Mended Faith: A Life of Abuse, Pain and Redemption

By Cornelia Jude, Chris Jones and Pastor Craig Walker

Mended Faith shares Cornelia Jude’s struggle to understand why she was the target of repetitive sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, and how unhealthy coping mechanisms—drug and alcohol abuse, reclusive behavior, and self-mutilation—didn’t heal her, but added more brokenness to her already shattered life. Her story mirrors the accounts of many women today living in the shadows of their abuse and who watch its remnants affect their marriages, damage their parenting, and cloud their judgment. Jude builds a case for faith in Christ as the only way to find peace, forgive abusers, and live a life of joy beyond the shadows of pain.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: May 8, 2018
• ISBN: 9781683508762

Book preview

Chapter 1

Paralyzed

It was late summer in Germany and still pretty warm outside. I was wearing a yellow-green and blue pastel dress. I must have been 3 or 4 years old. The balcony door was open, and I could see the bright yellow sun setting between the high-rises. My parents had company that evening. At the time, I wasn’t sure if the man was a distant cousin or just a family friend, but there was beer and whiskey on the table and cigarette smoke filled the room. I loved the smell of that mixture as a child. That meant that there would be music and I loved how silly my dad danced. When my mom danced, she liked to swing her arms from side to side. That made me giggle.

The stranger-a short man who had mid-length long wavy dark hair, a beard, and brown eyes-wasn’t there just for the company of my parents. He had on a T-shirt and jean shorts that showed off his hairy legs. He had straight yellow teeth and spoke with a funny dialect that now I recognize as one from possibly Hamburg. He started inching uncomfortably close to me, stroking my little arms and rubbing my tiny shoulders. No one except for my dad had ever touched me like that before and when he did, it never felt weird. The touch of this man felt gross to me. It wasn’t like the innocent and loving touch of my father.

I did what most children my age would do-I hid. I moved out of his reach and crawled under the dining room table. I wanted to still be near my parents because I liked to watch them have fun, but I had to get away from the man. Looking up from my place on the floor, all I could see were everyone’s legs and feet, but that was OK. I was still a part of the party. As I giggled along with the adult’s jokes, I felt something rubbing on my leg. I tried to move, but there was not much room under the table with everyone else seated there. I felt his toes on my thigh and I knew that I needed to move, but I was stuck. As he started to move my panties to the side, a feeling of paralysis came over me. I wanted to move away but couldn’t. He placed his toe into my private parts and began sliding his foot back and forth. I hated the feeling. My mom called out to me, Cornelia! I jumped up, and, out of shock and fear, I peed on myself a little.

I came from under the table. I can’t believe how nosy she is, my mom said. She will pee on herself before she would miss any adult conversation.

My mom made me go wash up and change. At that moment, I put on a pair of pants. After what had just happened, I now hated dresses. Once I got dressed, I went back to the party to say goodnight to everyone. The man gave me 5 Deutsche Marks (nearly $3) and told me to buy all of the candy that I wanted. He called me angel and as I walked away with my money, I thought, Maybe he is not that creepy after all.

* * *

If anyone causes one of these little ones-those who believe in me-to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.

Mark 9:42

God loves innocence. When Jesus was making his triumphal entry days before his crucifixion, it was the children who recognized him, waving their palm branches and singing in the streets, Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! God loves children because, as kids, we haven’t been tainted and corrupted by sin. We are beautiful souls that are allowed to run free, to imagine, and to marvel at the world God has placed around us.

At some point, the veil is removed, and our innocent view of the world is shattered. Sometimes it’s the natural progression of childhood and seeing things like the suffering and death of a grandparent or other loved one, the loss of a pet, or hurtful words from classmates or those we care about. Other times, it’s the sin of others that directly takes away our innocence.

Jesus said that those who harm children-his little ones-would be better off cast into the sea with a large millstone around their necks. To give you a perspective, let’s look at what that looks