The Man Who Would Not Be King

By Imrah Baines

Tis the 12th, 13th or 14th century, something like that. King Dave has subjected England to a decade of peace and therefore prosperity. His family and his mates aren't having any of it. There follows some treachery, with a bit of comedy, and a spot of murder; not forgetting all the idiocy and sheer stupidity, which ends in a touch of tragedy.

Follow the farce as the reluctant monarch, against all odds, battles for survival.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Legend Press
• Release date: Jun 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9781789556117

Book preview

Doorman

ACT I

ACT I SCENE I

London. 12th, 13th or possibly even 14th century, something like that - basically, a long time ago – a time when the earth was still flat, like a chapatti.

England has been under the rule of King Dave for a decade, during which he has unfortunately avoided all wars and brought only peace and prosperity to the peasants. The nobles in his court are growing increasingly impatient with his pacifist ways.

In Castle Fantastiche, King Dave is slouched upon his throne with his wife, Queen Matilda, beside him. She is pretty, tall, slender and elegant, as one would expect a queen to be. Dave, on the other hand, is rather short and stout. He sports a bushy beard and has a benevolent face. The couple are auditioning for the post of Court Jester. In front of them a young, scrawny man is juggling with three sandals.

QUEEN MATILDA

Wow, he really is crap. Guards! Behead him!

JUGGLER

Huh?

(The Guards take hold of the young man.)

KING DAVE

Must you have him beheaded? Can we not just expel him from the castle and let him go and ply his trade elsewhere?

QUEEN MATILDA

No, he must die painfully after performing like that. How else will he ever learn? ‘Tis for his own good. Guards! Take him to the tower!

JUGGLER

No, please, I can juggle with cats. ‘Tis most impressive once I set them alight.

KING DAVE

Such cruelty.

JUGGLER

But ‘tis the 12th, 13th or maybe even 14th century, when people do such things.

KING DAVE

Really?

JUGGLER

Naturally.

QUEEN MATILDA

Oh, just get out!

(The guards drag the man from the room.)

KING DAVE

Next!

(An elderly man called Malaksi slowly enters. He has a walking stick and a lengthy beard. He stands in silence.)

QUEEN MATILDA

Well, get on with it! What is thy act?

MALAKSI

I come to speak of the future, Ma’am.

QUEEN MATILDA

Oh, really? Better be good.

MALAKSI

I see great troubles and strife ahead! Confusion and treachery! A turning of the tide! Sorrow and tragedy! And an epiphany for His Majesty!

KING DAVE

That’s great! I love epiphanies!

QUEEN MATILDA

Guards!

MALAKSI

‘Tis true! I can tell thee more. I have seen the future. The Earth, the Earth, Your Majesties, is not as you suspect, for it be round.

KING DAVE

Round? Like my testicles?

MALAKSI

Aye, kind of, but not so hairy. In fact, not hairy at all.

QUEEN MATILDA

There is nothing in the Bible about the Earth being round, you imbecilic moron.

MALAKSI

Nay, ‘tis true! For the sun neither rises nor sets, but the planet in fact rotates in a day. And a whole year does it take for the Earth to make a complete journey around the sun.

QUEEN MATILDA

What mollycoddle! Everyone knows that the Earth is the centre of the universe. And that the universe consists of five, maybe six planets, if that.

MALAKSI

Nay! Tis true! There be many other planets in our solar that also rotate the sun as they are pulled in by its gravity.

KING DAVE

Gravity? What is gravity, pray tell?

MALAKSI

It be a force of nature, invisible to the human eye. In years to come, a man named Newton shall unravel its mysteries when an apple shall fall before him.

KING DAVE

An apple? Does he eat it?

MALAKSI

Pardon?

KING DAVE

The apple; does he eat it?

MALAKSI

Well, I am not sure.

QUEEN MATILDA

Is it a red or green apple, pray tell?

MALAKSI

I do not know.

QUEEN MATILDA

Well, what kind of apple is it? Granny Smith?

KING DAVE

Golden delicious?

QUEEN MATILDA

Braerburn?

MALAKSI

I know not.

QUEEN MATILDA

How about a Shitaku or Mitsu?

MALAKSI

Erm… I know not the brand.

KING DAVE

Could it be a cooking apple?

MALAKSI

Erm… maybe, ‘tis possible.

KING DAVE

Maybe ‘tis a pear?

MALAKSI

No, ‘tis definitely an apple.

QUEEN MATILDA

Does it fall in front of him or to the side? Or even behind him?

MALAKSI

‘Tis not important, Your Majesty.

QUEEN MATILDA

Of course it is important! How else do we know whether you are deceiving us or not?

KING DAVE

If it falls behind him, then how can he see it?

MALAKSI

Then it must fall to his side or before him.

QUEEN MATILDA

But you are not sure, are you?

MALAKSI

Well, no.

KING DAVE

Perhaps the apple strikes him on the head, causing him momentary alarm; though in hindsight I am sure he’d be able to laugh about it. What say you?

MALAKSI

I have forgotten where the apple lands. It did not seem important at the time. There was so much to remember.

QUEEN MATILDA

You must be lying! Fraud! Scoundrel!

MALAKSI

Nay! ‘Tis true!

KING DAVE

Pray tell, what does he do with the apple?

MALAKSI

He observes it.

QUEEN MATILDA

He observes it? Is that it? Even I could do that. What kind of genius man is this you speak of, who observes apples?

KING DAVE

Why does he not eat it? Is it bad? Did it have a worm inside it or something?

MALAKSI

I know not.

QUEEN MATILDA

Perhaps he had just had his lunch and was not hungry.

KING DAVE

Or did he have some sort of aversion to apples?

QUEEN MATILDA

Perhaps the apple was yet to ripen.

MALAKSI

Erm… I really do not know that much about the apple.

QUEEN MATILDA

You do not know much, do you? Methinks you are the lowest of the low – a fraud and a base scoundrel!

MALAKSI

Nay! I speak only in truths!

KING DAVE

What use this gravity? Can you grow it?

QUEEN MATILDA

Perhaps we could eat it?

KING DAVE

What colour is it?

QUEEN MATILDA

Does it look pretty?

KING DAVE

Could I stroke it lovingly and tenderly caress it with great care and affection?

MALAKSI

Nay, it helped to further mankind’s understanding of the universe.

QUEEN MATILDA

Codswallop! You speak untruths!

MALAKSI

Nay, ‘tis true! From this, this great man, Newton, shall create the Law of Universal Gravitation.

KING DAVE

And what if people break this law? How shall they be punished? Shall they be placed in the stocks?

QUEEN MATILDA

Will they be sent to the tower and be tortured? Or shall they be beheaded?

KING DAVE

Perhaps people will throw rotten tomatoes at them or manure.

MALAKSI

Nay! ‘Tis not that kind of law. This be a law of nature.

QUEEN MATILDA

Explain this law.

MALAKSI

Every object in the universe attracts every other object with a force directed along the line of centres for the two objects that is proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the separation of the two objects.

(Brief pause.)

QUEEN MATILDA

He is evidently a bastard!

MALAKSI

Nay! I have parentage!

QUEEN MATILDA

Guards! Castrate him!

MALAKSI

Nay! For it be true that upon other planets, in other galaxies, there live extra-terrestrial, alien beings, some far more advanced and evolved than ourselves.

KING DAVE

Aliens?

MALAKSI

Aye, they abducted me. They prodded and probed my anus. They have knowledge about the nature of the universe, who we are, where we came from and why we are here.

QUEEN MATILDA

I have heard enough! Guards! Take the idiot away and behead him! And do not forget to chop his balls off!

(The guards seize hold of the man.)

MALAKSI

Nay! Wait! I have yet to tell thee about penicillin, energies such as steam, atomic and nuclear energy. And electricity and gas and coal and oil and Michael Jackson and Elvis; and urinals…

QUEEN MATILDA

Begone, you oaf!

MALAKSI

(To King Dave.) Beware, Your Majesty, those who possess a demonic nature and are out to harm thee. They scheme to illegally increase their wealth. While plotting to kill their competitors or enemies, they think themselves powerful and happy, and they, surrounded by their relatives, use sacrifices and charity only to further increase their happiness.

KING DAVE

That is interesting.

(The guards drag the man from the room.)

QUEEN MATILDA

What a fruitcake!

KING DAVE

Must you always behead them?

QUEEN MATILDA

What kind of monarchy would we be if we did not?

KING DAVE

(Sighs.) This business of finding a permanent court jester is proving far more difficult than I anticipated.

QUEEN MATILDA

Indeed. Perhaps I should not have had the last one beheaded. After all, upon reflection and in comparison to some of those we have seen today, he really was not that bad.

KING DAVE

Remind me, why did you have him beheaded?

QUEEN MATILDA

I was bored. Shall I have the Royal physician beheaded?

KING DAVE

No, I quite like him. Let us persevere with the auditions.

QUEEN MATILDA

Next!

(Richard, the middle son of King Dave and Queen Matilda, bursts through the door. He is accompanied by the Duke of Wancaster, the richest and most powerful noble in England. Edward, the youngest son, is with them too.)

RICHARD

Father! We bring tragic news!

KING DAVE

Yes, yes. But what act are you going to do? Please, no more juggling, especially not with sandals or cats – and I care not if you set them alight – it really does not impress.

RICHARD

No, Father. We are not here to audition for the role of Court Jester. I