The BRAVO Effect: Strategies for Parenting Extreme Teens

By Lisa M. Bravo

Raising teens with extreme behaviors can unravel even the most loving, stable, and consistent parents.

Is this normal? Should I be worried? What should I do? How do I help?

If life with your teen feels like an endless series of battles and crises, don't give up. The BRAVO Effect: Strategies for Parenting Extreme Teens can transform your relationship, shifting you out of negative, chaotic patterns into balance and connection.

With simple, proven methods developed over two decades, Dr. Lisa Bravo shows you how to change the narrative of any crisis, turning daily obstacles into opportunities.

Help your teen develop healthy coping strategies, resiliency, and a more trusting, bonded relationship with you as you learn not just to survive, but to thrive together.

If you're ready to change your dynamic with your extreme teen and return to a life of peace and stability, pick up The BRAVO Effect and take your first step today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781544519395

Book preview

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Copyright © 2021 Lisa M. Bravo

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-5445-1939-5

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This book is humbly dedicated to those who have trusted me with the sacred space of taking their family through the process of first surviving, then thriving.

To the teens who so boldly allowed me to guide them through the process of holding on and letting go. Thank you for trusting me to bear witness to your metamorphosis!

To my own remarkable children (now young adults), Christopher and Danielle, who loved me through the missteps and gave me grace while I learned to dance more effectively.

And to you, Dave, my rock, my tether, and my biggest fan! Thank you for riding the roller coaster with me. We all know you are the wizard behind the curtain!

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Contents

Disclaimer

A Note on Language

SEE me ANYway

Introduction

Part 1: Surviving and Bravely Saying Goodbye to the Old

1. Your Burning House

2. Teen Parenting Survival

3. Teen Development

4. Teens and Stress

5. Is There More Going On? Teens and Mental Health

6. Teens and Addiction

Part 2: Thriving: Bravely Saying Hello to the New

7. The BRAVO Effect

8. Behavior and Boundaries and Your Teenager

9. Relationship and Your Teen

10. Attitude and Your Teen

11. Values and Your Teen

12. Opportunities and Your Teen

Conclusion

Citations

About the Author

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Disclaimer

This book is not intended to treat, diagnose, or take the place of therapy, psychological, psychotherapeutic, behavioral health, or medical treatment. If you have concerns about the safety or stability of your loved one, it is highly recommended that you immediately seek professional help in your local area.

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A Note on Language

I use the terms marriage, partner, and co-parent to include all forms of relationships that share in the parenting of the teen for whom you are reading this book.

The singular pronouns he, she, and they are used throughout the book in accordance with the proper use of gender-diverse terminology and the most current application of they as the pronoun to represent someone who chooses it because they are nonbinary in their gender expression.

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SEE me ANYway

I am a whirling dervish, untethered, wreaking havoc.

I push and pull, frantically and chaotically, unsure of my target.

Fear me. I am a steel wall affixed with razor wire—resistant and sharp.

So safe. So disaffected.

Yet, behind this wall lies my truth.

Broken and confused, inside and out.

Fear and self-loathing prevail.

I am TOO much.

For me. For you. For them.

ALLways TOO much.

Frozen in time.

No way to navigate this storm.

Cannot imagine what the future holds.

Misunderstood. Mistaken. Misfit.

I have become numb and unfeeling.

I take refuge in the familiar chaos of dancing in the fire.

Within it, I feel…I connect…I love.

When we dance in the fire, I feel YOUR love, YOUR connection.

You dance with me. Every. Single. Time.

I feel alive…And seen…And terrified to change.

I scream for you…SEE me. LOVE me. FIGHT for me.

My actions are my FEAR, not my heart.

Hold on even tighter as I let go.

Anchor me through the storm.

Will you still see me if there is no danger?

Hear me if there is no scream?

Hold me without restraint?

Will you…see me ANYway?

I will dare to change.

Desperate to know you will see me then.

Hold on tighter or just let go?

I want to share it all with you, but I am afraid.

GOOD. BAD. UGLY.

Will you…see me ANYway?

Love me…more than I know how to love me.

Show me how to start again.

The fight makes me stronger, the struggle even more clever.

I need the fight to teach me

That I am not alone.

LOVE me despite the chaos.

Be my beacon in the storm.

Steady. Bright. Unwavering. Tethered.

When you do, I will learn that I can get through it.

I will learn to survive, to strive…and then…eventually to thrive.

By Lisa M. Bravo

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Introduction

There is nothing I can do to help you. It is not going to get better. I promise.

Imagine you’re at your wit’s end with your teen, and a counselor says this to you. Desperate, panicked, exhausted, and about to lose your mind, in this moment, all you want is to find someone—ANYONE—who knows what to do to stop the bleeding and help get your life and your family back.

Many parents come to my office who are desperate for someone to help them with their teen. They are loving, intelligent, successful people who are failing at family. The LAST thing they want to do is come to me for counsel, but they feel ashamed, inadequate, confused, and ill-equipped. They are intelligent, driven, and successful in every other aspect of their lives, so why is parenting SO hard?

In my practice, I have met many talented and successful professionals (doctors, lawyers, CEOs, athletes, psychologists, teachers, and politicians) who believed they could conquer anything life threw at them—until they became parents. Parenting a child who is teetering on the brink of destruction is terrifying, no matter how successful you are in other areas of life. Sometimes it leaves the parent frozen in space and unsure how to proceed. Other times it crushes them—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The truth is, there is no other relationship that will challenge every aspect of the human spirit more than the role of a parent.

If you are reading this book, chances are you are in the midst of a parenting crisis.

In the coming chapters, I will teach you how to take your family back, become an effective household leader, and restore damaged relationships. I will arm you with a new framework so you can redefine your relationship patterns to ensure they are more connected and sustainable.

Is This Book for You?

Before you continue any further, you should determine whether or not this book is for you. You are in full-blown crisis mode with your teen—you don’t have time to waste on a book that isn’t going to solve your problem.

This book IS for you if you:

Desire a comprehensive way to parent your teen through early adulthood.

Understand your role in the parent/child dynamic and want to implement healthy patterns concretely.

Want a framework to apply to your life that will restore harmony and balance.

This book is NOT for you if you:

Attach yourself to the illusion of your life, not the reality, and aren’t interested in exploring other ways to see the picture.

Are keen on exerting power and control as the parent, regardless of the negative impact it is having on your relationship.

Believe your child’s problems are due to just who they are.

Restoring harmony and balance between you and your teen won’t be easy—it’s going to take a lot of hard work. If you aren’t mentally prepared for the challenge or if you’re intent on keeping things the way they are, this isn’t the book for you.

Welcome to My Office!

I wrote this book with the intention to share the wisdom and knowledge I gained over the past twenty-plus years, and I am committed to bravely sharing my experiences as a clinician and parent. In my office, I can help only one family at a time, but it is my hope that this book will cast a wider net and reach more parents of teens who are desperate for a better, more hopeful, and harmonious path.

My experiences with rebellious teens began long ago…

As an angry, difficult, and rebellious teenager, I learned all about the intimate dance between love and rage. I learned (the hard way) about boundaries, limits, and how to mask, manage, and ignore emotional pain. I knew my parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had—there is no question they loved me, but I needed more. A LOT more. It took years, but eventually, I crawled out of my hole and began to live a purposeful life. Through many painful experiences, I learned how to survive, navigate, and eventually thrive.

It has been said that through struggle comes strength. Through a series of painful emotional experiences, I grew strong and wise. I also developed an uncanny gift for being able to see past a person’s expressed rage and into their pain. Every difficulty in my past forged me into who I am today.

As a parent, I was desperate to find a balanced parenting approach to allow me to be connected and loving while at the same time, provide the structure and clarity necessary for my children to thrive. Like many of you, I was on a quest to heal my own difficult childhood experiences through my experience as a parent. On the very day I heard my mother’s angry (yet familiar) words come out of my own mouth, I began a quest to teach myself HOW to parent. I began by researching, and what I found was A LOT of competing (and confusing) information—I did not know where to begin. There are literally 60,000 books on parenting on Amazon. This alone tells me that it is a difficult job and that it’s OK that I don’t just know how to do it!

Through the parenting process, I learned there is untapped wisdom available in every moment. This idea fortified my ability to see the opportunity inherent in every perceived obstacle. I made the conscious decision to dig beneath the behavior and bravely see my children through a prism of untapped potential and strengths—I had the opportunity to build strong, unwavering, and connected relationships with them. They are now young adults on the cusp of complete independence, and I am in awe of how remarkably they live their lives.

As a Doctor of Behavioral Health in private practice with two-plus decades of experience in the study of human behavior, I know how easy it is for loving, intelligent, and well-intentioned parents to get off course. I have personally been there myself—more times than I care to recall!

I often tell parents their children are their greatest teachers. They have very high expectations of us, they hold us accountable, and we are not allowed to quit—EVER. Becoming a parent is likely the most out of control, unpredictable, exhausting, and rewarding life experience you will ever encounter. However, few of us are adequately prepared for the journey. I hope this book will help you unlock the wisdom and knowledge that is already a part of you and serve as a guide in your role as a parent.

How NOT to Use This Book

If you purchased this book, it is safe to assume all is not well. (You’re in full crisis mode.) It is probably even more accurate to assume that you are in search of a fast solution. While I completely understand the immediacy of your need, please know that there is a method and purpose to the book’s order and flow.

The book is divided into two parts—Part 1 addresses the WHY and Part 2, the HOW. I have found that parents need to know WHY their teen behaves the way they do before they can fully lean into HOW. If you begin with the HOW without first fully understanding the WHY, you will not obtain the same results.

Maybe you are like me and need to know what you are preparing to spend a big chunk of your precious time on. If so, I suggest you review the table of contents and then (and only then) commit to reading the book from start to finish. I promise you will complete this book with a greater understanding of what fed the negative behaviors in your family system and provide a new framework for interacting with your family.

How TO Use This Book

WARNING! This book is NOT for the faint of heart. It will require commitment, determination, change, and A LOT of soul-searching. Raising children involves many layers and relational dynamics. As a parent, you are directly affected by your teen. The tension and chaos that has ensued with your teen directly impacts both the family system AND the marital relationship, co-parenting agreement, partnership, etc. While the primary focus is about how to get the misbehavior, acting out, rebellion, entitlement, and/or contention to stop, I am fully aware that you, the parent, pay an enormous emotional price in the process.

Congratulations on your decision to take back your power and move forward with a concrete plan!

I have purposely designed the content to unfold in a way that not only brings you clarity in terms of parenting your teen but also insight into how you are processing, internalizing, and marinating in the ideas. I invite you to notice how you react and respond to the content presented. Do you skip certain sections and race through other sections mindlessly? Or do you consciously and mindfully self-assess and readjust? Be aware of how you feel as you read through each chapter. It will provide you with the necessary information about how well you manage your stress and how well you care for YOU.

The purpose of this book is to provide a template of essential elements to consider as you move through your parenting journey. You will discover the alchemy within these pages—each chapter will discuss self-care, relationship dynamics, co-parenting, and redefining your role as the parent of a challenging teen. Each chapter is fortified with practical wisdom based upon my professional life and entails the truth and experiences of real families (of which I have had the honor of treating), as well as my personal experiences. I will share insights with you that are intended to turn the tide of negativity and actively rebuild dynamics to encourage success. While many of the examples provided are for the preteen/adolescent age group, they are highly applicable to other ages and stages as well. I have focused on this age group particularly because I have found that this developmental stage is pivotal for both parents and children alike.

In Part 1 of the book (the WHY), I will lay the groundwork to fully implement the BRAVO Effect into your everyday life. I will discuss the relevant topics affecting teens and families today and share my knowledge about everything from adolescent development to extreme behaviors (defiance, self-harm, drug addiction, suicide, etc.) and how to talk about them with your teen. I will offer many real-life examples and provide pragmatic information about how to address these topics in the healthiest and most productive ways. I will begin with a focus on the behavioral aspects of teens because I know this is what you believe you need help with the most. This assumption comes from many years of meeting with parents in the midst of having a metaphorical house on fire. Once we get these topics addressed, and you are able to take a breath, we will move on to Part 2.

In Part 2, I will present the BRAVO Effect and how to implement the process. In this section, we will dive deep into the five core components of the BRAVO Effect: Behavior, Relationship, Attitude, Values, and Opportunity, and exactly how to plug them into your relationship with your teen.

Many of you will be tempted to skip past Part 1 in all of its intensity and focus on Part 2. While it is OK—and encouraged—to peek at what is to come, PLEASE resist reading the book out of order! Trust that there is a method to the madness because there is! Part 1 holds the foundational knowledge necessary to implement the BRAVO Effect. Without it, the BRAVO Effect may have less of an impact.

I have treated thousands of families in multiple settings over the years, and I have learned what works and what doesn’t. The BRAVO Effect is a simple process, but it is, by no means, easy.

The BRAVO Effect

What we do in the face of crisis defines every aspect of how we live our lives moving forward. This requires a conscious and accurate appraisal of our behaviors, relationships, attitudes, values, and available opportunities. The BRAVO Effect is an interventional framework for stabilizing crisis in families and cultivating connected and sustainable relationships. The framework represents a refined version of thousands of hours studying human behavior and the process of change. It is the culmination of the latest science synthesized with twenty-five years as a family therapist, as well as my personal experiences as a wife, mother, and human.

As parents, we gain great clarity through crisis and discord. We often decide what behaviors we will and will not put up with moving forward, we make decisions about how we will show up differently in the next crisis, and we experience remorse, regret, and shame. The crisis ignites clarity and conviction.

However, many parents find it difficult to implement changes that are lasting and sustainable. They often miss the fertile ground for change that the crisis creates. The BRAVO Effect provides a process for maximizing the opportunity and helps you identify and activate intentional change.

The five core components of the BRAVO Effect framework are Behavior, Relationship, Attitude, Values, and Opportunity. As humans, we learn by:

Behavior: What behaviors are you seeing? What is being communicated? Is your behavior aligned with your intention?

Relationship: What is the current state of the relationship? Does it align with your purpose? How are you communicating (behavior) and connecting (relationship)?

Attitude: How do you see the picture? What is your comprehensive (mind/body/spirit) experience?

Values: What is your worldview? Does it align with what you desire?

Opportunity: What is the opportunity?

In Part 2 of the book, you will learn how to implement each component to actively help you identify needs, expose distortions, and develop intentional goals. However, as we begin the journey of awakening and new understanding, we must first comprehend the impact that living in toxicity creates.

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Part 1

Part 1: Surviving and Bravely Saying Goodbye to the Old

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Chapter 1

1. Your Burning House

BE Brave. BE True. BE Discerning.

The Story of a Joyriding Teen

A couple came into my office on the heels of a crisis with their fifteen-year-old son. He was caught taking the car for a joyride with his friends in the middle of the night. They explained their frustration over the past year with his lack of care for himself, his schoolwork, and his family. His parents described him as disrespectful, self-involved, and oppositional.

He was recently caught dabbling in vaping and alcohol, and his parents expressed fear and anger over his most recent incident. When I asked what the consequence would be for his decision, they stared at me blankly for a moment. The husband then said they would be taking his phone away because that is the only thing he cares about. The wife rolled her eyes, looked at me, and said, That’s all we’ve got. We cannot take much more. He is ruining our family and destroying our marriage. What else should we take away so that he knows we mean it?

These parents are not unlike most parents. They are overwhelmed and out of ideas. When adolescence hits, many parents feel confused and conflicted about how to parent. They have come to me for help and guidance, but what they really, secretly want from me is a bottle of magic beans or a quick fix to get out of the pain and back into life.

Many parents resonate with the combined sense of desperation and apathy witnessed in this story. Being in a constant state of mixed emotions while trying to solve a problem with your teen is like trying to put out a house fire with a garden hose.

Imagine you are standing there watching your life burn up before your eyes. You are completely panicked and, in an effort to mitigate the damages, you frantically douse the nearest flames to keep them at bay. For a time, you are able to keep the flames from burning your feet, but you look up and see the house and surrounding forest fully engulfed. Completely panicked, you continue to put out the flames with your garden hose. You KNOW this is futile, yet you still keep