Grief Transformed - One Man's Journey

By Elliott Rosselet

This book chronicles the author's personal journey through the stages of grief over a period of 20 months, and is a compilation of thoughts and experiences as he came to terms with the sudden loss of his wife. It is written as a series of emails which were written to help the author cope with the trauma.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Nov 16, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312681842

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Grief Transformed - One Man's Journey

Grief Transformed - One Man's Journey

by

Elliott Rosselet

Copyright © 2014, Elliott Rosselet

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-312-68184-2

Preface

It is said that there are no experts in grief, only fellow travelers. And every traveler’s experience is unique. Yet even so, this narrative of a journey through grief may strike a chord with your own here and there and it is my hope and prayer that some of the thoughts or emotions expressed may resonate with you so that any sense of aloneness in grief may be softened.

I owe a great deal to certain individuals who have come alongside to help me through this difficult period of my life. Friends and co-workers where I work have provided immense help, and friends distant and far have been there for me in ways that I find hard to put to words. One individual stands out at the very beginning of this period. Calling from Ecuador, he simply advised me Keep talking. Many times in the months to follow, speech was beyond my reach. But I found that I could write instead, and so here you have a sampling of that effort to share the smallest portion of thoughts that came my way, to stave off the fear that gradually my mind was unraveling and that my best days had come and gone forever.

And in the process of travelling this road, I have come to a place where I believe that great loss can give a better view, a deeper longing, for the Lord himself, so that we can say with earnest conviction, Come, Lord Jesus.

Do not be afraid, Abram.

I am your shield,

your very great reward.  Gen. 15:1

Month one

May 2007

--- Dear M,

My mistake was to be so close emotionally to Beth over the years and to share in quiet conversations so many thoughts and fears. Then to have it end so abruptly last Monday was more than I could take. I can be fine for hours and then it comes and hits me broadside.

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-- Dear M,

Yes, we have a caring community at our church who have reached out in very tangible ways over the last week. It has meant a great deal to me. Also, friends at work have been very supportive. K who is a junior at P has a caring support network there and T will be picking him up Thursday of this week when exams come to an end. J is maybe having a harder time. He has shown little emotion but I think under the strong veneer he is hurting deeply. He may need more prayers than W and I.

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-- to a friend

Thanks for your prayers M. I got a call from S (message on machine) and hope to call back tomorrow.

Nowadays it's an odd mixture of work and emptiness. Once I'm back home in the evening, everything seems pointless with no Beth to share it with. But I need some routine in the evening. So I keep moving. The silence is deafening.

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-- to a friend in town

Hi A,

It's Ok, I thought you'd be trying to reach me sometime soon. Today being Thursday, S and I are planning to go to Mt. Olivet maybe around 6 or 6:15 to say hello to Beth and the two of us can come over after (we'll only be there for a little while, I need to stop at the grocery store first and get some flowers).

Although I know in my mind that Beth will be remembered, in my heart I have my doubts and those are enough to open the floodgates. So I spend a lot of time thinking about Beth, because my heart is in the driver's seat more often than it used to be.

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-- to friends at work

Hi all,

Yesterday as I gathered up the photo albums in our living room and began to put things back to normal, I came across the vast sea of cards that our family has received from many of you over the last few weeks, and it continues to overwhelm me. As time continues to go by I admit to a sense of fear or doubt about what Beth’s legacy truly is. Will she be remembered? And although I know she will, it says in Ps. 90:17 that the establishment of her legacy is in the Lord’s hands, and that is more than I could possibly ask. So I just want to let you know that I appreciate your continued prayers, and for your thoughtful notes and shared conversations. Be glad to know that the day before Beth was taken, we shared at a very deep level in the back yard when she expressed doubts about the significance of her life (which she felt was so small), and I reminded her that she had no idea of how much of an effect she had on those around her. And now I come to see she had more of an effect on me than I realized when I told her that. Again, thank you all. I will do my best to stay productive here and solve the ever-present problems we seem to have, but there will be times when I feel like I’m becoming unhinged. (That’s optimistic – I was already unhinged) Let this just serve as a temporary thank you for your reaching out to me (notes, conversations, visits, etc), because I don’t have the opportunity to reach out individually to each of you and express what is on my heart.

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—To a friend in Illinois

Hi A,

Great to hear from you. The Lord has been truly good over the past few days, through friends here at work, and also little reminders of his goodness that come to mind. I remember how Beth was in the depths of depression this past winter because the Lord reminded me of a passage in Job that I read on Mar 29 (Job 17:1) and how I thought at the time -- that's Beth talking. Yet now looking back, and remembering how she became so cheerful those last few weeks, and how she'd call and say hi on the answering machine and how you don't need to call back, I'm OK, just thinking of you. And then, quickly, without prolonged pain, the Lord took her home. Now I've been reading those many love letters that we shared between us from the beginning and it was such a wonderful revelation of how such a quiet timid lady really began to live with such enthusiasm! So it's been a week of remembering just how deep the love was that the Lord gifted us with. I know that Beth is full of joy abundant now, and also I no longer feel guilty at feeling good myself -- because the depths of my grief cannot reveal the richness of what God gave us. I believe now that by branching out and starting to do things again, and learning to celebrate the life God has given us -- that is better. And yes, the tears still come, mostly in the morning hours, but that is to be expected. But one day our dear Lord will wipe all of them away.

Thank you for your prayers. And especially ask the Lord to quiet my heart and teach me to wait patiently for the next steps. With Beth now gone for three weeks, I'm seeking in my heart for someone to pour my heart out to, but I need to learn to wait on the Lord and seek my sufficiency in him, not another soulmate. Or at least not yet.

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--To friends in town

Hi all,

Just want to send out a quick note and fill you in on things. With Beth's passing, I have been finding it hard to be motivated. Yesterday I thought was a turning point as I finished going through our love letters for the most part and this morning actually listened to the radio on the way to work. Which is worth commenting on, because for the past few weeks even the sound of the radio has been too much and I prefer silence (or something like slow classical music). Also, I have yet to have any desire to get back to reading or watching movies, but I'm getting close. But this evening when I went to get the mail and found the cards from the Ls, I could not contain the emotion any longer and thankfully experienced a real catharsis and release. And again when K mentioned how she missed Beth, I was surprised to find the same deep emotions so nearby. So in case you're wondering why I did not share tonight, it may simply be that I would not know what to say and did not have anything tangible to say other than a great pile of emotion. But I do want you to know first that I sense and value your caring and support, all of you, over the past few weeks, and also bring you up to date on what the coroner found. She mentioned that when she found the patch on Beth's neck, that that was a key indicator because the neck area is an area of greater circulatory activity, and that the narcotic would have been released into Beth's body that much faster. Not only that, but the narcotic agent would have triggered the brain to affect the respiratory system in a shutdown that reminded me of how I heard Beth's labored breathing that last night. Also, the coroner mentioned that the volume of meds Beth was taking had a heightening effect on the narcotic. Finally, I still wonder just how desperate Beth was to have these pains eliminated, since we went to the ER three times in about 2 weeks to treat migraines in April. And so I wonder if the Lord simply spared her that pain, by taking her suddenly home. I know that Beth is at peace. The Lord has given me little reminders here and there of his mercy through this blackness, but I am living one day at a time. The mornings for some reason find my emotions more at the surface and most days I find myself unable to hold it in on the way to work. But that is necessary. Slowly the Lord is giving me grace to rebuild a new life, and in the coming weeks I will do my best to reach out to people and ask for help. I need you all, even if only to share a remembrance of Beth together so we can cry on each others shoulders and continue the healing. Again, thanks for all that you've done. And please continue to pray for me that I will not revert back to keeping it bottled up and in control. Even the thought today that I have real friends was more than I could bear and yet it was a good awareness. Your caring has been tangible.

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Month two

June 2007

Hi again A,

Just another quick note to keep you up to date. Yesterday and today were very hard, with communion at the end of the service (the last time was on 5/6/07, that last full day we were together) and also remembering our last conversations four weeks ago from yesterday afternoon. At such times it is still hard to cry, but it does become harder to breathe. Like I’m choking. Then this morning was the memory of 4 weeks ago she was already gone. They say it will get better with time. But I don’t want it to get better, I just want Beth back. For 25 years I was able to go home and share and listen and talk and joke, and now for 4 weeks straight that has been GONE never to return. I know she is at peace, and I know that she would want me happy, but I can’t get there from here with this saying goodbye part of my life. Saying goodbye only brings sorrow, no joy. And what does saying goodbye mean when she will be part of me for the rest of my life? It is meaningless.

But I have to say goodbye, this closure crap, to get on with my life. Because apparently the Lord wants me here still, or I would already be gone too. So the pain of saying this somehow, of letting the memories fade gently, and gracefully, will come, despite all my desires to hold onto them.

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to a friend

N,

Have been meaning to write for a couple of weeks now but things kept piling up. Beth's passing came as a real shock, yet after talking with the coroner things have begun to make sense. This last 4 weeks have been so painful, it is hard to write about. They say things will get better. But I don't want them better. I just want Beth back. Yet I'm also thankful that her pains are at an end.

There is so much that I'd like to go into, maybe it would be better to meet or talk by phone.

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Dear all,

As F mentioned in today's service, friends are people that we feel safe being vulnerable with, and can confide in. So here goes!

Yesterday and today have been rather straining but in a good healing way. Yesterday I was able to track down a copy of the May 6 church bulletin and noticed one of the hymns was Great is thy faithfulness. And I began to suspect that the Lord had some solace to provide, since he has mercifully shown little evidences of his lavish grace since Beth was taken. I was not disappointed. In the third verse, were two phrases that caught my attention thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide and I realized that Beth has that presence in fullness now. But the other one really got to me bright hope for tomorrow and I thought -- yes, Beth got her bright hope on the Monday! Isn't the Lord good to us??

This past week Beth's counselor spoke with D and encouraged him to get in touch with his feelings over the loss of his mother. So D and I (and J last night) have looked at photos of when his mother was first married and smiling broadly in every picture, and more recently he and I have put real personality into those pictures by my reading our love letters to him. But in so doing, this experience has been excruciating at times because you can see so clearly the flowering of a deep love that God gave to us (making her passing more poignant). To express this pain, this quote from a book received recently perhaps puts it best:

If we do become as one with our spouse then upon their death we lose part of ourselves. Only those widowed can know this particular loneliness, a loneliness that is as tangible as our own flesh. From the tragic death of a young husband or wife to the merciful demise of a long time spouse who has suffered much with declining health or the toll of years, the one left feels their heart tearing apart and must look someplace for consolation and for hope. There is, at times, no greater sacrifice than saying goodbye. The pain is palpable; living with us through the days and nights. There is no courage greater than that of the widowed spouse resisting the temptation to withdraw from life. Just to pick up the phone, to answer the door, or to reply to a letter from a friend offering sympathy and support can take heroic effort. Living through the grief is a very conscious endeavor that takes ingenuity, discipline and focus. Acceptance of the death of a spouse and a subsequent new way of life does not just happen. It is crafted in faith and prayer and the invaluable help of those who understand and care... Just as we were forever changed by our loved one who has died so can we share the lessons of that great bond and by so doing let others know that not only does love never fail.. it also never ends.

And so to wrap up, I would like to offer the opportunity, if you are interested, to share these same letters with you all, so that you can all appreciate more tangibly what love Beth and I shared. I know this sounds like an odd request, yet perhaps the reason I offer it is a conviction that the love we shared is a love from God and would be referenced as such, so that neither Beth nor I take credit, but the giver of all that is good.

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Hi K,

I’ve been in a reflective mode this morning. H gave me a CD for father’s day that I listened to on the way in to work. And that was good, but every so often this morning I’ve been stealing snatches from A Season of Grief. There’s a section Time of Hope where the author recalls how someone in her church (a priest) mentioned that at the passing of her son, it might simply have been that he got so close to touching heaven that he didn’t want to come back. And that brought back memories of May 6 when our pastor mentioned that this new church location is not the promised land. I think of the sheer joy Beth felt that morning and I believe that the Lord was preparing her for the journey ahead.

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Hi all,

In response to P's email, here are some things I'd appreciate your prayers on. First, some good news -- T and L appear to have made a commitment to keep coming to services at church, and L spoke to V about counseling. So pray that that will move forward. Also, we are all cramming into my Pontiac Sunfire tomorrow morn to visit our old church (pray for fam relations to be maintained ha ha)

And finally thanks for your prayers for me. I have heard that this season of grief may go on for an extended time. A coworker lost her husband a year ago last March and is still experiencing some aspects of the grieving process. Even today just chatting with G and Y I found myself sometimes reaching for air. But like I said to them, such moments are really good because they serve as reminders of the love the Lord kept between us. It's funny though - over the last month or two I recall speaking to one of you (long ago) about the strain of caring for someone who was subject to the terrific undertow of depression, and in the deep recesses of my memory I recall saying I don't think I could live without her. Which is turning out to be hauntingly true, because these days I feel I am merely existing, with the 'sound of silence' echoing in my ears every day I come home.

I realize that much of what I have just shared may seem odd or unusual, but if you ever meet someone who has lost a child or spouse, please be aware of the intense longing and pain they are going through. And in many ways our ministry to such people is learning not only what to say (which is important), but also what not to say. So I recommend to you all both Lewis A Grief Observed and also Ann Dawson's A Season of Grief which has many good thoughts. I've got copies of both if you want to borrow them.

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Month three

July 2007

H,

Thank you for replying. There have been times in the last few weeks where my cynical side tries to talk me into thinking that nobody cares. That’s why you're not getting any emails but I keep telling that part of me to shut up, that people do care but that they don't know how to show it -- this whole phase of my life is so strange. This morning on the way to work I thought things were normal and I was feeling actually cheerful, and then at some point I just could not control the tears over missing Beth. And now that I'm at work they have welled up several times this morning. But it's encouraging, and I think that part of the reason is that phrases from our letters come back to me and hit me. And that is wonderful because I thank God that he gave me the privilege of a love so deep that the mere memory of it chokes me. One day when you have found the resilience or the opportunity, it will help immensely to enter into the grief by giving free rein to the tears. They are so healing and soothing. But when you are ready -- I know both of you have a lot on your plate right now. I'll be praying for both of you -- that the Lord will comfort you as he has me. T's girlfriend shared that this spring when Beth would call her during the day, there was at least one occasion when she told her not to call after a certain time (the time when I got home) because that was our time". That meant so much to me because after all our years together I dreaded the thought that I had disappointed Beth somehow, yet this little memory has brought much joy and tears knowing that even up to the end we shared that close emotional bond.

Thanks for your prayers H. And especially for responding. And don't feel bad about the timing -- you can only take on so much when you're having to look at the prospect of severe mood downswings. I'll be praying especially for your fears re. losing M.

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Thanks A,

For the first time ever, my life has been split in two. There is the BD before death phase and the AD phase. Every day I get up I mentally calculate this is the Nth week into AD. Today is the 8th week, and things have stabilized somewhat, although sometimes just a phrase going through my mind triggers such a volume of emotion that I wonder where did that come from. I remember so clearly sharing the hardships of being married to Beth at times, yet now the only thought I have is a sense of phenomenal privilege to have known her. And a week doesn't go by that I don't remember saying to Beth on that last day of BD, May 6 -- you have no idea the effect you have on people around you. It's eerie to think that the Lord knew what was coming and that he ensured that I would be allowed to encourage her that day, and also that I would remember her response -- yes, that is encouraging, I will remember that. I feel like I am living 60% here on earth and 40% somewhere else, with my thoughts going back again and again to our whole relationship.

And actually, if you and G ever have opportunity and resilience to read the letters (even months or years from now), I think you will be (as I have been) conscious of something that the Lord graciously engineered for us so that we would be awed by his tremendous providential care. For from early on Beth and I both realized that the love we shared was not initiated by either of us, as a plain and simple fact like Monday follows Sunday or that you do the differential calculus before doing integrals.

Anyway, yes I would like to get together sometime. Let's talk Sunday about it.

Cheers,

Elliott

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-- to a friend

Good, maybe we can chat over ice cream today and talk times. Things are getting better, and I'm finding that days are reasonably manageable, although often, especially alone, just the thought of Beth or whispering words like I miss you sweetheart brings a lot to the surface (like even typing the words and reading them). But hopefully within a year or so things will begin to subside more and more. But thankfully she will never be forgotten.

Elliott

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-- to a friend

Thanks Z for sending this. Slowly but surely the days are becoming more stable, although many days are still very heavy. But the Lord is becoming my Rock in new ways, and continues to speak to me in great comfort. His abiding presence has become more real through these weeks and months than at any other time in my life. One day I hope to share more of what He has brought me through, but in the meantime please pray for our trip to Canada in October to celebrate our 25th anniversary. Although we are actually no longer married, yet in our deepening love I know that this travel through time will play a key role in the grieving, so that I can learn more of what it means to say goodbye to the love of my life.

Elliott

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-- to a friend J in town

The hardest part is learning to share only with the Lord. I'm used to hearing a voice, a listening ear, a heart that hears (Beth). But the silence day after day gets to you. And also, if you talk with people, what do you say? I miss Beth? I've already told them that. I'm depressed? They can tell.

People don't get it. And besides, people are busy. And the raw fact remains that depending on people is a mistake. We need to learn to depend on Jesus.

Elliott

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-- to the same friend later that day

Sorry about that last email, am doing better now. But the loneliness is one of the hardest parts.

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-- to a friend in town

Hi F,

Just want to let you know I feel badly about how Friday turned out -- going on about all that stuff probably made you both feel rather awkward. I know that you are friends and that is valued, yet I shouldn't take advantage of that and talk about things that are so close to my heart. Yet I do feel torn about such things -- should I share like this or not? Because in reality, a fair amount of what I deal with from day to day is such stuff, and each day I do actually get choked up about Beth. Just that after 25 years of closeness, and then to have to work through the grief without her listening ear or hugs is hard, and learning to lean on the Lord who is invisible seems somewhat intangible at times because I'm so used to support from a real live person who can be sensed with the standard 5 senses.

But I did feel such a sense of relief sharing with you both. And although you are not at a point where you can empathize, your willingness to listen and show care that way is appreciated in such a way that I can't find the words to express my thanks. I just hope that you weren't unnerved by anything I said or how much.

Again, thank you for coming alongside. Your example (and B's) is a living testimony to the bond that the Spirit brings especially at such seasons of life as this one.

Elliott

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Month four

August 2007

Some recent thoughts on the grief journey -- and also some items so that prayer may be more focused and specific.

The process of picking up the pieces and moving forward once tragedy has occurred ensues dealing with issues that are paradoxical and laden with emotion. The paradox I refer to is the paradox of leaving Beth behind while yet staying in my heart. I think this helps explain why the death of a spouse (or a person that we were very closely attached to) may be harder to deal with than the trauma of divorce. Why? I cannot say, and should not, never having experienced divorce. Yet to deal with the death of a loved one/spouse involves leaving that part of your life in the past as we embrace the future. This leaving behind seems at times like abandonment, and to abandon someone that you still deeply love, and always will, seems not only wrong but beyond reach. Yet we are called to do it, for we cannot remain frozen in the past. It is only by God's sheer grace that we are given the strength and resolve to do such, and only day by day, week by week, saying goodbye over and over in many small ways. To say goodbye all at once would be too much to bear. Anyway, the saying goodbye continues. Beth first, then the three dogs, and today O left for college. It's now a clean slate, as far as relationships at the home are concerned. God's mighty presence is with me, and I am doing well. Your prayers have made a vital difference, and there are several areas that I would ask for prayer on:

1. Establishing a balance between being alone and being involved. I believe both are important, because being alone with the Lord will serve as the new anchor framework of my life rather than depending on people each day. But being involved is also essential because we are here to serve one another, and not to be a law unto ourselves.

2. Establishing goals for this October in the larger context of the grieving/healing. October 9 would have been our 25th anniversary. Beth's counselor has mentioned that this trip will play a key part in the process, so I will be speaking to him about this in greater detail.

3. Not losing ground. Several months ago (like 2) I was struggling to hold onto the idea that I actually had friends. There were days back then when I would believe it, then other days where the despondency took over and I did not believe it. This is now in the past, I believe. There were also times back then when I was sure I was losing my mind and going over the brink. That too has also largely ceased. Thank God for his mercy in getting me past those juggernauts.

4. The return of joy. Beth suffered from depression for a large part of her life. A large part of that was initiated by a strong sense of abandonment by her parents from infancy. This depression never fully lifted from her life, and having seen it firsthand in our marriage, I can tell you as plain as the nose on my face what some of the classic symptoms include -- loss of interest in things that normally bring joy, change in eating habits, affected sleeping patterns, etc. etc. Those are the ones I recall off the top of my head for Beth. Well, the first one (loss of interest) is where I am now. At the beginning in May, I could not even watch a movie/DVD. Nor listen to music on the radio. Those are now in the past, thank the Lord. But overall, I still struggle with this one -- no interest (or barely any) in stargazing, or in getting focused on a wonderful technical book on compilers or Linux or C#/Java programming, or even mathematics.

Well, that is enough. I know I have asked for prayer from many of you over the past 3 months, and I think this should help you to know how to pray when you do so.

Finally, let me say that none of you can possibly know how much I treasure your friendship and your prayers. Those prayers have kept me from doing things that I would not even care to mention here, for I am reluctant to even think about them to myself.

Blessings,

Elliott

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Hi A,

The simplest analogy is the scriptural image of one-ness in marriage. When God brings two people together as one, they cease to be separate. Their thoughts, emotions, and souls become, over the years so intertwined (ideally) that they almost become a single person in two bodies. But with death, that oneness is ripped wide open and as a result, part of Beth is still in me, and part of me is in Beth and has joined in her death. Yet the part of her that remains with me (in my heart) cannot remain as my wife, but the relationship becomes something that I cannot comprehend. My mother got very upset recently with this saying goodbye language, saying that Beth is not gone but the love remains. But with death there is a genuine loss, because all of those years of shared experiences, talks, hugs, kisses, warm meals, etc. came to an END that day in May. So in some way Beth's (as far as I can relate to her in a way that I understand) life with me came to an end in the past and I have to let it recede into the distance. God's grace is explosive in its power to allow such an impossibility to come about, yet I still mourn and miss those hugs, those caring glances, and yearn to be with her again. Just saying (in a whisper) goodbye sweetheart is so heart-wrenching right now that to do it always brings tears, but I need to do it. But thanks be to God for gifting us with such a love, and for the awareness that this love is eternal, even though we be separated for a space of time. There are simply no words to express my gratitude to the Lord for giving us such a love, and I believe that that awesome awareness is contributing to the strength that he has given me (not my own). Even the blackness gives testimony to his grace, for the deep blackness is a sign-post to the depth of love that he gave us as a gift. If our love had been more superficial or casual, then such blackness would never have come into my life.

Sorry for the rambling. Thanks A for being a friend.

Elliott

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Paul says in 2 Corin 4:16-18:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

In a previous mailing, I mentioned the leaving behind / saying goodbye. And being focused on the loss here in this temporal earthly realm turned that remembrance into sadness. Yet here we have a clear vision of a heavenly kingdom. I have lost Beth in this temporal earthly realm, but in exchange have realized an eternal relationship with her that will never fade but only grows with the years. So I fix my eyes on that intangible eternal relationship and say it is well with my soul

God has been so good.

Cheers,

Elliott

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M,

I know that with Beth the depression never fully left. Even on May 6 she mentioned it and went to lie down that afternoon. But I feel that in his mercy the Lord said it is enough, she has suffered enough and I want her home with me.

I will tell you that this awareness (the verses) did not come all at once. Over the past 14 weeks I have in my weakness succumbed so often to the pain that it became like a garment for me. Yet I share them to let you know that reaching such an awareness is possible. The absolutely horrible prospect of leaving Beth in the past with all of those tangible memories receding into the distance -- the loving hugs, the caring voice, the sympathetic ear, even the shared depressions -- that was and is an abyss that is still there. To stare into that abyss is dreadful. Maybe that is why at one point I felt like I was losing my mind. But the letters that we shared serve now as a signpost of what our relationship is becoming -- all four loves (Affection, Friendship, Charity, Eros) with the Eros removed. So now I look at all these things (letters, places we've been, things we've done) with a more symbolic meaning to look for clues of where the Lord is taking us.

And also, the troubles we experience are not light and momentary by our standard measures. They seem overwhelming. But they are such in comparison to our true home. And I will say that this sense of momentary has come to life for me only since May 7. Since that day, all of life seems so fleeting and short to me. Maybe it's because I think of Beth so much and earthly thoughts are getting crowded out.

I have C.S. Lewis's book weight of glory that I reviewed a week or so ago and it speaks of this heavenly realm. It has helped me a