No Smoke Without Fire

By Paddy Murray

It's 2007, the government has just introduced a blanket ban on smoking in public buildings and workplaces in Ireland. Michael Martin, the minister for health takes pride in being the only country in Europe to take such measures to date, but the regulars in a Dublin pub are incensed as they're forced outdoors into a cold, damp lean-to for their nicotine fix. The conversations divulge information regarding Mary Kelly's ruffian sons who are serving five years for a post office robbery but Suzie, the Chinese Lounge girl discovers where they've hidden the €60,000 booty. Now it's the mission of Barbara, a shrewd young manager from the bookmakers next door to get her hands on the loot without arousing suspicion. As one actress morphs into seven female characters an hilarious tale of crime and it's consequences unfolds.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781326215651

Book preview

No Smoke Without Fire

No Smoke Without Fire

By Paddy Murray (Draft 27 January 2015)

Copyright © 2014, Paddy Murray

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-326-21565-1

No Smoke WIthout Fire

One actress plays all seven roles on an empty black stage. The furniture and props are mimed and the characters seamlessly morph from one to the other.

Setting: The smoking area of a pub somewhere on the outskirts of Dublin.

Date: November 2007, soon after the introduction of the smoking ban in Ireland.

Characters

Mrs Gibney:  Dublin woman. Age 65. Lanky Larry’s mother. Recently widowed.

Mary Kelly: Early 40s. Rural accent. Mother of the egregious Kelly twins.

Sarah: Liverpool accent. Age 25. Visiting Dublin for her cousin Trisha’s wedding.

Trisha: Dublin accent slightly affected to reflect her ambitions. Age 25. Tommo’s bride to be.

Barbara: Late 20s. Discerning Bookies manager. Aspires to move to Santa Ponsa.

Angelica: Early 20s: Dublin 4 Dort accent. Car broke down. This is NOT her local.

Suzie: Age 23. Chinese Lounge Girl. Overworked, undervalued.

Duration: 55 minutes.

Two acts. No interval.

...represents a response to another character.

The following characters enter the smoking area and converse but are never seen or heard by the audience.

Cinta: A regular customer.

Helen and Friend: Trisha and Sarah's  friends.

Mugsy: Mary Kelly's partner in search of her sons loot. Returning to London to work as a pimp.

Larry: Mrs Gibney's son. Tommo’s best friend.

Tommo: Trisha’s groom to be.

Mrs: A smoker stuck listening to Mrs Gibney's rant. She doesn't know her name.

Johnny Mac: A regular customer. Tells stories and gives advice to Mrs Gibney.

ACT I

SCENE ONE

SCENE ONE

Friday evening 9:30pm approx. Mrs Gibney age 65 enters carrying a large bottle of Guinness and an empty glass.)

Mrs. Gibney

(Addresses Cinta)

Howya missus.

We must be mad what?

I say we must be mad coming out here in the cold.

(She pours the Guinness into her glass, places her clutch handbag on the table and pull the bar stool out from under the high table to sit on. She opens her bag and takes out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. She lights the cigarette, returns the cigarettes to her bag and snaps it closed.)

… What else can we do is right missus.  We’re treated no better than leopards these days with these new smoking laws.  I