The Casino of Jokes: A Visit to a Gaming Casino

By Gil Ruppel

Playing gaming casino slot machines is a lot of fun and exciting when you are winning money, but losing is a downer as highlighted by the joke below: Question - Do you know how to walk away with a small fortune after playing gaming casino slot machines? Answer - Start playing with a large fortune. But wait, there is a gaming casino where there are no losers, only winners. Impossible, not true! Its name is The Casino of Jokes, a book that simulates a visit to a modern gaming casino. The book provides a basic knowledge of gaming casino slot machine play and enables the reader to select and play slot machines with over 750 hilarious jokes and cartoons related to Faith, Medicine, Law, Bliss (courtship and marriage), Work, Animals/Pets and Sports. The joke winners will entertain and generate laughter for family, friends, and co-workers no matter where or when. So pay a visit to The Casino of Jokes, select and play a slot machine and enjoy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Jun 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483405001

Book preview

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Copyright © 2014 Gilbert L. Ruppel, Jr. and Ginette G. Picard-Gaffney.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or

transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or

electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except

in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized

reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-1310-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-0500-1 (e)

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in

this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views

expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the

views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 05/19/2014

CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

FAITH

CLERGY

NUNS

PARISHIONERS

ENTERING HEAVEN

GOD

MEDICINE

DOCTORS

PSYCHIATRISTS

DENTISTS

HEALTH SPECIALIST

LAW

CRIMINALS

POLICE

LAWYERS

JUDGES

BLISS

COURTSHIP

MARRIAGE

WORK

UNEMPLOYED

EMPLOYED

BAR

GUYS AND GALS

BAR ANIMALS

ANIMALS/PETS

ANIMAL KINGDOM

SPORTS

BASEBALL

FOOTBALL

BOATING

GOLF

HUNTING

SPORTS POTPOURRI

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

The Casino of Jokes includes jokes collected by word of mouth or from the internet over the years in addition to the jokes originated by the author. I thank the many unknown contributors, particularly the guys I played tennis with from 1965 to the present. The pre and post court sessions consist mostly of joke telling, sports and politics.

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DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to my wife, Ginette Picard, for her support, assistance, understanding, and encouragement in the preparation of the manuscript for this publication. We shared many laughs along the way.

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INTRODUCTION

The new Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a joke as something said or done to provoke laughter. The first joke may have been spoken in the Garden of Eden when Eve asked Adam, Do you love me? and Adam replied, Who else? Did Eve laugh, probably not? I doubt she thought the reply was even funny. But what we do know, is jokes have evolved to become an integral part of our daily lives and culture.

Jokes are created by making fun of someone or something. We attack our politicians, professions, religions, blond women, etc. No topic is safe in the desire to create a humorous joke punch line that will entertain the audience. Prior to the arrival of the electronic age, the public’s exposure to jokes was limited to mouth-to-mouth communication or the reading of printed material. The implementation of satellite communication, particularly the computer Internet/E-mail system, has enabled a joke to have instantaneous world wide distribution. Today, the airways are filled with jokes contributed by unknown creators and distributors.

The laughter generated by a joke is now recognized by medical science as being beneficial in maintaining a person’s physical and mental health. Laughter increases the number of B-cells, T-cells and Immunoglobulin in the blood which reduce stress and protect our heart. A good belly-laugh may be The best medicine as proclaimed by Reader’s Digest magazine. People are turning to laughter/entertainment to provide temporary relief from the daily problems in their lives. An expanding source of this entertainment is the gaming casino.

Gaming casinos are exciting! The pulling of a handle or pushing of a button on a slot machine and watching the wheels spin starts adrenaline flowing in your veins. When the wheels stop and the appropriate winning symbols appear on the screen, a light comes on and a bell rings to signify a jackpot has been won. The winning of a jackpot is a rewarding, thrilling and fun event that generates laughter.

A problem with gaming casino slot machines, however, is that the spinning wheels generate more losers than winners. According to a brochure, The House Advantage, provided to customers by the Charles Town Races & Slots Casino the slot machines are based on random outcomes and always favor the house. The slot machines are games of chance and provide a form of entertainment at a price to you, the player. Casinos often publish pictures of big jackpot winners in their advertisements, but over a period of time the house will come out ahead. Slot machines are programmed to typically have a house advantage of five to twelve percent. For example, in a wager with a house advantage of five percent the player will lose, on average, over time, five dollars for every one hundred dollars wagered. Losing is a downer, unprofitable and fails to generate laughter. But what if there was a casino where the spinning slot machine wheels produced only winners. Impossible, not true. There is such a casino, The Casino of Jokes that provides only joke winners to entertain and generate fun in our lives.

The Casino of Jokes contains eight slot machines with jokes related to a specific segment of our life experiences. The slot machine segments are, Faith, Medicine, Law, Bliss (Courtship and Marriage), Work, Bar, Animals / Pets and Sports. The jokes in each segment are subdivided to provide jokes on specific areas; see the Table of Contents. The slot machines contain jokes in both written and cartoon form for your enjoyment.

So turn the page, enter the Casino of Jokes, select the slot machine desired and enjoy!

CASINO OF JOKES

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SECURITY CHECK

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THE PLAYERS CARD

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The players card number is your casino identification number. When the card is inserted into a slot machine, the casino records the date and time play started, how long the machine was played and the amount of money won or lost. The casino uses the data to establish a historical record of your slot play. The financial data is used to is used to identify and separate customers spending large sums (casino determined) and other categories of spending. The player may be awarded a Platinum, Gold or Standard players card based upon the sum of money played within a casino defined time frame. Perks are awarded to Platinum and Gold card holders, such as free valet parking, access to club rooms serving free drinks and food, free tickets to casino events, paid travels expenses, etc.

When the players card is inserted into the slot machine, points may be awarded (casino option) based on the amount of money played. The accumulated points are casino money recorded on the players card to purchase gift shop items, restaurant food, pay hotel bills, etc. Some casinos provide a gift of the month to their players card holders. The higher the number of points, the increased value of the gift reward. Casinos frequently hold drawings to attract and retain customers. The number of points earned often determines the number of entries the player has in the drawing. Valuable rewards, such as, cars, free slot play, cash, free travel, etc. are provided.

Casino financial data, money won or lost is available if needed for tax return preparation However, if you don’t want evidence of you gambling at a gaming casino, don’t enter a players card into the slot machines when attending a gaming casino.

CASINO REWARDS

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SLOT MACHINE PLAY

GAMING CASINOS

Gaming casino slot machines require a monetary input or Cashout voucher be inserted to be activated for play. A minimum amount of money, defined as a bet, must be wagered on each pull of the handle or play button pushed. If the player cash in the machine falls below the minimum bet required, the slot machine will stop play and light a cash out lamp indicating more funds have to be inserted to continue play.

During play, if the spinning slot machine wheels stop on a winning combination, the player receives a cash award determined by the amount bet and the value of the spinning wheel combination. For example, three red sevens displayed would have a greater cash value than two cherries. The spinning wheels also provide a bonus play, usually free games, where the player may increase his cash available without making a bet. A very large slot machine reward is called a jackpot.

If a player decides to quit playing the slot machine while his cash available is larger than the minimum bet requirement, a cash out button is pushed and the machine prints out a CASHOUT voucher for the amount of cash remaining in the machine.

The voucher is valid for input to casino machines where issued, but not other casino slot machines. It is slot machine cash, and is not for use in making casino purchases such as, gift shop items, food and drink purchases, tickets, etc. Cashout vouchers issued by a casino are void after a specified date printed on the voucher. If a player needs cash, ATMs and casino cashiers to make bank withdraws are available.

CASINO OF JOKES

The Casino of Jokes is an amusement park attraction where you buy a ticket that provides a defined amount of time to play the eight different slot machines available. The number of jokes awarded depends upon the number of winning combinations occuring and their total value during the time of slot machine play.

SLOT NO. 1 - FAITH

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A STRONG FAITH ENHANCES

THE CAPABILITY TO OVERCOME

THE ADVERSITIES OF LIFE.

CLERGY

Quaisimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame Cathedral died and the priest in charge advertised for a new bell ringer. A hunch back with no arms applied. The priest asks, My son, are you sure you can do this job?

To prove he could do the job, the hunchback ran up to the bell tower. He positioned himself several feet from the huge bell and hurled his body at it. The side of his face struck the bell and the Cathedral was filled with glorious sound. He then struck the bell again. The third time he tried to strike the bell, he was dizzy and bloody. He missed the bell and plunged to his death. The priest ran from the Cathedral and administered the last rites.

After the last rites were finished, a constable appeared and asked the priest, Do you know this man?

The priest replied, No, but his face rings a bell.

After Quaisimodo’s replacement died, his twin brother applied for the job of bell ringer of Notre Dame Cathedral. He also had no arms. To prove his capability, he ran up the bell tower, hurled himself at the huge bell, missed and plunged to his death. The priest ran out of the Cathedral and administered the last rites.

A constable appeared and asked the priest, Do you know this man?

The priest replied, No, but he is a dead ringer for his brother.

A congregation was asked so often to commit money that they requested the priest refer to them as the fleeced and not the flock.

An Irish priest made a visit to the Murphy family on the eve of his transfer to Rome. The couple had been childless for six years. He promised to light a candle and pray for them to have a child, while he was at the Vatican. Thirteen years later he returned to Ireland, dropped in on the Murphy family and found nine children romping around the house.

The priest congratulated Mrs. Murphy on having the children and asked, Where is Mr. Murphy?

She replied, Oh, he went to the Vatican to blow out that candle.

A priest looked at the bike rack outside his parish home and couldn’t find his bike. He thought that one of the parishioners might have stolen his bike. In hope of making the thief feel guilty and return his bike, he selected the Ten Commandments as the subject of his Sunday sermon.

He was in the middle of the sermon when he said, Thou shall not commit adultery. And then he remembered where he had left his bike!

An older priest invited a younger priest to dinner. The younger priest noticed that dinner was being served by an attractive young lady.

He asked, Has she been working here long?

The older priest says, About five years and before you ask the obvious question, no I am not sleeping with her.

The next morning the young lady noticed the priest’s favorite wine glass was missing and told him. The older priest phones the young priest and says, I’m not saying you took my wine glass or didn’t take it, but it was here before you left.

The young priest says, I’m not saying you sleep with the young lady or you don’t sleep with the young lady. However, if you didn’t sleep with her last night in her bedroom you would have found the wine glass on the top of your bed in your bedroom last night.

A parish priest was conversing with a church member whose husband had passed away suddenly the previous night.

After expressing sorrow over her loss, the priest asks, Did your husband have any last request?

The wife says, Yes father, he said please put the gun down.

One of the hobbies of a twelve year old boy was hiding in the closet of his mother’s bedroom while his mother entertained her lover. One day his father came home early and his mother shoved her lover into the closet.

The boy says, It sure is dark in here. Hey, would you like to buy a football for a hundred dollars? It might make me forget that I saw you here.

The guy says, Okay, but keep your mouth shut.

Next week, the lover returned and again the boy was in the closet when his father came home early and his mother hid her lover.

The boy says, It sure is dark in here. Would you like to buy a football helmet for a hundred dollars?

The guy says, Okay, I know the deal. I buy the helmet and you keep your mouth shut, right?

The boy says, Right.

Later that week the boy’s father tells him to get the football and the helmet so they can play some catch.

The boy says, I sold them for two hundred dollars.

His father says, You’re lying, and sends him off to confession.

The boy sits in the confessional box, the door shuts and the window opens to the priest. The boy says, It sure is dark in here.

The priest says, Listen up kid, I’m out of money and I don’t even like football.

A dimwitted guy approached a priest walking on the street and noticed his unusual collar. The guy stopped the priest and asked, Why do you wear your shirt backwards?

The priest laughed and replied, Because I am a father.

The guy said, I am a father also, but I don’t wear my shirt backwards.

Again the priest laughed and says, But I am a father of thousands.

The guy says, Well then, perhaps you should wear your pants on backwards instead of your shirt.

A preacher was assigned to a small church on the outskirts of a small town. While moving in, a fire broke out.

The preacher placed a 911 emergency call and said, A fire has started at my church and I need some firemen.

The emergency operator asks, How do the fireman get to your church?

The preacher says, I don’t know. Don’t they have any of those red trucks with ladders on them?

The doctor’s son says, My dad makes his money easy. He looks at a person, talks to him, writes something down and is paid seventy five dollars.

The lawyer’s son says, That’s nothing. My dad sits in his office, someone comes in and asks a question and he tells them he’ll look it up in a book and give them an answer. Then he is paid a hundred fifty dollars.

A ministers son say’s to the other two guys, Your fathers make peanuts. My father preaches at a well attended church in an affluent neighborhood. When he finishes preaching, it takes 6 men to collect the money and bring it down the aisles.

CHANCE MEETING

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A drunk with lipstick on his shirt and a bottle of whiskey in his coat pocket sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. He opened a newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the drunk turned to the priest and asked, Father, what causes arthritis?

The priest replies, It’s caused by loose living, running around with cheap wicked women and drinking alcohol in excess.

The drunk says, That’s a surprise, and returned to reading his newspaper.

The priest feeling he had been too harsh on the guy nudged-him and apologized, he said, I’m sorry you have arthritis.

The drunk says, Oh, I don’t have arthritis. I was reading a newspaper article that said the Vatican doctor attending the pope says the pope may have arthritis.

A guy goes to his barber and he is all excited about going to Rome. He says, I’m flying on Air Italia airlines, staying at the Rome Hilton hotel, and visiting the Pope.

The barber says, The airline is terrible, the hotel is a dump and you will have to stand in line for hours to see the Pope.

The guy goes to Rome and returns.

On his next visit to the barbershop, the barber asks, Well how was the trip?

The guy says, Both the airline and the hotel were great I saw the Pope and I got a chance to bend down and kiss his ring.

The barber asks, What did the Pope say?

The guy replied, The Pope asked, ‘Where did I get that awful haircut?’

Do you know God designed life to allow people to understand it looking backwards, but it must be lived forwards?

A parishioner lost faith when the priest gave a sermon announcing the end was near and then asked the congregation to commit to a five year building program.

A Catholic priest wanted to buy a racehorse to win races and raise money for his parish. However, the funds he had saved were not enough to buy a thoroughbred. His only choice was to purchase a mule that could run exceptionally fast. The mule won his first race.

The sports page headline read, Father’s ass out in front.

The Bishop was upset and recommended the priest hold the mule back in the next race. The mule finished second.

The sports page headline read, Father’s ass in place.

The Bishop was furious and told the priest to hold the mule back even more. The mule finished third in his next race.

The sports page headline read, Father’s ass shows.

The Bishop had enough and ordered the priest to retire the mule on a convent farm managed by nuns.

The sports page headline read, Father’s ass now taken care of by Catholic nuns.

A minister gave a sermon on the evils of alcohol. To prove his point, he filled one glass with water and another glass with alcohol and dropped a live worm in each of them. The worm in water continued to swim around, but the worm in alcohol curled up and died.

The minister noticed John, the town alcoholic, in the congregation and asked him, What does this prove?

John replied, "If you drink alcohol, you won’t have