Holidays in Asshat Collection: Magic and Mayhem Universe: Holidays in Assjacket

By Amy Gregory

Travel to Assjacket, West Virginia for the holidays. Off the beaten path, only for immortals to enjoy. They have plenty of fun, but also have to deal with real life as in fathers who poof boyfriends away, having to go to the nasty Magic Pokey. Come meet some new folks and catch up with some old friends too. As always--there's never a dull moment in Assjacket. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Amy Gregory
• Release date: Apr 19, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393465386

Amy Gregory

When asked ‘when do you have time to write’, Amy Gregory simply laughs.  The real answer is, “in bits and pieces”.  She and her husband live in Kansas City with their three fantastic kids that keep them running in three very different directions.  Because she sits so much, she always carries a notebook with her at all times. She has an off the wall, snarky, off the cuff sense of humor that often shocks even those who’ve known her for years.  And she loves that her children have all been blessed that ability to make others laugh as well.  At least she’s grateful most of the time!  Her husband often teases her about how she “makes this stuff up” when he’s reading a piece of her work. … The answer—“it just comes to me when I’m typing”. Scary thought, huh!

Book preview

Holiday Magic

Sheltered would be an understatement as to how Lessy Jones was raised. Now she is on her way to Assjacket, West Virginia with only her furry best friend and a broken heart. Leaving town was her way to escape her overbearing father, but the dream of opening her store was supposed to be with the love of her life. However, Billy Wilder has vanished without a trace.

Chapter 1

Lessy Jones checked her phone for the third time in ten minutes. Billy hadn’t called or messaged in days. They hadn’t fought. No bad moods had cut their night short. Nothing was different that Lessy could recall. Bill Wilder, or Billy, as she’d called him since they were kids, had been her next-door neighbor since birth. Growing up together, they’d had their moments when she wondered if he only saw her as a sister-type friend. Until one summer night three and a half years ago.

She’d had very little interaction with anyone outside of the house staff and in-home tutors. Billy was the only one allowed in, and his house was the only place she could go. Lessy grew up knowing that she was different, an immortal in a mortal’s world. Her father told her it wasn’t safe—and she’d always taken his warning at face value.

It wasn’t until Billy was getting his business degree online that things changed. Outside by his pool, they’d slipped into a very intense conversation. Billy told her how smothered she was kept, how things were in other parts of the country. He told her about safe towns meant completely for immortals such as themselves.

That night, under the stars, he finally took her hand and spilled his heart, telling her how he wished they were more than friends—asking if they could be.

Since then, they’d had many nights of hand-holding, stolen kisses, and formal dates. He graduated and started talking about their future together. They’d started discussing the towns he had heard about, places they could go together and be safe. The two of them were making some plans for big life changes. Or they had been, until five days prior.

Her face heated, and she swiped at the tears to keep them from falling again. Billy wasn’t only her boyfriend. He was her best friend. More than just moving, Billy had been hinting, feeling her out about taking the next step.

Exchanging rings.

Lessy shut her eyes tight as she held Billy’s favorite sweatshirt to her nose. Smelling his scent helped her get through the long days and even longer nights. His familiar cologne filled her senses. He’d never changed it. A secret story of theirs she’d never tell her parents.

She recalled the day she had embarrassed herself so bad. He’d gone to the mall, bringing back a beautiful, dainty necklace for her and a small bag for himself. He finally admitted he felt he needed cologne, that he was a college student—technically a man. She’d teased him mercilessly but loved the smell of the scent he’d picked out. When she would notice the bottle on his dresser getting low, she’d order a replacement online.

It started their back-and-forth banter of how amazing he was at picking out clothes, shoes, and cologne, all the things needed to dress for success. She would laugh and tell him their dream together didn’t involve big fancy offices or important meetings where those things were necessary.

Their dream… Where was he? Deep in her gut, she felt something was wrong, and Billy had never been the type to take off without a word. A long weekend camping with guy friends here or there, but never without telling her he’d keep in touch.

She cuddled into the masculine scent, breathing it in so deep, she could almost sense his arms around her. That woodsy aroma had pushed him across the imaginary line of adolescence to being a hot-blooded man, one she loved with all her being.

What are you doing, young lady?

Her father’s booming voice startled her, and she dropped Billy’s shirt. She bent to pick it up again. Why are you sneaking up on me? Why are you still home? You haven’t left for work yet? And why are you so mad? Your face is all red, and you have that mean crinkle you get between your brows.

Quit being naïve about Billy and move on, he said.

All the fear Lessy had been harboring about Billy’s whereabouts skyrocketed. The truth of his disappearance lay somewhere between her father’s admonishment and the anger in his eyes. One look, one statement, and Lessy knew.

Move…on? What did you do, Father? she asked.

What any father would in my situation. I took matters into my own hands. You and your foolish dreams… It’s time you start to date within the world in which your name matters.

Lessy glanced at her mother, who stood two feet behind her father, her mouth shut tight, her expression perfectly schooled.

My dreams? How do you even know what I want for my life? And…my name? What does my name have to do with Billy? And what did you do?

Her bedroom walls suddenly felt like they were closing in around her, though her house was technically a mansion, in all its eight-thousand-square-foot glory. Ivy vines crept up old brick walls. The entire five acres were surrounded by an iron gate and beautifully trimmed gardens. Her father saw to it their wealth was not only known but seen to all outsiders.

Something she’d never understood until she and Billy had been on his laptop in his kitchen, looking at places outside Hollytown, Vermont. It was then that she got a glimpse into the reality of her father’s dominance, his need for power.

Her room had been a sanctuary, her only place in the house where she felt all the pretenses fall away once her door was shut. When she was around her parents, she’d inherently known to keep her back straight, head high, manners perfect, and conversation in proper order. It was why she and Billy more often found themselves at his house rather than anywhere on her property.

The calmness she normally felt in her childhood bedroom, despite the changes from pink-and-purple butterfly wallpaper to a room covered in teenage memorabilia to what it was now, was gone. The soothing pale blues and grays it was decorated in did nothing to ease her pounding heart. Her rising blood pressure made her cheeks hot.

You are a Jones! Her father crossed his arms, his light brown eyes, so like her own, stormy. In this world of ours, it means something. Wilder…he’ll never amount to anything. Smith, Jones, Miller, Brown, these are names of stature, he said.

Her view of him changed in a matter of seconds. He was no longer the man who’d raised her. She’d always been intimidated by his height, broad shoulders, and the stern look that kept the crease between his brows at all times. Now, his black suit, black dress shirt, and black satin tie all ran together, revealing his ugly power-hungry self. A week ago, she simply thought he wore black because of the law firm he worked at, that it was what lawyers wore.

Lessy’s anger came hard and fast. Tears would follow. She hated that about her anger. It made her appear weak, when all she really felt was strong enough to blow their entire mansion down with a single breath. What did it matter what Billy’s last name was? So it wasn’t boring like hers. It was more unique and important sounding. Wilder. He was important.

I don’t understand. They’ve lived next door to us since before I was even born. Our house is no bigger than Billy’s, but for some reason, because of his last name, he’s not good enough for me? Is that what you’re saying?

I’m happy you finally understand the seriousness of this situation. It was cute when you were sixteen, he said with air quotes around cute, but now at twenty-two, it is high time for you to settle down. There are more fitting warlocks out there to be your husband.

Cute? Lessy asked, mimicking her father’s finger movements. I happen to love Billy, and we’re talking about the future. We’re talking about rings and a house of our own.

I know! Her father slapped an open palm on her dresser. That is exactly why I stepped in.

Dad, what did you do? she asked, then looked at her mother. As always, her mother stood several feet behind her father, quiet, never piping up to help Lessy.

I did what any good father would. You’re living under my roof, so I fixed the situation.

You’re not just any dad. You’re a freaking warlock! Lessy was shaking. Then her thoughts spun in a different direction. Fixed? What the hell did you do? Did you hurt him? Is he all right? Is this why I can’t reach him, why he won’t call me back? He can’t because you’ve done something to him?

He’s living and breathing. He’s fine.

You’re a son of a bitch. I won’t ever forgive you for this. I love him, and if you can’t understand that simple fact, then don’t you worry. I’m under your roof? Well then, fireballs of blazing, smoke-ass monkey butts, I’m going to fix that right now, Lessy shouted.

Lessy, honey. Your father did what he thought was right, her mother whispered.

Through her own tears, Lessy saw the hurt in her mother’s eyes, the tears falling down her cheek. Then you should have stopped him. Maybe stood up for me? Stood up for what I want, for once. I’ve never so much as talked back. She muttered to herself while making a quick mental list of things she needed.

Lessy yanked two suitcases out from under her bed and opened them. She threw in Billy’s sweatshirt, then went to her closet, rifling through it, pulling out a few items, knowing she only had room for her favorite belongings. There was no way to haul everything, and now labels and brand names meant nothing if her future would be in jeopardy for only Goddess knew how long.

She wasn’t staying in her family home one more minute with a man she couldn’t look at anymore. A jumble of emotions ran through her, but the anger was going to carry her out of town immediately. A creator witch by blood and heritage, she hadn’t experienced so many of these feelings at once before. The shaking startled her at first, but she focused on her task of running away.

Where do you think you’ll go? You have no money, her father scoffed.

Lessy marched across her room, grabbed her purse off the desk in her bedroom, and yanked out her wallet. Two credit cards were his. She slid them out, opened the top desk drawer, and took out a pair of scissors. Looking straight into the eyes of the man she now thought of as a stranger, she cut them both in half, letting the pieces fall to the floor. She tossed the scissors back on the desk with enough force they hit the wall, but she didn’t care about the nick in the drywall one tiny bit.

Don’t worry about me. And don’t worry about your precious money. It’s all you’ve cared about anyway. Status, last names, big houses, impressing the Smiths. It’s all bullshit, and I’m done. I’m out of your world now. Go away, give me a few minutes, and I’ll be out of your hair, out of your house, and out of your world forever, and you’ll never have to worry about me embarrassing you ever again.

If she thought her father was mad about Billy, she saw actual smoke come from his ears when she cut up his credit cards. Funny how mortals used seeing smoke come from someone’s ears as a figure of speech. She was watching it in real life. Now that she refused to be dependent on him, he had nothing to hold over her, and that pissed him off. If she wasn’t so worried about what had happened to the love of her life, she would laugh in her father’s face. He shooed her mother from Lessy’s room and slammed her bedroom door behind him as they left.

Lessy finished packing as many clothes as she could possibly fit, then opened the drawer in her nightstand. She took out two boxes. One she opened, and tears pooled in her eyes as she saw every love note and treasure Billy had ever given her. She shut it quickly and placed it gently in the corner of one suitcase. The other box, she shoved in her purse. It wasn’t big, but it contained everything she was going to need to start a new life. Birth certificate, passport, important documents—and a wad of cash she’d been stockpiling for years.

She knew this day would come, but she’d only been saving for someday down the road, when she and Billy would be married and on their own. She never would have guessed it’d come so soon, or end so ugly. Lessy never thought she’d leave Hollytown alone, without the man who was supposed to be by her side.

Her bed bounced when Muffin jumped up on it. Despite what a cat should eat, she got her name from her favorite breakfast food. Where are we going? her cat asked. Is it-

Lessy waved her hand, trying to stop her familiar from leaking any information. She’d been the runt of her litter and was still tiny, barely bigger than an eight-week-old kitten. Her shiny black fur was accented by white paws and a white patch around her pink nose. The white fluff highlighted her ice-blue eyes and graced the tip of her poofy tail. In the entire universe, Lessy had yet to see a familiar more beautiful than Muffin.

Shh, Muffin. Just think back a couple of weeks to when Billy and I were talking. You’ll figure it out. Anything you need me to grab for you?

Your pillow, please? Lessy’s heart warmed. Her familiar asked for such simple things from her. Besides Billy, Muffin was her next best friend.

Of course, Lessy said. They would have to stop for snacks. She and Muffin were two peas in a pod, not needing material things, just love and junk food.

She pulled a duffel bag from her closet. After shoving in two pillows and a blanket, she added toiletries and the few necessities she’d need to keep crafting.

I think this is all I can manage on my own. If there’s anything else you need, speak up now, Lessy told Muffin.

The cat shook her head, and Lessy lugged her bags out the door. Managing her way down the hall with not one but two suitcases, a duffel bag, and her purse was a feat all its own. Fortunately, her parents had taken her advice and weren’t around. Only the maids were bustling about. Her favorite came over and hugged her, then handed her car keys to her. Muffin rubbed against Lessy’s leg.

Lessy had loved Olive and her husband, Jerry, her entire life. The short round maid always had the best baked goods waiting for her in the kitchen, and Jerry was an amazing chef. They made a good team, and with no children of their own, they’d treated her as if she belonged to them.

When she was a child, left all the time by her parents to roam their mansion by herself, it was Olive and Jerry she’d turned to for love and affection. Back then, she’d wished at night that the older couple were her parents. Now, at twenty- two, she understood more, but there was still a piece of information she could sense was missing. Why would her parents have had her if they didn’t care about her and left her to be raised by the household staff?

If she’d been allowed to go to public school, maybe she would have had friends. The house staff, Billy, and his parents were all she’d ever had.

Goddess, she owed Olive and Jerry so much more than just running away. She’d give anything to take them with her.

I overheard what was going on, Olive said gently. I’m so sorry, Lessy, but I’m proud of you. Your father didn’t speak when they came down the hall, but he also didn’t tell us not to let you take your car, so I say go while you can. Transporting all that will be exhausting after a huge fight. Just be safe, and keep in touch please? Somehow?

Oh, Olive, I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you. You’ve been more of a mother to me than my own. I’m going to miss you so much. Lessy’s tears started to fall again.

No crying, my little doll. You’re made for this. We will meet again soon, I’m sure. Olive embraced her with soft arms, kissed her cheek, then opened the front door for her.

I love you so much. There is no way to thank you and Jerry for being there for me over the years. Can you tell everyone else I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye and thanks for me?

Definitely, my darling girl. Now, go, go, before they come back.

Olive’s hesitant smile made Lessy a bit uneasy. But she did as she was told, meeting one of the gardeners by her Mini Cooper as he opened the back doors for her, then helped her get everything inside. She waved at them all as she backed out of her garage spot and proceeded down the long drive for the very last time.

I won’t miss this place, Muffin, but I will miss all of them.

Me too. But let’s get on our way to Assjacket, West Virginia. Maybe we can find Billy on the way? Muffin purred.

I hope so. Goddess, I hope so. I just have a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, Muffin. I don’t know where to even begin looking. I think for the first time, I realize now I don’t know my father—at all. What he’s capable of, only Goddess knows. For the first time in my life, I was truly afraid of him. I’m absolutely panicked about Billy now.

I agree. Muffin purred, then turned two circles and arranged herself on the front seat of the car.

Chapter 2

Hungry and unsure of the decision she’d made over twelve hours earlier, Lessy pulled off the highway. The exit for Assjacket, West Virginia, appeared as normal as one for any other small town, even though it was populated only by witches and warlocks like herself.

Lessy opened the car door, her hip popping as she swung her left leg out.

Oh Goddess. Oh, squashed-up vampire nuts. She rolled her neck. I’m stiff as a mother-humpin’ board. I’m old, Muffin.

A quick glance and she realized Muffin was out cold and wasn’t going to argue her age or tell her she was indeed still youthful. Lessy went back to the task at hand and filled up on gas and enough pop, junk food, and even a small bag of cat food to get her and Muffin through the next twenty-four hours.

As she paid for her items, she contemplated their destination. Assjacket wasn’t anything like Hollytown, Vermont. The gas station off the highway was the only thing a mortal would stop at. Her own hometown was just like every small East Coast town. Quaint, full of boutiques, visitors stopping all the time. The seasons, though, made it perfect to her. She loved the snow, the spring flowers, the changing leaves. Loved everything about it, except for her parents.

Fucking doily suckers, she whispered to herself.

Hollytown. Just the name brought back memories of all the holidays she loved decorating for. Assjacket, however, was the real estate agent’s choice. Sandy McCoogle was a plump older gal with short purple-streaked gray hair. Charming and easy to talk to over Skype and webcams, Sandy had convinced Lessy and Billy that moving so far from home would be the best idea. She had promised she’d find them a town with many of the same qualities as the upper East Coast in which to start their life together and open Lessy’s dream store, Holiday Magic.

What had started as a girl’s love of crafting had morphed into bigger plans. Billy’s knack of business sense and college degree, combined with Lessy’s creative side, would give them a way to make an income together—and to be able to work together as husband and wife.

Sandy had promised the same four seasons, the same colors of the Vermont maples, the same crisp air in the fall, and the safety of a town where intrusive mortals wouldn’t stay.

And here she was now—alone.

Lessy fought back another wave of sadness. Billy was supposed to be starting this new adventure with her. Instead of staying at home to search for him, Lessy had been forced by her parents to move on. Leaving them was the only way to move past whatever her father had done to Billy and carry on with her life’s plan. Billy would have wanted it that way. He certainly wouldn’t have wanted her to be forced into marriage to another warlock.

Rolling her neck, she carried her loot back to the Mini Cooper she loved so much. Muffin was still sound asleep on top of Lessy’s pillow in the front seat. Unlike most cats, she didn’t sleep curled up but rather was on her back, stretched out and sunken into the down pillow. Then she smelled food and flopped over, instantly awake.

Lessy smiled. We’re finally in Assjacket, sweet girl. Let’s find the town square and figure out where our new storefront is. Then we’ll crash with a seriously unhealthy junk food dinner and get some sleep. Or I’ll get some sleep. You’ve snored for two hours already.

The road was so boring, and then you ran out of good music, Muffin complained, then licked her paw.

Lessy buckled up and began driving toward the center of the town. I didn’t run out of good music. You fell asleep and couldn’t help me find stations that weren’t mostly static. Her own reply had her pausing. She’d been