The Essence of Being Human: A Repository of Human Relations Enlightenment

By Roland LaHaye

The content of this book takes the reader on an extensive journey regarding what it means to be human. The universal perspective offered is intended to set aside our tendency to place the greatest emphasis on one's individuality rather than our extensive similarities. We are in fact "brothers" and to the degree that we understand ourselves, we understand everyone else. There are no exceptions!

The essence of being human never changes and what humans strive for today in terms of their sense of worth has always remained a part of their nature. This book sets out what this entails and does so in a way that is easily comprehensible, enlightening and controversial at times. Readers are challenged to see things in a different way and to take what is offered as their own personal insights.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Dec 31, 2019
• ISBN: 9780228822882

Roland LaHaye

Roland LaHaye is an award winning criminology professor who touts his people involvement as his greatest achievement. He has experience working in prisons, community residential centres, probation, after-care services and children's institutions. He owned and operated a group home for troubled youth and has served as a board member and President with several criminal justice associations in Canada. His love of sports afforded him the opportunity to coach girl's softball for 15 years and reap the benefits of watching their incredible success both on and off the diamond. He is a "people person" first and believes in the merits of each human being.

Book preview

The Essence of Being Human

A Repository of Human Relations Enlightenment

Roland J. LaHaye

The Essence of Being Human

Copyright © 2020 by Roland J. LaHaye

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Tellwell Talent

www.tellwell.ca

ISBN

978-0-22882-287-5 (Hardcover)

978-0-22882-286-8 (Paperback)

978-0-22882-288-2 (eBook)

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - The Foundations of Human Existence

Chapter 2 - Basic Human Needs

2.1 Physical Needs

2.2 Mental/Intellectual Needs

2.3 Spiritual Needs

2.4 Emotional Needs

Chapter 3 - Exploring the Dynamics of Unfulfilled Needs

Chapter 4 - ANGER

Chapter 5 - The Development of Positive Relationships

5.1 Stages in Positive Relationships

5.2 Categories of Positive Relationships

5.3 Impassé – A Positive Relationship Reality/Happening

Chapter 6 - The Development of Negative Relationships

6.1 Stages in Negative Relationships

Chapter 7 - Self-Concept, Identity, and Our Enduring Legacy

Chapter 8 - The Leftovers

Acknowledgments

The Essence of Being Human provides a universal perspective on what it means to be human. The material has been drawn from class presentations in human relations at Mount Royal University (MRU) in Calgary, Alberta, and spans some fifty years of input from the participating students. The topical areas are familiar to most social science readers but are presented in a way that is stimulating, complementary and additive in terms of ideas. Some areas covered create controversy and readers should be prepared for a change in the way they look at the elements and composition of human beings.

I would like to start by thanking the students in the criminology program at MRU who had the fortune of being a part of this most amazing class and for the contributions they made in refining the ideas discussed. Special thanks to my wife Judy who contributed her support to the development and writing of this book by being my sounding board and content reviewer. Also, to my daughters Andra and Kyla for the real life examples they unknowingly contributed to the writing of this book. They are indeed a treasure to behold and I will always be indebted to them for the challenges in my life that I was forced to resolve. Thank you, girls!

A special thanks goes to Jim Zunti for his most appreciative work in helping design the book diagrams, adding a professional touch to our editing tasks, and providing quality suggestions regarding every facet of this production. He is a talented and valuable friend.

Acknowledgement also goes to the four amigos as they were known on campus; namely Richard (Dick) Wallace, Grant Spiro, Lyle Howarth and Frank Anderson. These four were an amazing combination of teachers, mentors and lifelong friends. All worked in the federal justice system and were the originators of the material contained in this book. They were troublesome at times, challenging at others but never lost faith in the goodness of mankind. They demanded that all their students treat the less fortunate with the respect and dignity they deserved, even if their conduct in the community was less than stellar at times. They were our heroes and we feared them at times but always wanted more from them in terms of their knowledge and guidance. They were fantastic role models to emulate and many of us had to remind ourselves of the need to be me for fear of losing a part of our own identity and wanting to be just like them.

Foreword

I have principles unless there are consequences

This book was written with two basic goals in mind: to capture the content of a very special class taught at Mount Royal University in Calgary, Alberta, and to present a universal picture of what it means to be human. Both goals were important because without this effort, the content of this special class would have been lost forever (like burning down a prized library) and the essence of being human left fragmented by a steady stream of supposed new discoveries. There are no new discoveries that relate to being human and what has been detailed and simplified in this book has always been so. All that has changed is the way our current day humans display the elements of their universal character. In this book, we offer a survival kit of sorts that can be easily used to understand one’s self and by extension, all other human beings.

The concepts presented are simplistic, yet dynamic and insight evolves as the participants begin to put together an integrated package of understanding human beings. The content is rich in philosophical perceptions and principles of operation that are intended to promote an ethical manner of dealing with others, both professionally and personally.

The first part of the book starts off by exploring the foundations for human existence. They are the elements that cause us to gain satisfaction with our living practices and those that humans search to gain answers to as they grow and mature. They are the crux of what humans rely on to blossom and add meaning to their lives.

The chapter on basic human needs is extensive and takes the reader on a journey through the physical, mental/intellectual, spiritual, and emotional needs that define a human being’s existence. The material is rich in supporting examples and contains a litany of principles that the reader can toy with as they work to assimilate the ideas therein. Inherent in all that is offered is the proposition that humans can die in more than one way and demands that this facet be understood and respected if we truly want to understand ourselves and others. The author encourages readers to hang in there as they work their way through the prolonged pages of this chapter. It is long, comprehensive and very insightful! The information provided can be used by all those working in the social science fields and in our homes where positive relationship building is a prerequisite to growth and development.

The four primary areas of human needs are further refined by a look at how a human would appear if those needs were being adequately fulfilled and what they would look like if they were not. The formula for correction is easy to discern; identify the need that is lacking in fulfillment and do something to change that happening. This requires genuine caring, creativity and the joy of watching someone reclaim their rightful life sustenance.

The content regarding the dynamics associated with anger in human beings is simplistic, enlightening and controversial. It offers new insights into the cause of anger and the means to confront and manage its negative effects. The control that human beings strive towards in their world is not always available to them and they must learn to recognize when this is the reality and accept what they cannot change.

The material related to the development of positive and negative relationships is one of the most extensive offered anywhere. It takes the reader on a step-by-step journey and illustrates the significance of each step as the relationship moves toward its optimum end. Plentiful examples aid the reader in understanding the growth and degeneration of a relationship, and they're tinged with a sprinkling of humour. As the ideas are put forth, the reader becomes increasingly caught up in the flow of the relationship patterns and the realism that is the hallmark of this most intriguing inquiry. Many of us have been down the paths described in this material and as a result, can easily relate to the authenticity and realism of its colourful descriptions.

The final part of the book takes a refreshing look at the development of a self-concept, identity, and the subsequent legacy that all human beings evolve and end up being stuck with. A purposeful focus on the concept of feeling wanted permeates the ideas offered. This most cherished element of a human being’s makeup has great impact on the developing personality. Humans go to great lengths to feel wanted. Those that fail are left with a vacuum in their soul that can lead to hurtful forms of retaliation, as to feel unwanted is akin to being left alone and outside the connective circle that defines a normal, healthy human being.

The author closes this offering by presenting three topic areas that really do not fit anywhere else. They are significant enough to add as Leftovers and intriguing enough to be entertaining. I have little doubt that, once read, the reader will be unable to forget the challenges offered in these topical areas. It’s a fitting finish for those wanting to better understand themselves and the world we live in.

A final comment is worthy regarding the work that has gone into the compilation of this material. It is the author’s one and only book offering and he begs for mercy in the areas of organization, descriptive dialogue, and calculated repetition. The level of terminology is simplistic but reflective of a desire to communicate to the masses in a way they appreciate. In all of this, nothing has been more permanently impactful on this writer and the students that were subject to the content found herein. It has served as our survival kit in both our personal and professional relationships and is offered here with a heartfelt desire to do the same for all our new readers. Good luck and best wishes along the journey of life.

Chapter 1

The Foundations of Human Existence

"Setting the scene of important

human elements"

There is little to speculate upon regarding the essence of a human being’s existence. We come into this world with varying potential and deficits — and very little else. What happens beyond this is a crapshoot that depends upon what we have inherited genetically and what we will encounter as plausible developers of that potential. In all of this we are fortunate, as a human being is filled with a multitude of sources that, if uncovered, will develop that potential.

That being said, there are several elements that encapsulate the make-up of all human beings. These elements are universal, transcend ethnic and cultural diversities, and form the foundations for understanding the nature of what it means to be human.

Importance, Worth, Value, Significance

There is nothing more essential to a human being than a feeling of worth and value. It’s the very fuel that drives our actions and draws us toward others. It empowers humans of all ages and forms the foundation for a nurturing relationship.

The importance of this aspect varies with each human being but never ceases to exist. We see this in infants who instantly respond to the recognition they receive from almost anyone and in the way they react when recognition is withheld. The innocence of the child allows them to smile, glow and show off, and they will often continue to please way beyond what’s necessary. Adults respond in a similar fashion but will also take this element and use it in a reciprocal manner with those they care about and/or when they feel it will serve their interests. Thus, the more we learn to respect this human striving and work to fulfill the importance of others, the greater the chance for a strong and successful relationship. Simply stated, it is difficult disliking someone who goes out of their way to make you feel special.

Every human being wants to feel the power of importance, value, worth, and significance. It’s the catalyst that energises effort and a desire to perform. We can help others feel this way by:

•Learning to concentrate on one person at a time — to give that person your undivided attention.

•Working to remember their name. How important do you feel after working at a place for some time and the boss still can’t remember your name? Contrast that with the skill displayed by former prime minister John Diefenbaker who established a reputation of being able to walk down the streets of many small towns across Canada and address people by their first name. People were heard to exclaim, "Oh my God! He remembered me!"

•Keeping appointments or at least working to notify the person when an appointment needs to be cancelled. Again, how important do you feel when the person forgot you were coming?

•Asking for the person’s input, ideas, advice, etc.

•Being a good listener. Nothing can be more frustrating than knowing the other person didn’t even have five minutes to listen to what you had to say.

•Not allowing others to interrupt when you are speaking with someone.

•Giving others recognition for their accomplishments.

•Showing a genuine interest in what another person is doing. Asking others about their life investments demonstrates respect and a sense of significance.

•Respecting another’s space. This includes their physical boundaries, what they believe, their gender, culture, and everything that makes them unique.

Thus, the applause of the audience, recognition for one’s accomplishments, and just plain old emotional support when needed are the stimulants we crave.

On the flipside of this process are those that are starving for these elements. We see this in their sense of disappointment, frustration, and sadness when what they have accomplished and/or attempted remains unrecognized and meaningless. It’s the very factor that destroys relationships among partners, friends, colleagues, and families. It also causes humans to seek alternative sources to have this element fulfilled. The prospects for an affair, turning to undesirable people, drowning one’s starvation in drugs, and mental stress are the reality for many and it is so easy to prevent.

As an addendum to the above discussion one should ask if it is possible to make ourselves feel worth, importance, value, and significance. The answer is, generally not. Many try by bragging about themselves, showing off and working hard to be the centre of attention — all to the detriment of those they are trying to impress. These are generally turn offs and apart from children, are not well received by others. Thus, the secret is to submerge our desire to feel important and concentrate on the other person’s sense of value, worth, importance. This leads to a law of human behaviour that is paramount in the development of positive relationships; namely that "Respect tends to breed respect" (Wallace, 1980). If we respect another person’s desire to feel that they have value, worth, and importance (as we do), and work to facilitate this outcome, they will usually respect and facilitate ours.

On the flipside of this is another law of human behaviour that suggests "Hostility tends to breed hostility (Wallace, 1980). This outcome is often based on a violation of the above respect principle and may be displayed in an open and aggressive manner or be passive and subtle in nature. Thus, we may encounter yelling, physical threats and/or outright physical aggression. Passive hostility comes to us in the form of being purposefully ignored, given the silent treatment, and/or suffering jokes at our expense. In terms of the latter, Beware of the words of a babe (small child) and a joker. They generally mean what they say" (Anderson, 1970). Thus, we should listen to what a child says because they have not yet learned how to disguise what they want to say so they just tell the truth — and that can hurt at times.

A student once told me a story about buying a pair of slacks, taking them home and ironing them. In the process, she burnt a tiny hole in the pant leg and decided to return the slacks on the pretense that they were sold that way. Unfortunately, she brought her three-year-old daughter along and when she told the store clerk the little white lie, her daughter piped up and said, "No mummy! You burnt the hole in the pants on the ironing board." Surprisingly, the store clerk went along with the explanation, exchanged the pants and wished the mother good luck. Some days just turn out fine!

The joker, on the other hand, is skilled at disguising comments but generally means what they say as well, and it’s amazing how we quickly set aside what contains outright elements of hostility because of the joke format. They may actually be ripping us apart in open warfare, but we sit back and laugh with them — about us. When cornered and challenged, they always have an out. It comes in the form of a defense when they reply, "Come on! I was just joking," and it works.

Another example of passive hostility is the use of sympathy. In these situations, we feel sorry for someone because of what’s happened in their life. Tell me, what’s wrong with this scenario and how could this be construed as hostile? Many argue that there's nothing wrong, while others recoil at the thought of someone feeling sorry for them. This may be where the hostility originates, as it implies being in a position that’s lesser than others. Question: Under what circumstances would you want someone feeling sorry for you? Why not? Therein lies the answer as a healthy human being feels a sense of degradation when this occurs, and they generally do not want or need that feeling. What they need is empathy, a demonstrated understanding of what they are currently dealing with, and an offer of support when required. Beyond this, there is little else that serves any useful purpose.

Since hostility tends to breed hostility, one of the last things we want to do is react to hostility by becoming hostile ourselves. This just adds fuel to the fire and the mature and professional person works to remain calm and staying focused on the issue(s) at hand. This aspect is not always easy as there are numerous situations where we may encounter a barrage of challenging, insulting, and demeaning comments from others – just to test our mettle and our urge to strike back. Stand back and allow the person to vent just a little. Reacting to names we may be called only serves to raise self-doubts about the validity of those very names. If you are really not an a-hole, then why would you bother reacting like one? You (parent, counsellor, boss, teacher, etc.) are the person in control and that’s all you need at this time.

In order to understand the reaction of others, we should operate upon the knowledge that each person — no matter what age, ability, degree of intelligence or sanity — wants to believe they are the most important person in the world.

To illustrate the above, I am reminded of story by Dr. Murray Banks, a noted after dinner speaker. In his work with the mentally ill, he walked onto a ward that contained several clients suffering from delusions of grandeur. He approached one resident and asked, Who do you think you are? The man in question immediately replied, My name is Napoleon. Oh yah? responded Dr. Banks, and who told you that? God told me! Then a voice from the next bed forcefully blurted out, I did not! See, Dr. Banks suggested, There is always someone who feels more important than you do, — even in a psychiatric hospital.

Van Stolk (as cited by Anderson, 1970) once said, The most selfish thing in the world is to be unselfish. I love this quote and used it with my students to test whether they really understood the significance of the respect tends to breed respect law of human behaviour. Succinctly stated, we are the greatest benefactors when we submerge our desire to feel important and focus on making the other person feel that way. Why? Because we enhance the chances of getting it back from them and as previously stated, this is the main way for us to gain a sense of importance.

A Search for Purpose

The human spirit is rarely satisfied or fulfilled in the absence of a purpose in life. One can merely exist but not live. A purpose for one’s existence is a rewarding discovery and one that also transcends ethnic and cultural boundaries. It is part of the essence of being human and all we need to qualify is to be human. Since none of us can avoid that reality, purpose then becomes the cornerstone of a happy human being. As stated by Leider (2013:3), Purpose gives us the will to live or to persevere. It gives us a reason to get up in the morning. Purpose gives us courage.

A sense of purpose has no cultural and/or economic requirements to be fulfilled and can be found in an endless array of sources. Feeling purpose promotes a sense of contentment, self-value, and direction. It becomes the solidifying element for all that is worthwhile and there is an excitement in the challenge that purpose always brings. In the end, we all want to believe that we matter, and purpose is the element that provides that outcome.

To lack purpose and/or not sense its value is one of the most destructive outcomes in a human being’s life. Those that are aware of its existence and lack such will suffer much emotional pain for they will feel the emptiness — that something is missing in their life and that they are a failure for not having discovered this inherent gift. Those that are unaware of the power of purpose may see themselves as successful yet lack a connection to some intrinsic advantage. Still others will simply go through life unaffected by their reality or the reality of others and change nothing. In the end, that may be the desirable outcome as in most cases, purpose demands effort, commitment, and the courage to act.

In his book titled The Power of Purpose, Leider (2010) suggests that although each of