Oh My God, I Forgot the Plug ... And Other Stories From a Misguided Youth

By Robert Pickering

This book is epic ... or at least filled with epic foolishness. Parents will enjoy this book, perhaps breathing a sigh of relief that someone else's kid was actually worse than theirs. Kids will enjoy it because they'll undoubtedly see something that reminds them of their friends or brother or sisters ... or God forbid, themselves.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robert Pickering
• Release date: Oct 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463409077

Robert Pickering

I never wanted to be thought of as an author. Somehow to me, authors were the men and women who populated the pages of those dreaded anthologies we were forced to read in school. The worst fate I could possibly suffer would be to appear alongside Hemmingway, Melville or O'Connor in one of those enormous volumes - not that I have anything to worry about on that score. I would much prefer a space on bookshelf next to the likes of Stephen King, James Patterson or John Grisham. Better yet, to be in the tote bag of some young lady headed to the beach. I've always considered myself more of a storyteller. If I can get you engrossed in one of my stories, I'm satisfied that I've done my job. I was born and raised in South Louisiana, and draw on the heritage and folklore of the area. Though I may veer off into other genres from time-to-time, be it crime dramas, action adventure, non-fiction, even romance, I find myself returning to my roots time and again. I've also moved around the Southeast, first to Georgia, and then North Carolina. In both cases, I managed to pick up on some of the character of the place, and include it in my writing. I currently live in the city of Wilmington, North Carolina with my wife, my youngest daughter and two dogs.

Book preview

Oh My God, I Forgot the Plug!

… And Other Stories From a Misguided Youth

By

Robert Pickering

Copyright © 2018 by Robert Pickering

Smashwords Edition

Thank you for downloading this eBook. This book may not be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form, with the exception of quotes used in reviews. 

Forward

One of my father’s cousins who had the dubious pleasure of hosting me at his house two or three times when I was younger told me later, at my grandmother’s funeral no less, that I was a baaaad kid. He was right, but I prefer to think of myself as mischievous, or better yet, inquisitive. I will admit that I was a handful, and I think my wife would agree that I’m still a handful … and for those with their minds in the gutter, no, not that way.

I’ve always been curious, from taking apart alarm clocks to figure out how they work, to taking apart cars for the same reason. I never did care too much for putting them back together. It’s precisely that reasoning that often gets me into trouble. Hell, I took my kitchen apart three years ago and the damn thing still isn’t back together. Once I tear something apart, the motivation that led me to do it in the first place magically disappears. While this can be a huge pain in the rear for those who are forced to live with me, it does make for plenty of interesting stories.

Most stories involve my family, and while my presence has brought them grief on more than one occasion, I’ve also saved their butts a few times, which just goes to show that God never creates anyone who’s ALL bad. Although I’ve committed numerous misdemeanors and maybe a few felonies over the years, thankfully, I’ve never been arrested (and by the way, for any law enforcement types reading this, the statute of limitations HAS run out on those felonies).

I have mellowed significantly over the years, and now, rolling through mid-life, I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve matured, or if it’s just because I’m too damn lazy to take such risks anymore. In any event, this respite has given me time to reflect on my life, the funny and not so funny, and wonder how no one ever got killed, especially yours truly. The risks were certainly there, alcohol, firearms, sometimes both at the same time, motor vehicles – yeah, I should have been killed dozens of times over. But hey, even Evel Knievel died a relatively quiet death of lung disease at 69, and Lord knows he cheated death.

So I give you this collection of stories and hope you will find them funny. If you do, please give credit to my Mom, a wonderful woman who has handed down the talent and desire to write, and introduced me to the works of Erma Bombeck who has inspired me and shown me that even the most humiliating and humbling family moments will, for some sadistic reason, amuse the hell out of the rest of the population. I also give thanks to my Dad, who unfortunately passed away in 2002, without whom most of this book would not have been possible. Finally, of course, I thank my family who has to put up with me and my unique personality on a daily basis. And now that I’ve gotten this thing finished, I think I’ll get back to working on that kitchen.

A Category They’ll Never Use on the $20,000 Pyramid …

Reasons a U-Boat Might Come in Handy

Being from South Louisiana, many of my earliest and fondest memories involve being on the water and fishing. My Dad, of course, was a big fisherman, or fancied himself so, and I always marveled at the with variety of brightly colored fishing paraphernalia he carried in his tackle box, his fancy open face casting reel and his revolutionary (at the time) graphite composite rod. I imagine it was something akin to what a young apprentice magician would have felt in ancient times upon walking into the rooms of a master, with all the strange potions and spells laying about. I, of course, was restricted to using the same old live bait and well-worn rod and reel combo every time we went out, which though effective, was also very boring.

I must have been about 10 or 11 when I received for Christmas what seemed at the time to be like a gift from God, my very own tackle box and shiny yellow fishing rod with the latest model Zebco spin-casting reel. In the