Vivanna's Story

By Tamara White

The love between Vivianna and Raymond and the secrets surrounding Vivianna's identity send her running away from Lakeland and rejecting everything Lakeland represents. While on their own Raymond tries desperately to show her that life is more than over the top balls, and lavish things. But as much as Vivianna desires to escape the dysfunction of Lakeland and experience a reality where she can be free to live her truth it is her endless lust for expensive things and a grand lifestyle that brings her back with a toddler Grayson in tow. Vivianna sacrifices everything even her daughter, Grayson, to get back in her mother's good graces and reclaim her seat at the dysfunctional Harrow table.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rogue Phoenix Press
• Release date: Jun 15, 2019
• ISBN: 9781624204050

Book preview

Prologue

Raymond forced his fist through the boring green-colored kitchen wall of his two-bedroom apartment. His apartment with the paper-thin walls had gone from being his piece of paradise settled in the heart of an energetic and modest working-class neighborhood, to his nightmarish reality. Raymond wasn’t able to reconcile how eight hours earlier he was a man feeding his daughter breakfast and sharing a cup of coffee with the person whom he declared the love of his life; the woman who he would give his physical heart to if she needed it, and now he was a man left with bruised knuckles and a life void of his woman and his baby girl. Raymond grabbed the yellow metal and vinyl kitchen chair and slammed it against the wall. I did everything right. Everything she asked me to. I lived for her. I took care of her the best way I could, and she left me. She went back to that hellish horror of a family and took my daughter with her, my fucking daughter, my world. Leave me, fine. I’ll get over that. I can get another woman but don’t take my daughter. Especially not back there. Her love of rich people stuff finally destroyed us. Raymond grabbed the leg of the metal kitchen table and flipped it over with ease. The sound of the plates and the glasses from earlier striking the floor created a dysfunctional melody. Raymond needed the apartment to reflect the agony he felt. If he couldn’t go back in time and change things, talk some sense into her and stop her from leaving he would make every wall, and every piece of furniture pay for his inability to do so.

The sound of the familiar elderly voice of his downstairs neighbor, Mr. Borjarski, echoed through the parquet floor. Too loud. Too loud. Please, no more noise. It’s getting late. No more noise, please. Do construction in the morning. The morning is for construction, now is for relaxing and quiet.

Raymond knew the voice from downstairs too well. It greeted him with a warm hello when they first moved in. It reminded him not to work too hard and take time out for his family. The voice always had a piece of wisdom at the ready. Raymond thought about how many times Mr. and Mrs. Bojarski gleefully watched their daughter so he and Vivianna could steal a few hours alone. And with no children, the Bojarskis' cherished their surrogate grandma and grandpa time with Grayson, as much as Raymond and Vivianna valued date night. Raymond flipped up a kitchen chair and slumped down as he snatched the letter off of the floor. Raymond read the note over and over. Raymond’s chest constricted as he read all the vile names Vivianna had called him. Raymond studied how the letters formed her hate, how her left-handed penmanship forced the perfectly formed words into a hard slant. Her words bruised his heart and ravished his brain. Raymond had no idea who this man was she described in the letter. Raymond knew he wasn’t a perfect man, but he also knew he wasn’t even close to being the man she accused him of being in the letter.

Raymond had given Vivianna not just his heart but also his soul. Raymond showed her all of the vulnerability most women claim to want in a man and with her letter she threw it all back in his face. As much as Vivianna leaving hurt, it was the thought of never seeing Grayson again that pushed him to the brink of madness. Raymond couldn’t reconcile how Vivianna could take a daughter who was just as much his as hers away. Raymond knew two things: Grayson needed him as much as she needed her mother and Grayson didn’t need a damn thing from Lakeland. Helpless and hopeless were the emotions that filled Raymond as he thought about his destroyed family.

Chapter One

Raymond, you can pull over here. I’ll walk the rest of the way. Vivianna put on her best happy, casual voice as she tried to act as if all the sneaking around was customary for any relationship, but especially their relationship. Vivianna stared at the moonlit glow that reflected on the large ebony-colored wrought iron gate which marked the beginning of the drive of her family’s home, Lakeland Estates. Vivianna’s stomach constricted as the awkward drop-off ate at her. Vivianna knew she was wrong for hiding Raymond from her family, but she didn’t see any other way. Vivianna knew what was at stake if her personal life and Lakeland life collided. Vivianna hoped the date wouldn’t end the way it had the past. But the nagging twist in her stomach told her differently.

Raymond shifted into park. The rough sound of the idling engine mirrored the rough conversation they had had countless times in the past. "It’s late, and it’s dark. I’m not gonna let you walk up there alone, again. I’ve done it too many times against my better judgment. I’m not doing it anymore, Vivi. Raymond noted the distressed look on Vivianna’s face. He knew without her saying a word the problematic thoughts that filled every aspect of her mind. Vivianna’s silence gave Raymond the resolve he needed to purge his feelings. I’m a good man, Vivi. Do you hear me? I’m a damn good man. Raymond rested his large dark chocolate working man hands on the steering wheel. Raymond kept his onyx eyes focused on the darkness in front of them. I go to work every damn day. Even when I don’t feel well, if I’m not sick enough to go to the hospital, I take my ass to work. I pay my bills on time. I treat any woman I’m with better than I treat myself. I only put my hands on a woman to love her or hold her when she needs and wants it. I don’t take anything that doesn’t belong to me. I don’t run the streets. I’ve never been locked up, and I don’t have any children running around fatherless or otherwise. I take my liquor in moderation. I smoke a little weed when I feel the need, which only is once or twice a year. My only real vice is good loving from my woman. I don’t have much but everything I have I came by the legal way. Now, if that’s not enough for you let me know and we can part ways. Makes no sense to force a fit. But this dropping you off in the dark like we’re doing something wrong when everything is supposed to be right is bullshit. If I’m not who you want to be with, then tell me. Tell me right now. What do you want?"

Vivianna let an anxious laugh slip past her words. Listen, I know you’re a good man baby. That’s why I’m with you. You treat me better than any other man I’ve dated. Better than I even knew I wanted to be treated.

The question is, do you want me?

Yes, I want you, Ray. Vivianna nervously pushed her hair over to one side. I’ve never felt this good or this free before. And I like this feeling, and I don’t want it to end. I really don’t know why you’re getting angry with me, Ray. There is no reason for us to be angry at each other. We had a great time tonight. Vivianna used her cute sexy voice as her last-ditch effort to soften the mood in the truck. I don’t want to end the night with an argument. I just figured it’s late, I’m tired, and I know you are. There’s no need for you to drive all the way up the drive to the house. You have to make a weird turn around in the dark up there. I’m just thinking about you. I want my man to go home and get some rest for tomorrow night. Vivianna winked at Ray. An awkward silence lingered between them. Really, I think you’re making this more than it is. I’ve been dropped off at the bottom and walked up before. I know this place in the dark better than anyone. Short of a possible bug bite nothing is going to happen to me. I’ll be fine. I promise. Vivianna pushed a guilty smile across her face as she nervously wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans. She even added her famous spoiled girl pout for good measure.

Raymond let out a long frustrated sigh. Her flirty antics did not affect his frustration. All the way up the drive. Raymond huffed in annoyance. You act like I’m driving you to another state instead of to the front door, which, by the way, I would if you needed me to. I don’t know who these other guys were you were dealing with, but I’m not cool dropping you off like this. I don’t care if the worst is just a bug bite. It’s a bug bite you shouldn’t have to receive. Raymond shifted and turned his upper body towards Vivianna. Why won’t you let me be the man my parents raised me to be and drop you off at the front door? Why do you fight me on this? What is it, Vivi? What are you not telling me? Every time I bring you home, we end things the same way. Why? How much are you going to leave unsaid this time before you get out and walk to the house?

Vivianna felt the disappointment emitting off of Raymond. Raymond used his large hand to push the flyaway hair back behind Vivianna’s ear. It’s not you, Ray. I promise. It’s just... Vivianna lowered her head when she felt the glare of the headlights that headed towards them. Vivianna’s stomach knotted from the guilt. Sorry. Vivianna’s voice was barely a whisper.

Raymond pushed her chin up. That’s what I’m talking about, Vivianna. Even upset Raymond’s voice still possessed a soothing baritone sound. You duck and dodge every time you think someone might see you, see us. It’s been three months since we got together and this is the closest I have been to your parents’ home. Like I said, I’m a good man and if your father is half the man you say he is then he will have no issue with me. I treat you good, and I respect you. That’s what should matter to him.

Ray, my relationship with you is more important to me than anything I can think of. More important than I can put into words, and I don’t want me being a Harrow to ruin it for us. Being a Harrow has a strange way of closing as many doors as it opens. Besides, it’s not my father you have to be concerned with meeting. My father is the reasonable one. But his reason is no match for my mother’s ways. And Momma always gets her way, even when it’s not the right way.

How is your family going to ruin things for us? Unless your family is involved in something extremely outlandish or illegal, what is the deal about being a Harrow?

Raymond, you know how you say your mom is going to love me and how you can’t wait for me to meet her and the rest of your family?

Yeah, I spoke to Momma the other night. She can’t wait. My sister is getting on my nerves asking for an exact date. But that ain’t nothing new for Regina. She’s always on someone’s nerves about something. You’ll see. Good person, but just plain irksome at times. Raymond let out a soft chuckle when he thought about his sister.

"See that’s what I’m talking about Ray. Your family is—your family is for lack of a better word, is family. I mean mine is a family, but different, really different. My family isn’t like your family; hell, it’s actually the complete opposite. They don’t welcome all with open arms. The Harrows live by these rules. I don’t even know who came up with them, but they are what we all live by. The Harrows have standards, really high standards. And my mother is the type of woman who doesn’t compromise on those standards for anyone or anything. My mother could find a flaw in perfection. Everything we do, Cora, Jack, myself, has to be done the 'Harrow' way. Right or wrong, it’s the Harrow way, no exception, no discussion. Meeting my family isn’t all let’s talk and get to know each other, but more I’m going to interview you, damn near interrogate you and then I’ll decide if I want to expend the effort to get to know you. I need time to prepare them for you not meeting their standards. It’s going to be hard, but it could be worse if I don’t prepare them, and even then there’s no guarantee."

Raymond shifted again and rested his folded arms across his chest. Raymond didn’t care he was sitting partway in the road and blocking the gate. What standard ain’t I meeting, Vivi? Tell me. What part of who I am doesn’t meet your family’s standard? Is it because I work with my hands instead of putting on a suit and tie? Because wearing a suit doesn’t make a man a man. I know some well-dressed man-boys. They are as ignorant and foolish as the day is long, but they stay sharply dressed. Some of them gonna live with their mommas until the day she dies because no halfway respectable woman will have them. I don’t make enough money for them, is that it? If it’s that, then let me declare right now money don’t make you happy. Stuff can’t love you, and you can’t take any of the stuff you buy with you in the end. Everybody in the graveyard is broke.

Vivianna’s eyes watered as she cursed at herself. Raymond was everything Vivianna wasn’t supposed to want and yet everything she needed. This thing wasn’t supposed to go this far. Slumming in the city was never supposed to be this serious. Why can’t it be different? I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with a casual thing. Raymond was a reality check in dark chocolate form. Please. Vivianna’s tears flowed like water rushing towards the mouth of a river. I, I don’t do want to do this. I really want to be with you. You’re all I want. But, but I can’t do this with them right now. I just can’t. Please, I can’t. I just want it to be you and me right now. I want to say goodnight without you being mad at me. I don’t want to bring the other stuff into it. I don’t like dealing with the other stuff. Can’t it just be you and me right now and that’s it?

Okay, okay. Vivianna’s tears made Raymond quickly surrender his position. Raymond never liked to see a woman cry, especially his woman. Okay, he whispered again. Raymond brushed Vivianna’s tears off of her flawless face. We won’t do this now. I don’t like to see you so upset.

Vivianna shook her head in agreement.

But we are going to do this at some point. Soon, Vivianna. Do you understand me? There is going to be a day where I am going to go up there, and I am going to introduce myself to your parents. I’m going to extend my hand to your father and if he’s a real man he’ll shake it, and if your mother is a real woman, she’ll shake it too. Damn all the standards and rules. It will go good or it’ll go bad. But either way, I’ll still love you. Raymond’s stern baritone let Vivianna know he meant what he said.

Vivianna shook her head several more times as she composed herself. Vivianna smiled as she looked at Raymond and a wave of relief washed over her. She had delayed the inevitable for at least one more night. Vivianna knew Raymond had no idea how bad or how far an introduction could escalate. I have to go.

Raymond leaned in and kissed her. Vivianna loved the way his full lips felt against hers. Everything thing Raymond did he did it with confidence. His kisses were no exception. They were demanding and meaningful. Vivianna loved how his self-assurance made her feel. She admired how free he was in being himself. Raymond was unlike the men she grew up around. He didn’t put a whole lot of stock into trends and acquiring pointless things. He could care less which actor was dating which actress. Words like Chanel, Louis Vuitton, and Mercedes-Benz carried no weight with him. Right or wrong, Raymond was the type of guy who owned his failures as well as his successes, and he humbled himself to learn there were lessons in both.

The manliness he exuded was intoxicating. Raymond was powerful and gentle at the same time. Vivianna dated boys who went to the best schools and had the best formal upbringing, yet they didn’t treat her with the level of care and respect Raymond did. Vivianna didn’t want to, but she knew she had to pull herself away. I have to go, or I’ll be neck high in trouble with Momma. Pick me up Saturday night?

Saturday night? What happened to Saturday afternoon? I can pick you up at the front door around eleven or twelve. Raymond leaned in and kissed her again. His eyes would not allow Vivianna to break his stare. Raymond gently rubbed his nose against her. Vivianna giggled back at him.

I can’t. We have to spend all day tomorrow with Momma’s parents. Vivianna rolled her hazel-green eyes. Trust me, I would rather be with you instead. Papa is okay, but Grand-Mère is another story. Her mood determines how well the visit goes. I already know I’m going to catch hell when she finds out I took the semester off. Papa is all about us being free spirits and doing what makes us happy. Grand-Mère only cares about what looks right. If it doesn’t involve lineage and raise your status in society, it’s not worth doing as Grand-Mère would say. It’s all about how we look to the outside. Vivianna twisted her face.

She sounds wonderful in a mean old grandma kinda way.

Vivianna couldn’t control the giggle that escaped her lips.

Your laugh is one of my favorite sounds. It lifts my spirits every time I hear it. If I could catch it in a jar and save it to listen to later, I’d have countless jars on my shelves.

Wow, I’ve never had anyone so in love with my laugh. It’s sweet, really sweet.

I meant every word of it. Now, is there any way my sweet words convinced you to meet me in the afternoon tomorrow instead of in the evening?

I wish I could baby, but...

Okay. You don’t have to explain it again. I understand. You can’t do the afternoon. Raymond smiled before he kissed her again. "I’ll wait for Saturday night. I’ll pick you up at seven. Don’t panic, I won’t come to the door yet. But one minute past seven-thirty, and I’m driving up and ringing the bell. I’m only giving you thirty minutes because I know you’ll need time to plan your escape."

Thank you.

I’ll even have something special planned. A surprise.

What is it? Vivianna’s eyes lit up.

You wanna know what it is?

She pushed him playfully in the chest. You know I do! What is it? Tell me, please.

You really wanna know? You don’t want to wait for Saturday night? Raymond’s grin widened. He loved the way her eyes scintillated with excitement. Saturday night is not that far away, Raymond teased with his broad smile.

No, tell me. Tell me now.

Raymond loved how her face lit up from excitement. Okay, okay, Vivi I’ll tell you what I have planned. Raymond took a deliberate pause. What I have planned for Saturday night is, he chuckled at the way Vivianna’s looked like she was going to come off the seat, what I have planned is...a surprise. That’s what I have planned. Raymond let out a huge laugh that matched his velvety voice.

Really, Ray, really. Vivianna playfully pushed him again. You’re not funny at all.

Yeah, I am, and the look on your face, priceless. Vivianna shoved him in the chest again. Raymond kissed her again. You had better get before I change my mind and drive off with you.

Vivianna kissed Raymond again. Raymond watched as she walked up the extended drive. He studied how her hips moved as she walked along the pebbled driveway. Even with the uneven ground under her feet, Vivianna was determined to stay poised. Raymond smiled at the bounce in her curls. Vivianna turned briefly and smiled before she disappeared into the late night.

~ * ~

Vivianna hummed softly as she quietly opened the back door. Vivianna wasn’t surprised when she saw Cora at the kitchen table, her yellow nightgown peaking through her baby blue bathrobe and a head full of soft pink rollers with a flowered scarf tied around her head. Cora, with the same green eyes Vivianna possessed, barely looked up as she demolished a plate of leftovers.

You’re late. Cora crammed a fork full of mashed potatoes into her chubby smooth-edged light brown face.

And you’re eating. Vivianna sat next to her sister and snatched a chicken wing off of her plate.

"Hey, get your own. You know Momma’s gonna have a fit when she finds out you came home late again." Cora attacked the two-day-old macaroni and cheese next.

Who’s gonna tell her? It’s just you and me in the kitchen. If you out me you have to out yourself. And we both know how Momma feels about the love affair you have with the refrigerator.

Yeah, but if it gets you in trouble, then it’s more than worth it to have to deal with Momma. Cora smiled at her sister as she shoved more food on top of the already half chewed pasta in her mouth. Or you could loan me that sweater, and I won’t tell.

Vivianna tossed the chicken bones carelessly back on Cora’s plate. Cora please, you’re too big to fit this sweater or anything of mine for that matter. A cashmere blanket is what you need, and even that would be tight on you. Vivianna admired how the soft vanilla color of her sweater played against her skin tone and hugged her breast. Vivianna stopped laughing when she looked up and saw the hurt look in her sister’s eyes. Cora let the fork fall out of her plump fingers. Cora fought every day to lose weight and the more she struggled, the more she ate. Most nights Cora snuck down to the kitchen and ate a plate filled with a double portion of everything from dinner while she cried. Thankfully the one time Cora fell asleep during a food binge Momma Mae found her in the morning before Emily did. Vivianna played her role as the pretty younger sister who could make any man stop in mid-stride to perfection and Cora mastered being the tubby older sister whom everyone pitied and whispered what a waste her face is so pretty about behind her back.

Vivianna tilted her head down to draw her sister’s eyes up. Sorry.

No, you’re not. You do it too often to be sorry about it. Anger mixed with self-pity as Cora spoke. Fat Cora. The one you and Jack berate and torment until one of you needs a paper written or a co-conspirator in the lies y’all tell. When the two of you are sneaking in and out with God knows who from God knows where to wherever you two go. Then it’s fat Cora to the rescue. Fat Cora to clean up the messes you two make and make it all look like it never happened.

If that’s really how you feel maybe we can get you a cape with a big fat F on it for your birthday. You can put it on and swoop in like a real superhero next time.

Cora shook her head and fought her tears. Fuck you, Anna. Fuck you and everything about you.

Oh, stop it. It was a damn joke, Cora. Why the hell are you so sensitive tonight? Are you on your period because I’m not saying anything you haven’t heard before? Why is tonight the night you grow a set of feelings?

I’ve always had feelings Anna, it’s just you and Jack, and everyone else in this damn house have never given a damn about my feelings. No one in this family gives a damn about me, just the number on the damn scale. I’m so tired of the whole damn family making fun of my weight. I am fat, but I’m still a fucking person. You think I like being this way?

Then lose the damn weight, Cora, if you don’t like it. Put down the fucking fork and lose it.

I’ve tried! Don’t you think I’ve tried? It’s not as easy as you say it is miss skinny and pretty without trying. It’s hard really hard. I could wire y jaw shut tomorrow and be ten pounds heavier in three days.

Well, I can’t argue with your skinny and pretty comment. Vivianna’s signature devilish grin raced across her face. I am amazing.

You never miss an opportunity to make something about me about you, do you? Once again, fuck Cora and her feelings. Just go to bed, Anna, and leave me alone. We both know I’m not going to tell Momma you missed curfew. Cora snatched the fork off the plate and consumed another mouthful of food.

Vivianna watched in silence as Cora ate. Vivianna studied how Cora barely swallowed before she shoved another fork full in her mouth. There ore she ate the harder she slammed she fork into the plate. Vivianna noticed how Cora ate like a drug addict who didn’t want to get high but had no choice because the psychological beast within her demanded satisfaction.

Sorry. Vivianna never really considered how all of the rude comments made Cora feel. Emily had convinced Jack and Vivianna that Cora liked being spoken down to because if she didn’t, she would have lost the weight. Being fat is a