Dating The Other Daniel Cohen: The Girls In Apartment 5G

By KK Hendin

In Search Of One Imaginary Boyfriend 

 

After one disastrous date too many, Abbi Horowitz would love nothing more than to swear off dating for the rest of the foreseeable future. As it is, she's too busy juggling a full-time job and law school to date anyone. 

Unfortunately, her mother has other plans.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and for Abbi, that means inventing a fake boyfriend that she can date for the next few months before conveniently breaking up with him when her life isn't so hectic. 

There's no way that a plan this perfect will fail.

 

In Search Of One Imaginary Girlfriend 

 

When Abbi tells her neighbor Daniel Cohen about her plans, he proposes an alternative.

Use each other's very common Jewish names to create fake people to date for the next few months, and go on pretend dates to strengthen their tenuous cover story.  

Dan's an accountant muscling his way through busy season and barely has time to breathe, let alone attempt to date anyone at all. 

Having a fake girlfriend will keep the phone calls from his mom to a minimum, and it's not like he doesn't already hang out with Abbi all the time.

 

It's a flawless plan. Nothing will ruin it. 

 

Not last-minute Pesach plans, not Jewish geography, and definitely not any unexpected feelings.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: KK Hendin
• Release date: Mar 16, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393375418

Book preview

Chapter One

Abbi Horowitz looked across the table at the man holding a taxidermied rat and wondered if she would ever be allowed back in her favorite cafe after this. When he had asked her if there was anywhere in specific she liked to visit, she had mentioned this cafe without a second thought. It was fairly close to where she worked, and she would occasionally come in here during her breaks to get some studying done. She didn’t think telling him to meet her here would be a bad idea.

In retrospect, maybe she should have thought otherwise. The barista was giving him a look that Abbi could only describe as mildly concerned, which in New York was akin to abject terror.

Abbi smiled politely across the table and wondered how much longer she would have to stay.

Minus his confusing affinity for taxidermy, the fact that he was far too religious for her, and the fact that he was just as confused as she was about being there with her, there was nothing overtly wrong about him.

Probably.

You never really knew.

Now would be a great time for one of her roommates to have an ‘emergency’ of some sort. The problem was, she couldn’t get to her phone to text them.

At least the coffee was good. She would take her wins where she found them.

One and a half excruciating hours later, Abbi slumped in her seat on the subway, thrilled that she had at least managed to convince Taxidermy Guy (whose name she did not remember) that she didn’t need him to take her home.

She would have to go back into the cafe the next day, tip extra, and promise that she would never bring another first (and last) date in there again.

Dan had been right. Never bring a first date anywhere you actually like, in case things go sideways and it haunts the place forever. She hoped he would be on the subway the next morning because this nightmare date would delight him to no end.

This date was also the very last straw when it came to Abbi indulging her mother’s terrible habit of finding entirely unsuitable men to not so casually suggest that Abbi go out with them. She was going to have to find a new way to make her mother happy, because mounting evidence proved that these dates never ended well.

When Abbi walked through the front door, Shira was doing yoga in the living room. Oh, hey, she said as she gracefully transitioned to child’s pose. How was?

He had a taxidermied rat, Abbi said.

Shira blinked. "He had a what?"

A rat, Abbi said as she slumped on the couch, kicking her shoes off. A rat that once was alive, and is now dead and stuffed like some sort of horror movie teddy bear.

Did you know about the taxidermy situation before you showed up on the date? Shira asked.

Why would I have known that?

I dunno, maybe it came up in conversation. Or in a google search. Shira looked up. You did google him before you went out, didn’t you?

Of course I googled him! And no, it definitely did not. Do you think I would have gone out with him if it had?

I mean, maybe? It’s not the weirdest thing that a person you’ve gone on a date with has done for a hobby.

If anything, that should have been a red flag about everybody I’ve ever dated.

Shira nodded sympathetically. So, one and done?

If he has gotten me banned from my favorite cafe, I’m going to cry forever. Abbi reached into her sweater to unhook her bra.

Oh, no. You met him there?

Well, I didn’t realize he was going to show up with a taxidermied rat! Abbi pulled her bra through her sleeve and sighed in relief.

Good point. Shira moved into downward facing dog.

And now I get to spend the next four hours studying, which I could have been doing instead of listening to a man talk about the process of making taxidermy things. Abbi leaned back into the couch. You know, I’m sure that would be interesting in concept, but in the actual practice of assessing a human being for a romantic relationship, maybe not so much.

I mean, everything is interesting to somebody.

You’re too nice, Shira.

Shira laughed. Nah. Just trying to find a bright side for you.

Well, I did use part of the time to at least consider the legal ramifications of taxidermizing different animals and what the overlap of laws are when it comes to live, dead, and stuffed dead animals. Which, while an interesting way to spend a few minutes, was not enough for me to write off the fact that I just spent all this time with this dude who, please God, I will never ever see again. She paused, thought. Nobody’s moved into the building since Noam, right?

Not that I know of. But you’re normally the one who updates me on new neighbors.

Because your schedule is weird and you’re not usually home to meet them.

Shira nodded. Well, hopefully, you don’t have to see him again. And not that it necessarily makes up for it, but you look really pretty.

Thanks, Abbi said. I tried a new lipstick, and I learned that it holds up through awkward coffee dates. That’s got to be worth something.

Worth a lot of somethings, Shira said. And at least it’s Thursday?

Abbi nodded fervently. Seriously. If I would have to do today all over again tomorrow, even without seeing a taxidermied animal, I would probably cry.

Shayna walked out of the kitchen. Did you say taxidermy?

Abbi nodded. Yup.

I think that means you won, Shayna said, eyes wide.

Listen, I love winning things as much as anyone else, but I really don’t like the fact that I’ve won this one, Abbi replied. And anyway, I think Riva is going to be the one to judge that, considering she’s usually the winner of the most terrible dates.

Collectively, sure. But you may have won with just this one.

Watch, Abbi said. Someone’s gonna try to set him up with Riva, too.

Do you remember his name, so you can let her know in case somebody does, in fact, try to set her up with him, she can just say no immediately?

Abbi paused. Didn’t I text the chat his information before the date?

You did, Shira said from her yoga mat. And then when you left the date, you said something along the lines of, ‘No need to summon a duo of female podcasters with an affinity for true crime to find my killer’.

Shayna shook her head. I don’t understand how you just don’t remember any of their names.

Well, if they make an impression…

A taxidermied animal isn’t an impression?

I guess it is.

"You guess? Shayna laughed. At least now you hopefully have an excuse to say no to the next wonderful gentleman your mother tries to set you up with."

Abbi sighed. If only my life could be that easy.

We’ll find something, Abs. Or someone.

Easier said than done.

I know. But we’ll make an attempt. Shayna smiled. Shira, are we ruining your zen?

Nah, Shira said. Thanks for the debrief, Abs. Happy studying.

Thanks, Abbi replied and took her bra and shoes into her bedroom. She changed out of the rest of her clothing, put on some oversized sweats, did her full skincare routine, pulled her long dark hair up into a messy bun, and then went to go sit at her desk with her pile of homework.

And because she was needing a little bit more self-care than usual, she turned on an episode of Dateline. You would think that being a second-year law student would be enough to make her mother understand that she didn’t have the free time to just date every single man thrown her way. But apparently, you would be wrong.

She looked at the clock. Ten fifteen.

It was a good thing Shabbos still started fairly early. She was absolutely going to be taking a nap before the meal, because it didn’t look like she was going to get any sleep tonight.

MOM: You’re home now? How was? Wasn’t he great??

ABBI: Mom, where did you meet this guy again?

MOM: I attended a lecture he gave at shul a few weeks ago, and then was chatting with him after. I told you that.

ABBI: You forgot to tell me he likes taxidermy.

ABBI: And so did his social media.

MOM: Taxidermy???

ABBI: He brought a rat with him like this was some sort of show-and-tell.

MOM: He said something about being interested in taxes. At least, I