Hot Too Much: Forbidden Heat, #5

By Bella Winters

He entered into my life when I least expected him…

I was so angry. That dirtbag, Zack had been lying to me and I caught him red-handed. I dumped his ass instantly and he never knew what hit him.

It felt good. But then my car decided to die. I was stranded.

That was when Tyler entered my life.

He was hot and sexy, but there was something troubling behind his beautiful blue eyes.

He offered to help.

God knows why, but I let him into my troubled world.

Well, trouble was an understatement.

As a psychologist, I should have known better. But as an artist, I was drawn to him.

I guess I've always had a thing for sexy firefighters.

But, with firefighters everything burns MUCH TOO HOT…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Bella Winters
• Release date: Jan 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393839361

Bella Winters

Bella is a contemporary romance writer who loves to write about strong, gorgeous, Greek God like alpha men who love protecting their sassy and sexy women. Many of her books have been in Amazon TOP 50!

Book preview

Chapter 1

Tyler

I struck the bag with as much force as I could muster, really heaving my entire body weight behind it and giving it the last ounce of my rage that I felt was within me ready to be released. The bag swung backwards violently and collided with the wall, the bottom of the bag slamming into the backdrop and probably driving the miniature cake shop next door nuts. They rarely complained, but we all saw the dirty looks they gave us when we walked past as we left the dojo.

I rested my hands on my hips and took in deep breaths. When that proved ineffective I sat down on the ground and leaned back to try to get as much air into my body as I possibly could. It had been a great workout, a fantastic way to start the morning. But my head was still a bit of a muddled mess. I kept thinking about the date I’d had last night.

It was all still fresh in my mind. The woman, Ginger, was a lovely, sweet, intelligent, and fun woman. We’d had a good time, but at the end of the date when I could feel things moving towards that next step, that anxiety, that ball of anxiety that emerged from its hiding place at the worst possible moment, it came forward and it warned me how bad of an idea this was. I was not ready for this. I’d been fooling myself into believing I was. But no.

I was not over Heather, yet.

Well, to be truthful, I was far over Heather. I’d been over Heather for the last eight months of our marriage. I was not over the trauma of it all. Being married to her had been the most bizarre thing I could ever have imagined. It was almost impossible to describe. She was a narcissistic psychopath. She’d been the most amazing woman I’d ever met when we were dating, and then once we were married, I could see all of that went out the window and she started to run me down any moment she could, she spent money we didn’t have without telling me, she would disappear for days at a time, and she would stalk every move I made with insane jealousy because she trusted no one. She trusted no one because she was so untrustworthy.

Finally, I had enough and I presented her with papers. The divorce was messy and expensive, but at least I was free of her. That had been two years ago. And I still wasn’t ready to put my heart out there again. I was lonely. I wanted romance. I wanted to be with someone, but I also didn’t think it was worth it to risk that sort of pain again. I didn’t need that in my life. I was afraid to trust anyone now.

That was a sweet kick, Alex Smith, my best friend said as he walked over from his own heavy bag workout. Alex and I had been working out together for a few years now. We’d become fast friends since he started working at the same fire station I was. He was a good guy and a loyal friend.

He was also the guy who’d set me up with the date the night before. The girl was his cousin and he hoped we’d hit it off. We did. The guy had great skills as a matchmaker, but I was feeling just too damaged to really invest in anything. It wasn’t fair to Ginger or to anyone else. It was better that I get my head on straight first. It had been two years though, and everyone knew I should have been moving on whether I wanted to or not by now. I just couldn’t seem to let go of it and open myself up again.

Thanks, I said. It was a bit sloppy, but I’ve been here for an hour.

You gonna have energy for the shift later? Alex asked with a smile. We might get some big calls today.

Doubtful. I hope not. I hope everyone has their fire safety hat on today and checks everything before leaving the house. I just want an easy day.

Was my cousin that bad? She wear you out of something? I know she can be a bit of a handful, but I thought you could take it.

I rolled my eyes. You talk that way about your cousin? She is a great woman and we had a lot of fun, but nothing really happened besides dinner.

You didn’t even get a kiss? Dude, weak.

Well, I didn’t even go for it. I wanted to, but I’m still not ready to get back out there. The date was a mistake. I appreciate you trying to help and being concerned, but it’s just not the right time for me, man.

Alex clicked his teeth. Man, that is a shame. You have to get out of this funk. What’s it been? Two years? You need to let that she-devil you married go and get back to the land of the living. This isn’t healthy. You sit alone in your house each night binge watching tv shows.

I laughed. I do not do that. I have a very active life. I do a hell of a lot more than you do.

He crossed his arms and gave me a sarcastic smile. Like what?

I work out here several times a week, I compete in the occasional tournament, I bike ride, I golf, I have a bowling team, and sometimes I jump out of airplanes when I’m feeling extra saucy.

Alex shook his head. Man, that is way too much stuff. That’s even worse. You are filling your calendar with so much crap that you don’t have time to think about how lonely you really are. All the guys see it. I’m not the only one.

I sighed. I do appreciate the concern, but I’m just not ready to date right now. You should focus more on your own love life.

My life is fine, Alex said. By the way, are you coming to the barbecue Saturday?

Yeah, I’ll be there. It sounds like a blast.

It will be. There will be some hot, single ladies there.

I’m sure there will. But again, I’m not ready right now.

What are you so afraid of? Alex’s eyes squinted as if he was really trying to zing me and get a rise out of me. I laughed it off.

Yeah, I’m afraid. That isn’t insulting me. Maybe I’m not afraid. I don’t know. It’s more like... I have an overwhelming feeling of dread about it. I just don’t want to deal with the possibility of going through the same type of thing I did before.

Dude, do you realize the odds of ending up with another psychotic woman like that is? Practically none. And besides, you should be able to read the red flags, the warning signs now.

That’s the thing, I said. There were no warning signs. She was perfectly normal. We had a great thing. But it was all an act to ensnare me in her little psycho world. I don’t want to risk going through that again. I feel almost traumatized from it, but I hate thinking that way. In reality, I just want to be free and have fun being free. I don’t want to get attached to a woman right now.

Alex shrugged. Fine, then just have some random, kinky sex. Safe sex of course, but you should have a shit ton of it.

I laughed. I’m thirty-four; not eighteen. I want something more out of life than just that, I said.

I don’t get you, man. I have eyes. I see chicks hitting on you. I see youj just casually ignoring them. I’m not sure I could do it. Anytime a woman expresses interest in me, I have to be interested back at least a little bit. It doesn’t even matter if I wasn’t attracted to her before. If she shows me some, then she automatically gets bumped up about three notches on the sex-o-meter.

I looked at Alex who was nodding and smiling like he’d just thought of something utterly profound. Why am I friends with you?

I keep you entertained, Alex said. That’s my thing. I’m life of the party wherever I go.

I pointed at him. Bingo. That has to be the only reason. Because you are in fact a terrible human being. I’m embarrassed for you.

Thanks, Alex said pridefully.

That wasn’t a compliment, I laughed.

I know you didn’t intend it to be one, but I took it that way. That just goes to show how little you really know me.

See. I don’t even know you and you’re my best friend. How am I supposed to trust a woman?

You are way overthinking this, chief, Alex said.

I’m not the chief, I reminded him.

Everyone knows it should have been you, Alex replied. That dimwit Caruthers...ugh. What a tool.

Finally, something we can agree on, I said. Three months before, the job for Chief had been up for grabs. Several of us senior officers had applied, but it was given to Kent Caruthers, a guy that had been brought in from another station. That was a bit unusual for us, and everyone universally including me thought that I had the biggest shot at getting that job. But I was passed over. I took it on the chin and I went about my work. It was done. There was nothing to do about it now.

But anyway, Alex said. We are all worried about you. Since the thing with Heather, you have been different. I know you went through hell, but it’s been two years and you really need to move past it. That first step is going to be brutally hard, but not taking it will eventually ruin your life. I’ve seen it happen. Hell, it happened to my brother.

I know you mean well, and I get what you are saying, but in the end it is my life. I have to do what I feel is right. Now, I’ve got to hit the showers and get to work. What time are you coming in today?

Nine, Alex said. Nine to eternity it feels like.

Well, I’ll see you there.

I slapped him a high five and he went back to his heavy bag workout while I headed to the shower. While showering, I kept thinking about what Alex had said. He was completely right about things. I did need to take that first step and move forward, but I just couldn’t right now.

Of course, Heather had moved on. Nothing would ever slow her down. Last I heard she was engaged to some internet tech startup mogul. The guy was supposed to be loaded. Which meant that she would probably be loaded with cash soon after she divorced him, or she would just spend all the money while she was still married to him.

I had to stop thinking about her. I had to get her out of my head and just move away from that period of my life. It was done. It was over with. I had moved on from there. That was it.

I finished the shower, dried off, combed my hair, and got dressed. I was heading out of the gym when I noticed Jamie Felps, one of the personal trainers at the front counter. She was beautiful, with long blonde hair, a winning smile, perfect chest with sweet cleavage she was fond of sporting, and an eye that constantly locked on me when I was entering and exiting the gym. And I’d seen her checking me out a few times when I was hitting the weights. She was also an accomplished martial artist. I was impressed with her skills.

She smiled at me as I walked past. Aren’t even going to stop to say hello?

I paused and turned towards her with a smile on my face. She was fun. No, I said. I’m afraid you might try to get me in trouble. You don’t want me to be late for work, do you?

She smiled. Well, you could always work here. You’d be a great trainer. Help the newbies with their beginner karate forms, and then show them precisely how to develop their muscles with our dedicated weight program. Plus, with that winning smile I’m sure you could sell memberships left and right.

I laughed. She was really buttering me up today. I hated to admit how much I liked it, but it felt good to be wanted. It was hard to turn down attractive women who expressed interest in me, but in the end I still felt like I was doing the right thing.

I appreciate your faith in my abilities, I said. But I’m a firefighter. That’s what I do. It’s all I’m really good at.

Oh, I doubt that is all you are good at...

I felt a blush coming on as I stared into her eyes. You are getting too naughty for your own good. That is borderline harassment. Don’t make me have to tattle on you.

She leaned forward showcasing her perfect cleavage. I did my best to keep my gaze from falling downward, but God that was so tempting.

Oh, I think you should take care of that matter yourself and just teach me a good lesson...

I couldn’t help the smile. Maybe some other time. I have to head to work.

What about tonight? After work? My place at seven, she said.

I could see in her eyes that she was absolutely serious. It was such an enticing offer, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I smiled at her and shook my head. I’m sorry. I’ll have to take a raincheck.

Then I walked out the door. It felt good to have the gym behind me. I’d been a member of the MMA FightLab for a few years now. It was part dojo and part full gym. It was an impressive place and a lot of well known up and coming fighters trained there. But anyone could sign up and train and focus on whatever was most important to them. I hated feeling the least bit uncomfortable in a place I loved so much, but the anxiety I had about even possibly dating someone right now, especially someone who worked there, was too much to deal with.

If I’d gone over to Jamie’s that night, we probably would have had a great time, but then it might have turned into a regular thing, and it would most likely have ended one day. Then things would be awkward from then on for us. I didn’t want that to happen. In my experience, it was a horrible idea to actually date someone that you work with or that you see in everyday life. It was two worlds that never should have been mixed together. Dating life was separate from everything else. I saw people all the time engaging in romantic relationships with people they worked with and saw every day, or they are all dating their friends and friends of friends... it never made any sense to me. When that relationship ends, doesn’t it screw up the whole other dynamic?

I liked to keep those things separate. It was my way of compartmentalizing things. It was the way I was trying to heal myself. That was what the therapist I’d seen shortly after the divorce had told me. I spent just one session with this guy and I could tell right away that I never wanted to go back. He kept asking me to tell him what was wrong and then kept trying to get me to figure out how to solve it. I thought that was why I was paying him? It was a crock, all of it.

I would deal with all of this by myself. Time heals all wounds. That was the saying, and it was one I happened to believe in. I’d come a long way as far as I could tell since then and I was well on my way to a full recovery.

At least that was what I kept telling myself. Maybe I was just delusional, deluding myself, just really telling my own mind what it wanted to hear so that I didn’t have to think about it anymore. It was my own thinly veiled attempt at redirection. It wasn’t working anymore, though. I knew that. I could feel it burning inside of me, this want to be better, this fantasy of a day when all of the pains of my bitter marriage and harsh divorce, and the early childhood traumas I’d endured, when all of it would just go away and I would finally have that clean slate. I would be pure. I would be finally golden.

But that seemed to be less likely to happen now. If anything I was sliding backwards. The pain of the past was really starting to get to me now. When I closed my eyes, I kept reliving it. I dreamt about it, waking up in cold sweats several nights a week unable to get back to sleep. I would usually resolve this one of two ways. Either I’d hit the bottle until I was drowsy enough to sleep, or I would go for a jog. I’d been trying to choose the latter recently. Too much of the bottle was making things worse. It was a temporary band aid on the wound, but when the band aid fell off and the booze stopped working, the wound was even more severe now. So, I needed a bigger band aid.

And that was a slippery slope I did not want to come to.

I got in my car and drove the three miles to work. When I got there, I tried to put the best smile on my face as I could, remind myself that I loved fighting fires and helping people, but never forgetting how fire had once taken everything from me.

And one day it would probably take me, too.

Chapter 2

Tracy

I just don’t know what to do...

I listened as Marty Baumgartener, a forty-five year old man laid on the couch in my office, and finished pouring his heart out to me. I’d been seeing Marty for the past six weeks. He suffered from clinical depression and crippling anxiety. He was also prone to violent outbursts and he was on the verge of losing his job as a customer service representative. He lived alone. He had few friends. And a high stress job that he hated.

First things first, I said to him. When you are there at work and you feel the anxiety. How does it start?

He sighed and took a deep breath. It feels like this ball of worry in my stomach. And the customer is yelling at me. They are getting angrier and cockier as I shrink back, because I’ve been told time and time again to do that. The customer is always right. The customer is always right. Bullshit! The customer is usually a fucking asshole!

He was getting very worked up again. I reached over and touched his hand. He looked over at me and I smiled at him. He started to calm down again and returned the smile. He took a few more breaths and squeezed the large stress ball in his hand.

Ok, I said calmly. Now, try again. Just remember that you are not really there. You are in my office and you are safe.

Alright, he said. The anxiety builds and I try to keep it small. I try to push it away. I just do my best to pretend it isn’t there, but it keeps getting bigger.

I’ll stop you there, I said. You can’t fix a problem by pretending that the feeling isn’t there. You need to feel the feeling, you have to embrace it as a real, organic part of yourself, and then you have to process it. If you are feeling anxious, then let yourself get anxious. If you feel that anxiety moving over towards anger, then that is fine, too. These are feelings. They don’t require action to exist. They don’t require action to go away either. You just have to experience them.

But it feels like I’m going to go crazy, he protested. Say, some customer is screaming at me on the phone about a technician who was supposed to be out to fix their stupid internet three hours ago. This guy got stuck on some other job, or an outage issue in another area and isn’t going to make it today. All the other techs are booked solid. I can’t help this guy right now. No one  can really, so he is pissed and is going to take it out on me calling me every single name in the book. I’m supposed to sit there and take it and apologize repeatedly while he curses me out. How can anyone stand to do that without retaliating?

How did it feel last week? I asked. When you yelled back at the customer and was given a final warning by your supervisor?

Marty had cursed out two separate customers in the past month and with the last one he’d stood up and thrown his keyboard down on his desk smashing it. I couldn’t believe he wasn’t fired for that right then, but his supervisor seemed to take pity on him and give him one more chance. That was when he had started coming for therapy to see me, as a condition of remaining employed. So many people waited until their issues reached that level before coming to get help, thus is the stigma of mental illness in our country.

It felt good, Marty said. Honestly, it felt so damn good to just scream at that bitch who was cursing me out on the phone. It felt like I’d finally fought back against a bully. I’d finally stood up to them.

Are you actively seeking employment elsewhere? I asked. We spoke about that briefly last time.

He shook his head and squeezed the stressball with both hands now. No. I’m afraid. I don’t have that many other skills. I don’t even know where I’d go. Customer service is all I’ve ever really done. And now it’s just so hard since I started having that anxiety.

Would you say your anxiety increased after that first outburst?

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Well, have you thought that it increased because your mind realized what an effective release it was the last time you blew up at a customer and it feels you in that same pain again, so it is pushing hard to get you to release that pent up anger?

He looked at me and then down at his shoes. One foot tapped against the other one. I don’t know. I guess that could be. But, I can’t scream at customers that way.

What I’m saying is, that maybe this isn’t the job for you. Not everyone is cut out for it. And I think you are selling yourself way short to say that you don’t have any other skills or other jobs you would be better suited for. What are your hobbies? Your passions? We haven’t really touched much on that.

You think all of the anxiety is job related? Marty asked.

Well, you haven’t mentioned having the anxiety in other areas of your life, so possible. Now, what do you feel about that?

You know... the anxiety is ten times worse at work. The depression seems to be worse when I’m not at work, like this constant ebb and flow of misery moving through my mind. What is that? Marty grabbed his bottle of water and took a long swig.

Well, that sounds like the flip side of the same coin, I said. "You are anxious at work because that is where a