The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain Box Set: The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain, #2.5

By Emily Craven

This box set contains books 1 & 2 of The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain series.

Here's what reviewers have to say about Madeline Cain's first adventure:

'A healthy dose of Kathy Lette, a dash of Bridget Jones, a smidgeon of Crocodile Dundee and a hefty dollop of Sex In The City, and you have a breezy, entertaining read that will have you wondering why your life is so comparatively uneventful.' ~Jamie Simpson, Bestchicklit.com. 

The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain: Photographer Extraordinaire is an engrossing work of young adult fiction that promises to reach beyond young adult audiences into the worlds of twenty-somethings, and provides a story narrated in modern snippets of detail from announcements and texts to Facebook posts. Add romances, betrayals, and blackmail to the mix and you have a rollicking set of encounters at home and abroad, all fueled by the spunky persona of a girl determined to live life to its fullest - and share her experiences with friends and loved ones. ~ Diane Donovan, e-book reviewer, Midwest Book Review 



BOOK 1: The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain

The problem with Facebook is, you can't fail at life in private.

Madeline Cain has made it! A New York City adventure and acceptance into a world famous photography school in Greenwich Village. What else could await an Australian in the big city but glamour, fun and kickass photo opportunities? All she needs is Facebook to brag to family and friends back home and she's set. Right? Right?? 

Not quite. 

From the moment she's forced to make ends meet by accepting a job as a pizza delivery girl chaos becomes a close friend, much to the delight of her growing Facebook followers. As Madeline struggles not to embarrass herself in front of her hot (but taken) neighbour, Kevin, she must survive abusive umbrellas, deliveries to cross-dressing dwarfs, and completely unwarranted FBI questioning. Things move from the crazy to the ridiculous when she accidentally blackmails Kevin's millionaire girlfriend with photos of her cheating on him. 

Does Madeline accept the bribe money she desperately needs or protect her budding relationship with Kevin the hottie? 

Written as though you are reading Madeline's Facebook page, 'The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain' is a modern tale that will leave you in stitches.



BOOK 2: Madeline Cain: Adventures In Fashion

Madeline Cain knows that after six chaotic months, the rest of her time in New York City will be smooth sailing with Kevin -- her new squeeze -- by her side. That is, until Madeline's idols drop a bombshell - she needs to pick a specialisation before the year is out or risk losing the career of her dreams. The problem? She's about as sure of her photographic passion as a hiker is of outrunning a bear. 

Thus Madeline begins her search for her one true path with student-arranged assignments featuring certifiably insane children, lip-synching rockers, a dog whisperer, and… zombies? But it's not until Madeline secures a 'life-debt' by saving a potential mobster from a gun-wielding cross-dresser that she sets her sights on an amazing internship opportunity. 

Is her new patron really part of the mob? Can she nail this internship when all her experiments are going to hell? And how does she deal with Kevin's obsession over her escapades? 

Written as though you're reading Madeline's Facebook page, Adventures in Fashion will leave you giggling on the floor as Maddie posts about the second half of her Big Apple adventure.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Craven Publishing
• Release date: Dec 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9780994431813

Emily Craven

Chocolate. Karaoke. Star Trek. Travel. Puppies. These are some of my favourite things. But my most favourite are stories. Stories entered my DNA as a kid. They were what saved me from lonely lunched with no friends when my family moved states and I was shoved into a new school mid-year, mid-puberty, mid-awkward-phase. They allowed me to escape to another world of adventure, of empathy, perspective, and heroes who strived against the bullies, and again and again, picked themselves. Stories showed me how to adapt, to care, to trust myself. They understood me on a level I barely understood myself. I was such a voracious reader I started writing my own books when I was 12 because my favourite authors just couldn’t keep up. Stories were how I survived boredom. Boredom was how I ended up a Star Trek nerd. Every afternoon when I got home from school, my mother commandeered the TV to fuel her Star Trek addiction. The choice was be bored or be obsessed. You could say I was brain-washed a Trekkie and I have no regrets! That’s the only reason I can think of for how I ended up choosing to study Astrophysics. Two years in and something happened that I never in a million years expected. I hated it.  What I didn’t realise at the time was the reason I was so drawn to Star Trek wasn’t the science, it was the adventure. I want to create stories that connected people. Fictional preferably, with a hint of magic, a dash of quirky, and a sneaky side of truth. It was when I took the conscious decision to step off the beaten path that things changed for me. In creating my own opportunities, I made a place where I belonged, and where thousands of others realised they belonged. The success that I've had is due largely to the power of story. Of how stories allow you to be understood for you, and to connect beyond yourself. I’ve won awards, presented hundreds of hours of storytelling workshops internationally, published 6 books, edited and/or published dozens of authors, I am a global entrepreneur of an app that helps you explore and connect to a city and the stories of its people, and I’m part of a 6 person team that brands a handful of high-flying femmpreneurs every year. So I say to you pick yourself, don’t wait for others to pick you. But also pick doing it together, rather than doing it alone.

Book preview

The Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain

Book 1

Dedication

To my kookie family and Facebook friends

Thanks for entertaining me with your weirdness.

Follow the Grand Adventures of Madeline Cain, Photographer Extraordinaire!

EVENT INVITATION> Suggest your friends [Edit Event]

You are Attending. Public event

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Time:          1 January at 09:00 – 31 December at 24:00

Location:      Earth

Created by:    Madeline Cain

More Info:

Madeline is leaving little ol’ Adelaide for adventure in the unknown frames of NY City – her trusty camera in hand! Follow her adventures in the Big Fruit (aka Apple) as she undertakes her twelve month photography course with the man himself, Jason I’Anson! Jason as you should all know is my favourite photographer and one of photography’s most renowned professionals on Earth!

Bored? Entertain yourself with my notes. Jealous? Live vicariously through me 🙂 either way, keep your eyes glued to Facebook kiddies!

Write something…                [Share]

Kathy Bloomingdale I’ll follow but only if you take a minimalist approach to exclamation marks… Posted 3hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Let’s face it, I can’t wait to see the back of your face. You’ve got me so deliriously excited I even fixed your umbrella. Posted 5hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline CainThe Great Just stay out of trouble Doctor Evil. Posted 4hrs ago   [Comment . Like]

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Tim Gleevepoked you [Poke . Ignore]

Tim Gleevethrew a cow at your car [Throw back! . Ignore]

Tim Gleevestuffed ice-cream down your shirt [Slap Tim! . Ignore]

Confirmation You wish to slap Tim? [Slap! . I Have Changed My Mind]

Confirmation Your slap has been sent to Tim [ok]

Farmville Request

Mike Cain has made apricot jam from your orchards and ploughed and planted your farm! Return the Favour! Available tasks on Mike’s farm are ‘mucking out the stables’, ‘cleaning the pig yard’ or ‘de-worming the dogs’. [Accept . Ignore]

Who Owns A Chameleon? Seriously?

NOTES > My Notes                  [Write a note]

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By Madeline CainThe Great. Wednesday, 2 January 2012 at 04:00.

Just wanted to say, this wasn’t how I imagined the start of my grand adventure; a prig for a housemate and some unidentifiable (possibly Mexican) amphibian called Duncan.

My vision of studio loft apartments, spacious and bright, come nowhere close to describing this disturbing student housing. I mean, I’m paying a fortune, I have to find a job, and all I get is some crummy, two bedroom apartment with paint peeling off the walls, a cupboard for a kitchen and a bathroom that makes a moss infested cave network look like a barren desert plain. Seriously, there is enough mould on those tiles to start producing our own penicillin tablets.

They have put me in the same apartment as some random guy called Kim. How was I supposed to know that Kim was a guy’s name? Perhaps the College, rather than asking if I wanted to room with Kim Enuik, should have asked if I minded rooming with a growth stunted, lean, chain-smoking, scarf-wearing metro GUY from Chicago. If first impressions are an indicator of the year to come, then this year is going to be more interesting and less exciting than I planned.

My first meeting with Kim and Duncan started with me kicking my bedroom door down. After the fifth kick the door flew open and I dropped my bags in the bare, 3m squared room.

Holy shit. That’s all I could say. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit.

It was delightfully decorated with dusty metal blinds, carpet stains of an unknown nature, one wooden desk and a single bed. The mattress was an uninviting light green, and appeared to have a misshapen lump at its core.

What a shit hole, I muttered. Exhausted, I went to lie on the bed, misshapen or not.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…..

I leapt backward flattening myself against the opposite wall as the mattress ceased to sound like a Koala deprived of its gum leaf drugs. Approaching the bed again I saw two eyes blinking lazily amongst the green. On closer inspection I could identify the outline of a long four-legged, spiky-tailed lizard exactly the same colour as the bloody bed!

Hola! growled the apparition.

Bloody hell! I mashed myself against the wall, body turning to seek escape through the open door. Only to be stopped short by Kim; bored eyes watching me.

So you’ve met Duncan?

Hola! Came the low growl from the bed.

I liked my dry lips and asked, What the hell is that?

What does it look like? It’s a fricken Chameleon.

Oh.

Kim continued to stare in distain. Don’t they have zoos in the UK?

I drew myself up. "UK? I’m not a Pom, I’m Australian."

Aren’t you used to big f-off Alligators then? A Chameleon’s the purring cat of reptiles; I thought you Aussies had more balls.

God that bloke got under my skin quicker than an alien probe. Look mate I’m from Adelaide, it’s a city with over a million people, not the middle of Whoop-Whoop.

A million people and you think this…Adelaide, is a city?

Well in comparison to… but we still have a… I mean we don’t have any flipping…. Look, who the hell are you?

He lifted one well groomed eyebrow. Kim, I live here.

But you’re a guy. Yeah, I know, enter Captain Obvious.

Well spotted genius. Next you’ll be telling me Duncan’s a lizard.

Flicking his fringe like a well rehearsed Panteen ad, he sauntered through, picked up the two and a half foot-long Duncan and returned to the door. As Duncan slowly discarded green for navy blue to merge with Kim’s vest, Kim paused and looked over his shoulder like a character in a bad Australian Soapie.

Duncan is a very rare and valuable pet. Under no circumstances are you to feed him and if you give him an avenue to escape you’ll wish you stayed in Kangaroo land. If you can follow these rules then we will get along just fine. Welcome to student housing.

What the hell!! Just because he wears a scarf and smokes like a chimney does not make him better than me! Christ, I wear a scarf because it flipping minus seven degrees and snowing!

He is the strangest, most predictable character I have ever met. Kim divides his time between four locations: a) his precious NYU where he studies promotion and marketing, b) his bed room, more often than not climbing onto the fire-escape outside his window to smoke, c) making microwave oven meals in the kitchen and d) interning at one of NY’s hottest night clubs in Soho, The Dragon’s Den.

I have been here less than three days and I have found Duncan in no less than fifty different places in the apartment, waiting to scare the living daylights out of me. He’s like Speedy Gonzales on steroids dressed in camouflage armour. He’s like the superman of lizards. You never see him move, he vanishes and reappears from one end of the room to the other in seconds and he is indestructible. Hola! Next to my head in the morning. Hola! Materialising on the sink when I spit out tooth paste. Hola! In my yet to be unpacked suitcase this morning. Hola! Hola! Hola! Hola!

This could be worse than the prospect of one day rooming with Tim and his abnormal sexual fetish for electrical appliances.

Anyway, that’s beside the point, I’m angry, I’m jetlagged and I’ve got to de-Duncan my room before I enter zombie like slumber.

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Harry Lee and 3 others like this.

Nadine Cain Darling that’s horrible! Are there at least two dead bolts on your door? You don’t have to stay honey. Come home. I found this lovely photography course for you at Uni SA, lots of knowledgeable instructors and a very good reputation. Daddy and I can convert the new study back into your old room like that! Posted 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Nadine Cain Oh Maddie, I don’t mean to sound like a nag but next time, please call us to let us know you’re safe, a note on Facebook two days after you arrived is just inconsiderate. Love you. Xoxoxoxox. Posted 1hr 2mins ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Great Mum I did not spend three hours with you on the computer setting up your account, adding your friends and showing you how to message me and view my posts so that I could waste a billion dollars calling Australia from a payphone. When I finally stumble out to see the sights I’ll buy a calling card. And Jason is my idol! I am NOT going to Uni SA to study; it’s super hard to get into I’Anson Photographic College. Nice try though. Love ya. Posted 12 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale Wow Mad, that sounds full on! Hopefully once the jetlag dust settles and you start your course with Jason you’ll feel a million bucks. Please put up pictures of Duncan. I’ve never seen a Chameleon before! How exciting! And after that toaster, burnt bread, knife incident I really think we should reconsider moving in with Tim next year. I mean the butterflies are off putting enough…. Posted 5 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

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Mike Cain joined the group I am always tired because at night, I am a superhero and 2 other pages [Like]

Virginia Lowe Put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who suffers from a disabling defect. Living a life impacted by disability can be a demoralising one and only through awareness and understanding will they feel a true part of the wider community. 93% of people will not post this on their wall. Be part of the 7% who will and raise awareness of this widespread issue.  Posted 10 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Isabelle Haigh is now friends with Virginia Lowe and Gayle Young.

Kathy Bloomingdale Love my sister week. If you have a sister who has made you laugh, wiped your tears, hugged you, cheered you on and kept you strong post this. Put this on your status if you have an amazing sister. Posted 50mins ago. [Comment . Like]

You and 5 other people like this.

Madeline Cain The Great joined the group It’s a ninja thing, you wouldn’t understand [Like . Join]

Madeline Cain The Great Woke up with a wet face, realised it’s just a pool of drool that accumulated during the night due to zombie-like slumber. Posted 3 hrs ago. [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and in case you didn’t know, they can breathe fire. 93% of people won’t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. The other 7% are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers. Posted 7 mins ago [Comment . Like]

5 people like this.

Madeline Cain The Fantastic Dude you’re a tool. Posted 5 min ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale I thought we weaned you off Dungeons and Dragons… Posted 4 min 30secs ago [Comment . Like]

Virginia Lowe OMG Tim, you’re such an arsehole! Keep your perversions to yourself. Giving one’s life to a cause is noble, and we don’t need jerks like you devaluing the struggle of others. Posted 4mins ago [Comment . Like]

TimGleeve But Vee, life without laughter is no life at all. And let’s face it, your activist status updates are about as depressing as an old lady who keeps cats. Someone has to put life in perspective, and only someone as awesome as me can do that. Posted 3mins ago [Comment . Like]

Virginia Lowe That’s it! You’re a monster! I am de-friending you this instant! I hope you choke on your non-vegetarian diet of beef steak! Posted 3 mins ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Oh nooo’s. Please don’t. What am I to do? Woe is me, my world shall be full of sin without your conscience to guide me. Oh what a world!!!!!!! Posted 2mins ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Fantastic You just couldn’t keep your big mouth closed could you Butterfly Boy? Posted 1min ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale One day you’re going to get bitch slapped, and not by your toaster. Posted 50sec ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve joined the group I don’t get drunk, I get awesome! [Like . Join]

We Agreed Never to Speak of This to Others.....[New Message]

[Back to messages. Mark as unread . Report spam . Delete]

Between Tim Gleeve, Kathy Bloomingdale and You.

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Tim Gleeve 3 January 2012 at 22:00 [Report]

You guys are arseholes! You said that you would keep my …problem, to yourselves! And then Maddie put it in her blog!! WTF is wrong with you!

Madeline Cain The Fantastic 3 January 2012 at 22:35

Come on Tim, what did you expect? You were wondering around your new apartment naked, you go to retrieve your charcoal toast and get an electric shock on the end of your knob from the toaster! You can’t keep that sort of hilarity inside.

Kathy Bloomingdale 3 January 2012 at 22:40 [Report]

Then you go and do it on purpose, repeatedly, because (if we’re to believe your version of events), it feels better than any sexual experience you have ever had. Now I thought the butterfly collecting and the god awful home brew was quirky enough for a grown lad, I hadn’t realised you still haven’t matured passed ‘weird habit’ puberty.

Madeline Cain The Fantastic 3 January 2012 at 22:43

And it’s our job as your best friends to make sure you get your kicks from a nice girl and not a toaster oven. It’s our sacred covenant.

Tim Gleeve 3 January 2012 at 23:04 [Report]

What? By publically announcing it on FACEBOOK! Everyone we know, and people we don’t are hanging on your every exotic NY word Maddie! Yes it’s weird but I never meant it to be this way! I’m trying to kick the habit!

Kathy Bloomingdale 3 January 2012 at 23:08 [Report]

By ignoring the blind date I set you up on? When you show commitment to your rehabilitation we will ease up on the public hints. When you show significant improvement we will desist in our campaign and only tease you about butterflies again.

Tim Gleeve 3 January 2012 at 23:10 [Report]

Do I have a choice???? What is significant improvement?

Madeline Cain The Fantastic 3 January 2012 at 23:11

No! When you are making love to the ladies more than the toaster. That is all.

Kathy Bloomingdale 3 January 2012 at 23:11 [Report]

None what so ever 🙂

Tim Gleeve 3 January 2012 at 23:14 [Report]

Don’t you smiley face me you evil wench! I hate you both. Now if you don’t mind I am going to do some damage control and reaffirm how awesome I am through my cyber platform.

Madeline Cain The Fantastic 3 January 2012 at 23:16

Just remember, we are watching you, always watching…..

[Reply . Back to Messages]

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Tim Gleeve I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. Posted 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Truth Teller Dislike toaster tramp! Posted 1hr 10mins ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Away foul fiend! Be gone! Posted 1 hr 15mins ago [Comment . Like]

Kyle Traybna Totally took the biggest dump of my life. Now eating cinnamon sugar toast, Yum! Posted 5hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Virginia Lowe Natural Lisa uses kittens as test subjects for beauty products. Don’t let one of the world’s biggest cosmetics producers profit from the suffering of these poor beasts! Join the cause and donate today! Posted 3hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kyle Traybna Just had a shower, now settling on the couch to watch Kung Pow. Awesome! Posted 3hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Fake blood, not so easy to make. Posted 2hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Truth Teller Why are you making fake blood? You aren’t tying up police resources again? Remember how much trouble you got in last time? The forensics team was convinced there was a drifter in Harndorf bopping off hikers. Next time they will send you to juvie. Posted 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Come on Sis, who says I can’t experiment in a little Hollywood fakery every now and then? Relax. Posted 50mins ago [Comment . Like]

Nadine Cain It’s ok honey, we gave your brother a Hollywood special effects kit for his birthday. We are watching him closely. Posted 40mins ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Mum! You’re cramping my style! Go type on one of your old foggies updates. Posted 39mins ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Arrrggg. Fine, thanks Mum for the awesome present. Your friends are not old foggies. Happy? Posted 20mins ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Truth Teller Hehehe, I’m surprised Mum didn’t cut your power off then and there! Posted 10mins ago [Comment . Like]

The Underwear Fiasco

NOTES > My Notes                  [Write a note]

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By Madeline CainThe Pants-less. Wednesday, 3 January 2012 at 13:00.

Ok, so I finally feel awake enough to tell you all about the trip here. Yesterday I vented and today I will bring your attention to the bad travel karma I possess. I suspect this was contracted when I attempted to and succeeded in making Mike throw up on our last road trip to Nana’s. So in the end I shall blame Mike for my bad karma, if you weren’t so annoying, I would be a better person.

As far as I can tell, international plane trips are a nightmare unless you have twelve grand to blow on a business class seat. It is an experience, ladies and gentlemen, to rough it. Or so say various religious factions who, let’s face it, don’t fly much. I was in what was termed hotel class. It’s a fantastic five-minute walk to where I resided from the front of the airplane. You can see all the seats you’re NOT allowed to sit in.

I had picked an inauspicious day for a smooth flight. Turbulence was a very close friend on the way to NY. Every time the attendants brought out food, Turbulence would give the plane a friendly slap on the arse. Five hours into the flight you couldn’t even tempt me to eat ice-cream for fear of covering the forward three rows in vomit. In regards to the entertainment prospects it was inevitable that I be seated too far away from one screen and too close to the other. By the flight’s end I couldn’t look anywhere except up.

The man I was sitting next to was a big, fat Swedish man who literally took up half my seat with his elbow alone. This elbow poked me in the breast whenever he leant forward to eat meals he clearly could not have been hungry for. As fate would have it he didn’t speak a word of English.

Sweden! *Points to himself vigorously.*

Australia, I replied.

Ah, Austria!

No. Australia. You know, Down Under? Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi? Australia.

Deutchland!

No, Aus-tra-li-a!

Ja ja, Deutchland!

Sigh, Yes, Deutchland, I’m from Austria, that’s totally why I speak English.

Seriously, how can people not know where Australia is? We are essentially the biggest Island Nation in the world; we are the biggest country in the Southern Hemisphere and one of the biggest tourist destinations on Earth. If he was from a village in Africa, I would understand, but Sweden?? And man did he snore like a train. No sleep for seventeen hrs.

Taking the more scenic route to NY, we stopped off in Hawaii. In the old days you would just sit in a transit lounge for an hour while the plane refuelled and then reboard. But no, in this day and age, El Paranoid Americano’s have come up with a much better plan. Whether you are on American soil for 10 mins or an hour – no matter if USA is not even your destination – once you land you have to play by their rules. The entire plane was finger printed and photographed – because of course I was a terrorist. And in the hour and a half it took my plane to refuel I planned to bomb the airport, set Honolulu on fire and hijack the airplane, escaping across the border to Canada. Shit! I hope the FBI can’t search for the word terrorist and hack my fb account.

Ah whatever, anyway the conspiracy theory I like to nurse is the American Government plan to keep the entire world under surveillance. You may laugh but I’ve read 1984, I know how they think…

In JFK airport my security luck continued as I got patted down and bomb tested (Thank god I had my shoes cleaned after blowing up stumps on Nana’s farm!).

Outside the air was icy, the wind blowing a gale and the taxi line was LONG! The ride to Greenwich Village was uneventful (And smashed through the weekly budget!). The cabby, more concerned with staying warm that receiving a 1 dollar student tip for service, popped the boot and stared vacantly out the window. Wrestling my bulging bag, I dropped it heavily to the ground where the side pocket of my duffle promptly burst at the seams.

Next thing I knew half my supply of underwear was whipped swiftly……

Chat-box-1-5Chat-box-1-11Chat-box-1-12

…… down the street! Deposited in drains, tree tops and flung into the face of an unlucky passerby. Unwilling to leave my heavy bag unattended on a NY side walk I watched in despair as my favourite Mickey Mouse undies disappeared down a storm water drain.

I swear my face turned beetroot red when a tall, wiry, young African American man in jeans and a long black, tailored jacket handed me two wayward knickers that had plastered themselves to his shins.

Madeline Cain?

Yes? Look I swear my Mum labelled those, I’m not that anally retentive.

Clearly unable to control himself, he burst into laughter, whooping so hard I was surprised he didn’t develop a hernia.

Oh come on, it’s not that flipping funny.

You thought I…I didn’t, he gasped through fits of laughter.

Self consciously I started shoving underwear from the broken compartment into my smaller backpack.

Sorry, I’m so sorry let me explain, he begged. I’m Cliff. I’ve been waiting for you to arrive so I can let you into your accommodation.

Oh, I replied awkwardly, shaking his (still trembling) outstretched hand.

Let me try and fetch what I can, he said with a broad smile.

Before I could protest he was off, pulling down blue underwear from a car aerial here, purple fabric from a doorway there. God! It was, to date, the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. Ever. Bigger than the time I got corn stuck up my nose, bigger than the time Mum caught me practising kissing on Kathy, it was Just. Not. Cool.

He handed over a bundle of knickers with one large hand.

Well, this is one way to break the ice with a new friend, he said with a grin, clapping me on the back.

The same large hand reached down and picked up my duffle as if it were made of matchsticks. Stuffing the knicker bundle in my jacket pocket I followed him, towards a large (run down) red brick apartment building with bars on the windows of the first three floors. Beside the door a panel of 30 buttons indicated the number of apartments in the block. A swipe card let us into a too bright hallway lined with mail boxes, each with their own individual locks.

The lino squeaked under our feet as we made our way to the industrial sized elevator. On Level 5 was my apartment. The introduction to my living space you already know. And yes, embarrassingly, Cliff is my neighbour and lives in the apartment next door, 5B.

No sightseeing (or job hunting) today, it’s snowing an absolute blizzard outside (thank god heating is included in the rent!). However, Cliff offered to show me around tomorrow if it’s clear.

And finally, in five days time, I get to meet Jason I’Anson!! Excitement Plus!!

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Adam Goldam and 10 others like this.

Kathy Bloomingdale I would just DIE if a cute guy started picking my underwear off the street! He is cute right? Posted 12 hours ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less Truth be told Kathy I didn’t take much notice in my embarrassed haze! I think so, not sure, I’ll let you know tomorrow. If he is, that just makes it even more mortifying! Posted 2 hours ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *gasp* hahahahahahahahahahahahaha Deutchland! Hola! You’re just surrounded by the crazies!!! See what happens when you’re mean to me? Karma bites you in the ARSE! Posted 10 hours ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less Up yours Captain Porno! Posted 2 hours ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain I prefer Mike Cain – The Legend! Posted about 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less How are you online Hacker la Porno? I thought Mum suspended you? Posted about 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Michael is reading and commenting under my supervision Maddie. Sorry about his above comment, I was on the loo for that one honey. I shall be talking to him about appropriate behaviour today. Love Mum. Posted about 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less For goodness sake Mum, everyone can read this, please keep your waste disposal moments to your private emails if you must note them, just not on Facebook. Posted about 2hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Who gives a damn if he’s cute Kath! What I want to know is have you sat on Duncan yet?? Posted 10hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less Not yet, only a matter of time. Posted about 2hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Nadine Cain Honey I told you that the suitcase was the better option. That duffle has seen better days. I must hear all about your sightseeing! Photos! I’ve figured out how to see them now 🙂 How horrible you’re stuck inside, good luck with your course. Any luck in connecting with that new house mate of yours? He’s not gay is he? I hear it can be awkward when they bring their boyfriends home, and your walls sound like they would be paper thin. I will keep the potty talk to a minimum, promise. Love you xoxo. Posted 10hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-Less Mum please don’t talk to me about the sexuality of my house mate, it’s creepy. I don’t want to think about hearing ANYTHING through thin walls. I haven’t seen him around much, all I know is he uses the bathroom for about 40mins at a time. Posted about 2hrs ago [Comment . Like]

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Madeline Cain the Pants-less Having a brain isn’t always the smartest thing. Take Mike Cain for example…. Posted 2 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kate Nikle Joined the group Some things are so awkward to say, but so easy to text and 16 other pages. [Like . Join]

Derek Chan Note to sober self NEVER follow another alcoholic male up a hill after ten beers… That is all. Posted 23 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Particularly when they have a full bladder, hey mate? Posted 22 hrs ago         [Comment . Like]

Kate Nikle Joined the group Harry Pothead and 20 other pages. [Like . Join]

Lulu Tanaki Happy half birthday to my little angel!!!! Posted yesterday 20:54 [Comment . Like]

Ray Star Awwwww Congrats! So cute. We will have to make a play date with the toddlers too! Posted yesterday 21:15 [Comment . Like]

Wyate Yosime Now you have to serve half a cake! Posted yesterday 21:34 [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less Hey Lulu! Congrats on being a Mrs! Say hi to the boys! Posted 5 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Dear Twihards, Thanks for making us look so socially adjusted. Regards, Trekkies. Posted yesterday 22:00 [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less *Snort* Twihards. Posted 15 hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kyle Traybna Went for a walk down to the letter box. No letters for me 🙁 At least the sun is shining, what a beautiful day! Posted yesterday 15:00 [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale 1. Go to recycle bottles.

Lift boxes out of car.

Hold box under chin.

Giant Huntsman crawls on chin.

Holy mother of God.

Posted yesterday 13:00 [Comment . Like]

Madeline the Pants-less Crap! They’re so horrid! How did you get it off? Posted 15hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve You totally opened your mouth to scream and swallowed it, didn’t you? I once found one as big as my face on the ceiling above my bed. Posted 10hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale No Tim I did not swallow it *shudder*. Maddie, I have never seen a spider that big and hairy that close before. I almost broke my chin swatting it off my face! It’s all a bit hazy after that but I vividly remember finding myself after the event, perched high on the counter of the counting booth with the attendant pissing himself. To top it all off I broke most of the bottles L Posted 9hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline the Pants-less It is a legitimate fear, I would have dived through the window and climbed on the guy’s shoulders to get away! They don’t have security camera footage of it do they? 😀 Posted 5hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve You know I think I saw that on YouTube…..  Posted 4hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale You better be a liar Tim! Posted 2hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale Holy shit! It’s THERE!!! Posted about 1hr ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less Wow you can actually hear your screaming… Posted 5secs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale I am going to kill this Richard_pantsdown when I figure out who he is! He will never post on YouTube again! Posted 1 sec ago [Comment . Like]

Kate Nikle likes Howl’s moving Castle and Royal Adelaide show. [Like]

Madeline Cain the Pants-less –>Mike Cain I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! Posted Saturday at 02:00 [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain Sweet baby Jesus on a jet ski, FINALLY it rained! Posted Saturday at 04:30 [Comment . Like]

Laani

NOTES > My Notes                  [Write a note]

---

By Madeline CainThe Livid . Sunday, 7 January 2012 at 17:00.

Once again I am going to reiterate how AWESOME New York is. So many sights are swirling around my head, rather than telling you what I did each day, I’m just going to describe to you all the awesome places that I visited in a hodge podge collection, cause let’s face it, that’s how I roll.

Looking back on the last couple of days I think it’s accurate to say that Times Square is the heart of the city, Central Park the beauty, the Empire State Building the wonder and the Statue of Liberty is its freedom. Knowing these four points getting around is easy! Manhattan streets are set out like a grid. The only street that runs diagonally along the island is Broadway, which a very long time ago was a track used by American Indians.

Cliff knocked on my door at 10am sharp every morning. And yes, Kathy he is fairly good looking, not gorgeous, but not too bad! He has a long clean shaven face, close cropped hair, narrow nose and a broad smile; he’s about six foot and always wears his stylish, black tailored coat.

First on the agenda was a visit to Times Square via subway and an obligatory trip to buy that very first ‘I love NY’ t-shirt. Yes I did it! Don’t worry, I shan’t embarrass you all, I’ll hide it in my wardrobe until I return to merry old Aus 🙂 The subway is incredibly easy to use and really quite a lot of fun. It’s terribly cold though, even with us all rugged up and no air vents. The wind is like steams of pure ice that flow through every tunnel and set of stairs. Surprisingly it wasn’t as dirty as I thought it would be. That doesn’t mean to say that I would lick the walls if given a choice between life or death….

Times Square is extraordinary! There are bright colours, luminescent boards and flashing lights everywhere. Broadway billboards fill your vision, and there is even a Bubba-Gump Shrimp billboard (Run Forest!). There were police everywhere not to mention hundreds of people in the square at any one time. In fact, I think that there were more people in the square at 11pm than there were at 11am. Times Square is incidentally, not a square but a kind of triangle. In the centre there is a little booth that sells discount Broadway tickets (OH MY GOD, I am going to LIVE there this year!).

From that point on we did more walking in four days than I have done in five months! We meandered down 5th Avenue, passing Louis Vitton, Tiffany’s, Cartier (Where the giant toy store in Home Alone 2 used to be – you can tell as it still has the toy soldiers above the entrance of the store) and god knows how many other designer stores all the way up to Central Park. If you feel the urge to live in one of the most prestigious streets in the world overlooking Central Park and have 50 million dollars, then some of the mansions for sale on 5th Avenue are for you!

The buildings in NY are amazing; they have a Post Office that takes up an entire city block! Then of course there is the infamous Empire State Building.

The line and amount of security was ridiculous, I told Cliff that straight out.

Look Cliff I’m sorry but you American’s go a bit overboard with the whole security thing.

Tell that to the giant hole in down town, he replied, face deadpan.

Trying to keep my joking demeanour, I stared at him. Surely I hadn’t misjudged him? Did he harbour a shrunken humour muscle due to 9/11?

Unable to hold the expression, his face crumpled into a smile, There are definite trust issues, I mean three check points? Really? It’s like they’ve already sussed out our plan to test the theory of Gravity from the top.

He winked at me. Relieved laughter escaped my frozen lips.

I have a theory.

Scientifically supported? He asked with mock seriousness.

But of course. I believe that this is where they test all their new airport security measures. They do it just to see how much they can get away with and how many times they can search a person before they will literally explode with pent up frustration, I expanded.

I have not been here for at least ten years, so it is highly plausible that your theory is accurate. I must warn you though, if it is anything like my last visit, the view looking UP the Empire State is more spectacular than the view looking DOWN.

The view from the top was, as foretold, a bit of a disappointment. After the excessively long ride in a dingy elevator (A trial of patience I have concluded, Cliff whispered in my ear) you emerge to a view of the city covered in a layer of smog. And while NY may look fantastic from the ground, it just looks grotty from the top of the Empire State. The smog was so bad, and disturbingly at our breathing level, that when I tried to auto focus my super awesome, state of the art camera on the Statue of Liberty, I couldn’t get a clear shot for love nor money.

Though the Empire State view fell short of expectations, the Statue of Liberty was as grand as I imagined it to be.

You know it was a gift from France to America and there is a miniature version of it in Paris, Cliff informed me as I battled my hair and the fiercely blowing wind for possession of my sight and face. No more shall the average American climb thy hallowed arm to flame nor crown, He declared with a dramatic fling of his arm. All thy subjects of the free may see is the base of their beloved Lady Liberty’s memorial.

And pay a tidy sum of your life savings for the privilege too, I gasped out loud spying the price on the tourist pamphlet. You practically have to book a place on the tour when you’re born! Two months in advance!

Neither loss of money nor time will sway thy subjects from thy pilgrimage –

I tell you what once you get a writer going trying to gag them is like running the gauntlet of Liberty security dressed in your underwear and armed only with your fists. Only beating the writer around the head with your foam Statue of Liberty crown will force them into submission. Ok, yes, so I bought one of those as well. It’s obligatory, it’s not like I’m going to make it the latest accessory…

But on a side note, as much as I joke about terrorism, it’s a shame that it’s reduced us to this state, where security abounds and our opportunities to see the world’s unique sights decrease every hour. Ironically, we then proceeded to walk to ground zero, the site of the destroyed World Trade Centres. It looked one massive construction site.

Holy Crap, I didn’t realise that the subway lines actually ran underneath the buildings! I craned my neck trying to see through the metal fences and into the deep hole before me.

When the towers collapsed, Cliff said quietly, The explosion caused the windows of the surrounding buildings to shatter. All windows except the windows of the church the legend goes.

I snorted loudly, Somehow I doubt that!

Every tragedy has to take some creative license, he replied a quirk of his lips showing amusement, Otherwise how would people cope with so much destruction?

I have to say I think Cliff is one of the wisest people I’ve met (no Tim, you don’t even qualify), he just seems to know how people tick. No doubt his characters are dynamite.

As much as I was horrified by the events, I had to admit the photographer in me took over my mind, analysing every story angle and what visual tale would make the most impact. Does that make me a bad person? I’m not sure I like the idea of using tragedy to make art.

Bah Humbug! Enough melancholy, on to Central Park! We walked through Central Park to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Central Park is beautiful and so surreal at the same time. A small square of greenery (well, outside of winter) surrounded by a forest of buildings. My favourite view was that from a castle overlooking a cleared, snow blanketed expanse backed by a large stand of trees and in the distance the buildings dwarfing all.

And the Metropolitan Museum of Art, oh, the Museum! Never have I come across one so large and so… AWESOME! It even has a cloakroom. A note to all tourists who venture here, though the lady at the counter may inform you it is $15 US bucks a pop to enter; Cliff told me an entirely different story.

The prices charged are only the recommended prices; technically you can pay whatever you want. New Yorkers are clued in and pay only 1-2 dollars just to get in out of the summer heat, he said with a wink. But lordy do the attendants hate you. Watch.

We sauntered up to the counter where we were promptly charged thirty bucks.

But that’s only the recommended price right? Cliff replied leaning casually on the counter top.

The attendant asked through clenched teeth, "What would you like to pay… sir?"

"Five dollars for the both of us would be just dandy ma’am.’

If looks could kill Cliff would have evaporated on the spot.

The Museum houses two genuine Ancient Egyptian tombs. When the Egyptian government wanted to flood a valley to hold their water supply, they appealed to the world governments to provide them with money and in return they would use this money to relocate/save the Ancient Egyptian tombs and temples which resided in the valley. The tombs would be relocated to a museum in the donor’s country. They took them stone by stone to America and rebuilt them. There was also hall full of Ancient Roman statues, beautiful garden courtyards with detailed mosaics and even a medieval section. There you could find suits of armour from around the world and a large selection of very cool weapons.

But by far some of the best fun I’ve had so far in NY was at night. The first night Cliff took me to see Rockefeller Centre. Because of the absolutely mental weather NYC was having they had yet to remove the major Christmas decorations.  The gigantic tree was still standing tall, brightly lit and packed from base to point with baubles and ornaments all lightly dusted with snow. Here I embarked upon on my first ever adventure on ice skates! Cliff tied my skates so tight I thought my feet would go numb.

My ankles don’t collapse in any further.

The last thing you want is to fall on your face ten feet away from your skates, he replied.

I was absolutely refused the privilege of holding onto the side and was only allowed to hold onto his arm or stand on my little lonesome! We glided forward so fast I thought for sure there was no way I wasn’t going to fall over. I was right, but after about the 4th time getting up it wasn’t too bad. But God do my legs feel like they have been doing the splits forwards, sideways and backwards!

Saturday night I lived the dream of finally seeing a Broadway show. Little did I know the embarrassment I would endure afterwards.

Avenue Q was the play of choice. It’s kind of like an adult version of Sesame Street. We had the largest man in the theatre sitting in front of us, but the tickets were a bargain! I very happily sat on my haunches and passed the sight problem back :-). It was fantastic! At the same time it was interesting trying to follow the dialogue, as the American accent was strong and sometimes hard to understand. It was like a mumble that sort of made sense.

There are three very important things I learnt from that musical:

The internet is for porn.

Puppet sex is by far the most awesome sex scene I have ever laid eyes on.

If you want to invest in a product that will not decrease in value during a GFC, invest in Porn.

And no, this is not a pornographic play for goodness sake, they’re puppets! And too cute for such risk-ay shenanigans.

It is at this point that I wish to say that Michael is a dead man. Mike, you better hope that you attend university in some far flung corner of the world that is so hidden from the eyes of society it takes years of hound dog tracking through the flipping Amazonian rainforest just to get a whiff of your passing! Otherwise I will catch you and tie you to a chair in front of my carefully selected montage of chick flick films. Then you will watch them play over and over and over in one long and torturous cycle that will drive you to a horrible and crazy end. Then we can finally send you off to the loony bin where we have always known you belong.

Many of you may know my beautiful red, ruffled umbrella, ‘Laani’, so vivid and bright in the gloomy rain. Her stem so easily collapsible into her compact handbag size. Her bone handle carved lovingly in mystic swirls and waves. I had found Laani at a trash and treasure market, she called to me and has served me faithfully for near on a decade. Sadly, Laani’s internal workings wore with time and required replacement.

Mike, in what I thought was a rare, but likely, fit of brotherly love offered to fix dear Laani and handed her to me just as I went to the airport to catch my NY plane.

To set the scene, Cliff and I have just exited Avenue Q. Outside crowds of New Yorkers and tourist mill, even though a steady rain is falling.

Ah, Cliff, I would like you to meet my trusty umbrella Laani. Laani, Cliff.

With a flourish I removed Laani from my bag and opened her to her full glory. She was appropriately admired by Cliff.

One, two, three…. We stepped into the deluge.

For Christ Sake It’s Raining!! Why Do You Only Let Me Out When It’s Raining?? Don’t Gape Like A Stunned Mullet, Get Out Of The Way!! Can’t You See It’s Pissing Down?

The voice was old and crotchety, high pitched like an irate grandmother.

Did You Not Bother To Watch The Weather Report Or Are You Just Too Stupid To Get Out Of The Rain?

What the…. I glanced around trying to find the annoying old lady disturbing the peace.

Yeah You Better Scurry Off, I Don’t Like Ugly People In My Vicinity.

But all I saw was a large crowd staring at Cliff and Me.

You Look Like A Drowned Rat! Yes I’m Talking To YOU! And You On The Left, Next To The Short Bloke. Next Time You Go Out In Public, Don’t Dress Like A Hussy! The voice let rip, hurling abuse from above.

Wait, I cried. From above? I looked up.

What Are You Doing Madeline? Stop Singing And Start Walking, That WILL Get You Out Of The Rain. Out Of The Way Pussies! You Act Like You Have Never Seen A Talking Umbrella Before.

Madeline why do you have an abusive, talking umbrella? Turn it o-off, Cliff shot from the corner of his mouth. He held his hands out to the crowd which was growing larger with each passing second.

You In Front! You Smell Like Stupid!

It…I….Laani has never…I’ve had her for ten years and not a…

Plumber’s Crack At 12 O’Clock!

Turn it off, he growled cheeks a dark red, embarrassment written all over his face.

He pulled Laani from my grasp, still telling off the audience at large, and closed her with a snap. But she continued, insulting an African American man here, a middle aged woman there.

You’re Seven! And You Have A Mobile Phone? Who Are You Going To Call? Elmo?

Is this a new Broadway show? someone called.

If it is that’s appalling, cried another.

Oi! Fatty! Stop Eating All That Fast Food, Get Off You Behind And Run. Run Pumpkin Pie, Run!

Holy hell the woman who just spoke was fairly large!

Right, that’s out of line, cried a voice.

Next To You, A Marshmellow Looks Intelligent! How Many Of You Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? Don’t Bother, You Look Better In the Dark!

So what else was there to do but get the hell out of there as a very irate security guard waddled towards us?

May Your Children Me Born With The Head Of A Dog.

We pounded around several corners.

Maybe If It Rained Harder All The Idiots Would Get Washed Away!

Finally, we found ourselves away from the main bulk of the crowd.

Whoever Gave You Permission To Wander Around In That Needs Their Eyes Checked…

Flipping Mike! I’m going to kill him! I’ll grip him around his scrawny neck until….until his insides are his outsides! And just, just…..AAaarrrhhhhhggg! Kill him dead!!!!

I’m not sure how hard I kicked the wall, however, while hopping around in pain I heard the last thing I expected. Laughter. Great big, heaving gasps of laughter. The kind of laughter that caused you to run out of breath and keel over unconscious. The type of laughter that would earn a hasty signature on an insane asylum admission form.

What A Wet Fish You Are, observed Laani.

Cliff was bent over double, rain (or possibly tears) streamed down his face. In the shop window I caught my reflection, face red and flushed, saturated hair forming large clumping tendrils and water flowing down my sopping clothes and into my shoes.

May All Of Your Pineapples Be Mediocre.

Suddenly it was all too funny; I dropped my hand to my knees and let it all out.

But sweet baby Jesus on a bicycle, Mike, you are a dead man walking.

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Wyate Yosime and 22 others like this.

Tim Gleeve That is comedy gold!! Your brother is a legend. I bow down to him as my god and ask him to teach me his ways. How to create utter chaos on the first dates of his friends and enemies, how to create an opportunity for stardom with each breath, how to turn an ordinary possession into an object of comic power!! Posted Monday 09:34 [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Livid If I were you Tim, when I arrive back in Oz, I would keep a VERY close eye on your Star Wars figurine collection, oh and your rare butterflies. Just a friendly warning. Posted 6hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Nwwahh Mad come on! It’s funny, it’s reversible. No need to threaten the goods. Posted 5hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Livid Now you have jeopardised the future of your toaster. You are treading on thin ice butterfly man. Posted 4hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Fine you win. Fun sucker. Posted 3hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain I AM LEGENDARY!! UNTOUCHABLE!! Chick flicks? You’ve got to catch me first! Posted Monday 10:00 [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve *smack!* ….. not so Untouchable now, are you?! See Mad, I can be a good friend. Posted 3hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Mike Cain You are a traitor to your gender. Posted 2hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale Oh Maddie your brother is a horrid beast!! To ruin your date like that? If my jaw wasn’t so bruised I would go to your house right now and give your brother a piece of my mind! And Tim don’t you DARE inflate Mike’s ego, or so help me god your sexual exploits coming out on Facebook will be the least of your troubles. Posted Monday 11:14 [Comment . Like]

Madeline Cain The Livid Seriously Kathy, I’ve been here just under a week and you think I’ve already sourced a boyfriend? It was not a date! Cliff is the only person I know in NYC and he is PAID to help me get settled. Is that all you picked up from my massive post? That Mike’s a twit and I went to a show with a male friend (NOT boyfriend)? I mean it’s very sweet that you offered to talk the ears off Mike (I do believe you are the only one he dreads) but not even a small comment about Central Park? Or even puppet sex??? Posted 6hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Tim Gleeve Come on Kathy! I already gave into Maddie. And I’m going out with that ugly mate of yours next week – the rang-er. Posted 3hrs ago [Comment . Like]

Kathy Bloomingdale She is a model! I had to twist her arm to get her to agree to even be in the same room as you! Red hair and freckles does not equate to ugly! And yes Maddie, the puppet sex is awesome. I loved your description on Central Park and your talk of wandering around the coolest museum of all time. It made me want to jump on a