Perpetuality: A Perplexed Perpetual Reality with Illusions of Delusions Volume 1

By Allana Davis

Heed the red flags!! Allana Davis explains her own past experiences with toxic relationship behaviors involving jealousy, physical, emotional, mental, and financial abuse. She gives valuable insights into situations and circumstances in a unfaithful and unhealthy relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Allana Davis
• Release date: Oct 17, 2020
• ISBN: 9780578240237

Book preview

cover-image, PERPETUALITY

PERPETUALITY

(A Perplexed Perpetual Reality with Illusions of Delusions)

VOLUME 1

__________

Allana Davis

(PERPETUALITY)

Copyright © 2020 by (Allana Shirelle Davis)

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the author.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to the women whose lives were taken by the hands of domestic violence, the women that did not make it out, the victims who did not survive. I am grateful, blessed, and fortunate to have lived; to be able to share my story; to help other victims who are still struggling with the decision to leave; and to shed some light for the victims’ families and friends so they can know what domestic violence looks, feels, and sounds like.

And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.

2 Corinthians 11:14

Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

BETTER FOR ME

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

JUST THE CLOTHES ON MY BACK

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

I CAN BREATHE

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

YOU'RE THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN GOD CREATED YOU TO BE

Chapter Nine

Acknowledgments

Introduction

This book is about my experience with domestic violence. I want my readers to understand the details of what a woman really goes through behind closed doors; details of things that, most of the time, her family and friends have no clue about. I want my story to help women who are currently experiencing domestic violence to have the courage to leave. I’m sure it will also answer a lot of questions for victims and their families, or anyone who needs confirmation that they are in a toxic and abusive relationship, but still doubts themselves.

Chapter One

Lana, what the hell is going on? Why are you in jail? Where is Raymond?

High school sweethearts—that’s what I thought we were in the beginning. I would always notice—and you couldn’t help but notice—this young, brown-skinned man of medium build, about five foot nine, with a very infectious smile and a personality that changed the atmosphere. When he walked in he was loud and boisterous. That’s why I noticed him or paid him any attention, as he walked behind my register as I was itemizing my customer’s purchase.

Who the hell is this, talking all loud? I said to myself. I tried not to look at him. I did my best to focus and really act like I was concentrating on the order. I was praying that my nervousness wasn’t showing.

How are you doing? he asked.

Fine, how are you?

"I’m good. Thanks for asking. How do you say your name? All-ah-na?"

"No, it’s All-a-na. The second ‘A’ is long," I said, correcting him with a grin.

Oh, I’m sorry Allana.

That’s okay.

I’m Golden.

Oh, Golden, I said, grinning from ear to ear.

You have a very pretty smile, he said flirtatiously.

Thank you.

What time you get off?

In about half an hour, 7:30.

I was seventeen when I met him at Wegmans, a grocery store where we both worked. I was a cashier and he worked in the helping hands department, pushing carts and assisting customers load their groceries into their vehicles. He came through my line one day with one item, a sixteen-ounce Sprite. The customer before him had over 300 dollars’ worth of groceries, and on top of that, there were too many express lines open. I knew something was up. And what do you know—after introducing himself, he asked if he could meet me outside when I clocked out. I was so shy when I talked to him. I gave him my phone number and he gave me his on a piece of paper, with the name Golden written on it. I felt like I was on top of the world then. I had this five foot nine, light-skinned man named Golden, with big, luscious lips and a bright smile, asking for my phone number.

I had just gotten out of another relationship a few months prior, it was my junior year, and my prom was around the corner. I thought meeting Golden was right on time. I came to find out he was in a program called Life’s Choices at Monroe Community College in downtown Rochester, New York, where I was getting tutoring for a Geometry course I was taking at East High School. He would come to see me at the times he knew I was getting tutored.

After one of my tutoring sessions, Golden came to see me as usual. As he sat across from me at the table smiling, he said, What the hell is that on your cheek?

I was so fucking embarrassed. It's a pimple, I said in a calm, hesitant voice.

That's a goddamn zit, he said, laughing out loud. I laughed along with him as if he hadn't hurt my feelings.

Within the first two months of talking to Raymond, which was Golden’s real name, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. We left around the same time for different trips around spring break. He was going on a Black College trip with a group from Monroe Community College (MCC). He gave me his information, his agenda, rather, so I could get in touch with him. That made me feel really good, like I could trust him.

I was on honor roll, and my grades got me into the Jasco program, which would prepare me to receive a scholarship for college. As one of the top three students, I was chosen to go on the Black College Tour for free. All I had to bring was spending money.

Out of all the colleges I visited down south from state to state, I wanted to attend Clark Atlanta University in Atlanta, Georgia. (I absolutely love Atlanta, where I sit right now as I write my story. I’m in my favorite spot at the Underground, in front of the waterfalls.)

When I arrived back home from the Black College tour and got back to school, I heard through a classmate that went on the same college tour as Raymond that he had been dealing with another female. It was his ex-girlfriend, Shauna. She said that they had been kissing and hugging on the roller coaster at Busch Gardens, and even had sex.

I confronted him about the issue over the telephone. He said they had just talked and that they got in an argument. Of course, I believed him. He said I couldn’t believe rumors from other people. He said it was all lies.

I remember inviting a good friend from Chicago, Chris, to go to church with me. Chris worked at the same grocery store. After church, I was afraid because Raymond was there too. I wanted to invite my friend Chris over for dinner, like my mom asked me to, but feeling intimidated by Raymond, I completely cut Chris short, and I knew I had offended him. I never saw or talked to Chris again.

That was just of one of many red flags I had already experienced within just a few months of dating Raymond. He had made it clear that he was the only man that I was to give my attention to.

* * *

As Raymond yelled my name up the stairs of my house, I got an awkward feeling and the atmosphere became uncomfortable. I felt out of place, and I could hear all my family in the house asking, Why is he yelling her name like that?

Let’s go, Lana! he yelled in a rushing and controlling voice. Like I had to hurry up, or else.

He had rented a white compact car for us, and my two male friends from church, my sister, and my cousin were supposed to follow us. We were going to Darien Lake for Grand Nite. For junior and seniors from local area high schools, the amusement park opened late, from 12 a.m. until about 7 a.m. I don’t remember saying much of anything in the car. I remember him doing a whole lot of speeding, asking him to slow down, and being on pins and needles. I was unhappy that night, and so uncomfortable. As much as I loved Darien Lake, I had such a horrible time, especially after he got an attitude and walked off. I ended up going home with my sister, cousin, and two male friends. More red flags appeared, and I just ignored them. Month after month, year after year, it would continue to get worse.

On my junior prom night, Raymond tried to have sex with me. I liked the hugging, kissing, and touching, but I didn’t have sex with him. I was a virgin. He didn’t believe I was, because most of the girls or young women my age already had kids.

It wasn’t long until I did have sex with him, about seven months into the relationship. One night after I got off work, he took me to his place where he lived with his grandparents, Mr. and Mrs. Perry. He picked me up and carried me up the stairs so we wouldn’t them wake up. He lit a candle and played some slow music. I was turned on, but scared at the same time. He was making me feel so damn good. I was comfortable. Then he said, Just let me stick the head in. I let him, of course, and after that it was a rap, I was open. We told each other I love you, and yes, I felt like I was in heaven on earth, when he went down and made love to me with his big-ass juicy lips. I was hooked.

My grades dropped tremendously. I started skipping a majority of my classes and hanging out pass curfew, sometimes not coming home until the next day. On one occasion, my mom called his grandparents’ house to see where I was. We had my mom’s car that night, and I was still out after two or three in the morning. We were in the part of the basement Raymond had fixed up as his bedroom. Mr. Perry, his grandfather, called Raymond on his cell phone to see where we were. Even though we were right downstairs in the basement, he lied and said that we had just picked up my Aunt Charmaine from the Amtrak train station and dropped her off at home. I couldn’t sneak out and leave until they went to bed.

Eventually, Raymond got his own apartment, and after I barely graduated high school, I moved in with him. My mother was furious. If it hadn’t been for the Lord Jesus Christ, my mother, and summer school, I would not have graduated high school. I had already encountered mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. In spite of it all, I still stayed with Raymond and thought I was in love.

We got into an argument, I don’t remember what about. He threw me on the bed and held me down tight with his hands around my wrists. I believe he got mad because I had talked back to him, and he didn’t like it. My brother Andre was in the other room. I didn’t want him to know what was going on, so I kept quiet. It hurt like hell, especially when I saw his fingerprints on my skin. I thought I was wrong and to blame for his behavior.

I tried to hide the fingerprints, but my mother noticed one evening when I went to her house. I think I had forgotten all about them. She said I better not let my stepdad, Melvin, or my dad, William, find out Raymond’s putting his hands on me. That’s if I didn’t want any trouble.

No matter what my mother or anybody else said, I continued to stay with him. She encouraged me to get out of the relationship. She knew it wasn’t good, but I wasn’t listening.

* * *

My first suspicion that Raymond was cheating on me was when he was living with his grandparents. I went downstairs in the basement to his bedroom, and he had an 8x10 picture of his ex-girlfriend Shauna—not my picture. My feeling was that he’d had her in his room sometime before I got there. I didn’t say anything at first, because deep down I knew he was going to give me an excuse. I don’t even remember what it was he said, but I accepted it. My self-esteem had already vanished. I had none.

While I was there, he would put the cordless phone by him, answer it, get up, and walk out the door. I knew he was going to see Shauna around the corner. This happened on plenty of occasions. Later down the line, I started finding condoms, pictures, and phone numbers of other women. I left him, but kept going back for more pain.

I remember having to go to the clinic one day because something was just not right with me. I was having a nasty discharge. I found out that I had trichomoniasis, a sexually transmitted disease (STD). I don’t remember what excuse Raymond had for that. Shauna was calling more frequently and hanging up the phone when I answered. One day, she left a message that she had gone to the doctor and had been diagnosed for the same STD.

Shauna and I talked on a couple of occasions. She told me things about how he’d been with her and when. She was able to repeat conversations that Raymond and I had—things I know she couldn’t have made up. At the time, Shauna and I attended the same college. We were going to approach Raymond about his cheating when he came to pick me up from school. Somehow, he found out. I’m sure she told him, because I sure as hell didn’t. He never picked me up from school. I was naïve, because for all I know she could’ve set me up and tried to get me jumped. Shauna and I caught the RTS bus together, and still wanted