The Every-Year Itch: Do life differently

By Kirsten de Bouter Shillam

Everyone feeling the “itch” of life. People at a crossroads, looking for a career change, longing to travel or move home, learn something new. Those fed up with the same old routine. And those left wondering “Is this it?”

Understanding why they might have got into a rut and why change in any form might be scary.

Clarity on their itch and what to do about it.

Insight into resistances they might be facing, real or imaginary.

Motivation and inspiration to really take personal action, knowing they are not alone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Practical Inspiration Publishing
• Release date: Dec 5, 2019
• ISBN: 9781788601191

Kirsten de Bouter Shillam

Kirsten de Bouter Shillam is a mentor, speaker, change expert, communicator and thought provoker. With a background in psychology and corporate coaching, she has worked all over Europe with companies such as Oracle, TomTom, Teva and Qualcomm with a focus on organisational change, innovation and people development. She helps people reframe the way they work, to find creative and fulfilling ways of ‘doing life differently’ and to realise their untapped potential.

Book preview

-ITCH-

WHAT'S ITCHING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION?

There she was: a successful businesswoman in her incredible office. Wealth displayed on every wall and ceiling. Plush chairs and tables with piles of plans and possibilities. She seemed to have it made. A celebrated figure, often asked for quotes and interviews. Why her?, jealous people wondered.

Behind the cushions and the shiny wallpaper, hid a different picture. She felt down. Cried for no reason. The obligation to feel proud of her success suffocated her. The overwhelm of the tasks forced her into a corner. An endless stream of responsibilities in which she reluctantly played the lead. She really wanted to come off stage, to be creative instead of on show.

What did money mean if life was grey? Her body and mind were exhausted, uninspired. Why are you so sad when you have success? her friend asked one day. And the businesswoman replied: All I ever wanted to do, was to play the violin.

Introduction

Every day I meet people who have an itch. They long for change and daydream about travelling, changing where they live or having a more inspiring job. They would love to work less, part-time, volunteer or work for themselves. They want to be healthier, fitter. In short, they want to do life differently. They have had it on their list for ages but each time it’s been overruled by more important matters, obligations, meetings, admin tasks or it’s their turn to walk the dog.

MANY PEOPLE PRESENT A LIFE TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD, WHILST HARBOURING A SECOND UNLIVED LIFE OF TALENT INSIDE THEM.

People live an obedient life to the outside world, whilst harbouring a second life inside that could be terrific if ever deployed. The outside life is modelled on examples and conforms to what is expected. The inside life is your unique version of your life, built upon your natural abilities and aspirations, rich in creativity and personality.

The tension between the two can be a painful internal dialogue. The discussion is never completed; the outside life wins as the wheel of the daily grind requires you to be somewhere. The inside life gets dismissed under perceived assumptions of it being impossible or not the right time. You reason there might be a chance for what lights you up one day, once your lists have been completed and the work is done. The longer you stay away, the less likely it is that you find ingenious ways to express yourself within the confines of what you have already built.

Eventually dreams are buried. They itch at times. It’s tolerated for years whilst things stay the same. Going through the daily grind is easier than finding what truly adds meaning to life. The eat-work-sleep-repeat that is only broken by a once-a-year holiday. A monotony that ensures experiences are not being had, places are not being visited, books are not being written, songs not sung, inventions not discovered, but you end up believing that’s how life runs.

If you comply or rebel, you will most likely end up in the same place. Out of integrity, held captive by a treadmill you feel is impossible to escape. You can’t take in the scenery, or decide the route. At no point are you truly in control. In settling for the outside life, some feel the uncomfortable unrest of the itch, some switch off to it altogether. A path is chosen veering away from one’s potential. In time people forget what they are capable of.

SO, WHERE IS THIS GOING?

Maybe part of you has gone That’s me!, or something inside you just woke up again. Maybe you are reflecting on the choices you have made and how you live, or you could convince yourself you are right.

This chapter will set out what the itch is, how to discover it, and what is possible when you find it and give it the kiss of life.

What is the itch?

Interviewing people for the Every-Year Itch Podcast, I ask every guest to name some tips for others who are contemplating making a change or who are looking for something different. Stepping outside the physical comfort zone is the number one advice. From taking oneself into the great outdoors, to taking a trip abroad or going to a workshop on a topic outside your field of reference. Every Podcast participant who has gone and actioned their itch recommended starting by broadening one’s horizons. The world and everything in it is far bigger than you can ever imagine from your usual spot. By realising how small you are, maybe you can become aware of the small voice inside your heart.

The head shouts and the heart whispers. The head dictates what is supposed to be done to satisfy the outside life. The heart connects you to you, your talents and dreams. Start with the heart. Put yourself in a place where you can hear what it says. It’s where your itch lives.

Questioned about the Every Year Itch, people respond generally in one of three ways:

1.

No idea what my itch could be. Never thought about it. There were things I dreamed about, but that’s not realistic is it? That is for fortunate people. My parents told me to… just do what’s sensible/ with that kind of education you will always have work…

2.

I have an inkling of what my itch could be. I used to say that I wanted to… or I was always intrigued by… If I had the chance then… But how do you make that happen and still pay the bills? I wouldn’t know where to start.

3.

I know what my itch is. I think and daydream about it. Imagine what it would be like if I did that every day (a dream come true). But then I talk to others and their eyebrows rise. They ask me how I will afford it, what it will mean for my career.

In the working world companies fall into three every-year itch categories. People who run companies are people. They have the same worries and wonders:

•We are so busy with keeping turning over and putting out fires, it leaves us no room to think about how to do things differently.

•We have some ideas, but no time to work them out. If we were to spend time on them, would we be indulgent? It may lead to nothing; maybe we are just fantasising. It takes so much energy to stay afloat.

•We know the itch and how we could do things differently, but how to transition into it? Would we take unnecessary risk, use up funds and waste time?

THE HEAD SHOUTS

THE HEART

WHISPERS

The itch keeps knocking softly on your door. What if your itch is your innovative, talented, creative and hungry self? The best of you, fuelled by life’s energy, undeterred by insecurities or opinions. The part of you that never tires and is eager to explore and learn? There’s not a person I’ve worked with who didn’t have an itch in some way or shape. And there is not a person who – when they scratched it – wished they hadn’t done it.

I-T-C-H =

INNOVATIVE

TALENTED

CREATIVE

HUNGRY

Discovering your itch

Do you know what your itch is? Have you ever wondered? If you are truly honest with yourself are you convinced that at this moment in time you are firing on all cylinders and capitalising on the fullest potential available to you? Are you fulfilled; has the world seen what you are capable of? The stories I hear from people day in, day out, is that this is a long way from being the case.

To practically know where to start with this seems like a very difficult task and throws up initially more questions than answers. What, how, where and when? First of all listen to your itch. Can you hear what it’s saying? You have more knowledge about this than you think. For not listening to the itch would automatically mean living your life or running your business based on parameters that have been set by society, other people or what is in fashion at the time.

DO SOME WONDERING...

Have a go at answering the following questions. This isn’t a test!

1.

Do you have dreams that you have given up on or stuck in some old shoebox in the attic?

2.

If you hadn’t been sensible, or followed your parents’ advice, what would you have chosen to do for a living?

3.

What would you do if nobody stopped you, you had all the money in the world and there was no chance of failing?

4.

If you had to say to someone in three words what you are about, what would you say?

5.

Where would your energy best be invested for great results?

I always see people struggle with these kinds of self-awareness questions. They draw a blank. The most important person to fully understand, is you. If people weren’t so busy running, shouting or keeping afloat, these are the kinds of questions that deserve thinking about.

Living from the outside in

Maybe you have always just felt that following the well-trodden path before you was what you were supposed to do. You built a life as modelled by your parents or grandparents and the community you grew up in, without questioning why. You were taught that things were done a certain way and that specific steps needed to be taken to reach your goals. You learned that a successful life is built upon experiences and knowledge acquired, whether from school, university, work experience, apprenticeships, travel… everything coming from an external source. Therefore, you were programmed to look outside of yourself for answers instead of listening to your itch.

My parents very much bought into the idea that you worked hard Monday to Friday 9 to 5 and never took a day off. If there was the very odd occasion that I was out with my parents during an otherwise normal working day, they would spend the entire time questioning where those people came from. Don’t they have jobs to go to? Later when I became self-employed and ran my own businesses, they never quite got to grips with the fact that I didn’t get a conventional pay-cheque. I worked with hundreds of clients and in companies where I achieved great successes with people. It wasn’t until for a short time I had a contracted job with a start and finish date, complete with monthly salary, that my parents sounded genuinely proud of me, as they understood the parameters.

Have you been programmed with a belief system that is based on you start out a nobody and become somebody. A system based on the conviction that people need educating, that medals, diplomas and certificates make us who we are? Do you measure by established standards and rush out for external validation? It prohibits us looking closer to home, relying on our unique talents and following our heart. It breeds low confidence and insecurities that become further obstacles to finding flow. Which is why answering some meaningful questions about one’s own life is terribly hard. We’ve hovered on the surface, trying to fit in, not wondering if it fitted us.

This is not to say that education and other forms of conventional standards and recognition aren’t important. Education certainly has its place and it is an important metric. But when engaged in this from self-knowledge and awareness of one’s talents, then internal motivation and the ability to learn are amplified.

Living from the inside out

The truth of the matter is: you are already somebody. You have your unique way of approaching things. There are things that you are in tune with, that make you smile and that you can naturally do so well, you wonder if it’s a skill at all. There are the things that you feel attracted to and immediately bring you into the itch-territory.