Dammit Bre!

By Samuel Rikard

My life was forever changed the moment that pregnancy test was slammed down in front of me.

That was the day I became a father. Every day afterward has been a challenge. But it's all been worth it.
In this collection of comedic, truthful, and sometimes tear-jerking anecdotes, I write about the struggles of head lice, the first unscheduled haircut, followed immediately by the first scheduled haircut, excessive demands of ice cream, and so much more. Whether it's unique methods of managing unruly hair, or the uncanny lengths a father will go in order to protect his little girl, these stories do not disappoint.

I wrote this book with the parent in mind. I know how limited time can be. For that reason, each story is self-contained and takes a few minutes to read. It's perfect for those few moments when you're able to hide in the pantry, or find yourself on the toilet without an audience. You'll have more than enough time to enjoy at least one story before the kids start beating down the door.

 

This humorous parenting book is unlike any other. Get your copy of Dammit Bre! today. Maybe it'll provide some much needed insight the next time your kids declare war on your sanity! And if you like it, reviews are greatly appreciated.

 

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The Literal Half-Assed Job
My youngest sister has the most pull with my daughter. I'm not entirely sure why but Bre dreads disappointing her.
She was at the house those couple weeks prior to Christmas and told Bre that she'd better have her room clean before Christmas.
Bre got all excited and ran into her room. Though the excitement didn't last long. She was caught playing with something within minutes of disappearing.
My sister made her a deal. She told her if she cleaned half her room before she left, she'd get a surprise.
Bre was in agreement. She closed the door and went to work.
It was getting late and my sister needed to head home. We opened the door to peek inside. To our surprise the room was half-clean. Just not in the manner we'd expected.
Bre had picked up every last piece of discarded paper, every tiny accessory to her Monster High toys, every random string or lost bead from the nightmarish bead maker kits she'd received in the past. And where else would it be?
She piled everything on the other half of the room.
With a toothy smile blazon across her face, she beamed. "Do I get my surprise now?"

 

These are the tales of a single father but they aren't limited to just single parents. Dammit Bre! contains tips and tricks for dealing with your children, regardless of situation. It was written with you in mind. Each story takes only a few minutes to read, making it the perfect companion when you're sipping a juice box in the pantry while hiding from the kids.

• Language: English
• Publisher: EL Publishing
• Release date: Mar 16, 2021
• ISBN: 9781950541089

Samuel Rikard

From an early age, Samuel Rikard was drawn to the realm of fantasy. Monsters and magic, or starships and warlords, there was nothing too farfetched or out of reach. In his early teens, he was introduced to Live Action Role Play. Finding this new and exciting world, he felt at home. Before long he began writing, first details about his characters, then short stories or in-game missives. Developing his style, he found a joy for the craft but never realized it would one day become a career.After high school, he joined the military, where he trained exclusively with demolitions. While blowing stuff up was fun, it wasn't the life he was after. When able he returned home and began the quest for happiness.With his love of storyline, he decided to write a book, though he knew nothing of the craft. Through chance, fate, happenstance, whatever you want to call it, he made some professional contacts and began to learn the industry. Proving his dedication and ability to get things done, he was offered a contract. One turned into two, and two became three. And before long he had a full list of industry professionals at his side.Sam lives with his daughter, Breanna, and their cat, Alona.Stay up to date with all his public appearances and new projects by following on Facebook.com/eldarlandspublishing, Twitter.com/sam_rikard, or visit his website at samuelrikard.com

Book preview

Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1 - Lived In

Chapter 2 - Child-Proof, My Ass

Chapter 3 - You Missed a Spot

Chapter 4 - School of Hard Knocks

Chapter 5 - It’s the Little Things

Chapter 6 - Mexican Standoff

Chapter 7 - Kids Say the Darndest Things

Chapter 8 - Adulting Sucks

Chapter 9 - J. Geils Band

Chapter 10 - Does Not Compute

Chapter 11 - Trust Me, It’s Good

Epilogue

Prologue

In the United States today, there are nearly 13.6 million single parents raising over 21 million children. Single fathers are less common than single mothers, constituting 16% of single-parent families. - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_parent

According to the 2012 census, 25.9% of children under 18 live in single parent households in the US, and women head approximately 84% of these families. Of all single-parent families, the most common are those headed by: Divorced or separated mothers making 58% of single parent families, while 24% of mothers were never married. Apr 11, 2015 - https://spacedoutscientist.com/2015/04/11/single-parents-worldwide-statistics-and-trends/

My name is Samuel Rikard and I'm an oddity when it comes to the single parent game, as I’m a single father. I've raised my daughter since birth. She was born two months premature with complications. Since that fateful day, from the moment I got the phone call saying she was born, I've been her protector, her guardian, and her father.

It was a rather unorthodox situation in which she came about. I was twenty-two and never really had much of a dating life. Being the strong silent type, and nerdy on top of it, I always found women difficult to navigate. Which typically meant I’d be going home alone after last call. It sucked, but I was used to spending my life alone.

I met my daughter's mother in high school. She was a few classes ahead of me and even though I knew who she was, I wouldn't have considered us friends, or even acquaintances.

It was a few years later and I was on a couple year streak with no female companionship. My friends introduced us with the intention of ‘hooking up.’ Being relatively lonely, definitely horny, and offered a night of unadulterated pleasure, I partook of the offerings. Being the type of person I am, I made the mistake of calling her the next day and we started dating. We were together for just under three months. I changed jobs, money got tight, and she broke up with me.

A few months later, my new job picked up and I was making quite a bit more money than I had been at my previous job. Lo and behold, she wanted me back. So, like any self-respecting person, I told her to go to hell.

Everything would have been fine had she taken my recommendation, but drama isn't so easily disposed of. She kept coming around, despite nobody really liking her.

It was one of my best friend's weddings and I was his best man. She decided to show up, despite not being invited. I kept my distance as best I could and even screamed ‘get the fuck away from me’ at one point, which I hated doing. Not because it didn't need to be said, but because it was my friend's day and I didn't want him to have to deal with that bullshit. Anyway, the wedding concluded and the reception started. I was standing there talking to some people when I was handed a drink. Being among mostly friends, I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know, my ex was the one making drinks. I found that out the next day. Anyway, I took one or two drinks and about twenty minutes later I got extremely dizzy.

I slipped away from the party as quickly and quietly as possible and went upstairs, where I passed out in one of the recliners. I don't know much of what happened while I was asleep but I remember waking up to some vigorous jolting. I opened my eyes to discover that crazy bitch riding me. Taken aback, I pushed her off me, spouted a few choice words, and stormed off whilst pulling my pants up.

A couple weeks passed and I was at my friend's house once again. I'd gotten into playing World of Warcraft® and was sitting at the dining room table playing on my laptop.

She walked into the house and marched past me without a word. A few minutes later she came back through and slapped a pregnancy test down on the table in front of me. I saw the two little pink lines running vertically parallel and read the code on the test showing a confirmation.

What was I to do? She was clearly insane. So I did what most people in such an awkward and unexpected position would do. I denied it. I didn't like her. I hadn't even had willing sex with her in months. And while it may not have been risk free, I was smart enough to use protection when I was conscious. But here it was, a test in front of me which I didn't know how to process.

It turned out she actually was pregnant. I tried to suck it up and deal with her for a while. If there was any chance the kid was mine I was going to do my best by it. I don't recall the exact reasoning but I remember her yelling at me about something foolish. I decided enough was enough and I left. I moved out of town and didn't look back. I still had my job in town, so I was always back and forth with that, but I had no knowledge of her, nor her situation.

About six months passed and I received a phone call stating the child had been born. That threw me off, as my calculations had the timing all messed up. That meant the kid couldn't have been mine as I hadn't been with her with the exception of my rape.

Anyway, I drove the hour to town and went to the hospital where I met my daughter for the first time. I knew she was mine the moment I saw her. There were too many distinguishing physical features to deny that. I learned that she was two months premature and that she had to remain in this plastic box with all these hoses and tubes until she was strong enough to survive on her own.

She was my daughter and I was going to take care of her. It was a proud moment and I had to be the one to give her her first gift. When I got off work the following morning, I found this little pink blanket that was fuzzy on one side and silk on the other. While it’s small, it was the perfect size for her. I bought it and to the hospital I went. To this day, she still has that blanket tucked away in her room. If only I’d known I’d be the one buying everything from that day forward.

Now for a little history on her mother, which I didn't learn about until many years later. She had two other children prior to meeting me. I knew that part but not the details. Those two boys were in the custody of their father, legally removed from their mother. In the time I'd been away, she'd become homeless and had nowhere to go once my daughter was able to leave the hospital. She was going to take her to this run-down place in the bad part of town where many of the homeless took shelter. Another note that I didn't learn until later was that the Division of Family Services denied her the ability to remove my daughter from the hospital unless she had a formal residence set up.

Unaware of all the legal stuff, I continued to visit my daughter every day for the two months she remained in that box. I found a new home in town and I made all the arrangements for both her and her mother to live there. I paid all the bills. I bought all the groceries. I took care of my daughter.

I had to fight with her mom nearly every day over trivial stuff. She refused to change diapers, bathe her, or even feed her. The first day we were ‘home’ was the first day I took the role of being a parent on top of all my other responsibilities. The three of us lived there for about six months of me taking full-time care of my daughter, while paying for everything.

Fate can be a cruel bitch. My job laid off the entire second shift, of which I was the foreman. I had enough money saved up for another three months, but it wasn’t going to last long. I spent the first month looking for another job and taking care of my child. Jobs were hard to come by and I had little to no luck. The second month became one of planning, as I knew I wouldn't be able to pay rent much longer. I ended up making arrangements and reacquiring the home I had prior to returning to town.

My daughter's mother signed her over to me, we had a DNA test performed, we notarized all the forms, and we went our separate ways. The last time she called was March 17th, 2009.

From that day forward, I've raised my daughter alone, without word from her mother and truth be told I hope it remains that way. In fact, I'm a little nervous about writing this book as it has the potential to serve as a beacon. I’ve spoken to my daughter about her mom. She’s aware of the situation. My daughter is best where she is. She's healthy, she's educated, she's well taken care of, and she doesn't need some crazy woman showing up and confusing her. It's reasons such as this that I will not include the accurate names of any person found in this book. It's one thing to tell my own story, but quite another to endanger my daughter's wellbeing.

There you have it. The way I became a father. In this collection of stories from my life, I'll talk about the many trials and tribulations I've faced as a single parent. I'll talk about dating. I'll cover retaining your independence, despite limitations. I'll discuss balance and schedule, how to work a job and keep your house clean while raising a child...or trying to anyway. I'm going to share stories. Some of them will be humorous, some will be heartbreaking, and some will be thought-provoking. I want you to realize that there are multiple sides to every story. What I am going to discuss will be from my perspective, and while I make every attempt to account for other angles, it's possible there are sides I have not taken into account. I will not claim to be the best father. I won't even claim to be a particularly good father. But I will say that I’m doing the best I can. And it's my greatest hope that I'm able to raise my child to become a well-mannered, self-sufficient, and beneficial adult. In the end, this is simply some of the things I've faced on my journey so far. I'm sure I'll have many more stories to tell, but for now you'll just have to settle for the first nine years.

Chapter 1

Lived In

You’ve been busting your ass all day trying to get the house clean enough for the company you’re expecting. You look at the clock and think to yourself, I’ve another hour before they arrive. You turn around to pick up the socks littering the floor and suddenly your heart skips a beat as you hear a knock at the door. That’s when you realize you totally forgot about daylight savings time and neglected to set your clock. That’s what being a parent is like.

At least that’s what I assume. Most days I’m just guessing that I’m doing the job right. I get the kid off to school. I go to work. I get off work and make dinner. I try to clean the house. God forbid she has homework that she isn’t going to tell me about until about ten minutes before we’re supposed to leave the next day.

Some days you just want to scream. But you manage to pull through. Both you and your child lived to see another day. And that, my friend, is half the battle. Remember, you won’t look good in an orange jumpsuit.

Should’ve Done it the First Time

At what point do you throw your hands in the air and give up on having a clean house?

I remember when I was a kid, my mother would get so pissed off when she'd come home from work and the house would be a mess. I don't recall it being completely trashed but certainly it could have been a bit tidier.

My siblings and I would argue over who was going to clean what, which in hindsight was a stupid thing to argue about because it all had to be done and most of it was as simple as plucking discarded items off the floor and maybe sweeping.

The worst thing of all time was doing the dishes. And that was just because it was more time-consuming than everything else.

I think back on these memories and wonder what was so difficult about it. As an adult, I