Gretchen's (Mis)Adventures Boxed Set 4-6: Gretchen's (Mis)Adventures Boxed Sets, #2

By P.A. Mason

Books 4-6 in this hilarious high fantasy witch series all wrapped up in a neat boxed set.

 

Witches Teeth

 

The last time Gretchen thought about tooth fairies she was a kid, but now she has an unwanted night visitor fixated on her chompers. When she learns that witches teeth are a valuable commodity, Gretchen draws a link between the realm of tooth fairies and her missing Great Aunt Esme.

 

Psycho Mirror

 

A morning which started with tax collectors ends up with Gretchen offering her clandestine services to the King himself. One friend is missing, the other arrested, both of them in the kingdom of Extor. With a little help from the Witches Academy, Gretchen must figure out what an enchanted mirror has to do with the current state of politics.

 

Halloween Date Night

 

Ghosts run rampant in fleshly bodies under the Halloween moon, and Gretchen only wanted a quiet night in to perform a summoning.But then she met Ed, and things went downhill from there. This ghost failed to materialize, and is late for a date night with his wife

If you like fairy tale retellings with a good dose of humor, wit, and sometimes crazy witchy fun you'll enjoy this boxed set.

 

'Irresistibly like Terry Pratchett's Discworld Witch books' - Two Books Blog

• Language: English
• Publisher: P.A. Mason
• Release date: Jan 8, 2021
• ISBN: 9781393244509

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Copyright © 2020 P.A Mason

First Edition

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Cover design by P.A. Mason

Editing Services from CJ Skye

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GRETCHEN’S

(MIS)ADVENTURES

4-6 BOXED SET

Witches Teeth

Psycho Mirror

Halloween Date Night

P.A. MASON

For all the folks who thought fairies stealing teeth at night was creepy. It is.

Chapter 1

Gretchen winced and put a hand to her cheek. It was impossible to concentrate on what Lord Pelican was saying. His jowls wobbled, and it sounded like he had something important to say, but her tooth stole all her attention.

And this is the most vital part, Lord Pelican chimed. But even as he spoke a fish leaped over their lily-pad table, and he darted his head out and caught it in his beak with a-

Hey! Gretchen sat bolt upright in bed with a hand to her cheek.

A small fairy hovered over her bed and illuminated her bedroom. Gretchen snatched at the string in her mouth and winced as it pulled on her tooth. The fairy went to make off, but Mulligan swatted it with a paw, a transfixed look in his eye.

What in tarnation do you think you’re doing? Gretchen spat out the string and sprang out of the bed.

The fairy, though winded, leaped up from her bedspread and launched into the air, avoiding Mulligan’s ill-timed pounce. Before Gretchen could close the door, the fairy slipped out, and she watched as it ducked up her chimney out of sight.

Gretchen winced and ran a tongue along her gum to check for damage. Aside from the taste of blood, everything seemed in order, and she turned to her feline who sniffed around her hearth.

Fat lot of good you are, she snorted. Why is there a fairy buzzing around trying to play dentist?

With Mulligan providing no reasonable excuse, Gretchen shrugged on her robe and set the kettle to boil with shaking hands. A nice cup of tea with a little yarrow to stop the bleeding. Gretchen stood unmoving in the middle of her kitchen. Her tooth. That fairy was about to steal her damn tooth!

As she waited, she sat at the table and put her head in her hands. Sleep crept up on her, and her mind lulled. Teeth and fairies. And pelicans.

The kettle whistled and brought her out of her reverie. She bustled about, lit some candles, and prepared her favorite teapot. She filled it with boiled water to let it steep and sunk into her favorite chair by the fire, eyeing the chimney askance lest the fairy decide to come back and finish the job. With eyes as wide as saucers, she sat in a quiet vigil until the first sounds of birdsong came from the gardens, with the dim light of dawn followed close behind it.

Estelle, she announced, standing up. She’ll tell me what’s going on.

Mulligan lay sprawled on her bed as she dressed. He gave a yawn and stretched at her disruption. With a muttered curse about his inferior hunting skills, she snatched her pouch from its hook and buttoned her cloak against the chilly morning. Striding out to her garden with determination, she clicked her fingers at her broom and was soon airborne, heading to the Fairy Godmother’s house.

Although only a few fields over, Estelle’s house was worlds apart from Gretchen’s own humble abode. Instead of medicinals and vegetables, flowers of every color in the rainbow crowded close to her whitewashed brick walls, in bloom no matter what the season. Gretchen landed around back where she was less likely to scuff up the pristine lawn and stomped up to the back door to shake the chimes that served as a doorbell.

Gretchen waited a full three minutes, seething, until the door opened a crack and the perpetually vague-looking fairy peered out and settled her half-moon spectacles on her nose.

Oh, is that you, Gretchen? Early for a visit, but I’ve not long put the kettle on. She swung the door open and pulled her shawl close around her shoulders.

I seem to have a fairy problem. Gretchen scraped her boots before she entered the cheery kitchen. The tooth kind.

Oh? Estelle tittered nervously and fetched two dainty teacups. Can’t say we mix much, us godmothers and those little creatures.

So, you wouldn’t have any insight as to why I had a fairy trying to give me an involuntary extraction while I slept? Gretchen narrowed her eyes, as Estelle’s wing twitch gave her away.

Oh, dear. She readied a floral painted tea tray and set it on the table. I guess things must be getting dire.

Dire? If I’m getting assaulted in my bed in the middle of the night, I’d say they were worse than dire. What do you know?

Estelle settled on a stool across from her and poured tea with a dreamy look on her face. Gretchen gritted her teeth while she waited for the aging fairy to gather her thoughts and drummed her fingers on the table.

You do know what the fairies use teeth for, yes?

Fairy dust. Everyone knows that. Though I’ll never understand why it’s called fairy dust and not kiddie-teeth dust.

You could grind children’s teeth all day and never get fairy dust, dear. It’s just what the fairies use to create it. She took a sip of tea. Fairy dust powers almost everything in their realm, not to mention the price it fetches here. Beautiful forests all strung with lights. That doesn’t happen all on its own, you know.

I’ve brought my fair share of fairy dust over the years, Gretchen twirled her finger in the air. "But I’m still not seeing what this has to do with my teeth."

Well, of course, a witch—or wizard’s—teeth are much more potent. But snatching those is against the inter-realm treaty. Estelle fiddled with the chain dangling from her glasses and stirred her already well-stirred tea. I’d heard there was trouble, but I hadn’t imagined it was this far gone.

Estelle, for the love of the light, can you speak plainly for once? Gretchen propped her head in her hands, the lack of sleep tugging at her eyelids.

Fairy overpopulation. Not enough teeth to go around.

Gretchen opened her mouth but found nothing to say. She blinked and tried a different tactic. Look, I don’t care if there’s a problem keeping the lights on over there. How do I keep that little sprite out of my home and out of my mouth?

You know, I can't even think of who their representative on this plane is these days, she rubbed her chin and stared out the window. Of course, it can’t be Rupert, he moved on years ago, but there should be someone still in that post…

Estelle. Focus. Tooth Fairy deterrent. Is there anything they’re allergic to? Some kind of lure I could use to trap ‘em?

Estelle recoiled and held a hand to her chest. Oh, you can’t do that, dear. They’re protected under the very same treaty. They’d need to be found guilty of breaking it before our laws could dispense any justice.

So, I wait until I’ve had a tooth pulled, gather some witnesses and take my complaint to the sheriff? Gretchen screwed her face up. And what about that time you helped me take out a molar? You wouldn’t have gone and traded it to those creatures, now, would you?

Estelle’s cheeks bloomed red, and she cleared her throat. Well, you did say you didn’t want it anymore.

Gretchen stood; her tea untouched. "Thanks for all your help. If you happen to remember who’s in charge of those thieves, be sure to let me know."

Estelle nodded vaguely and remained seated as Gretchen let herself out. Darn fairies. Most of them were troublemakers, but to regular folks they were the celebrities of the magical world. She doubted Estelle would come up with anything useful, so she launched into the air at breakneck speed to find someone who could.

That early in the morning it was a fifty-fifty proposition on whether Gretchen could find Nora at The Salt and Bog or at the baron’s estate. She figured she’d at least get some decent coffee at The Salt and Bog and made a beeline past the morning traffic of birds to head to the tavern. She knew Jurgen was an early riser, and the troll surprised her sometimes with unusual magical facts.

She skidded down to the well-worn track behind her favorite watering hole and marched through the back into the kitchens, where Jurgen was tending the hearth. He glanced up and did a double take as he dusted off his hands.

What’s eating you?

Freakin’ fairies, that’s what. Gretchen heaved deep breaths and flexed her hands.

The troll snorted with laughter and crossed to the counter where he had a pot of coffee already brewed. Always something with you, isn’t it? What did this one do? Turn your herbs into flowers or something?

Worse than that. That brazen little horsefly tried to yank out my tooth in my very own bed.

Jurgen swung around at that, coffee pot suspended over Gretchen’s favorite mug, with his mouth hanging open. A tooth fairy?

Well, I’d expect it wasn’t a pixie, now, wouldn’t I? Those things can be nasty if you bump into them in the forest, but I’m pretty sure they aren't interested in chompers. Gretchen sank down at the table and rubbed her eyes. Is Nora here?

How d'you know? Jurgen didn’t bother hiding a smirk as he brought two mugs to the table and sat across from her. I think she’s trying to make herself scarce around the estate.

It made sense, given the fiasco with the frog. After seeing the baron squirm when he stood accused of ordering a hex on a member of a royal family, she found it surprising he hadn’t reconsidered his need for Nora's services entirely.

I’m not making myself scarce, Nora grunted, as she stumbled in from the taproom, hair plastered to her face at an alarming angle. Her spectacles looked bent from a night spent mashed into a table by the bar. The baron is the one who has barely been home in the past few weeks. Off to court and following the king on his procession around the countryside. No doubt kissing a few backsides. Now, what’s this nonsense about fairies?

Although Gretchen recounted the entire tale along with her visit to Estelle, she wasn’t convinced Nora believed her until she peered inside her mouth to squint at the inflamed gum.

Well, I’ll be. She took a sip of coffee and gently lowered herself back to the bench seat. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of the like.

We should probably check your mouth while we’re at it, Jurgen smirked. I doubt you would have stirred had the little beast tried it on you.

Nora shot him a murderous look and promptly ignored the troll. Of course, there’s not a lot known about the fairy realm. Few who venture there ever return. And those that do, she tapped the side of her forehead, Are about as sharp as the average ball of wool when they get back. But if witches teeth were all that potent, surely this would have come up before now?

I don’t care what they want them for. They’re not getting them. If you don’t have any ideas, I’m heading home to brew some rat poison.

Nora took off her spectacles to clean them with her sleeve, and her brows knitted in concentration. After patting her hair back into place, she took another gulp of coffee and set it down firmly on the table. It’s worth a look in my spell book. We can come up with a plan from there.

If they’re offering free dental, Jurgen gathered the mugs and stood, send ‘em my way. I’ve had a molar that's been bugging me for months.

And why is this the first I’m hearing of it? Gretchen eyed the troll askance.

Your potions taste terrible. There was humor in his eyes. The pain isn’t that bad yet.

Chapter 2

There’s a lot here on pixies… Nora rubbed her chin. But I can’t see anything on tooth fairies. I guess our paths rarely cross.

Gretchen sat at the far end of the room, the hairs on the back of her neck pricking as Nora inspected her spell book. She hoped it was the magical energy responsible for the sensation. The subterranean offshoot of the dungeon housed more than its fair share of creepy crawlies. She rubbed at her grainy eyes and groaned. See? Should have just gone home and started on the poison. Do you know at least if they can only scoot around at night? I’ve had barely any sleep and I could sure use just a little shuteye.

They’re really not my forte. Nora closed her hefty tome and tied its laces back in place. Perhaps if we went to the library? They’d have to keep something on them surely—

I’d fall off my broom sleeping before I ever got there. Gretchen hugged her arms as she paced the room. Any chance of getting a coffee around here? Or maybe some kind of rousing potion? If I can catch that little sucker maybe I can figure out what it wants, and if I can expect another attack.

And what then? Nora leaned back against her worktable.

Well, I guess a sack tied tight with some heavy stones. The creek probably has enough water at this time of year to make it a pretty obvious outcome…

I mean, what will you do with that knowledge? We know next to nothing about their realm. And if your teeth are some kind of valued commodity, going over there to confront them would be stupid.

Do I look stupid? Wait, don't answer that. Do you mind going to the academy to make some inquiries? See if this is an isolated incident or if there have been other occurrences? It’ll get you out of these four walls and you might find something in the library before I need a set of wooden teeth.

Nora snickered. Come with me. You’ll be safer out of that cottage and in the city. We can take turns keeping watch.

It was sensible, but something gnawed at Gretchen’s belly and wouldn’t let go. Deep down she hoped the fairy would take another swipe, if only to gain the satisfaction of netting the darn thing and keeping it in a brass birdcage for a while. Upset a witch in her own bed. Like she was some kind of easy prey.

Nope. I’m staying here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some traps to set. Gretchen didn’t wait for Nora to argue and strode out to the morning light of the baron’s courtyard.

The morning work was well underway, and she recognized a few servants scuttling about carrying heavy burdens. She narrowly avoided an encounter with Steward and slunk past with her broom to the patch of green clear of tree branches and other take-off trip hazards.

It took her three times to launch, however, and by the time she finally took to the air she did so with grass-stained knees and a tender ankle.

The flight should have cooled her off. It usually did. But the closer she got to the cottage, the more indignant she became, and she wagered her teeth would come out of their own accord if she kept grinding them. When she