Managing Your Emotions for a Healthier Life

By Mark W. PhD Baker

Have you been hurt by someone and want to learn to trust again? Do you need help with your sadness or anger? Are you looking for relief from shame, anxiety, or fear? Do you desire the true happiness and love that come with emotional healing? Christian psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Mark Baker shows how to handle eight basic human emotions in order to heal from emotional pain--and discover the bright future God has in store for you. Managing Your Emotions for a Healthier Life is the same compassionate advice he shares with his clients, allowing you to reap the benefits of expert counseling from the comfort of your own home.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Nov 17, 2020
• ISBN: 9781493428373

Mark W. PhD Baker

Mark W. Baker, PhD, has been a clinical psychologist for more than 25 years. The author of the bestselling Jesus--The Greatest Therapist Who Ever Lived, Dr. Baker holds advanced degrees in both theology and clinical psychology and is executive director of the La Vie Counseling Centers in Pasadena, California. He is also a frequent speaker on Christian radio and at churches in the Los Angeles area.

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© 2017 by Mark W. Baker

Published by Revell

a division of Baker Publishing Group

PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287

www.revellbooks.com

Spire edition published 2020

Previously published in 2017 under the title Spiritual Wisdom for a Happier Life

Ebook edition created 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4934-2837-3

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations labeled NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. (www.Lockman.org)

The names and details of the people and situations described in this book have been changed or presented in composite form in order to ensure the privacy of the individuals involved.

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright Page

Introduction

Part One: Hurt and Suffering

1. Why God Allows Pain

2. Does Suffering Make You Bitter or Better?

3. Intense Suffering Creates Loneliness

4. Are You a Survivor or a Victim?

5. How to Trust Again

6. Are You Anticipating Disappointment?

7. Why You Hurt the One You Love the Most

8. Why Boundaries Are Hard but Helpful

9. Hurt People Hurt People

10. People Pleasing to Avoid Hurt

11. The Dangers of Denial

12. The Solution to Suffering

13. Is Suffering Abandonment by God?

Part Two: Guilt and Shame

14. The Difference between Guilt and Shame

15. Guilt That Leaves Regrets

16. Guilt without Regrets

17. Humility Is the Opposite of Low Self-Esteem

18. Self-Awareness versus Self-Consciousness

19. True Self-Esteem

20. False Self-Esteem

21. Having Needs Doesn’t Make You Needy

22. Are You Useful or Valuable?

23. The Cure for Guilt

Part Three: Anger

24. What Is Anger?

25. The Angry Defense Mechanism

26. The Anger of Hope: Fighting to Make Things Better

27. Hatred: The Anger of Despair

28. Sometimes Grief Comes Out as Anger

29. When Anger Is Disguised as Flattery

30. Do Some People Have a Reservoir of Rage?

31. Was Jesus Ever Aggressive?

32. Violence: The Destructive Form of Anger

33. Why Everyone Feels Disgust

34. Resentment Is a Problem You Have with Yourself

35. Revenge Is Not Justice

36. Envy: I’m Angry at You Because I Feel Bad about Me

37. Jealousy Isn’t Always Bad

Part Four: Anxiety

38. What Is Anxiety?

39. Why God Created Anxiety

40. Stress Won’t Kill You—But Distress Will!

41. Obsessive-Compulsive Anxiety

42. How Disorder Causes Dissociation

43. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

44. Why Do You Have Panic Attacks?

45. Living Lives of Quiet Desperation

46. Why People Worry

47. The Antidote to Anxiety

Part Five: Sorrow

48. What Does It Mean to Be Sad?

49. Grief: The Sorrow of Saying Good-bye

50. Sadness of the Heart

51. Wrestling with Sad Thoughts

52. Anger Turned Inward

53. Can You Have Faith but Lose Hope?

54. Overcoming the Lie That You’re Worthless

55. Dealing with Loneliness

56. How to Deal with Suicidal Thoughts

57. How Jesus Dealt with Isolation

58. When Sorrow Is Better Than Laughter

59. The Things You Can Learn from Sorrow

Part Six: Fear

60. How to Fear No Evil

61. Why We Fear Vulnerability

62. The Confidence to Face Fear

63. Healthy Fear

64. The Fear of the Lord

65. Fear-Based Relationships

66. Why We Become What We Fear

67. Fear of Death

68. Overcoming Fear of Failure

69. The Fight, Flight, or Freeze Syndrome

Part Seven: Happiness

70. Gratitude: The Key to Happiness

71. Courage Is Not Fearlessness

72. Faith: The Power to Transcend Any Difficulty

73. The Myth of Materialism

74. Beauty Is Fleeting

75. Do You Anticipate Being Happy?

76. It Takes Courage to Be Imperfect

77. Why the Humble Live Happier Lives

78. Why Contentment Is More Important Than Excitement

79. Hope: The Expectation of Happiness

80. Forgiveness: How to Free Yourself from Unhappiness

81. Why Happiness Is Not the Absence of Suffering

Part Eight: Love

82. The Christian Secret

83. Why Love Is More Powerful Than Hate

84. What Does It Mean to Love Your Neighbor?

85. The Love of Money Is the Root of All Kinds of Evil

86. How to Heal Broken Hearts

87. Why God Created Romantic Love

88. The Two Kinds of Sexual Love

89. Earning Approval Isn’t Being Loved

90. How Brotherly Love Can Change Your Life

91. How God’s Love Heals

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Back Ads

Back Cover

Introduction

There are eight main emotions people feel every day all over the world. You know them because you have felt them. God has put down some pretty wise advice in the Bible for how to deal with these emotions, and that advice has been compiled for you in this book.

I spent the past twenty-five years as a psychologist studying what the Bible and modern psychology have to say about every human emotion. In the pages that follow, I will explain from a psychological perspective how healing is possible for our emotional pain today based upon God’s wisdom taken from the Bible, and I will give you many examples of this from the real lives of people I have worked with and known. Some of the illustrations I use will be of everyday emotional experiences that are pretty common, and some will be of more severe psychological conditions, but all of them will be examples or composites of real people dealing with true-life emotional events. If you have ever felt you could use some help in the emotional side of your life, or perhaps have even considered talking to a psychologist, this book will give you a very good idea of how other people have been helped with their emotional struggles, some of which might be just like yours.

First, let me say just a word about emotions. Some scientists use the term emotion to refer to the physiological reaction stored in the right hemisphere of the brain that begins before the ability to think and express ourselves with the left hemisphere is even developed. Then, when we can put these right hemisphere emotions into words, we call them feelings. However, for our purposes in this book, this distinction is not necessary, so I will be using the terms interchangeably. So emotions, or feelings, are a physical reaction we have in our bodies that we give meaning to in our minds. They are an instantaneous way of evaluating what’s happening to us. Scientists have tried to distill human emotions down to a finite list, and while they don’t all agree on what that list is exactly, the eight sections listed in this book are a pretty good example of the eight basic emotions felt by human beings all over the world.

Emotions are not simply bodily sensations, such as hunger, thirst, sleepiness, or physical pain. They are physical reactions that we interpret to help us make meaning out of our lives. Emotions are a combination of something going on in our bodies and minds at the same time. This can be confusing, because we also have moods and general feelings that are vague, and some emotions are complex combinations of several feelings all at the same time. So understanding your emotions is not always easy to do. However, an awareness of the eight emotions I will describe for you will go a long way toward helping you identify and express what you are feeling and give you some handles on how to deal with your life in meaningful ways.

Many psychologists think humans are motivated to do what we do more by emotions than reasoning because the emotional part of the brain is many times faster than the thinking part, and having emotions responded to by caregivers is now known to be critical for the development of the human brain. Emotions are the filters through which we make meaning out of our day-to-day experiences, the markers that cause us to know whether something is significant or not, and the vehicle through which we intimately connect to others. In your most important experiences in life, you will not remember the facts with very much accuracy, but you are not likely to forget what you felt. When it comes to really meaningful things that happen to you, your emotions play a much greater part than your thinking in ways we are only beginning to understand.

This book is divided into eight parts; each part will address a different essential emotion. The first six parts address the painful emotions of hurt, guilt/shame, anger, anxiety, sorrow, and fear. The last two parts address happiness and love. While these last two emotions are about good feelings, the mishandling of them can lead to tremendous hurt for us all.

So how does God heal our hurt feelings? Well, certainly not by taking them away every time we ask him to. The fact that we struggle emotionally as a result of the way the world is made is inescapable. But God’s role in the world did not stop with the act of creating it. He also provided us with tremendous wisdom on how to deal with the emotions that exist in our lives. If you have picked up this book to find some help for important feelings in your life, then I hope you will find God’s soothing presence as a result of reading it.

My graduate degrees in psychology and theology, as well as my advanced training in psychodynamic psychotherapy, led me to the conclusion that good psychology and good theology point us toward health. Decades of psychological research support this conclusion, along with the many people who have shared with me how this has been true for them in very personal ways. We are emotional and spiritual creatures who hurt and love—you can’t have one without the other. Learning how God can heal your emotional hurt will also teach you how God will bring more love and happiness into your life.

1

Why God Allows Pain

When Jesus was on the cross, he uttered the loneliest words ever spoken. Perhaps you were even confused as to why the Son of God himself would cry out in his suffering, My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Theologians have wrestled with this statement over the years, but one thing is certain. This statement is not about a lack of faith. It is a statement about a psychological property of trauma. Extreme trauma makes you feel very alone. If you have ever felt isolated from others or even abandoned by God in your suffering, you are actually not alone. Jesus himself felt this type of pain.

One of the most helpful books written in the last century on the subject of suffering is The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis. He takes a realistic and sympathetic look at the intellectual problems raised by human suffering. Lewis says Christianity creates rather than solves the problem of pain.1 His argument is simple: If God’s goodness is inconsistent with hurting us, then either God is not good or there is no God.2 Other religions that don’t speak of a personal and loving God don’t have this problem. Pain is simply a part of life, and there is no personally loving God to complain to about it. In this way, Christianity creates the problem of pain.

After Lewis wrote The Problem of Pain he met Joy Gresham, a divorced American poet studying in England. He went on to marry her and grew to love her more than any person he had ever known. But as life sometimes goes, she tragically died of cancer, leaving Lewis heartbroken, despondent, and profoundly alone. It was after his own intense suffering that Lewis wrote A Grief Observed,3 his own story of surviving the intense pain of grief and loss. In it he wrote:

Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him . . . and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away.

Lewis’s honesty helps us understand intense suffering. Trauma is alienating and makes us feel that no one understands. If suffering is too great, it can drive a wedge between us and others—even God. This is not a failing or a weakness. It is a property of trauma that you may experience someday. If this happens, you will probably feel afraid and alone. But do not stop there. Because the God of the Bible creates the problem of pain, you may not feel that the Bible offers a good answer as to why pain exists when you feel alone and traumatized, but it does offer some pretty good answers as to how to deal with it when you do. Let me share with you what some of those answers are.

1.  C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain (New York: Macmillan, 1962), 24.

2.  C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (New York: Bantam Books, 1983/1976), 31.

3.  Lewis, A Grief Observed, 4.

2

Does Suffering Make You Bitter or Better?

The wisest people I know have suffered a great deal in life. But at the same time, the most bitter people I know have suffered a great deal in life. What’s the difference? Pain is a powerful force. It is a physical vector that pushes you in a direction. It can push you in the direction of greater maturity and wisdom, or it can push you in the direction of discouragement and alienation. If you want to become a better person, and not a bitter one, then you need to know what it means to persevere toward something good in the midst of your pain.

The fact that you suffer in life does not make you either bitter or better—what you do with your suffering does. Pain is only a force that pushes you. It may push you hard and fast, or it may come slowly and over a long period of time. You can’t choose the kind of suffering you are going to face in life, but you can choose the direction in which it pushes you.

Adam came to therapy because of the stress in his life. He worked long hours at a business consulting firm, and he was overwhelmed by his responsibilities both at work and at home. Adam had dedicated his life to Christ several years before and had hoped to be a pastor serving God in full-time ministry, but this never happened. Now he came to therapy to try to deal with the stress of a demanding job, a difficult home life, and thwarted dreams.

Adam was the youngest of three children and only seven when his parents divorced. His parents didn’t believe in God, didn’t like each other, and didn’t have the time to be interested in him. He became self-sufficient at a young age and decided not to take the path of his older siblings, which led them into drugs and lives of self-destruction. Adam worked hard at school and always took part-time jobs to support himself. He decided early on that being responsible and trying to choose the good was going to serve him better in life. No one in his family seemed to be able to do that, and he didn’t want to end up like any of them.

Adam became a Christian in high school and married a wonderful Christian girl shortly after graduation. Their dream was to become pastors and serve God by ministering to the needy of the world. Soon after they were married, they became pregnant with their first child. It seemed as though their dreams of happiness were finally being realized. But things are not always as they appear.

Sometime after their daughter was born, Adam and his wife learned that she would be seriously mentally handicapped for life. She would never reach mental maturity, never be self-sufficient, and always need constant supervision. They were devastated. Their only child would now be condemned to suffer daily, for life. How could God allow this to happen to two people who only wanted to serve him? Why did such suffering have to fall upon an innocent child?

Because of the special needs of their daughter, Adam had to take a job that could provide for the needs of his family and give up his vision of becoming a minister. He and his wife didn’t like it, but because of their love for their daughter, they accepted this new plan for their lives. As always, Adam worked hard and tried to choose the good.

I just can’t seem to make ends meet, Adam said with frustration.

It’s overwhelming when the needs never end, I replied.

People don’t understand. He went on, I have to fight with the very system that is designed to help us. Going to my brutally demanding job is the easy part of my day, and then I have to come home and deal with the real struggles of my life. I have always had dreams that God wanted me to be a preacher. But I don’t have the luxury of dreams anymore. God’s will for my life is to care for my family today.

Having faith has never been easy. It’s even more difficult when you don’t know what to hope for, I said.

Yeah, Adam said. I guess my idea of God’s will for my life has changed. I don’t think I’ll ever be a pastor. I’m just trying to find the strength to be the man my daughter needs me to be. I read that Saint Francis of Assisi once said, ‘Preach the gospel everywhere, and when necessary, use words.’ I think I understand that now. I’m just trying to be the gospel for my daughter.

Adam struggles with disappointment and frustration daily. Sometimes he doesn’t feel like much of a witness to the good news of the gospel, and he often does not consider his life one that others would be attracted to. But Adam has not allowed the suffering in his life to push him in the same direction taken by everyone else in his family of origin. He could give up, become bitter, and end up like the rest of his family, giving over to a life of drugs and self-pity. Instead, even though he is disappointed and even angry with God at times, Adam still chooses the direction of his life. He gets up daily and points himself in the direction of doing good for his family with the faith that somehow God will give him the strength to persevere. The result? Adam is a better man. Even though he doesn’t feel like it, he’s one of the best men I know.

Suffering is a powerful force in life. You will not be able to avoid it. But you will be able to choose the direction in which it will push you. Will your pain drive you away from others into loneliness and bitterness, or will you choose to point yourself toward deeper relationships with others and the greater good in life to become a better person?

The Bible instructs us to consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. But perseverance is not patience. Patience is receptive and passive. It is good to be able to wait for things you do not have, and the capacity to be patient and hang on until something better comes along will serve you well in life. But for suffering to make you a better person, you must do more than simply patiently endure it; you must have perseverance in it. Like Adam, you must get up daily, suit up for life, and actively choose the good. This is not merely having a positive attitude during your trials; it is doing the hard work of making morally right choices in the midst of your suffering. Then the testing of your faith will produce perseverance. Perseverance is a kind of steadfastness for a greater good beyond your own self-interest that brings joy whenever you face trials of many kinds.

The Bible tells you that God will help you with your suffering. But that does not mean God will necessarily remove suffering from your life. What it does mean is God has given you certain gifts to equip you to deal with the suffering you must face. The capacity for perseverance is one of those gifts from God to help you become a better person, and not a bitter one, in the face of your suffering.

3

Intense Suffering Creates Loneliness

Those who have been traumatized can be in a room full of people but still feel lonely anyway. They can have flashbacks that make them feel stuck back at some earlier point in time, making it difficult to be present in the moment. It is common for them to have the feeling that they no longer know who they are. Traumatic pain can disconnect you from your relationship with everyone, even yourself.1 Don’t feel ashamed if you have ever felt that no one could ever understand or care about the depth of your pain, not even God. Intense suffering creates loneliness.

Paul is a very gifted minister. He is a brilliant preacher, sensitive pastor, and strong leader of his church. He helped thousands of people over many years live better lives and grow closer to God. He was so committed to his ministry that he didn’t marry until later in life. Fortunately, Paul met and fell in love with his soul mate, Alicia. She was beautiful, loved God, and was well liked by everyone. He considered himself to be the most fortunate man in the world. As much as Paul loved to help others, he loved Alicia even more.

Paul and Alicia had several wonderful years together and two beautiful children before tragedy struck. One day Alicia was taken from this world quite suddenly in an automobile accident. Paul was completely devastated. He now felt as much intense pain over the loss of her as he had felt intense love for her. He tried to make sense of this senseless tragedy, but he always came up short.

How could a God I love so much allow such an unloving thing to happen? he cried.

I have no idea, I replied quietly. I was painfully aware that this was not a theological question. Paul had counseled hundreds of people in pain over the years, and what he needed from me was not help with his head. He needed help with his heart.

And I have no idea how I will survive the pain, he mumbled.

I can’t begin to understand how much you must hurt, I replied.

I found out years later that this was actually comforting for Paul. In his moment of greatest suffering, the force of his pain had driven a wedge between him and everyone, even God. He had the profound sense that no one could understand how much he was hurting. Simple platitudes would have insulted him and made him feel even more alone. Paradoxically, the only thing that made him feel understood was my saying to him that I simply couldn’t understand the depth of his pain. That was the closest anyone could come to grasping the severity of his suffering.

Because of his pain, Paul took a sabbatical from his pastorate. It took a while, but he eventually decided to stay in the ministry. Paul returned to the work he loved, but he carries a scar on his heart to this very day. I believe Paul survived this tragedy because even though he felt very alone in his suffering, he did not stay alone. He didn’t want it at first, but he did allow a few others to be with him in his pain. There wasn’t much we could say that was helpful; we were simply there. And our simply being there helped him make it through.

Traumatic suffering is disorienting and isolating. You may have the feeling that no one can understand the depth of your pain, but just because their words feel useless to you doesn’t mean they are. Sometimes simply being there is not just the only thing your friends can do for you when you are in despair, it is actually the best thing.

Perseverance is not the only capacity God has given you to help you come out of intense suffering as a better person. He has also provided you with the capacity for relationships with others even when you feel painfully alone. As in the case of Paul, you may not feel you can do it or you may not even want it, but you can still choose to be with others to help you survive your pain.

The Bible offers you the wisdom that for the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty (NASB). Paul survived his suffering because of the relationships that sustained him through it. Even though he couldn’t feel it at times, someone physically being there for him made a