The Mexican Freud: A Biographical Sketch of Dr. Carlos Stumpf

By Timothy Ocheltree

A darkly humorous romp through the psychological theories and treatments that have plagued mankind. Dr. Carlos Stumpf has every reason to give up, but he makes the most of his bizarre circumstances and dies of unnatural causes in the end.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 6, 2011
• ISBN: 9781257436323

Book preview

Stumpf

Chapter 1

Dr. Carlos Stumpf’s Final Hours

The last day Dr. Carlos Stumpf spent on earth started off with his usual cocktail of psychotropics. Carlos was too weak to administer the medications so I ground up in a mortar and pestle 40 mg of methamphetamine, 2 mg of clonazepam, 20 mg dronabinol, and 100 mg of methadone and put these powders into 500 milliliters of Jimador Tequila. I then proceeded to place a nicotine patch on Carlos’ right arm. Lastly, I injected Carlos with 100 mg of ketamine intramuscularly. As Carlos lay on his deathbed sipping his narcotic elixir, I remembered when a fellow psychologist asked Carlos why he took so many medications, to which Carlos replied, I have to be pretty doped up to tolerate ‘reality.’ Carlos always said the word reality in such a way that anybody could perceive that he hated the word.

After finishing his elixir, Carlos remained silent and motionless for an hour basking in a delicious euphoria. Carlos ended this hour of inactivity by picking his nose and eating a big, bloody booger with yellow and green highlights. Next, Carlos put his right hand under his testicles and rubbed back and forth for five to ten seconds collecting his ball cheese and then put his hand to his nose and smelled. He saw me staring at him. He smiled and said, For my reptilian brain. I nodded as if I understood what he what talking about.

Fifteen minutes later, Carlos’ eighteen year-old female prostitute, by the name of Paula, walked into the room. Carlos nicknamed her "Su rajita de canela (little streak of cinnamon). She was wearing a t-shirt that read I Love Oral Sex and Spiderman underwear stained with blood in the rectal area. Her arms were badly bruised and she had four large lacerations on her legs. Carlos lay on his bed wearing his women’s pink Too Sexy underwear and a tie-dyed t-shirt that read I Pay No Mind to Haters. Carlos reached over to the night stand and grabbed his battery-powered penis pump. He then used the contraption to induce an erection. The young woman climbed up onto Carlos’ bed and dutifully gave Carlos a blowjob ignoring the large purulent chancre on Carlos’ penis. Carlos yawned during the blowjob; excessive yawning was one of the many afflictions that Carlos suffered from. After Carlos discharged his aching libido into the prostitute’s mouth, he farted and then said to her, Mi leche está bien buena! Te hace fuerte mija (my milk is really good! It makes you strong). Carlos gave the young woman fifty pesos, and she left the room with semen flooding out her nose. This act of lechery did not surprise me. Carlos told me on numerous occasions that he was an unreasonable man of the law," after which he would always laugh hysterically and soil himself.

There was no laughter today, just a dark and dingy Mexican bedroom kept ridiculously cold by an LG air conditioner. Next to the air conditioner was a cheap painting of Da Vinci’s Last Supper. One of Carlos’ favorite mantras was, Give me kitsch or give me death! Suddenly, I saw a rat run across the dirty floor choking on a piece of floss. My observation of this absurd spectacle was interrupted by Carlos’ final words:

Behold! The spirit of the Lord has ceased to strive with me. I am a dark, filthy, and loathsome beast. Never did I prowl the earth without the winds of wickedness at my back. I was born full of unquenchable evil, salt without any savor, and a ravenous wolf in sheep’s clothing as it were. Now the sword of vengeance hangs over my head, and who can comprehend the merciless Hell that waits for this son of perdition? (See Book of Mormon; 3 Nephi 14:15; 3 Nephi 16:15; Mormon 5:15-16; Mormon 8:41)

Carlos nodded his head in my direction, indicating he wanted me to administer a massive dose of dimethyltryptamine. I complied with his wish, which caused his eyes to roll back into his head, his ass to spew diarrhea and his body to convulse. Five minutes later Dr. Carlos Stumpf died of unnatural causes on April 20, 2010.

Chapter 2

The Oedipus Complex of Jesus Christ

My name is Tim Ocheltree. When I first met Dr. Carlos Stump, I had no intention of writing a biography. Nevertheless, I became so enthralled with this peculiar man that I felt compelled to tell his story.

I was in my senior year of college, majoring in Psychology at the University of Northern Arizona – Yuma campus, when I first became acquainted with Dr. Carlos Stumpf. In my final semester, I was required to take a course in the History of Psychology. I was fascinated by the unusual people who were described in this course. Nevertheless, the people in the textbook were primarily white men. I wondered if there were any notable Mexican psychologists. Thus, when my task became to give a presentation on a psychologist of my choosing, I sought out a Mexican psychologist. I began my search on the internet and came across an interesting dissertation. The title of the dissertation was, The Oedipus Complex of Jesus Christ. This theoretical work was written by Carlos Stumpf. I spent the whole day reading this intriguing topic.

Carlos’ thesis was that Christianity was based on Jesus’ hostility for his father (i.e. the God of the Old Testament) and his sexual desire for his mother (i.e. the Virgin Mary). Carlos portrayed the God of the Old Testament as an alcoholic father — sometimes violent, tyrannical, adorable, awe-inspiring, demanding obedience, unpredictable etc. Thus, the hostility that developed between Jesus and his Father drove Jesus toward his loving mother. Nevertheless, Jesus never resolved his Oedipus complex. Jesus symbolically kills his father by becoming God and creating a new religion. These acts were highly transgressive and created a profound sense of guilt in Jesus, which prompted him to redeem himself before his Father by becoming a sacrificial offering for the sins of the world. Carlos concluded that neuroses, perversions and psychoses become prevalent in societies where the oedipal narrative of Christianity is highly valued. Furthermore, Carlos interpreted Christ on the cross as the symbolic representation of the psychological burden of the Oedipus Complex.

After reading Carlos’ dissertation, I decided to get in contact with him. Unbeknownst to me, Carlos was a graduate of Northern Arizona University-Yuma. I contacted the alumni department and obtained Carlos’ email. I wrote to him and asked if I could use him for my class presentation. Carlos responded with, "Meet me tomorrow at Subway. Mediodia (noon)."

Chapter 3

Subway

I arrived at Subway at 11:45 a.m. I decided to order a sandwich while I waited for Dr. Stumpf. While I was asking for jalapenos to be put on my turkey sandwich, I heard someone say, Foot long nigger forest ham on white. I turned to my right and saw a short, portly, Mexican man wearing a blue and white swimsuit and a wife-beater tank top stained with salsa. In addition, the man had a ring tattoo on his left ring finger, and there were some loose leaf papers stuffed under his