The Neurotic Parent's Guide to College Admissions: Strategies for Helicoptering, Hot-housing & Micromanaging

By J.D. Rothman

Admissions rates of 6 percent? Kids applying to thirty-two colleges? Sixteen-year-olds with more impressive resumes than Fortune 500 CEOs? Has the nation lost its mind? Why yes, it has! J.D. Rothman, the Neurotic Parent of blog fame, takes readers on a hilarious satiric journey through today’s insane college admissions process. The vividly illustrated book takes you from the Itsy-Bitsy Fiske Guide and Junior Kumon Tips for Preschoolers through Rejection Letters from the Heart and Bed Bath & Bye-Bye.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Prospect Park Books
• Release date: Apr 1, 2012
• ISBN: 9780983459422

J.D. Rothman

J.D. Rothman: J.D. (Judy) Rothman is an Emmy-winning screenwriter and lyricist specializing in comedy and children's programming. She coped with the stress of her son's college-application process by becoming the blogger The Neurotic Parent, which later inspired the book. She also contributed to I'm Going to College, Not You (St. Martin's).

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Copyright © 2012 by J.D. Rothman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Published by Prospect Park Media

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Pasadena, California 91105

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Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication data

Rothman, J. D.

The neurotic parent’s guide to college admissions: strategies for helicoptering, hot-housing & micromanaging / by J.D. Rothman. — 1st ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-9834594-1-5

1. Universities and colleges—Admission—Humor. 2. Parenthood—Humor. I. Title.

PN6231.C6R68 2012

818’.607--dc23

2011047727

First edition, first printing

Designed by Joseph Shuldiner

Production in the United States of America; printing in South Korea

Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.

— WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

In certain cases, arson is justifiable.

— THE NEUROTIC PARENT

Table of Contents

Orientation to College Angst

Chapter 1: The Most Difficult Time to Get Into College in the History of the World ~ FRIGHTENING STATISTICS, SHOCKING PIE CHARTS, DEPRESSING BAR GRAPHS

Chapter 2: Let the Anxiety Begin ~ WHY YOU NEED A BUNCH OF EXPENSIVE HELPERS TO GET YOUR KID TO WRITE A DECENT TWO-PAGE ESSAY

Chapter 3: The Early Years ~ YES, YOU REALLY DO NEED TO KISS UP TO THE DIRECTOR OF THE YELLOW BALLOON PRESCHOOL

Chapter 4: Prep Goes the Weasel ~ IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY TO BEGIN PADDING YOUR RESUME

Chapter 5: The College List ~ HOW TO NARROW DOWN THE LIST TO 29

Chapter 6: The College Tour ~ THE TRIP OF A LIFETIME: QUALITY BONDING OR A DAMAGED RELATIONSHIP FOREVER?

Chapter 7: Testing ~ HANDS DOWN, THE WORST PART OF THE PROCESS (UNTIL YOUR KID GETS A 2260)

Chapter 8: The Essay ~ LET YOUR YOU SHINE THROUGH, EVEN IF IT’S A YOU CONJURED UP BY AN INDEPENDENT COLLEGE COUNSELOR

Chapter 9: The Uncommon App ~ OMG! I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET AWARDS? AND HAVE ACTIVITIES? THEY’RE TELLING ME THAT NOW?!?

Chapter 10: Advanced Application Strategies ~ ORGANIZATIONAL ADVICE AND OBSCURE LAST-MINUTE PASSIONS FOR TEENS AND THEIR MEDDLING PARENTS

Chapter 11: Financial Aid ~ CAN ANYONE SPARE $250K?

Chapter 12: Diversity ~ TRANSGENDERISM, THE LOST BOYS OF SUDAN, NORTH DAKOTA, AND MORE

Chapter 13: Waiting ~ AT THIS POINT IN THE PROCESS, YOUR TEEN IS PROBABLY NOT SPEAKING TO YOU, SO IT’S TIME TO LET GO OF YOUR CONTROLLING WAYS

Chapter 14: Rejected/Deferred ~ WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN THEY’RE REJECTING

Chapter 15: Accepted ~ WHAT A RELIEF! NOW YOUR CHILD CAN FORGET ABOUT CHANGING THE WORLD AND GO BACK TO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES

Chapter 16: Separation Anxiety ~ IF YOU’RE THE EMOTIONAL TYPE, SKIP THIS CHAPTER

Chapter 17: Bed Bath & Bye-Bye ~ EMPTY NESTS ON SALE—20% OFF

Chapter 18: College Life ~ IF YOU WANT TO GET LAID, GO TO COLLEGE. IF YOU WANT TO GET AN EDUCATION, GO TO THE LIBRARY

– FRANK ZAPPA

Chapter 19: Round Two ~ HAVING A SECOND CHILD GIVES YOU THE CHANCE TO MAKE THE SAME LAME MISTAKES ALL OVER AGAIN, PLUS MANY NEW ONES

Chapter 20: Barista Readiness ~ A COLLEGE DEGREE IS FINE, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY’D BETTER KNOW HOW TO PREPARE A VENTI, SUGAR-FREE, NONFAT, VANILLA SOY, DOUBLE-SHOT, DECAF, NO-FOAM, EXTRA-HOT, PEPPERMINT WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA

The Neurotic Parent Glossary

Acknowledgments

ORIENTATION TO COLLEGE ANGST

Back in the day, before the existence of the expression back in the day, you took the SAT once. When you got a 1260, your relatives thought you were a genius. That was when the most difficult high school class was trig, a B meant good, and the initials AP stood for Associated Press. Your main extracurricular was sitting with a sun reflector on the beach. You filled out applications for three colleges and didn’t bother to visit any. Even if you were lucky enough to know your guidance counselor, it never would have occurred to you to ask her to proofread your application, which you sent in by registered mail.

You can barely remember why you selected the college where you ended up, but it probably had something to do with where your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend was or wasn’t attending. Then, when it was time to leave, your parents dropped you off at a train station with a duffel bag, and that began your college career.

At the Neurotic Parent Institute, we have followed the trends carefully. We can say definitively that everything has changed. Today’s kids need to begin prepping for college by age 2, when they get admitted to a selective Mommy and Me group, which leads to the right preschool. Then, starting at age 5, they need tutors, coaches, and homework helpers. In their spare time after that, they must choose 20-hour-a-week activities that will become their passions by middle school. If they’re actually having fun rather than excelling, there’s something wrong.

This guidebook presents our findings about today’s college process. It will prepare you for the fourteen standardized exams, 39 essays, and 27 supplements that your son or daughter will tackle—and all the money you will spend making sure they’re on target. If you’re reading this when your child is a junior or senior in high school, we’re sorry to let you know that you have started agonizing way too late, and we suggest you supplement this experience with a strong cocktail or an Ativan.

We will also present popular blog entries by the Neurotic Parent, which follow the journey of her older son, Cerebral Jock (CJ), during the period when he was ultimately accepted early decision to a top-ten school. This anxious blogger is now in the middle of overseeing the application process of her younger son, Good Conversationalist (GC), so if you happen to be a college admissions officer at one of the schools on his list, please promise not to be offended by anything you read here…and admit him.

And whether you have a kindergartener or twelfth grader, may your child’s college search be full of multiple acceptances, generous merit scholarships, and chill roommates.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

WHY CAN’T MY GENIUS CHILD GET IN?

Feel guilty. Clearly it is all your fault. While you were letting your child engage in normal activities like summer camp, babysitting, and bowling, other kids were interning for their senators, training seeing-eye dogs, and starting hedge funds in Sri Lanka.

As a result, for every impressive kid, there are 50 even more outstanding ones. Here are the phenomena that have changed everything:

WHICH SILLY METAPHOR ARE YOU?

Who is this book for? Helicopter parents, of course. But it can also prove valuable for those who have taken on the role of other vehicles, appliances, and household items.

The Neurotic Parent Institute has completed an important study for moms and dads who have not reached full-on ‘copter status but still cannot keep themselves from hovering.

Recently in the press we’ve heard about Velcro parents and spider-web parents. But we’ve also identified many other kinds of parents who are overly involved in their kids’ lives.

WHY DOES EVERYONE CARE SO MUCH?

It used to be enough to say your kid went to a decent state U. But now most boomer parents, once laid-back hippies, view their kids’ college results as the ultimate Parenting Badge. Most importantly, they need to feel good about all the money they’ve spent on tutors.

UNIVERSITIES OF HOPE, CHANGE & FAME

You wouldn’t be reading this book if you really believed that it Doesn’t Matter Where You Go. We all know that the Unabomber attended Harvard and Oprah went to Tennessee State. But there is comfort in discovering that many people you have heard of attended colleges you’ve never heard of.

With that in mind, the Neurotic Parent Institute has researched the alma maters of many of our planet’s notables. (Disclaimer: Research was conducted on Wikipedia, which college students are not allowed to cite, but everything seems believable to us.)

*Many transcripters claim that he never actually attended Columbia or Harvard

The Neurotic Parent Answers Your Questions

BWRKS—FAQS

Q: What is a BWRK?

A: Rumored to be used by admissions officers, this acronym stands for a Bright, Well-rounded Kid—for example, a high school student with a 3.8 unweighted GPA, 2150 SATs, the captain of the soccer team, arts editor of the school newspaper, and a valued volunteer at the local aquarium.

Q: If I’ve raised a BWRK, shouldn’t I be proud and content?

A: No way. Über-selective colleges these days are averse to BWRKs. They want Nobel Prize winners, published novelists, and Olympic champions. Or any of the following:

Children of unusual minorities

Children of famous parents or gay parents or inmate parents (gory, heartbreaking felonies are preferable to white-collar crimes)

Children of alumni parents who show up at the helipad for their interview with the development office

First-generation families with no previous college attendees and no indoor plumbing

Q: Uh-oh. I’m a bland, boring suburbanite, and I think I inadvertently raised a BWRK. What should I do?

A: Clearly, you cannot go back and change your sexual orientation or marry that goat herder from Zimbabwe you dated in graduate school. Or enroll your 3-year-old in a fencing workshop rather than T-ball. So you have to figure out how to make your child’s credentials jump off the page. In other words, start marketing and branding your student at as early an age as possible.

Q: Oops! I didn’t do that either. I screwed up and raised a nice, normal, smart student with kid-appropriate interests. Help! What should I do?

A: One