Nobody's Perfect-Parenting in a World of Change

By Marlene Resnick Simons

When parents welcome their new infants into their families, those babies are totally dependent on their parents for all their needs. The job of parents is to care for and guide that child into becoming a self-regulating, capable, independent young adult. It is not an easy task, even in the best of circumstances. The current challenges in nearly every aspect of family, work, health and community life present additional layers of stress. The purpose of this book is to give parents critical information and provide an introduction to some skills that help parents to be less stressed and make life more joyful for both parents and children. With a better understanding of the early years, as well as some understanding about bumps along the road, parents are more capable and more comfortable in the most important job they will ever have.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Marlene Simons
• Release date: Oct 20, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393325543

Book preview

Endorsements

Marlene Resnick Simons' Nobody's Perfect is a clear, honest, and compelling guide to the most difficult job you will ever have. She writes with deep knowledge of the science of child development, a compassion for children and families, and years of experience navigating each phase of parenting and its unique challenges. Most importantly, her book reminds us to listen to our children and learn from them, and encourages us to approach parenting with curiosity, openness, and love.

- Tamar Kushnir, Ph.D. Associate Professor, Director of the Early Childhood Cognition Laboratory, Co-Director of the Cognitive  Science Program, Cornell University.

Nobody's Perfect is a wonderful resource for parents. Lighthearted in her storytelling of kids' experiences and compassionate in her wisdom  to parents, Marlene offers a compelling and reassuring guide to the struggles and challenges all families face-especially in these trying times."

-Diane Lim, EconomistMom on Twitter and in real life. Named by the Wall Street Journal as one of the top economics blogs. Diane is the former Chief Economist for the Concord Coalition, former Chief Economist for the Pew Charitable Trusts, as well as former Research Director of the Budgeting for National Priorities Project of the Brookings Institution

Additional endorsements available to view at:

www.marlenesimons.com

Dedications

I dedicate this book to the children of the world, without regard to borders or boundaries. They need our love and our care.

I thank our children, grandchildren and their friends for the abundance of gifts, laughter and the deep and meaningful discussions we have had.

I thank the many parents and children with whom I have had the pleasure of working over the span of my career.

I graciously thank my husband, Dr. Cliff Simons, who took incredible care of me at the time of this writing, while I was recovering from a complicated surgery to repair a broken leg, while he was only a few weeks ahead of me in his recovery from an injury. We are relearning how to walk together.

Quotations that Matter

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At the root of evil lies self-hatred, a rage originating in a self-betrayal that begins in childhood, when autonomy is surrendered in exchange for the love of those who wield power over us.

Arno Gruen, The Insanity of Normality-Toward Understanding Human Destructiveness

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Empathy is the basis of morality. 

Arno Gruen, Betrayal of the Self 

Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Preface

Becoming Wise Guides in a World of Change

When I began writing this book, the subtitle, Parenting in a World of Change, certainly was not related to COVID-19. The eruption of this disease has impacted all of our lives in ways only epidemiologists could have imagined. This virus has brought our economy to its knees. It has caused deaths among so many, with the elderly, minorities and low-income individuals hit the hardest. Our health care workers have been left to fend for themselves, while the for-profit system of healthcare requires operations to make a profit for shareholders. Often, the only way to do this is by cutting staffing or reducing needed supplies. Seventy percent of nursing care facilities are based on producing profits for shareholders. This is an unsustainable reality if we want to ensure quality in the care of our most vulnerable seniors.

Approaches to dealing with this challenge have further divided our country. As a nation, we were already divided along political lines. The idea of a safety net for employees left without jobs, families without food, rent or mortgage money and the lack of access to healthcare for so many, has clearly demonstrated the illusion that America has a safety net.

The entire idea of needing a safety net means that, in general, our systems do not adequately address the challenges facing vulnerable families, individuals and small businesses. My wish is that we get through this time of challenge, and as we do, we clearly identify what systems are not working and pledge to ourselves and each other that we will recreate these systems so that they do work. To do that, there must be some agreement on the problems before us.

We see the problems before us through the lens of our beliefs. The problem may appear quite differently if you watch Fox News or if you watch MSNBC. I certainly did not foresee the depth of changes that would be required by so many. I did not foresee the strain of a healthcare system already stressed by the lack of resources for those without the means to pay. Somewhere along the line, we were convinced that what we needed was health insurance, when what we need is healthcare. But that is another discussion altogether.

Why I wrote this book

I did not decide to write a book on parenting because I felt I was an expert, although my years of experience would indicate some level of expertise. I undertook this project because although I had a great deal of experience caring for babies and children of all ages, at the time I became a mother, I was overwhelmed with the sense of protection and responsibility I felt for my son. It was clear to me that I did not have all the answers, particularly since I did not want to parent the way that I was parented. I wanted something different for my children but was not sure that I had the knowledge and skills needed to do the job. I didn’t! I made mistakes, as most parents do. But I didn’t make the same mistakes that my parents made. I made my own.

I was always able to create a quick bond with babies and young children. It is as simple as focused attention. Letting a baby or young child know that you are focused on them is done through eye contact. It is done through talking directly to the baby or child, asking questions in a quiet, intimate voice, smiling and gentle touches. Then, when the baby or child responds, you can imitate their expressions or sounds. This approach has never failed me. I have been able to scoop up screaming babies from anxious mothers too afraid to leave their children with a caregiver for the mothers to attend a parenting group. It took less than fifteen seconds to get the baby’s attention and no more than another fifteen seconds to engage them in communication. Those children were delivered to the caregiver without incident and remained for ninety minutes in a group of babies and young children.

It was not until seven years after the birth of my son, when I became a director of foster care and counseling services, that I began participating in parent education classes and went on to become credentialed as a parent educator. During my work in foster care services, I recruited, trained and supported foster parents and worked with birth parents whose children and teens had been removed by the state or had run away from home. I listened to the stories from the children who were old enough to talk. I listened to the social workers who had removed the children from homes they deemed unsafe. I listened to parents who railed at judges and social workers for removing their children and some who felt so beaten down by poverty, drug addiction, violence, or all three, that they felt hopeless.

My Master’s Degree in Family Studies was primarily the study of anthropology and the long-term evolution of the family that had taken place from early civilizations to current times. This certainly did not provide adequate preparation to do the challenging job in which I found myself. I did have a strong background in child development, which proved to be my anchor in focusing on the best interests of the children in our care.

Explaining to parents whose teens had run away or to parents whose children had been removed from their care, that the current environment placed a great deal of pressure on parents. In part, this was as a result of the rapid changes brought on by industrialization and urbanization. The shift from extended families living on farms to isolated nuclear families, or single-parent families living in an urban environment removed many supports, as well as the common purpose for a family’s work together on a farm. As you can imagine, this approach did not give parents much that they found useful. However, it did provide a context that helped them to feel that it wasn’t all their fault, that they were not alone and that the reality they were living was more complex than they had considered. It was bigger than the individual circumstances in which they found themselves. That information did provide some sense of relief to parents during this tumultuous time in their lives.

The process of parenting education provided such important knowledge and guidance for me as a parent, as well as in my role as a director of foster care and counseling programs that this work became the focus for the next twenty-five years of my life. I certainly did not put in a perfect performance in parenting, so I am careful not to judge parents too harshly. We don’t need perfection, but we do need some understanding of what the job of parenting entails. We need some basic information about how children learn. We need