Love All

By Roy Bettridge

Ben Hendry is a telly addict. He takes the job very seriously and takes in all manner of programmes for the job. Yet his world is soon to change. A rerun of The Avengers TV series introduces Ben to the beautiful female partners of John Steed. He cannot just love one. He must love them all...

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jan 21, 2020
• ISBN: 9780244252434

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DEAR MUM,

How is the holiday going? Don’t feel as though you have to rush back. I understand the reasons why you left in such a hurry. It’s not easy finding out that your husband of over twenty years and had three children with has been having an affair with the next door neighbour for the last five years. I know how horrific it was for you to find out about everything the way that you did. So don’t worry, Mum. Take as much time as you need to get yourself re-centred.

How is Paris? I never actually understood why you went to that particular place. Everyone i talk to about Paris has had the romantic illusions as we have all had but there is also the feeling that it could all be lies. For all i know you could be having fun in the worst place on Earth. But in all honesty Mum, France isn’t that bad. The school trip to Boulogne was only a few years ago and i had a good time. So if i had a good time then it’s definitely possible that you will have a good time.

Is the place as romantic as they say? Have you managed to forget about the betrayal that Dad brought to our doorstep? Will you be returning home to the UK with a new man in tow? I wouldn’t hold it against you if you did. After everything that you have been through it’s only fair that you look out for yourself. We’re all going through that period of estrangement, disengagement and acceptance. Yes Mum, i know that i’m using big words. School does teach me something, you know. I may be at the start of year ten but i’m also quite educated in spite of my angst.

Yes Mum, i am still a telly addict. I have no idea why you thought that this trip to Paris would cause me to change the habit that i picked up at five years old. Me and my good friend, Telly still sift through endless hours of fun and channel hop through the rubbish and we do it because we have to. We take the world of television very seriously and i feel that as i am the youngest of your children that my efforts should be counted and accepted. I have to point out though, Mum that you are far more lenient with me than you were on Tim and Emily. I remember hearing the stories of how you or Dad used to turn off everything because the two of them were continuing the job well into the early hours of the morning. They were dedicated telly addicts but you chose to believe that they were doing it all just so they could stay up late. I think that you were right. Out of the three of us, i’m the one that is the real telly addict.

No Mum, i have not heard at all from Dad. You know the score better than that. He will always deal with Tim, he will try to deal with Emily and he won’t try to bother with me. He never did. I’m third in line for a reason. I still remember him telling me that i was an accident. He was pissed out of his skull when he said it but when you’re seven you will remember things like that. I’ve never heard anything like that from you, Mum. He was always jealous of how close we were though, wasn’t he?

I haven’t seen her from next door either. I’ll admit that it is quite a tough situation. You find her having it off with Dad and yet she still tries to go about her daily life while living next door to the family she tore apart. Or maybe it was Dad’s fault? I actually believe that it could have been his fault. The arguments that the two of you were having at the time you suspected him of being up to something. You didn’t find out in the most pleasant way but you did find out that your suspicions were right. The only one out of the two of them to apologise was her. All Dad did was drag you down in more arguments and point scoring. Yes Mum, i’m nearly fourteen but i’m not stupid. I do see the world around me and i don’t have big brother or big sister to take me away from the situation and telling me in my ear that everything is going to be okay.

I have forgiven you for taking off suddenly but i wish you had not given house keys to Tim and Emily. I know that they’re my brother and sister but they are very intrusive. I’m surprised that i can go to the toilet without them coming in and wanting to know if all the house chores are done. They don’t live here anymore. Why the hell are they getting at me for the house chores? The house is still here, isn’t it? I haven’t destroyed it in a massive blaze as i try to operate the chip pan. I haven’t had wild parties to satisfy my craving to know what sex education will finally be like. I haven’t loaned out the house to a stranger to find that he’s using it to sell class A drugs. Have some trust in me at least.

Why are they always here anyway? They’ve moved out to their own places and yet they still come here and monopolise the washing machine and anything else that they want to use. What is that about? Tim spends too much time away from his own home anyway and i cannot help that Emily’s boyfriend has had enough of her and wants her out of the house.

I know that i’m moaning, Mum but cut me some slack. I can be trusted to be on my own here. You must believe that yourself otherwise you would not be on holiday now with me all alone in the house.

Just to put your mind at rest, Mum the chores have all been done. The fridge is not overstocked and the hovering has been done. I’ve put the mail where it normally goes so all you have to do when you get back is pick it up and look at it. The bills are put to another side but i’m sure that you’ve took care of those before you left. None of them are in red headings or anything along those lines which is a good thing.

Okay Mum, i’ll let you get back to your holiday. Don’t worry about anything going on here. Just focus on you and take your time in enjoying yourself.

Love you, Mum xxx

DEAR TELEVISION,

Here we go again, my old friend. Back we go onto the roundabout of being a telly addict where we take success with a pitfall and sift through everything that we think is good and compare it to everything that is bad. It is a very harsh world but somebody has to be dedicated enough to do it.

It’s not easy being a telly addict though, is it? There is a lot of hard work involved and that is something that i cannot expect anybody to grasp. I mean, what really does constitute a really good and clever success? What is it that makes a televisions show soar to the highest heights? Surely we, the viewers, have a great say in the practical side of things. The makers and the producers have made it but leave it up to us. We will tell you whether or not you have something that is a major success.

I wonder who made things that way. Who decided that it was the audience rating that would determine whether a programme was good or not. As a telly addict, this is a blessing and a curse. It may provide us with the necessary and thought provoking shows that will keep us hooked but it will also remove shows from the schedules that we think are good enough for another round. We never have a proper say in it though, do we? It’s always the decision of someone in a suit and sat next to a button to determine whether we get to keep the gems and potential classics. As a telly addict, i feel as though it should really be up to the people. Do you think that, Telly? Would you be happier of my other fellow telly addict brethren made your brother and sister sets a part of the action? Would all of you carry that extra button that allows us to communicate with the station we are watching so that we can register our satisfaction over what we are watching? It would be a neat trick if it were to happen and a lot more shows would still be on the air if this event happened.

We have been through a lot together, Telly. You have been there from day one for me. It’s been a really interesting ride, hasn’t it? It has been such a rollercoaster of feelings as i began so earnestly with my viewing and you had to be cautious with what you showed to me. That was a long time ago. Here we are now near the tail end of 1992 and we still find the time to assess not only what has gone before but also what could be around the corner. This is why i always debate why my job as a telly addict is important. We are the ones that will have to go through the unenviable task of watching the shows and discovering what their qualities are. We’re not normally let down in being entertained but we have to go through a lot of things, don’t we? There is always that one avenue that we don’t want to go down and yet we always end up doing so. Yes Telly, i’m talking about the dreaded channel hopping. It is the dark balloon that all telly addicts try to hide.

We do not ask for much as an audience but when it comes to channel hopping we are screaming out. We desperately want that programme to reach out to us and instantly grab our attention and take the pressure off our friend, Remote. But we mainly want it because it takes a lot out of us. We know what we are looking for when we channel hop but we do not want to deal with the disappointment that what we want is not there. Endless minutes spent going from station to station and trying to latch on to that one show that we think will keep us hooked and wanting more. It is a very rare instance that we get that show that we are wanting isn’t it, Telly. A lot of hours go into trying to avoid the dreaded channel hop but it is never an easy path to go down.

So, what is in store for us at the moment? Are we immediately going to burn up the schedules like we normally do? Are we going to pick and choose through the four channels that we are stuck and burdened with because Mum will not invest in Sky? I really don’t understand why she doesn’t though. I bet, Telly that all of your brother and sister models that are entertaining fellow telly addicts like me in every home has that gateway to Sky open fully. They have a vast landscape to choose from when they want to be entertained and more variety to choose from when it comes to avoiding the channel hop. So why my mother won’t invest in getting Sky and making my job a hell of a lot easier is beyond me. It is not a bad thing having Sky television. There are several things that are on there that have been responsible for a lot of happy viewing hours. I would not mind wasting time being stuck inside a repeat circle of shows. Half of the schedule today is made up of repeats anyway. You do get the odd occasion where the schedules are being mixing the old with the new but with Sky you get some channels that are dedicated purely to those repeats. How nice is that, Telly? How fantastic is it that Sky will cater for the type of telly addict that wants to see the same show repeated numerous times because they love it so much. I’m happy knowing that this event occurs because if i ever get to the stage where i am not looking for something new then i will definitely want to be given the opportunity to enjoy a massive season of repeats that are worthy of my time.

Well, let’s get down to business. Let’s see what you will put in front of me, Telly. I’m ready to find out whether today is going to be something to enjoy or something to complain about after just a few minutes.

Thank you, my friend. Here we go....

DEAR TV GUIDE,

Hello, my old chum. What wonderful delights have you got to share with me? Are we going to be revelling in the wonders of what is coming our way in the schedules? Or are we going to be licking our wounds in the sourness that is the horrid state of channel hopping? Will it be a happy event or a dismal affair?

I must admit though i do love your Christmas edition every year. It’s always jam packed with stuff and i’ve seen the preview of it today. I have to give credit where it is due to your workers, my friend. They do take due care and attention when it comes to you. It hasn’t been that long since you had a revamp is it? All those wonderful little intricacies that are put up in big bold letters and put in boxes of big bold colours are always a good thing to capture attention. But you’ve been given a major once over in the main channel section, haven’t you? The slots have got bolder and more colourful. You have blue for BBC 1, pink for BBC 2, yellow for ITV and green for Channel 4.

I like the new method of things. But i will probably end up asking the people that work for you the question of how do they get all of the radio information into such small boxes? It’s unreal that you can cram all of that information into one space. But the thing i have to skip passed is the satellite channels. I know what you’re going to say, TV Guide and i have had it out with Mum until i am blue in the face. There is no way that she will invest in satellite television. I cannot use the wonderful information that you possess until the day that she does. If she changes her mind, you will be one of the first people to know about it. Until then, i have to cause the four main channels page to be nearly faded away as my eyes read the ink off the page.

There are some joys to being the telly addict when it comes to studying your pages, TV Guide. You allow some very wonderful things to happen as i read the articles that you feature. I like that you sometimes highlight a certain star and give a very in depth interview of what is happening in the programme they are giving to me and my fellow addicts. You give my job a little bit of sparkle and it is very much needed at times.

Well, here i am once again. I am her to study your pages and make myself all the wiser for what is happening in the job that is the telly addict. What have we got on offer at this precise moment? Have we got any gems coming out of the woodwork to titillate and keep the senses whet for more the following week?

Oh, i see that Mum will definitely be happy. The omnibuses of Emmerdale, Coronation Street, Eastenders and Brookside are still there to keep her happy. I really cannot fathom everything in world of the soaps, you know. They show the day to day running of things but i cannot understand some of the people that are involved with them. Mum loves them all. I swear that she would make a fantastic telly addict. I hear her talking with her friends about the soap that they have just seen and they go in depth on so many levels that it is unreal. I think i may have to have a serious talk to her about it one day. Me and my siblings all got the telly addict gene from somewhere.

I would say that we got it from Dad but his programmes always fall under the same umbrella. That is not to say that he didn’t have good taste when it came to the shows we would sit down together and watch. He really piqued my interest in things over the years with things like The Professionals, The Sweeney and Minder. He would mix it up with a few things now and again but Grandstand on Saturday afternoons was always a near permanent fixture along with Match of the Day with Des Lynam.

Mum has always had a good eye for shows. I like how she can get me into things but never fails to remind me that it is her that is really enjoying the show and that i am just along for the ride. I can understand her loving for them though. They’re a good mixed bunch; Taggart, Agatha Christie’s Poirot, Take the High Road and A Country Practice to name a few.

As for me, well you know where i stand. I may be nearly fourteen but i have stretched myself wide thanks to the fantastic job of being a telly addict. I’ve followed the path of finishing school and being glued to good old Telly as he delivered me the delights offered by CITV like Count Duckula, Art Attack and Fun House. The evening could then be spent by flicking to Channel 4 to get another episode of Batman with Adam West, The Crystal Maze with Richard O’Brien and the wild and weird show Sticky Moments with Julian Clary. The morning session was filled up in various ways. Mainly with Sesame Street on Channel 4, GMTV on ITV or with any luck there would be Stingray or The Smurfs on BBC 2. I’ve loved the routine offered to me by being a telly addict. It is the best part of my day.

The love of my job has definitely grown over time, as you know TV Guide. You have provided me with so much wonderful information that it has been easy to settle into the shows that are being offered to me.

So, it’s time to see what you can offer to me now. Let’s begin at the start page and see whether tonight is going to be a wonderful case of finding something and sticking to it. Or channel hopping and hoping for serendipity to strike.

Wish me luck, TV Guide...

DEAR MUM,

I don’t blame you for wanting to stay longer in Paris. I’m betting it’s more fun over there than it is over here. There isn’t anything really interesting over here and i know that you’ve taken recent events hard. So you don’t need to explain yourself to me. Just stay there for as long as you want.

Knowing you Mum, you’re soaking up as much of the country as you can. You’re taking in all the sights and making it work for you. You’re allowing it to feed your soul. Or on the other hand you could be just drowning your spirits in the French wine and partying so hard that you’re sleeping for most of the day. Or you have found yourself an attractive Frenchman to take away the pain for a few weeks as you both embark on a whirlwind holiday romance. I know that i’m making it sound very glamorous but i’m not there to see what you are doing. I can only guess as to whether you are having a good time.

As i have said there is not much change over here. I still haven’t heard from Dad and i don’t think Tim or Emily has either. I think that he will continue to skulk away for a little bit longer. I’ve already told you that i don’t think he will try and talk to me. We didn’t exactly have much of a father and son rapport. I always tried to get him interested in the things i do. The only thing that he agreed with was the fact of me being a telly addict. Have of the shows that he would put on for us i liked. I actually do sometimes miss watching the repeat runs of The A Team, The Professionals and Minder. Those were the top three. I never told you this but there were some weekends when we would visit Barry across the street. He had a VCR and would allow Dad to watch recordings of the shows. We would be there for hours because he would mix the tapes up with the episode varieties that he could put on them. They were all recorded in long play so that he could get more onto the tape each time. With all said and done, that is the only memory that i have with Dad that is positive.

Everything else is running ship shape here. There have been no bills coming through the front door and the electric meter is still topped up as usual. I did find an old electric top up card in the meter box but i remember you once telling me that you kept that there for emergencies so i’ve left it alone. I’ve also kept on top of all the house work. I think we need a new hoover though. It lets more dust out rather than working the opposite way. We’re nearly out of furniture polish too. Your cabinet has never looked so shiny. I think i need to stop polishing it for a couple of days. I have been regimented with the house work, like you are when you are here. I didn’t realise just how many supplies you went through.

Yes Mum, the world of the telly addict is still very much in full swing. You haven’t really missed much in your soap opera world. Eastenders has got its usual cases in there that are causing mayhem. I think Cindy Beale is having another affair behind Ian’s back and the Mitchell brothers are still up to no good. I don’t know why everyone feels sorry for Ricky Butcher. Half the problem he brings on himself. Coronation Street is still the same round of intrigue and boredom. Jim McDonald is still a trouble maker, Mike Baldwin is still ticking off both Ken Barlow and Don Brennan but i have to admit that Tracy Barlow is looking really attractive recently. I wish she went to my school. She would definitely make everyone’s head turn. Emmerdale is what it is. I still cannot understand the attraction between Kim Tate and her husband, Frank. The Windsors are still running the post office like a military campaign. The one person i like in the whole thing is Alan Turner. There is just something about him when i see him. The person i think that everyone there needs to be wary of is Eric Pollard. He seems very shady. Brookside is getting a little bit gritty at the minute. It’s all down to that Trevor Jordache. I think that something will happen to him before long. Let’s be honest about it and say that if anybody in the close knew what was happening behind the closed doors of that family then someone would have to do something. I also think that Jimmy Corkhill is acting suspiciously. I can’t put my finger on what though. But i still love that big man that’s in the close, Sinbad. He’s a really likeable guy. I would continue watching it just for him if i am honest.

Yes Mum, i know that i have surprised you with my knowledge of your little soap bubble. But as a telly addict it is my duty to keep up with things. I may not understand you and the soap bubble that you draw yourself into but that doesn’t mean that i do not pay attention. I have to as a part of my job.

Well, the landscape is a little bit blank at the moment. I keep watching out for the things that are regular in the house for us. It’s nearly Christmas so i know that there may be a new episode of Taggart for you. It may not be as good as the one we watched last New Year. I think it was called Violent Delights. I remember that you liked that one immensely. Other than that i’m still looking through to see if any of the old favourites are being joined by a new breed. I’m keeping up with Canned Carrott on BBC 1, the repeats of Steptoe and Son on BBC 2, the repeat cycle hasn’t reached ITV but it does show me things like The Krypton Factor with Gordon Burns and there is nothing but late night documentaries or that odd late night show The Word on Channel 4.

So as i have said, everything here is running very smoothly. Take as much time as you need to over there in France, Mum. The house will still be here when you get back.

Love you.

DEAR TIM AND EMILY,

I want to know what your problem is. Ever since Mum went away on holiday you’ve both been over me like a rash. You’re never out of the house. I’m nearly fourteen for god sake. I can look after myself. The days of you both babysitting me to within an inch of my life are nearly long gone if you would let them go.

I would ask how you both are but you’re always at the house so i never really need to say anything, do i? You both moved out months ago and yet you keep coming back like related boomerangs. You keep using the washing machine when i know for a fact that you’ve got one in your own homes. You keep raiding the fridge and eating things that i like. You keep using the phone even though Mum told me to keep its use to a minimum. What is wrong with you two? Just leave me alone.

I know that i sound ungrateful but i don’t need you both breathing down my neck. I’m enjoying my term break from school, i am enjoying the life of the telly addict and i am keeping up with every chore that is around here. So you cannot report back to Mum that i have not done anything while she has been away.

Tim, i appreciate that you enjoy playing the big brother role. But i’m not in any sort of trouble and it is getting embarrassing that you keep checking my homework diary to see that i’ve done it all. I wasn’t even given any to do over the break so it just makes you look like an idiot for looking. Why the hell do you not go back home? It’s not my fault that you’re lonely because you dumped Leanne again. I don’t know how she puts up with you. You’ve never had a hard man image and yet you have deluded yourself into thinking that you have one. You’re not Eddie Murphy or Bruce Willis. Leanne once told me that she found your soft side and it scared you. That was when you ended things with her for two weeks. Just stick with her. You know that you fancy the pants off of her. You wouldn’t be asking her to move in with you if you didn’t love her. And don’t look so shocked that i know that secret. All i had to do was ask Mum about it. I think that she is hinting at having Leanne as her daughter in-law. So just go back home and sort out the mess that you are making of your love life, please. I am fine here on my own.

Emily, what have you done to Jon that is so terrible now? Please don’t lie to me and say that you haven’t done anything. The only time that you ever come back to this house constantly is when you have had a fight with Jon. You are normally the person that causes it and i know this because i have lived with you. I have grown up with every screaming match with Mum, every screaming match with Dad and you still have the famous Hendry pout when you’re angry and know that you’re in the wrong. So what have you done this time? I know you don’t want to tell me but you are always quizzing me about things that i don’t want to share with you. I may be you’re little brother but the form of torture definitely applies to the other side of the street as well as my own. Fine, don’t tell me. But i have to say, big sister that you’re pouting again.

Will you both just have a little faith and trust in me. I may be the youngest but i swear that, out of the three of us, i am the one that is the most level headed. I’m definitely the most dedicated when it comes to being a telly addict. The two of you left that behind when Mum took away the privilege.

Why should i tell you about how i still have it? Okay, i will tell you seeing as how you both seem to be interested. It is because i negotiate with Mum. The two of you never really allowed Mum to enjoy her shows with you, did you? I always watch the same shows that she does whenever she is around. It should be the core of a telly addict to be familiar with everything that is required on the screen and what has been found in the TV schedules. I take the time to be with Mum when she wants a sounding board for the things that she involves herself in. I have told her many times that she is a telly addict in the making. All she needs is to make the time to do so. But knowing Mum it is a pipe dream that will never happen. That is the reason why i have the TV privilege that the two of you gave up.

No, i have not heard from Dad. Have you? I didn’t think so. Mum keeps asking me the same thing. I think it is because he still has some of his stuff here. I don’t know why Mum has kept it. I do want to sneak into the bedroom and see what she has done to his left over suits and shirts. It won’t be as good as what she did to his CD’s and LP’s. That was an interesting sight as she dragged them to the centre of the street and set fire to them in front of everybody. The worst part was that some of them in there were being borrowed by Dad. He had to pay a heavy price before he could give those albums back to the neighbours.

Look, i appreciate that you are doing the right thing by making sure that i am okay. But it is getting a little bit intrusive. I study hard at school and was looking forward to having some me time. So can the two of you just buzz off for a bit and let me enjoy the time that i have? I don’t ask you both for much, do i?

Thank you. Don’t come back for a couple of days. Just let me enjoy the house to myself for a bit and stop getting me to fold your laundry and bag it up ready for you to take it home. Plus, i can keep the fridge stocked up for when Mum comes back.

Thank you for finally listening to me.

Love you, bro. Love you, sis.

DEAR DAD,

What do you want? It’s been months since you’ve appeared at this house and the last time that you were here was when Mum caught you with your trousers down whilst having sex with the next door neighbour. So, what the hell do you want here? There is nothing left around here for you to ruin. There is nothing here for you to take away and break yet another foundation in what used to be our family home. There is nothing here for you at all. So, for a third time, what the hell do you want?

Please don’t say that you want a conversation with me. You and i have nothing to discuss after what you have done to Mum. I always thought that you and her next door were a little too friendly. I always used to shrug it off because you knew her husband very well. You were almost inseparable some of the time. I wonder how he felt when he found out tha you had been bonking his Mrs for over ten years.

How could you do this to us? Were we that bad? Or was it plain selfishness on your part. Did you get your evil way with Mum and then quickly decided that the sex was going nowhere so you went sniffing like a dog around next door’s porch. I must admit that you kept it hidden very well. I never used to question the times that she would go out on her own and not come back for dseveral hours. And she would always come back before you did. Your claims of being at work on a Saturday were finally blown to kingdom come when i discovered that one. And you did that for ten years? So every time that you were late home and wouldn’t take me to the park like Mum suggested or take Emily shopping or have a word with Tim about his behaviour – all that time you were out getting your end away with her next door. You sly and cunning bastard, Dad.

No i will not apologise for swearing. Everyone else has told you what they think of you. Now it’s my turn. Let’s be honest, Dad i’m the only one of your kids that is giving you the time of day at the moment. Your eldest son wants to put you in a grave, your only daughter wants to cut your balls off and right now i don’t know why i’m still talking to you. I’ve had to watch Mum cry like i have never seen her cry before. I have had to keep things going in this house because of what you have done to tear things apart. I have had to help my siblings cope with the shattered illusion that we all had in our heads about our own home. So, i owe you no apologies of any kind, Dad. You have lied to us all for ten years and you have caused more pain than you can possibly imagine.

Was it worth it? Yes Dad, it is a genuine question. I’m fourteen soon and the world of sex won’t knock at my door for another two years. I want to know if it was worth it. What did it feel like to have all of your decision dictated by your underwear? I want to know what gave you a wandering eye. You used to call Mum the most attractive woman on the planet so where did you decide that the title no longer applied to her? Did we go on holiday and you saw what other women could possess underneath a swimsuit? Did you walk passed a sex shop and finally give into the urge of looking at another naked woman on the poster in the window? Or did you simply ask our next door neighbour outright if she wanted to go to bed with you? You fancied a change and wanted to see how long you could keep the charade up for. You reached the ten year goal, Dad. Well done. You only have to be with her for another ten before you can start shagging around again.

Don’t patronise me and say that i don’t know what i’m talking about. I’m not just a guest in this house. I live here. I’ve been here since i was born and out of your three children, Dad i am the least outspoken but i’m the person that sees everything. I put two and two together years ago. The only thing that happened was that you got careless and got caught. I’m glad you have, you treacherous bugger. The only good thing that you seemed to have done for anyone in those ten years was keep working so that all of our bills were paid. Or was that a pity slide so that Mum didn’t struggle? The kept woman at home would have a hard time so you decided that while you were porking away at next door you could do the right thing by your family at the same time? How noble of you, Dad. How very mature of you to use your brain rather than your balls for five seconds. I bet you feel really, really proud that you made that decision.

I keep coming back to my original question; what do you want? You come here after months of being kicked out, you’ve left Mum a shred of nerves and hurt, the next door neighbour seems to have disappeared but you’re both probably still shagging in one of your secret locations so why the hell have you come back to the home you destroyed.

Oh, it’s because it’s near Christmas. That’s the reason for this out of the blue visit. Why bother? What the hell are you going to do that could make anything right at this particular time? You really think that just because it is Christmas that we are all going to forgive and forget what you have done.

You know something, Dad you really do make me laugh. I hope to God that me and Tim do not turn out like you. I hope that we find someone who meets every desire that we want fulfilled so that we never have to look elsewhere for it. I hope that we do not cause any of the hurt that you have caused us. I hope that we can be men that our mother would be proud of and announce to the world that we are nothing like our father.

Oh, did that hurt you? Has that burst the bubble of pride that you carry around? Have i destroyed the macho image that you think that you possess? God knows what you have, Dad. You may have something that lights up someone’s spirits and gets desperate women into bed with you but you certainly don’t possess a conscience anymore. That went out the window years ago and you never wanted it back.

Again, you patronise me. You think that this outburst is because i’m angry with you. Join the club, Dad. There’s a queue of people that are waiting to get your head. The only difference between me and them is that i am your son. I am one of you three children. I am a product of your constant shagging. How do you think i feel towards you? A few months ago i had a mother and a father. Now, i’ve got a mother and sperm doner. Why are you so surprised that i’m saying all this to you, Dad? You seem confused that i actually have an opinion on what is going on around me.

Anything that has gone wrong around here is down to you. The only reason that you are surprised by my actions is because you have never ever taken the time to really know your children. You just thrust money under our noses and shouted at us when we were late back home. Actually i think that you were only angry because we nearly caught you out a few times. Emily certainly did that a few nights in a row after you claimed that you had been to ‘the pub’ for a swift half that lasted four hours. You didn’t even smell of alcohol so i don’t know how you kept Mum in the dark about your antics with that one. I’m not stupid, Dad. You just never bothered with me. You rarely bothered with anything unless it was going to satisfy you in the greater way. So don’t be surprised by our reactions towards you. You’ve had this coming for years.

That is all i’ve got to say to you. Just get out of this house and go back to your fancy woman. She’s probably wondering where you are anyway. I wonder how many lies you have told her since you got found out. I wonder if there is more than one other woman on the go. The sadder thing would be is if you’ve got another baby on the way. Another poor sod suffering in the world because you can’t control your urges.

I’ve had enough of this conversation, Dad.

Just go away....

DEAR MUM,

Welcome home. I hope the flight wasn’t too much of a hassle for you. You seem to have got home in one piece. Not that you wouldn’t anyway but i just thought that i would point out to you that it is nice to see you fresh, alert and relaxed. It is clear t6hat the break did you good.

So, how are you feeling now that you are back at home? I know that you’ve only just got in the door and the kettle has not even been boiled yet but i want to know if you’re feeling better than when you were last here. It was not the best situation to be involved in, Mum and i know how hard it was for you to find Dad’s treachery the way that you did. I just need to know that you are okay with coming home and returning to life as it is. I will help you as much as i can and you know that Tim and Emily will put their own needs aside if you need them to. You didn’t raise selfish fools for a family.

Yes, i wondered if you would notice. Next door has a for sale sign up. It went up earlier in the week. I’m not sure why but things have happened since you discovered the fact that her and Dad have been shagging each other. The rumour was that she was having difficulty paying every bill under the sun because her husband cut her off without a penny. She has been selling things here, there and everywhere. According to Sue just up the road, she has seen several people going into the house and coming out with random pieces of furniture. The final blow was the sign on the wall. It must’ve happened while i was out because it was a bit of a shock to me.

No Mum, i have no idea what the mail that arrived from your work place was about. I can only guess but i think it was due to the fact that you did not tell them that you were jetting off to Paris for three weeks. I admit that was a bit silly but i hope they go easy on you. They will understand the circumstances but, for your part, you should’ve told them that you planned on going. I know that i didn’t mind it but you still needed to cover all bases with your job. It does pay all of the bills here after all.

There hasn’t been much going on in the neighbourhood since you went on holiday. The Patterson’s are still going strong, the Walker’s are still nice to talk to, the Rainbows are just awesome and the Flemings have been keeping an eye on me while you have been away. I preferred the Flemings to Tim and Emily. Did you ask them to keep popping in and checking up on me? I thought that you didn’t. All they did was keep coming into the house and bossing me around. They kept reminding me to keep the house tidy when it is perfectly clear to you that i have managed to keep on top of every single chore in this house. If you look close enough you will not find a single speck of dust anywhere around. Well, maybe a speck or two because i’m only human.

Don’t worry about the two laundry piles in the kitchen, Mum. They both belong to my brother and sister. They have been keeping me busy for the last few weeks. Honestly, they have their own places yet i had to practically beg them to stop breathing down my neck. They finally got the message because i haven’t seen them for about a week now. No doubt when they find out that you’re back then they will bombard the house again with their overbearing presence.

So, how was Paris? Did you see any of the really good sights that need to be seen in France? Did you taste any of the French wines and get drunk on Champagne? Did you see the Eiffel Tower and try to do that stunt that we once saw in the James Bond film, A View To A Kill? I remember you joking about doing the jump off the tower naked. I hope for the sake of my embarrassment and having to disown you for a couple of weeks that you didn’t go that far. But i would salute your courage if you did it.

It’s good to have you home in time for Christmas, Mum. Please don’t go overboard this year. After everything that has happened just do a dinner for me, you, Tim and Emily. We can grab a pigs testicle from the butchers and pretend that we’re cooking one of Dad’s so that you feel okay through the whole thing. All of us would like to give him the lynching that he deserves but only on your say so.

Okay Mum, i will come clean. I have seen Dad. He came round to try and talk to me but i wasn’t interested. He has barely bothered with me in fourteen years so why he should try now is beyond me. I think he was hoping that he had ruined most of 1992 and wanted its Christmas to be about him healing the rift that he has caused. It’s not likely to happen for a good long while in my book. Right now, i don’t want to know.

Just put it all out of your mind, Mum. It will be good for you to do so. Just sit back, catch up on what you have missed in your soap bubble and consider my offer about becoming a fully fledged telly addict just like me. Honestly, you would be amazing. We could literally have hours of fun together.

I’ll let you unpack and get some rest from the jetlag. You look knackered. I’ll have the kettle ready for you when you wake up.

Sweet dreams, Mum. Love you.

DEAR TELEVISION,

Happy New Year, my friend. That Christmas went very quickly. It was as if 1992 started slowly to be eclipsed completely at the tail end of December. The only difference is that the tree has to stay up until at least the middle of January. What the hell is that about? Not that it matters because even if it was explained to me i don’t think that i would understand it.

Well here it is. We’ve arrived in 1993. I have to be honest i did expect there to be a bit more coverage of the celebration on BBC 2. I don’t know why there wasn’t and it’s the same every single year. We get both BBC 1 and ITV giving out all of the footage that can be given out on the celebrations that occur which is unusual considering that they’re rivals. And then just like turning out a light it’s all over. It’s like Christmas never happened and the whole country gets wasted to see in a New Year. I would love somebody to explain the cycle of these events. They happen every year and yet the one thing that is missing is the factor that BBC 2 does not show any single piece of it.

Anyway Telly, the real question that we should be pondering here is what will the schedules offer to you? What will we be sharing together in this brand new year? What delights and treats am i to be subjected to as you visually feed me soul?

I wonder if all the telly addicts in the world feel the same. I wonder if they all feel as i do when it comes to brand New Year. Do they ponder whether they will be treated fairly in the schedules or will they be given nothing more than damp squibs. That’s the problem being a telly addict. You are constantly relying on others to dictate what is available for you to watch. I would love it if one day i could choose what i wanted to watch at the press of a button. Plan my own visual schedule and satisfy the telly addict within. I think that would be amazing but the first step in that would be to get Sky television. There is no way that Mum is even going to contemplate the discussion.

Maybe all of the schedulers need pointing in the right direction? It’s a thought isn’t it, Telly. There is always someone complaining about the state of the television landscape. Do not get me wrong; i am not sitting here and saying that the telly addicts do not have the right to complain. As a service provider, the channels have to give a decent service but they cannot do that properly unless they here from the devoted watchers of the shows. It is the dedication of the telly addict that has kept Last of the Summer Wine in business for BBC 1 so it goes to show that the voice of the telly addict can be heard. But it is a good point to pick up on. The complainers are keeping Anne Robinson in business on Points of View. But there is a great distance between complaining about the state of the television landscape and actually improving on it. Nobody ever seems to be happy with it.

If i did contact the schedulers i would have no idea to begin. Well, that is not strictly true. As a telly addict i would always have a starting point and in this case it would be that we are at the start of 1993. I think that the repeat seasons have been given the best running mile going. The soaps seem to be attracting a big crowd. Well, my mother is definitely still going on about them so the makers of Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale and Brookside must be doing something right.

But i would have to outline what i would expect from them. I cannot be that selfish. There are the other telly addicts to consider. So i would have to act in an impartial voice so that the vast majority of viewers would be satisfied.

I sound like a politician. I keep seeing John Major on the news as John Suchet or Nicholas Owen inform me about the state of affairs. I feel as though i am telling you about the weights and burdens that follow the telly addict in a democratic society, Telly. I suppose i do have that feeling because it is a New Year and i don’t want to be a disappointed viewer. There is nothing worse than feeling short changed, is there?

Maybe i should get on the soap box with the schedulers. What do you think? Should i put my views across to them? I could try but where would i begin. These are the people that put everything into the time slots, make sure that the watershed rules are obeyed and that the people in front of the screens are satisfied by all your brothers and sisters, Telly. Every make and model of you is put to the test like any other and this happens every single week. How is it going to look if i begin telling them how to go about their daily routine?

It could be a help in that the appetite of the telly addict will shine through and we will have the opportunity to take in something new in the schedules. On the bad side it would seem as though i am a jumped up idiot that thinks they know their job better than they do. It’s a bit of a double edged sword, isn’t it?

If i am being honest with you, Telly i don’t see any harm in it. I am a telly addict and i need to be satisfied in the religious experience that you provide for me. There are certain things in life that have to be done and this is definitely one of them....

DEAR TELEVISION PROGRAMME MAKERS,

My name is Ben Hendry and i am a telly addict. Please do not laugh at me. I am very serious about the job that i do and i feel that you need to understand my point of view. Please pay attention.

I was introduced to the world of television when i was very young. My brother and sister came before me and began the journey that was the life of the telly addict. Personal conflicts involving my parents caused the whole thing to fall about their ears and my brother and sister had to give up the job. As i am the youngest, i have been given the privilege to keep the fire burning on the telly addict candle.

The job that is performed by the telly addict is exactly what it says on the tin. We as viewers will devour our programmes in the same way that we would a meal in a restaurant. We observe the menu of the schedule from our good friend, TV Guide, and we decide which portion we want in order to satisfy our wanting. It is very rare that we are not satisfied. The programmes that we choose give us enough broad scope to be happy and content with what we are seeing.

I have to say that you have very much given us job satisfaction over the years. The many highlights that you have given to me, through the medium of my good friend Telly, has allowed me to have an enriched experience as a telly addict. You have given me the fun of the mornings that have been spent taking in shows such as Stingray or The Smurfs whenever BBC 2 is having a repeat running. ITV has provided their tonic over time with Batman: The Animated Series, The Dreamstone, Chip n’ Dale Rescue Rangers, DuckTales, Count Duckula, Darkwing Duck, Talespin, Danger Mouse, Looney Tunes, Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, Art Attack, Finders Keepers, The Riddlers and the fun involved in watching Tots TV just to sing along to the catchy theme tune is indescribable. Not to forget Channel 4 with Sharkey and George, Sonic The Hedgehog and Earthworm Jim. I realise that these are children’s shows but you have to understand that you have provided me with a service that has stretched back through the years.

The adult programming has also been varied with great success. There has been a wide list of favourites such as; The Upper Hand, Surgical Spirit, Batman with Adam West, Baywatch, Agatha Christie’s Poirot, Hi-de-Hi!, You Rang M’Lord, Taggart, Quincy M.E, Mission Impossible and Hunter from the USA along with Roseanne, Home Improvement, Saved By The Bell, The Cosby Show, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Married....With Children, The A Team, Knight Rider, Airwolf and Diagnosis Murder to name a few. I admit that Saved By The Bell is aimed for a teenage audience but you have to admit that it is a fantastic show by any standard.

The point i am trying to make is that we are now into a new year. It is now 1993 and i want to be sure that you take on board how important it is that we, as telly addicts, need to be fully and completely satisfied. You are hitting the mark with the usual soaps and have added to their lustre with Take The High Road, Neighbours and Home And Away. You have even gone for the middle road with shows such as A Country Practice, All Creatures Great and Small, Highway To Heaven, The Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, Rawhide and Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman. The Adventures of Zorro adds to the action that is peppered with the usual game shows that we have been blessed to observe; Blockbusters with Bob Holness, Going for Gold with Henry Kelly, Fifteen to One with William G Stewart, Wipeout with Paul Daniels, Supermarket Sweep with Dale Winton, The Crystal Maze with Richard O’Brien and Challenge Anneka with Anneka Rice.

You also give us a lot of the factual shows and daily magazines like This Morning with Richard and Judy, Oprah Winfrey, The Time The Place with John Stapleton, Kilroy and the USA equivalent in Jerry Springer.

I can already see that there are some fantastic ones beginning to show up in the schedule as we enter 1993. I may be a teenager but i will appreciate the new addition to the CITV catalogue called Harry’s Mad. It’s unusual to have a talking parrot called Madison causing such mayhem but i could not help myself in watching it. But i seriously want you to listen to what i am asking.

You have done fantastically for me as a telly addict and i want you to keep on going. You provide everyone with what they want but the last thing i want is for everything to go stale and wrong. I do not want to be channel hopping for any longer than two nights in a row because the programming has gone downhill. It would be like climbing a mountain in trying to reclaim my enthusiasm for the job as a telly addict.

Let’s make 1993 stand out as a year where we get the best out of the television experience. I am constantly telling people that the life of the telly addict is a blessing unlike no other. The characters that you are introduced to and the situations you are pulled in to be a part of would not happen or exist in the real world. All you need to do is look at Hyacinth Bucket in Keeping Up Appearances. Do you honestly look at your next door neighbour and tell yourself that you are living next door to the Bucket woman? No, you don’t. But what you do actually do is allow yourself to be drawn in to the world where you can imagine what it would be like to liove next door to the Bucket woman.

I trust you all know what you are doing and i leave my request in your more than capable hands. But please take notice. Do not let the quality