The Church Is a Mess, But I Can't Leave

By Phenicia Johnson

Being a church girl can be hard at times but going to a church full of drama and betrayal can be even harder. Tarika is a single parent with a good job and she loves the Lord. Although, loving the Lord isn’t as hard as trying to stay celibate, losing a fiancé and dealing with a dead-beat dad. She has two good friends who are willing to help her through the tough times naturally and spiritually, but there are times when following what the Lord says just doesn’t cut it. Tarika is tired of the celibate life and she is tired of the struggle of being a single parent. She thinks she’s willing to risk her morals, but isn’t sure if the risk is worth it. And she can’t go to her Pastor about it or risk having her problems preached back to her the next week. Is she just better off leaving the church and doing her own thing? If the Lord doesn’t intervene, Tarika’s life will endure a shift that will cause her to leave the church, but maybe that’s what she wants. The church is mess, but can Tarika leave?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Oct 9, 2018
• ISBN: 9780359145324

Book preview

The Church Is a Mess, But I Can't Leave

The Church is a Mess, But I Can’t Leave

Phenicia Johnson

Acknowledgements

I acknowledge my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for allowing me to put this book together. I’m thankful for my children, my family and friends for their support. I would also like to thank Tonya Baker, an anointed singer who have allowed me to use her name in my book. And thank you to Jackie Dove-Miller for editing this book.

Going to Church

THE SUN IS BEAMING IN THROUGH THE BLINDS, MAKING shadows on the bed. It doesn’t matter that the alarm clock is set to wake me up.  I’ll just hit the snooze button until I decide to turn it off all together.  I work all week long, and although I enjoy the pay from the overtime, I be feeling it on the weekends. 

Why does church service have to be so early? I ask myself.  I get up early all through the week.  Seriously, I need more than one day of rest.  Well today’s service doesn’t start so early, thank God, but the time it takes to get the kids ready forces me to get up early anyway.  Okay Tarika, the alarm just went off for the third time; it’s time to get up. I get out of the bed and go to the window. 

As I open the curtains, I see that the sun is shining, and it’s very nice outside.  It seems like I was at church all night last night.  Service was good, but the socializing afterward is sometimes longer than the service itself.  Every weekend we go to church.  Every weekend.  I wish sometimes I could go to the Foley’s Red Apple sale, even though I don’t have any money.  I really would love to stop by the park and just walk, have a picnic or anything like that.  It’s just so sunny and beautiful outside.  The birds are chirping; the breeze is blowing through the trees, and the sun is just right. I can all but hear the kids running around; man, that sounds like fun. But we’re having visitors at church today, and I want to be there.

Oh well, I better get the girls up.  I’m just dragging my feet.  I’ve got to get dressed so I can be on time for church.  I know service is going to be off the hook today.  Trying to decide what to wear, I pull a top from my closet, I hate this blouse, I say.

Girls, you better get up and get ready! Where are my shoes?  I love when visitors come to the church, and I hate being unorganized. Candace, I yell, please get my shoes.

Candace, who has come in without my noticing, replies, They right here on the bed, Ma. 

It’s going to be hot in that building, I know.  I’m late.  But when am I ever on time for church? What with fussing with the kids and trying to grab my Bible, find my shoes, which always seem to be missing when it’s time to walk out the door, how can I help it?  But I think I got everything.  Service starts at 11:30 and it’s now 11:34. I guess I will miss Bible class, but if I don’t miss the devotional, then I’m good.

Okay ya’ll, where‘s my purse? I ask the girls, but before they start looking for it, I announce, "Never mind; here it is."  Sometimes I hate carrying this thing, because it doesn’t have the one thing the church wants -- Money.  Do I have everything: my bag, Bible, keys, and shoes? Got’em.

Now we’re thirty minutes late.  Whew, this happens every week.  As I get into the car, I look for that banging CD that I’ll blast all the way to church.  It will be loud, because I’m not ashamed of the gospel.  As soon as I pull onto the highway good, I see that I’m hitting about 80 mph and say aloud, but to myself, "Okay, slow down, girl. You are already late and can’t afford any tickets.  I’m so bad with my timing that it is ridiculous.  Yes, I’m…well, no need to keep counting how late I am; I just am.  There is one bad thing about being late --No parking spaces.  Lord, I hope these heels don’t kill my feet today.  Why didn’t I wear my running shoes?  With all the dancing I do, you would think I would try to find some comfortable heels to wear.  Or at least shoes I can kick off and on.  Well, it’s a done deal now-- because I’m finally at church. 

It’s sad, but sometimes I don’t want to be at church.  Sometimes church is not about the Word we get; it’s just about mess, mess, mess.  No worship, just mess. Okay, let me stop.  The devil is just tryin’ to take my mind away from being here today, and it’s not going to happen.

Girls, listen. Let me tell you something:  When we get in there, don’t go talking to your friends and don’t let me catch you running around the church.  You need to try to get the Holy Ghost. Ya’ll ain’t too young. When God comes back, he’s coming for ya’ll too!  Do ya’ll hear me? I ask, seriously wanting my girls to get saved. 

Yeah, Momma, they reply. 

And if I catch you talking in church, I’m moving you. Do you hear me? I reiterate. 

Yes, Momma. they reply again. 

Then go on to Bible class. I’m so wrong teaching my kids not to talk in service, when I talk all through service sometimes.  If the speaker isn’t any good or says something I don’t like, well, that’s the end of that sermon for me.  I’m in Talk City or tripping out about something.  But most of the time I sit somewhere by myself, trying to get my own praise and worship on.

I know somebody is going to say something about my not being in Bible class.  And with all the running around I do to try to get here on time, I still just sit outside chatting…well gossiping.  Yeah, I need to work on that.  Crazy.  If I’m going to do that, I might as well go to the mall.  I don’t ever have any money, so it wouldn’t do any good to go there either.  Speaking of money, I need to call Child Support. I know I’m not getting anything, but I can’t keep paying my tithes like the church has a lay-a-way plan. Guess I should go ahead and get out of the car.  I sure don’t want to go in there this morning.  I mean I don’t know why I do this to myself every weekend.  Crazy!  Oh, here comes Sasha.

Are you getting out of the car? You know we need to talk. Sasha says. Girl, what’s done happened now? I reply. Here comes the drama, I think.

I don’t know why I become so intrigued by this stuff.  The Bible clearly states we are not to be busy bodies.  But I really want to hear it.

Girl, you know Angie, right?

Um hum. I reply. 

She’s pregnant again. Sasha says giggling. 

Okaaay, she’s married. I respond with confusion. She screams with laughter.

By her best friend’s cousin! My mouth drops, and although I’m laughing with Sasha on the outside, on the inside I’m hurt to hear this.

I say, You know what--see that’s crazy.  You know she testified last week that her husband was her best friend. Sasha can’t contain her laughter.

Girl, you know I know.  See that’s what happens when people only get married for one thing. And we both reply at the same time.

SEX!!

Sasha, that’s horrible. So, what are they gonna do, act like nothing happened?

Girl, I don’t know. She says shaking her head. 

I ask, "Does the Pastor know? I’m sure he does; after all, Jimmy is his son, but I don’t want to hear about it in today’s sermon.  I mean they need counseling, but I need the WORD.  I pray to God that never happens to me.  I’ve been waiting too long to get married for something like that to happen in my marriage." 

Well, Sasha says, I hope folks at church don‘t try to mess in their business today. I mean, at least not getting counseling over the pulpit will keep stuff down in working out their marital situation. 

Sasha, if you and I know, then the whole wide world knows. And I do mean www.everybodyknows.net, dot com, dot org, ESPN, CNN, including the messy people in this church. I do feel sorry for them though, and that’s for real. 

All we can do is pray for them. Sasha says.

You know, I hear people say that all the time.  But seriously, if I had had Angie and her husband in prayer beforehand, this probably wouldn’t have happened.  I mean good gossip is good gossip, but I believe in bad Karma.  Yeah, bad Karma: Reaping what you sow, the whole thing.  But I definitely will be praying for them. 

Because of all this good gossip, I still haven’t made it into the church.  Here comes Angel.  Her name should be called, Hell on Foot.  Hell, first name; On, middle name; and Foot the last, literally.  Because when you see Angel coming, the first thing you want to say is, Oh, hell! You would never guess that we’ve been friends for as long as we have. 

Angel comes over to make her presence known.  Hey Tarika! Are you coming in? 

Why? Is it lunchtime? I reply, implying sarcastically that I will not be attending Bible Class.

Angel chuckles, Funny.  So, did you hear about Angie? I knew if anybody knew about Angie, Angel would. 

Sasha says with her biggest smile, Girl, I just told her. Angel looks at Sasha with a slight frown, disgusted that she didn't get to me first. 

Wow, and they say I talk too much. Angel rolls her eyes at Sasha.

Interrupting before these ladies go at each other, I say under my breath, Sasha, just let it go. 

Sasha looks at me as if to say She better be glad we on church grounds.  But she remains quiet.

Angel and Sasha are my two closest friends.  I’ve known Angel for a very long time.  Ten years to be exact. We were real close at one point in our lives, but her messiness overpowered that.  But we care enough for each other to be there for one another when it is needed.  Then there is Sasha.  The minute we met we clicked.  We have been best friends for three years now.  The value of a good friendship is so important to me.  Being a woman in church, in career, in school-- just period, you have to have the right balance of friends.  If you are my friend, it’s for life. 

Instead of getting into it with Angel, Sasha says, Well, Tarika, I guess I better go inside and get a good seat. Later. 

Later. I tell her, and Sasha walks away. Immediately, Angel begins the gossip all over again.

So, what do you think about what you’ve heard?

I teased, "I thought Sasha was talking about you being pregnant by your husband‘s cousin. I was like--‘Whaaat?’" I say sarcastically.  I don’t know why I’ve stooped to this level of teasing. It’s not even me.  I’m usually direct and to the point. 

Angel says sternly, No, sweetheart. ANGIE not ANGEL, okay?  Their mess is an example of why you shouldn’t worry about getting married.

Now that statement was just crazy, so I respond with a serious attitude. Why, because I might cheat on my husband?

She, in return replies, Just look at them! You can’t find any good marriages now-a-days.  They were a good couple, and see what happened to them? I mean seriously, if you were going to get married, you should have done it in your early twenties.

By now, I’m pissed at the fact that I’m willing to listen to this mess. I should have just gone into church with Sasha. 

Tarika, all I’m saying is that maybe if Angie had had sex before marriage, then she wouldn’t have strayed away to try to find something better after marriage. The same goes for you. You’re sitting here waiting on God to send you your husband and missing out on all the good stuff.  You’re gonna end up wishing you had continued tasting the popsicle instead of deciding to put it in the freezer after you got saved, know what I mean?

At this point, I’m about ready to curse.  There is no way in hell I should be listening to this mess.  Now, I’m out of the car and pissed.  How dare she encourage me to give up on what God has for me because of someone else’s mess up?  Ignorant, dumb…Okay calm down. You chose to listen to this mess, so deal with it, I remind myself.

"Well, Angel, every marriage is different.  Why would I not get married because of someone else’s adultery or anything else for that matter? And let’s get one thing straight. My God is more powerful than my fleshly desires, so don’t ever encourage me to go against God’s will for my life.  But on the real-- Angie’s problem is not an episode of my life, and despite what others may encounter, my God can even fix that.  So, no, I’m not taking the popsicle out of the freezer.  If sex is mine to have, then I will wait until I’m married. And the popsicle will stay frozen until GOD sees fit for me to thaw it out."

Well, Angel says, I guess you told me, huh. Despite the fact that you are all revved up and sanctified, the fact of the matter is, that what Angie is going through is not make believe. It happened - - for real! Besides if you had had sex with Craig when you were engaged, you two would be married right now. And by the way, God is a God who forgives. If you decide to have sex, all you have to do is repent afterward. Girl, don‘t you read?

Although it annoys the hell out of me that she keeps throwing Craig up in my face, she and Sasha played a great part in helping me get over him. 

Angel continues, Enough about that, okay? We might as well go inside and enjoy some of this service. 

I’m through with this.  I can’t believe she‘ll bring up Craig like that and then just cut me off.  You talk about a smack in the face! Words like that can cause fists to fly on church grounds. Disgusted, and on the defense, I say, Why go in, to hear more about Angie and Jimmy in the sermon? I’d rather wait ‘til after lunch.  At least I can be full enough to stomach it.

Tarika, please. Just come on, Angel says as she is walking towards the church doors. Hesitating, I decide to go in.

I should have gone into church in the first place. Angel’s comment about Craig was just going too far; and I might as well forget whatever I needed to get out of service today, because I’m sure today’s topic will be called, God Can Save Your Marriage!  When it should be called, I’m going to talk about Jimmy and Angie Parker. 

I had stayed outside so long that Bible class was over, and people were getting ready for morning service. But I couldn’t quiet all the random thoughts swirling through my head.  Why does church have to be so long? You know, my girls get more church than I do.  Forget about what Angel says; she is wrong. First, there are two sides to every story. The sad part about this Angie story is it may not even be true. And if I got that stirred up over a conversation, I can just imagine how I’m going to feel being in service all day.

I know I need to have a better attitude about going to church, but sometimes people in church annoy me.  Some of them are not walking God’s way.  Some of them are just doing what they want.  You know how they are:  get mad if you don’t clap your hands, when they say clap your hands.  Want you to jump, dance, shout all over the place, but the minute they’re ready to go, they try to tell you your spirit ain’t right because you took too long giving God