretary on the first day of work trying to learn the names of the people and more about the company before I was put to work at my desk. I listened to the receptionist answering the phone, Peterson & Jenkins, all morning. It was a big corporate law firm in Dallas with many high-profile clients. That first day, all the lawyers were in a meeting.

I know, I know, I thought to myself, what does Dwight have to do with George? Believe it or not, he has everything to do with George.

It was all a part of God’s plan.

In between phone calls that morning, the receptionist was excitedly telling me about her weekend visiting the downtown set of an episode filming for the new TV series, Dallas. She had gotten Larry Hagman’s autograph on a fake dollar bill with a picture of J.R. Ewing on it. She invited me to join her the next time they were shooting a scene in the area around our office building.

My eyes and ears were intent on observing everything around me. I was wondering if anything would ever become familiar to me. Every time I left a job, I was at the top of my experience and knew everything at that company. Then, I would feel so foolish starting a new job, not knowing anything about the procedures there, not even the names of the people I would be working with. It was all very overwhelming. However, I had enough experience to know it would become second nature to me in short time.

The conference room was right next to the reception area. When the meeting broke up, everyone started pouring out. I stared at each face, wondering when they would become familiar to me. A tall, good looking man walked up to check his messages. I didn’t know who he was, but we made eye contact, and I felt tingles. The receptionist introduced us. He politely welcomed me to the company, but his eyes seemed to return in my direction a couple of times as if he were looking me over. My head was in the clouds with that introduction, so I didn’t remember his name. When he left to go in his office, I asked again who he was. That was when she told me he was the attorney I would be working for and that his name was Dwight Phillips.

Secretary’s Day happened to fall on my first week of work, and Dwight took all of the secretaries in our section to eat at a nice restaurant in downtown Dallas. Dwight sat across from me at the table, and we clicked in our first real conversation. He was married and had three children. We had a lot in common and had similar attitudes about raising kids. He was funny, and that was always attractive to me. For some reason I didn’t feel nervous or intimidated by him at all. I was happy feeling like we were going to get along well at the office.

The first three years I worked for Dwight, he never once made even a suggestive remark toward me. Admittedly I was attracted to him, but I appreciated that he behaved the way a married boss should behave. The whole time, we were great friends. I always felt I could tell him anything, and I think he appreciated that. Most of the other employees were nervous around him, probably because he was one of the partners of the firm.

One busy afternoon, our firm won a big litigation case we had been working on for a long time. Once word got back to the office, everything was shut down, and we all went out to celebrate. Everyone was excited. Even the big shots seemed to let down their hair as they mingled freely with the staff.

Dwight and I were always friendly toward each other but that night we made a real connection. Later in the evening he wanted to talk to me privately. He shared with me that he and his wife were in the middle of a divorce, and he might need my help with some of his personal business affairs as they prepared to go to court. I was surprised but happy he felt comfortable sharing that with me.

As the weeks and months passed, Dwight and I became closer. He had been married a long time, and the single life was new to him. I understood some of his lost feelings from my own experiences following my divorce. Soon, we started doing things together and always had a good time. I found myself trying to build his confidence as he attempted to navigate the uncharted single life.

Before I knew it, I had fallen in love; he assured me he felt the same way about me. I realized, of course, that I was probably the transition woman, but I hoped I was wrong. After a year of dating and even celebrating our one-year anniversary Dwight would sometimes act distant. When I expressed concern about it, he would pass it off as stress from work. After a spell, we would be back in our whirlwind romance. He wined and dined me like I had never experienced before. My romantic life was good, and I discovered what true love felt like. I was very cautious with the romance in the office and insisted on keeping it secret, but I did warn Dwight that if things didn’t work out between us, I was fully prepared to file a lawsuit against him if his new love tried to get me fired.

It ended abruptly one day, and my life did an about-face. I was sitting at my desk humming a happy tune as I worked. Those days I was always happy; love has a way of causing that kind of euphoria. My mood was interrupted by Dwight’s phone ringing. I picked it up because he was tied up in a meeting. A husky female voice was on the line asking for Dwight by his first name. I explained that he was out of the office and asked if she wanted to leave a message.

Oh, I forgot he was in that meeting with Peterson this morning. Tell him that Stacey called, she glibly said, as if it was obvious to everyone but me that she was a well-known fixture in his life, and let him know I’m already at his house packing up for our trip to the Florida Keys. I need to know if he wants me to pack his swim trunks or if he plans to buy new ones when we get there. Also, try to encourage him to hurry home after his meeting so we can get an early start on our weekend.

My hand was shaking as I wrote the message on the tiny pink message pad, tears blinding my vision. After I hung up the phone, a sudden rush of humiliation came over me for daring to think I was the love of Dwight’s life. Memories of my heartbreak when Cheri called to fill me in on her affair with Ronnie rushed over me. Then I realized why Dwight acted distant at times. It all made sense to me now. Just that morning, he had told me he had his sons all weekend so the two of us couldn’t get together. How easily he used his boys to cover his lies. I was so understanding and had already made plans with some girlfriends. It was almost impossible to comprehend the truth I had just learned.

I sat at my desk stunned for a few minutes. There were no longer happy tunes popping in my head and escaping my lips. The tears that had pooled in my eyes were now rolling down my cheeks and heaving sobs were starting to jerk in my throat. The more I tried to pull myself together, the harder it was to control.

I got up from my desk and went into Dwight’s office, locking the door behind me. Finally, I melted into a pool of raw emotion like I had never felt before. Being a single mom for so long had made me strong. I had purposely worked on keeping my emotions in check so I could deal with parenthood and a career more clearly, void of such emotional roller coaster rides. Now, my strong rock wall came tumbling down on top of me. I felt buried alive with my head now down on Dwight’s desk, resting on my trembling arms. I knew even if I got my crying under control, I could not hide the effects of my meltdown from my face. My red eyes and streaked makeup were a dead giveaway something was wrong.

As I attempted to straighten up and look normal again so I could go back to my desk, I heard a thud at the door and then the doorknob twisted back and forth. After a short pause I heard the keys in the lock, and the door opened. Dwight entered with a dance in his step and a whistle on his lips. He was startled to see me sitting at his desk, then more startled when he saw my face.

What’s going on? He asked with a concerned voice. Are you okay?

Oh, I’m peachy keen. I said as I stood up from the chair. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood don’t you think, Mr. Rogers? Then pausing briefly, I added with a fake concerned voice of my own, By the way, Spacey wants to know if she should pack your Speedo for your Florida Keys trip. I slapped the message on his desktop before brusquely walking past him on my way out the door. I did receive some satisfaction from the shocked look on his face. I shut my computer down and grabbed my purse before leaving for the rest of the day without a word to anyone.

I canceled my weekend plans with my girlfriends so I could spend it entirely wrapped up in my misery. I cried until my face and eyes were puffy, and then I fell asleep, only to wake again to more tears once the reality of my pain hit my conscious mind.

I was reminded of the scripture that said, Weeping will endure through the night but there will be joy in the morning. For too many mornings I found no joy waiting for me when I opened my eyes. I was aware that there was no easy way Dwight could have broken up our relationship without causing pain. But to not let me in on the secret at all was much too hard for me to register in my heart and in my brain. There was never a misunderstanding, cross words or a fight to warrant a reason for the end of the love life that I had come to depend on. It was just over, and that was that. To find out from the mouth of the woman he must now be sleeping with was humiliating. There was nothing I could do about it but sit there and take it.

I began to worry about how I would handle working with Dwight in the future. I needed my job, so I had to make an attempt. I loved my job and it paid well. I was respected by all the upper management and there was no way I wanted to jeopardize all I had achieved. I was going to have to act professional in front of the other secretaries in our section. I prayed by Monday I could walk back into the office without wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Dwight didn’t return to the office until Wednesday. That helped me gather myself and get back in the routine of the office, with all its reminders of Dwight all around me, before I had to face him again. When he walked by my desk his first day back at work, he asked me to join him in his office. Fear struck me that he would fire me, or I would once again make a fool of myself. I tried my best to rebuild my rock wall around my heart before his words began to break it down again. God was with me and helped me maintain my emotional resolve but did nothing to stop my anger.

Dwight closed the door behind me. He then motioned for me to have a seat, and he took a seat behind his desk. Listen Janis, he began, I guess you have a few lines of questioning for me. Let’s get it over with.

All I could think at that instant was, what an idiot I had fallen in love with! Suddenly I was no longer hurt, but instead I almost felt relieved I would get to escape this man’s ruthlessness. Here he was talking to me, the woman he swore he loved, as though I was on trial, and he was cross-examining me.

Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes.

I calmly looked him in the eye and said, Not really. Spacey pretty much summed up the case for me. I smiled inside my heart for coming right back at him with lawyer-speak and for purposely misusing Stacey’s name.

Dwight got up from his chair and came to sit on the edge of the desk close in front of me, as if to intimidate the witness. Janis, I tried to tell you several times, but you wouldn’t listen. Remember me telling you I was feeling distant?

I’m sorry, I answered. "I didn’t realize feeling distant was code for I have another girlfriend on the side. All this time we’ve been seeing each other I have always told you I was probably your transitional person and to let me know if you wanted to date someone else. I told you that distinctly to avoid the kind of painful humiliation I just experienced last week. I wanted you to be honest with me."

I didn’t want to hurt you.

Oh, and having Spacey tell me didn’t hurt at all?

See, this right here is exactly what I was trying to avoid. You were always so sweet and understanding that you made it impossible to be bluntly honest with you.

Okay, so in your way of thinking, you must have thought that I would eventually figure it out, like maybe when I received your wedding invitation?

Dwight just sat there shaking his head. Apparently, he was saying it was all my fault for being so sweet. I suddenly saw this man for what he really was. He wasn’t even that good of a lawyer if he couldn’t come up with a better speech than this to someone he knew so well. How did he manage himself in the court room? How did he ever make partner?

Well, Mr. Phillips, consider it avoided. You never have to hear another word about it from me. Am I dismissed? I immediately stood up, towering over Dwight sitting there perched on the corner of his desk, somehow looking as though he had shrunk in size while in that Florida sunshine.

Suddenly a thought crossed my mind and I raised a finger as a request to speak. Do you mind if I cross examine you just one minute? Don’t worry, it will be short and sweet. I just want some clarifications.

Dwight waved his hand in a forward rolling motion prodding me to spit it out.

I’m just curious, how did you meet Spacey and when?

Dwight shook his head in disgust at my taunting and said after a heavy sigh, I met her on a plane about a year ago. We exchanged phone numbers, and it began from there.

I nodded my head and said, And it never occurred to you to mention to this new woman you just met that you had a girlfriend? Then I answered my own question, No, no, no, a man would never do that. What was I thinking?

I never thought it would go anywhere so why should I have mentioned it? Dwight responded.

I don’t know. Maybe because you had most likely just kissed your girlfriend back home good-bye and had been telling her how much you loved her right before you got on that plane.

Like I said, I didn’t think it would go anywhere. We were just flirting back then.

Okay, I said continuing my questioning, "but once it did get started, did you ever think to tell your newly found love that you had a woman back home who thought she was your girlfriend still? Did you ever think to tell your girlfriend back home that you were dating someone other than her?"

Dwight just stared hatefully and shook his head and added, No I didn’t.

I see. I don’t know how serious your relationship with Spacey is, but it must be pretty tight since you are taking vacations together. I know now that you were cheating on me this past year when I thought I was your girlfriend, but I feel bad for Spacey because she will never know that while she was falling in love, you were cheating on her with me as you continued on with our relationship. You never broke up with me. I’m sure you will not share that little bit of information will you and expose your true cheating nature? I said with raised eyebrows, meeting his stare. Then I made a shivering motion while wrapping my arms around my body and remarked, It must feel powerful to multi-task and successfully juggle two romantic relationships at once like that. I’m impressed.

I could see clearly that he was angry with me and maybe even thought my words were a threat that I might someday spill the beans to Spacey, but I was not about to risk my job for someone who was now only a bad memory for me. Before I took my leave, I added, Seriously, I hope you and Spacey will have a wonderful life together.

I think Dwight thought I would ask for a transfer to another lawyer, but I didn’t. Over the next few years I worked alongside him, both of us acting professionally, as we had done in the years before our involvement. In the beginning, I hated him. However, the love I once had for him made me want him to be happy, even if I was not the one to make that happen. I thanked the good Lord he revealed to me that Dwight was not the one to make it happen for me either.

There were many difficult days for me as I tried to