Classy AF: Cheap Thrills

By Mary B. Moore

Raoul 

 

I have an issue that comes in a tidy, neat little package—my neighbor. She's driven me out of my mind every day since she moved in a year ago. To add salt to the wound, she's a nurse and the sister of a tattoo artist, and I have a massive phobia of needles.

 

I think it would be okay if she'd just stop giving me her special smile every morning, stop being cute, stop giving me that attitude that drives me out of my mind.

I'm lying. Rose could wear a paper bag over her head, and I'd still want her.

 

The problem is, we're the complete opposite of each other. I mean opposites in everything, including the fact that I'm me—the most normal guy out—and she's classy AF.

 

I'm not sure that's enough to stop me, though.

 

Rose

 

Grumpy Raoul Evans, oh, how I do love to mess with him.

 

Smiling and waving at that glare he gives me every morning, the flowers I plant in front of his house, the packages of needles that accidentally fall out the pocket of my scrubs onto the floor in front of him. It's all just so much fun. 

 

It used to hurt me when he glared at me, but then I decided to enjoy it and just seize the day, so now I do that every day. I'm sure at some point I'll push him too far, but today is not that day. Maybe tomorrow? 

 

He says I'm classy, I say he's grumpy, and the rest of the world says opposites attract. I know I'm attracted to him, but until he starts feeling the same way toward me, or I make his head explode, I'm just going to enjoy pushing his buttons. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mary B. Moore
• Release date: Apr 28, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201219307

Book preview

Chapter One

Raoul

She was doing it again. For anyone else who saw this, they’d think it was normal, but I knew better than that. Rose Beauregard was a menace, and she took great pleasure in torturing me with my biggest weakness – needles. That’s why, at this precise moment, I was standing in her brother’s house with around ten of them scattered on the floor in front of me.

Oops, she murmured, bending over to pick them up slowly. My bad. They make the pockets on these things so shallow, she explained innocently, trying to sound breezy as she spoke about her scrubs. 

You should tell them about it, and tell them there’s a design flaw, Ellis replied, focused on his daughter as she put a handful of chopped grapes in her mouth. Careful, princess, you’ll choke if you don’t slow down.

Refusing to give her the satisfaction of reacting, I leaned back in my chair, and gave her a small smile. You might also point out that if they want you to be prepared and have needles to hand for patients, they should make those pockets deeper. Just think of the other handy things you could put in them.

Picking the last one up, she stood up straight and looked at me, her eyes narrowing when she saw the expression on my face. Yeah, try harder, babe! 

Unfortunately, she did. You’re right, Raoul. I only have these ones, but sometimes you need bigger ones for popping an abscess and getting the puss out of it, or to stick in someone’s lung. Can you imagine how long one of those needles needs to be? she held her hands roughly a foot apart to show me. And then there're the ones that go in the jugular if someone needs them…

I had no idea if what she was saying was true, but the mental image of any of that shit happening was enough to make my gut twist. 

He was so engrossed in what he was doing with Liv, that Ellis didn’t realize what he was saying when he added his own needle descriptions to it. We have different ones, too, depending on what you’re doing on the tattoo. The scariest looking ones to me are the ones we use for coloring in big areas, it’s like looking at a small comb because there are so many needles in a line, he explained, not looking up. And then the piercing needles where…

Before he could get any further, I got to my feet and swiped my phone off the table. Gotta go!

I could hear her laughing behind me as I walked toward the door. Welcome to the person who was the biggest pain in the ass I’d ever had, and one I couldn’t get away from seeing as how she lived opposite me. 

Rose

I couldn’t help it, he was just so much fun to mess with. Then again, he deserved it for letting his dog piss on the flowers I had growing in front of my house - something I noticed as I stood looking at the damage the next morning. I took great pride in my lawn, and people always commented on it when they walked past or came over. My grass was what the gardener I hired described as ‘manicured’. My borders were always perfect, the plants that I’d spent hours picking out grew beautifully, and there were different colors and types of flowers. It was beautiful, and it made my house the beautiful home I’d made it into for myself. 

At least, it had been until Ranger peed on them, killing off an area of the flowers and a patch of the grass. Who does that? And what the hell is in his urine to make that happen? I wasn’t blind to exactly what was in the stuff given my job, but I swear he’d fed the dog acid or something to make it do what it had. And fixing it meant cutting out an area on the lawn and replacing it with sod, which would leave an outline until it grew in and blended with the existing stuff. It also meant digging up the dead plants and planting new ones, which would look awful until they grew in, too. Basically, the beauty I’d spent so much time and effort on was going to look freaking awful for a long time. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t the end of the world, but it was the principle of it all.

So, he could expect more of what he’d already had from me - a lot more - because this was war. 

Sighing, I made a mental note to call my lawn guru, and then did what I’d been in the process of doing when I’d seen the mess, and got in my car and to go over to Ellis and Jose’s house. For some reason, they’d decided I was going to have lunch there today, and had expressly forbidden me from not turning up. I really wanted to say no, badly, because I knew I wasn’t going to be the only one there. My brother’s best friend, the town’s sheriff, and his wife would be there – both of whom I loved to pieces – and the pain in my ass had been invited, too. I mean, hell, I lived across the road from the asshole, did I not suffer enough?

I stewed and fumed the whole ride there, and then I fumed a little bit more when I pulled up and saw his car sitting there, as if he wasn’t guilty of being the world’s biggest asshole. Basically, I fumed all the way up until the door opened and I saw Jose with my niece on her hip, both of them smiling at me. And that’s when I pasted a smile on my face – one which I knew didn’t reach my eyes – and held my arms out for the beautiful little girl who could turn any frown upside down. Well, on the outside she could, on the inside I was rubbing a dirty diaper in his face while his mouth was open. 

Hey, honey, Jose greeted, passing over Liv. 

Hey, pretty baby, your Aunty Rose missed your hugs lots, I murmured, accepting the kiss Liv was pulling my head down for, and then directing my attention back to Jose. Hey, thanks for inviting me, I lied out of my ass – something which my sister-in-law didn’t miss. 

Snorting, she leaned in and sniffed me. Overwhelming scent of bullshit there, girl. 

Rolling my eyes, I tucked Liv’s head under my chin and glared at her mom. Well, if you knew that was going to be the case, why the hell did you invite me?

Most people would think I was being rude - and if I’d said it to anyone else yes, it would have been - but Jose knew why I was upset, seeing as how I’d been unable to stop myself from telling her everything that had been going on with my neighbor a couple of months ago. I blamed the tequila, and the Absinthe, and whatever else we were drinking that had taken me three days to recover from. Seriously, you have a bad day and imbibe, and that’s what happens. Loose lips don’t sink ships anymore, they spill shit.

Frowning, Jose scanned my face and then looked over her shoulder to make sure no one was within hearing distance. When she didn’t find what she was looking for, she took a step closer and whispered, What did he do this time?

His dog pissed acid on my lawn and plants. The whole area needs redone, and it’s going to look like crap for a long time until it all grows in together.

Again, it really did sound like a stupid thing to be so upset about, but come the fuck on – I was proud of my home. I spent a lot of time making sure it looked perfect and was proud of that, too. If someone came up and poured paint over your drive, wouldn’t you be pissed? This wasn’t that far from someone doing something like that in my eyes.

Taking a sharp breath in, Jose stiffened and looked at me with wide eyes. Oh, shit. How big a patch are we talking?

A big patch, and about three feet of the border plants, too.

Pulling me inside the house, she held her finger up to her lips, and then nodded with her head toward the hall leading to where the bedrooms were. She only waited long enough for me to give the signal that I understood, then started tiptoeing in that direction, not waiting to make sure I was following behind her. Sighing, I started walking, pausing when she went into the bathroom instead of Liv’s bedroom, which was where I’d assumed we were headed.

Sticking her head out the door, she took a quick look down the hallway from the direction we’d just come from, then closed and locked the door. Putting her finger back up to her lips, she pulled me into the corner furthest away from the entrance. It was a decent-sized bathroom, but I’d never been one of those women who insisted I go to the bathroom with a friend – that shit was just weird. I mean, we peed on our own normally, right? So why the hell would I need company to do it somewhere else?

Something which I pointed out to her just then. Dude, I don’t conform with this sister shi-shi stuff where we have to pee holding hands, plus the toilet is just over there, I nodded at the other corner where the porcelain throne sparkled. So, if you’re gonna pop a squat, I’ll wait for you outside. I don’t even know if your daughter should be seeing this, what if Liv decides she needs to go in pairs and starts dragging other kids with her, too?

Glaring at me, she slapped her hand over my mouth, stopping me from saying anything else. The other rooms are bugged, she hissed. This is the only one I can talk freely in without the fuzz hearing what we’re saying.

Yanking my head away from her hand, I looked more closely at her to see if she was drunk. The only time I knew of where she’d talked about the ‘fuzz’ had been after hours of drinking with her sister Tabby. Seeing that her eyes were clear, and that she looked sober, it left me with one other option. You hit your head again?

That’s when she did something that I’d never experienced in my life and never wanted to again. She flicked me hard, in the middle of the forehead, with her middle finger. No, ass brain, I haven’t. The fuzz are in the garden and the rooms all have monitors in so we can hear Liv. Your brother’s paranoid and has units in each room now, so you can’t even fart without it being heard everywhere.

Seeing how red her cheeks had turned, I started snickering. That happened to you, didn’t it? Growling, she turned to glare at the wall, not saying anything back. Oh shit, this is hilarious, I snorted, starting to laugh hard enough that Liv quickly grabbed a handful of my tank. Who was here?

I didn’t think she was going to answer the question when she stayed silent, but then she sighed and looked at me. A couple of the Townsends, she muttered, making me wince. Yeah, that bunch didn’t forget shit like that. Mace, she added, getting another wince from me. That was my brother’s best friend, his business partner, and he was hot as hell, too. Taking in a deep breath, she continued, Dave, Raoul, your dad, your mom, Tabby, Ava, the Townsend women, the Townsend kids…

Oh, boy.

Looking to the side, she nodded slowly. Yeah, it’s been a problem.

Deciding to change the subject, I went with the only consolatory words I could think of. Hey, you already had the nickname Shart Lady, so at least it couldn’t get any worse than that, could it?

Judging by the look on her face after I’d said them, those weren’t the words she was looking for. Oops! 

Anyway, she gritted out, her jaw clenched tightly. As I was saying – this is the only place we can talk without being overheard, but I have a way to get back at him.

Those words were winners! If anything could snap me out of my mood, those words were it. Well, they would be if it was a good idea. If it was a shitty one, they weren’t worth the oxygen poor trees worked so hard to produce for them to be spoken. 

Turns out they were, though. And my day went from shit, to shit literally solving my day.

Chapter Two

Raoul

As discretely as I could, I did another skim of Ellis’s backyard to see if she’d arrived yet. Not seeing her anywhere, I was both relieved and disappointed. For the last year she’d been the best and worst part of every hour of every day. It had started off with us being neighbors, greeting each other civilly and just going about our day, but then things had changed. I’m not sure what it was that had been responsible for the change, but something had, and we’d gone from civil to… well, not so civil. And when I’d seen the mess of her front yard this morning when I’d gotten up early for my run, I’d been torn between laughing and feeling bad about what my dog had done to it. 

Yes, I knew it was my dog who was responsible. He had as big an issue with plants and flowers as I did, so it could only have been him. Plus, I ran with him on an extendable leash, and it wasn’t unusual for me to run ahead while he finished pissing and then caught me up, so it was a feasible conclusion to make. The other dogs in our area were all small ones, and my boy was a freaking horse. If a small dog had done that amount of damage, its bladder would take up most of its body, and a scientist would make a lot of money studying it – just saying.  

Looking down at the dog in question, I saw that he’d decided Tabby was his, and was now lying on her lap, more than likely crushing her legs under his weight. I was about to call him to get off, when the pain in my ass walked out of the door at that moment, meaning I started going through my options of escape instead. I could run past her, I could walk around the side and jump over the fence, I could dig a hole where I stood – but then I’d be ruining a second Beauregard garden in the space of a week, and that was just unnecessary. Or, I could just stand here and hope she didn’t see me. 

The last option seemed the most reasonable, so I turned my back to her, knowing I was safe when there were other people around and she was carrying her niece. Fortunately, my friend - and boss - Dave was standing behind me when I turned, apparently about to talk to me, so I pasted a smile on my face and acted like I’d known he was there. 

Hey, man.

Just coming to see if the fireworks had started yet, he replied, looking around where we were standing. Is she here yet?

This was what happened every time I left my house, and it was getting old. Who? His sharp eyes came back to me and he looked like he wanted to say something, but was doing his best not to. Not like you to stop yourself doing something, DB.

Shrugging, he lifted his bottle to his mouth and then lowered it again without taking anything from it, unable to stop himself from saying what he was in his head now. Just thinking, you know the old saying about boys pulling a girl's hair because they have a crush on them? Would that mean that the two of you just want to bang each other’s brains out? I mean, you fight and argue like an old married couple, but I swear…

I held my hand up, hoping it stopped him from saying anything else. Raising an eyebrow, he looked over my shoulder at something, and then grinned as he looked back at me. You ok? I mean, just so you know, she’s shorter than my wife, so I’m pretty sure you’ll survive.

Snorting, I took a mouthful of my beer so that I’d have a second longer to think up the perfect response. Unfortunately, all I was left with was the same one I had before I started. I’m not afraid of her. I’m a couple of inches taller than you, and she’s all of…what, five feet tall?

During this, I’d noticed him looking behind me, but it wasn’t unusual for him to perve on his wife, so I didn’t think anything of it. Well, that was until I went to take another mouthful from my bottle, and the voice that haunted me said sweetly behind me, Five-foot-two, actually. And it’s a shame the old myth about a man’s height and his size being relative is a lie. Or maybe it’s just that way with you?

Turning around slowly, I paused when I came face-to-face with Rose, and saw that Liv was watching me, too. It wasn’t that she was holding the little girl that made me pause, but the beaming smile Rose was shooting in my direction. Call me stupid, especially given the shit that was flying between us, but seeing that smile made two things tighten in me – my balls and the dread in my gut.

Rose was a beautiful woman, and the God’s honest truth was that she didn’t have a clue just how beautiful she was. She’d inherited her dad’s hazel eyes, and with her long lashes those babies were powerful. Add onto it her face, her body, her hair, fuck it even her eyebrows did it for me – she was the type of woman that men made fools of themselves over. And her smile, Christ don’t even get me started on what that did to me when I saw it aimed at someone else, but when it was aimed at me, the effect was even worse. That’s why my balls were tightening, which incidentally meant my pants were, too. 

The dread, though, that was with good reason. She had a way of getting even with me, even if it was an accident. A while back, we’d been at the diner and Ellis’s ex had started shit with him, and then aimed it at Jose. To stop Rose attacking her and being charged with assault, I’d arrested her to keep the peace, and ended up throwing her over my shoulder as we’d made our way outside the building.

Just as I’d started to walk across the parking lot to my car, she’d slipped slightly and her foot had clipped me right in the body part which was currently reacting to her smile. In the end - while I was on my knees trying to breathe in a way that was conducive to survival - she’d somehow cuffed her hands together, and when I’d finally looked up, she’d been sitting in the back of my cruiser waiting for me. Yes, she’d apologized, and it had been an accident, but it was proof that she was dangerous even without meaning to be. 

Both of my body’s reactions warred with my irritation over what she’d just thrown at me, though. You can keep picturing how big it is in your head, baby, but that’s the closest you’ll ever get to it.

Lowering Liv to the ground and making sure she was steady before letting go – giving me a great shot of her cleavage – she slowly stood back up again and then moved close enough to me that our chests were just brushing each other. Well, I say chests – her tits were rubbing against my sternum given our height difference, but still. Leaning in so that her hand went behind me, at the same time as raising up onto her toes slightly, she whispered, Is that so, handsome?

With her face this close to mine, I could see all the striations in her eyes, the dark green and light browns mixing together, all framed by thick, long lashes. That teamed with the soft scent of her perfume had me holding in a groan. Instead, I tried to hold on to my resolve, and replied, That’s so, baby.

Giving me another smile and rubbing her chest across mine, she started to lower back down again, and I wanted to shout out a protest and tell her to come back. Thankfully, I held off, and it was just as well because she lifted a bottle up to her lips, took a sip from it, and winked at me. "If you say