Dating Kinky

By NookieNotes & Company

Finally, a book about dating online and off that really dives into what it takes to meet other kinky people.

Dating Kinky is a comprehensive guide to finding that special someone who has the compatible kinks that you’re looking for. Regardless of whether you’re new to kink or someone who’s been in the lifestyle for years, bedroom-only or 24/7 lifestyle, kinky, polyamorous, BDSM, leather, or fetish, this guide has something to help in your dating search with practical information, proven tips, and suggestions to find and connect with the RIGHT person or people for love, sex, play, friendship and more.

MsNN (Nookie or NookieNotes to her friends) has combined her experience with tips, ideas and stories from kinksters all across the internet to create a treasury of kinky dating that includes:

— Tips on writing your kinky dating profile
— Composing the perfect first message
— How to turn them down without being a jerk
— Where to find kinksters in your community, online and off
— Having the best kinky first date
— Long distance protocol tips by Taylor J. Mace
— After the date by Rebecca Blanto

• Language: English
• Publisher: NookieNotes & Company
• Release date: Feb 3, 2020
• ISBN: 9780463915202

NookieNotes & Company

I’m Nookie. NookieNotes on most sites. I grew up around kinksters and alternative lifestylers, and I’ve never thought anything else made much sense. I’ve been kinky for as long as I can remember, and have always loved bossing people around. My main fascinations are the mental aspects of D/s, communication, submission, and trust. I have an owned Pet and I am a polyamorous bisexual.I love to write. I write erotica, kinky how-to books, opinion pieces on my blog and on FetLife (under my name, NookieNotes), and on Medium (as Dating Kinky Team). I’ve traveled the U.S. and internationally to teach kinky topics to people all over.I’m the passion behind DatingKinky.com, a dating site made by a kinkster (me!) for kinksters of all genders, relationship statuses, orientations and more, to search for and find each other for amazing connections!https://datingkinky.comI’ve always been curious and adventurous when it comes to sex and luckily, I’ve had a few partners who have been the same, so I’ve explored a lot of sexuality, and I write about it and teach about it whenever I can.And, well, I'm a big fan of amazing people enjoying amazing sex in a variety of ways, which is why I write and share my knowledge of sex, love, and relationships with you... *smiles*

Book preview

It’s There Forever

There Are Rules

Just The Tip…

Offline Tips (Body Language)

Meeting Kinky In The Wild

Where The Wild Things Are…

Getting Stood Up

Dating Kinky

Meeting SomeONE…

What NOT To Do On A First Date

A Few Dating Tips

Casual First Date

More Extravagant First Date

Some Date Ideas

Who Pays?

The Art Of The Fade Away

Online And Long-Distance Relationships

Pitfalls Of Online

The Other Side of Distance

Making Online Work

Protocol Across The Miles

Why Is It So Hard To Find A _____?

Statistics And Charts For The Geek In You

Numbers Game

It's Work

There Are No Magic Formulas

Kinky Relationships Are Like Traditional Relationships…Sorta

D/s — Dominance/submission

Expectations

Communication

Non-Monogamy

Rejection

How To Take Rejection

How To Give Rejection

What If The Message Feels Creepy To You?

If It's Not Fuck Yeah! It Should Be No

Beyond The First Date

Kink Is An Amazing Journey

Lord GrandHIghMuckety-Muck, Or About Titles

You WILL Change

Your Kinky Reputation

Liar, Liar

Frenzy

On F*ckups

Growing As A Kinky Person

The Bottom Line

And, Finally

Don't Forget

About The Author

Other Books by Nookie

Shoutouts!

The Ground Rules

This book is for entertainment purposes only. It’s written for adults who understand the concept of consent and recognize they are responsible for their own actions, behaviors and the consequences thereof.

Any activity involving physical restraint poses some risk of injury. This is also true of any physical punishment. The author and publisher of this book accept no liability for the consequences of your actions.

If you are unsure about any of the practices described in this book (or about anything else, for that matter) seek professional advice from a qualified individual.

And if in doubt... just don’t do it.

This book also contains straight-talking and discusses explicit non-mainstream adult themes to do with sex without shame. If these things offend you, don’t read them and get a refund.

Introduction

I’m assuming you’re reading this book because you, like many of us, want to find someone special.

In fact, since you’re reading this book and not Dating for Dummies or How To Land A Traditionally-Minded Marriage Partner In 30 Days, I assume that you’re looking for that someone extra-special, someone who matches you on intellectual and emotional levels and also has that other alluring quality—kink.

But what is kinky?

After all, what I think is kinky may not be what you think is kinky, right?

I had to really think about that when I decided to write this book, and it was a challenge.

If you go to Google right now and type in define kinky, you’ll get the following two definitions:

involving or given to unusual sexual behavior.

having kinks or twists.

In this book, we’re going with our own definition that combines the two, and throws in a bit more for fun:

Kinky is something greater than the straight and narrow; a flexibility in how you view and navigate the world.

A kinky person is different than your average person, opened up to more possibilities, especially (but not necessarily) in relation to sex.

So, if you think you’re kinky, or outside the norm in what you’re looking for in your mate, well, then, I hope to be of service by sharing with you my insider knowledge and experiences of a lifetime lived in (and out) of kink.

Who Is This Book For?

Well, that’s a good question, because the answer, kinksters looking for other kinksters, is just not quite enough. After all, as we just discussed, kink is a relative term, and what a newbie might need to know is different from the information an experienced kinkster is searching for.

And yet, this book is written for newbies and experienced players alike.

It’s for newbies.

This book is written with newbies in mind because not everyone has years, or even months, of experience, and newbies deserve love, too.

But what makes this book good for newbies to kink?

Well, I’m not going to skimp on information at all. So it’s not that. I’m not going to treat you like a know-nothing.

Instead, I’m going to do what I attempt to do in all of my writings, and speak directly and clearly to an intelligent, adult audience.

I’m also going to explain some of the terminology that might help you understand this lifestyle and connect with people more easily. As I go, I’ll call out words and ideas that may not yet have made their way into your easily-accessible knowledge, and try to introduce them as simply as possible, while making it clear why they are important.

It’s for experienced kinksters.

As I said above, I’m not going to talk down to anyone. You experienced kinksters will probably know enough to skip most of the detailed explanations, and I’ll do my best to set them apart in style so that you can easily skim past them if you choose.

That aside, I will be discussing deeper levels of kink connections, and tips and tricks of getting up profiles, taking photos, and finding people into your kink in greater detail than any other reference I’ve ever seen, because I think that as a kinky community, we need a guide like this.

It’s for kinky people.

Not only am I writing this book but as I write I’m also sharing it with a wide variety of kinky people with various orientations, different levels of experience, and many disparate ideas on how to do kink. I’m looking for feedback and quotes as I go. You’ll benefit from all these different perspectives.

But, wait, who am I?

I’m Nookie. NookieNotes on most sites. I grew up around kinksters and alternative lifestylers, and I’ve never thought anything else made much sense. I’ve been kinky for as long as I can remember, and have always loved bossing people around. My main fascinations are the mental aspects of D/s, communication, submission, and trust. I have an owned Pet and I am a polyamorous bisexual.

I love to write. I write erotica, kinky how-to books and opinion pieces on my blog, on FetLife (under my name, NookieNotes), and on tumblr (as TeamGreed). I’ve also been featured in Kink Weekly several times, with insights into the mental aspects of WIITWD (What It Is That We Do). I’ve traveled the U.S. and internationally to teach kinky topics to people from all over.

I’m the passion behind DatingKinky.com, a dating site made by a kinkster (me!) for kinksters of all genders, relationship statuses, orientations, and more to search for and find each other for amazing connections!

https://datingkinky.com

I’ve worked behind the scenes as a moderator and admin on many adult/kinky sites, including several dating and chat sites, so I have a unique perspective on what works and what doesn’t when making connections in the kink world.

And, well, I'm crazy about connecting kinksters with each other, which is why I’m writing this book and sharing my knowledge of kink with you…

A Bit About Gender, Pronouns & Language

I’ll state right up front that this book is not for everyone.

However, if you’re interested in kink and learning more about what is kinky, what isn’t kinky (Hint: it’s a personal thing), and how the kinky happens in real life for real people, you’ll find most of what I have say relatively tame compared to what you’ll see out there if and when you do jump in.

I like to drop an F-bomb or two, and I speak frankly. I don’t intentionally go for shock value, because when people are shocked, they don’t learn as well, and my main goal is to educate.

That said, there are a few things you need to know as you read on.

On Gender & Pronouns

A kinky person can be any gender.

In this book, I’m talking to you. I don’t know your gender, and I don’t assume it. You are just you to me.

I always do my best to be cognizant of gender-sensitive topics. I will speak from my experience and from my research.

For example, when I say, woman, I mean cis- or trans-women, or any people who identify as a woman primarily or for at least 50% of their daily life.

When I say, man, I mean cis- or trans-men, or any people who identify as a man primarily or for at least 50 percent of their daily life.

When I don’t need to specify gender, I will like use they/them pronouns, because most things I’ll be writing about can apply to kinksters of any gender.

I believe in the range of gender, and I will attempt to address all of my books to speak to all, as inclusively as possible. Take from them what works for you, and leave the rest behind.

On Capitalization And Grammar

Oh, And Capitalization.

On BDSM chat boards and websites, many people make a big deal about capitalizing (or not capitalizing) titles.

For example, Master would be capped, while slave is not.

Dominant or Domme is capped while submissive is not.

Some slaves and submissives go so far as to always use lower-case i when referring to themselves, or not using the I pronoun at all, but avoiding it by referring to themselves in the third person.

Instead of I would like to point out, this might be stated as, he would like to point out, or this boy would like to point out, neither of which will be in use in this book, or any other I write, except as examples.

I think this practice in anyplace outside those established areas is odd at best and confusing at worst. Since I’m attempting to communicate with you and impart information, I simply won’t be doing that. I mean no disrespect to you or your choices—I’m simply exercising my choice to communicate as clearly as possible with the wide range of people who might read this book.

I (mostly) write English correctly, and that means capitalizing I in sentences, capitalizing the first letter, and NOT capitalizing other words in that sentence, just because they are referring to a dominant. Master, dominant and domme are not proper names.

I will capitalize BDSM, D/s and M/s, because they are (in my view) established concepts that have formed with the capitalization as part of the written expression.

Like LOL! For me, it’s just not the same written as lol or Lol. If I’m laughing out loud. It’s in caps.

I’m quirky. I know this about myself. *smiles*

Do What Works

When it comes to any kind of relationship, kinky or otherwise, what works for one couple (or polycule) may not be what works for another, so I’m a big fan of do what works.

Let me say that again:

Do What Works.

That is one of my main mantras in life as well as in my relationships.

Take what works for you from this book, and leave the rest. Or use it to expand your understanding of what works for others.

But don’t think that I’m telling you what to do. I’m just giving you the information to figure all that out for you and your partner(s).

Who Are You?

Every seduction has two elements that you must analyze and understand: first, yourself and what is seductive about you; and second, your target and the actions that will penetrate their defenses and create surrender. The two sides are equally important. If you strategize without paying attention to the parts of your character that draw people to you, you will be seen as a mechanical seducer, slimy and manipulative. If you rely on your seductive personality without paying attention to the other person, you will make terrible mistakes and limit your potential.

— Robert Greene, The Art of Seduction

First, yourself and what is seductive about you, Robert Greene says in the book The Art of Seduction.

Whether kinky or non-, looking for a partner is easier and more effective when we know what qualities we are looking for and the kinds of people we get along with best. For that, we have to look inward and backward, at ourselves and into our past for clues and ideas.

For some of you, this is going to be one of your favorite parts of the book. For others, this sounds like a lot of useless work that simply gets in the way of getting out there and meeting people.

And maybe it is. It’s entirely possible that you already know exactly who you are and what you are looking for. Or you just don’t care.

And that’s cool.

You can skip over to Who Are They? and work on figuring out what you are looking for without any delay.

This chapter is here, though, in case you find that your efforts are going sideways, or you’re not matching as well as you’d like. You can always come back and test out my theory that knowing YOU is the best path to connecting with others.

And you don’t have to do this all at once, either. Maybe choose one exercise and start there, then skip back to this at another time, when you’re feeling ready to try a new look at you.

There is no one right way to get your kink or your dating on.

So, let’s get started!

I’m going to offer some exercises I’ve done over the years that have stuck with me, or that have inspired A-ha! moments for me. Some are fun and easy. A few are a bit more difficult. All have proven insightful for me at different times in my life.

Core Values

Your personal core values are key to relationship success whether you are looking for something casual or long-term marriage prospects, whether you are kinky in that specific relationship or not.

Kink In Your Relationships:

While for many kinksters having kink in every relationship is a must-have, this is not true for all. Some kinky folk have loving, stable, vanilla relationships, and are simply looking for play partners to explore their kinks, or are polyamorous and have multiple partners that fulfill many facets of their personalities.

What values are important to you? Simply identifying your core values gives you a step up in finding the right connections, because you know who you are at your center, and what you’re looking for in your counterpart.

From the list below, pick ten values that you feel are most important to you. If there’s a value that is important to you that you do not see on the list, add it on.

Autonomy

Courage

Excellence

Fulfillment

Innovation

Love

Playfulness

Self-Actualization

Solving Problems

Uniqueness

Beauty

Creativity

Excitement

Fun

Helping

Joy

Mastery

Revolution

Self-Reliance

Growth

Stimulation

Change

Vitality

Caring

Challenges

Dignity

Elegance

Fairness

Freedom

Grace

Balance

Happiness

Honesty

Justice

Learning

Order

Perseverance

Safety

Security

Service

Family

Simplicity

Synergy

Truth

Wisdom

Strength

Optimism

Zest

Realism

Dependability

Reliability

Loyalty

Commitment

Open-Mindedness

Consistency

Efficiency

Innovation

Good Humor

Compassion

Spirit Of Adventure

Motivation

Positivity

Passion

Respect

Fitness

Patriotism

Harmony

Faith

If you could have only one of the ten values you selected, which would you pick? What is the MOST important to you? Mark this value as 1.

From the remaining values, if you could have only one of those, which would it be? Mark that one as 2.

Continue this process to get your top five most critical values.

When a relationship aligns with these core five values (and as many of your top ten as possible), it will flourish more naturally. If a relationship does not align or grows counter to your values, it will at best feel off, and at worst create powerful emotional strife.

Do you embody your own values? How many of your top ten values can you provide to a partner?

Be brutally honest with yourself here. For example, for me adventure and fitness are core values for my relationships. I also know me, and I don’t run. Fitness to me is strength and the ability to hike twenty miles over varied terrain, not looking like a model or a hard body.

Knowing realistically what you offer and what you are looking for will help you tailor your profile and search accordingly.

The Basics

Let’s start with some basics about you. Ask yourself the following questions:

Characteristics: What are my personal characteristics? How would I describe myself to others? How would my friends describe me?

Hobbies & Interests: What do I enjoy doing in my spare time? Which would I like to share with another person, and which are solitary endeavors for me?

Relationships: What does a rewarding relationship look like to you? Do any of these fit you?

"I want to meet someone and be in a romantic-love relationship and live together. We’ll see how our relationship evolves. I don’t have specific plans right now about what happens after we move in together."

"I want to meet someone and fall in a romantic love relationship with frequent companionship but not live together. I like having my own place and don’t want to give it up. We should have similar schedules (ex: being available on weekends) and be able to enjoy occasional vacations together."

"I want to meet someone and be in a romantic-love relationship, live together, and start or blend a family. Marriage is mandatory."

"I want to meet several someones and enjoy companionship with a variety of people, with

Reviews for Dating Kinky

[Trent Boswell · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Anything by NookieNotes is worth reading. You can’t go wrong with her material.