Ideally Imperfect

By Arwen Jayne

Her marriage long ago in ashes, her father estranged, disliked by many, Alys stands on the deck of her home, looking at the stars. It’s time for a change. Time to be grateful for what she does have. Volunteering her skills at the local online access center she meets another refugee of fate. Their strong bond of friendship will be the start of a rollercoaster ride through creating their own reality. A reality peopled by aliens, artificial intelligence and one sarcastic spaceship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Arwen Jayne
• Release date: May 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463032152

Arwen Jayne

My passion is writing paranormal fantasy romance with a metaphysical twist. When I'm not writing I'm either reading other people's romance and erotica novels, gardening or learning about the myriad of things that interest me: meditation, brain change, metaphysics, linguistics, genetics, myths, magic and the odd bit of science and engineering.

Book preview

Disclaimer

This is a piece of fiction, enjoy it but if you’re looking for science facts you might find it lacking. The story is purely a creation of my imagination.

Acknowledgements

To all my friends, fans and family for their ongoing encouragement.

Cover photo credit

Photographer/artist: Brigitte Werner

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/high-tech-binary-numbers-face-woman-185146

Pixabay License, free for commercial use, No attribution required

Dedication and Author’s Note

Readers may wonder what possessed me to turn Alys from book 1 of this series into the heroine of this story. Compassion. I wanted a better future for her. At the time I’d started going over my maths, hoping one day to get past college algebra. Why would an escapee from the rat race need maths? For the same reasons as Tess I guess. Not so much for spaceflight but certainly to better understand the fascinating world around me. The fascinating patterns fractals make. How crystals and snowflakes form their beautiful shapes. Working out designs for craft projects. Calculating how much compost I need for my latest garden patch. So I’d hereby like to dedicate this book to all those who aspire, whatever their age. And to all those hard working unpaid unacknowledged adult literacy and numeracy volunteers who help people with the skills to create a better reality for themselves. This one’s for you.

1

A week ago I’d woken at three in the morning. With much playing on my mind I’d stepped out onto the wooden deck of my home and stared at the stars, losing myself in their beauty and vastness of the cosmos. Somewhere in that moment’s inner peace I’d made myself a promise, to no longer go on as I had. No I didn’t mean to end it all, although given the mess I’d made of things I guessed no-one except my father might blame me or even miss me. No, not that. I was here on this planet with a good fifty plus years still ahead of me and I damned well wasn’t going to stuff up my life any longer. How? I hadn’t a clue. But I could make a small start. Big things often had small starts. I just needed to keep my intent clear. There had to be someway I wouldn’t forget it.

So the next day I’d gone and changed my name by deed poll to Gratia to remind me to be grateful and to do things for others for no reason other than they were the right thing to do. I couldn’t undo my first twenty-eight years on the planet but I could move forward. Maybe, just maybe, if I poured my gratitude for life back into it I could create a different life to the one I’d had.

I fingered the gold wedding band that still clung stubbornly to my finger, a reminder of my ex. My heart softened with missing him and with regret. Another force still acting on me. I knew I’d been the one to finally drive him away. I surely knew he deserved a better life. I hoped wherever he was in this vast universe he was happy and his life unfolding into the best it might be.

Hell, if I kept on reminiscing like this I’d be in no fit state to do what I’d offered to do.

It was Saturday morning. The manager of the online access center, an elderly woman of indeterminate age but a welcoming smile that set me at ease, came out to greet me. You must be Gratia Sullivan, I’m Jackie Gray, so pleased to meet you. We get so few people of your calibre offering their services like this. Come in. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.

The ‘center’ was little more than a collection of half a dozen smallish rooms. Leaflets and flyers clung to the walls. A few tables were dotted around the place, each with a somewhat outdated computer. An urn of hot water bubbled quietly to itself in the corner, next to a sink and some neatly stacked mugs, Nice setup you have here, quaint but workable.

Jackie, sighed, we need more room actually, but funding’s tight.

I would have thought there was a great need for the services you offer here. It had to be in the community’s best interest to empower people to improve their lives.

Jackie shrugged, There is, but there’s few votes to be had in helping adults master the skills of reading, writing, computers and numbers. The government is keen on the feel-good media opportunities we give them but not so forth coming on the dollars. Ah, but I’m whinging. That’s not why you’re here.

You said you have a young lady who’s keen to learn a bit of maths.

Jackie beamed, Oh I think ‘a bit’ is understating it. I think if you two click you’ll find she’s voracious in her desire to learn. She should be here any minute, idly she glanced at her watch and frowned. Er, punctuality isn’t one of her assets though.

We both looked up as the door creaked open. A petite woman entered, just this side of twenty, scrawny as all hell, bright blue streaks in her hair and a grin from ear to ear. Her clothing, if you could call it that, comprised kneeless jeans and a red flannel shirt with cut-off sleeves, showing off the cute tattoo of a kitten playing with a ball of wool , Um sorry, caught the wrong bus and it decided to go the long way round.

Jackie laughed, as if this was normal, Tess McCubbin, this is Gratia Sullivan.

Wow, you’re prettier than I thought you’d be?

Um, how should I respond to that? You had an image of me in your head?

Yeah, you know, a retired maths teacher, brown wool cardigan and a stern look.

It was my turn to laugh, You’ve just described my father, although he’s a professor of cosmology. And yes he wears a brown wool cardigan. As for his stare, well let’s not go there. I’m hoping to make a change in my life though and get off the path he’s mapped out for me.

Tess looked up at me with genuine approval, Good for you.

Jackie looked between us and seemed happy, I’ll leave you two to get to know each other and map out a learning plan. I’ll be in the back office if you need me.

Thanks J, Tess gave her a thumbs up. She turned to me, Fancy a drink Miss Sullivan?

Gratia, please. Uh, is it a help yourself with the tea?

Yeah, just put twenty cents in the jar, else Jackie ends up paying for it out of her own pocket.

Tess found a cup she thought suited me. I didn’t know what to think of her choice. The first day of the rest of your life, it said in big bold letters. Was Tess psychic or something? But I dismissed that as the hogwash I knew it to be. No one was psychic. That was illogical, magical thinking and you can be assured that my dad had ground any inclination, towards believing in it, out of me at a very early age.

I was reluctantly weaning myself off coffee so I sipped at a chamomile instead, determined to get used to the taste and the smell of the herb. Calming I’d been told. So why do you want to learn maths Tess?

Because, she held out her hand and began to count on the fingers, One, I don’t want to follow my family’s career. Crime, she added when she noticed my wondering look, Two, I think I have the head for it but I’ve never had a chance to really pursue it. Three, the teacher at high school was a hopeless dick and left me with more questions than answers. I think he was only teaching math because they couldn’t find anyone to fill the job. High school just left me with a lot of bits that didn’t seem to make a whole. Four, I’ve muddled along with a few old texts I got at the charity shop but I don’t know where to begin. She got to her little finger, Five, I’m sure there are holes in my understanding but I’m not sure where.

So you’re keen, I can see that. But you still haven’t really told me why. Other than escaping the fate your family would throw at you why maths? You could get a job easy enough as a cleaner or supermarket shelf stacker.

Gah, no thanks. Look I know I’m being greedy Gratia but I’ve always had this dream. To go to university, study jet propulsion systems or something like it and get a job at NASA.

I didn’t bother pointing out that NASA was in America and that Australia didn’t have a space program as such. The government was murmuring about it but I doubted they really understood the costs involved. Funnily enough Tess’s dream wasn’t much different to the dream I’d once had but then my dad had intervened and told me if he was funding my degree I’d study proper maths, pure maths that is. Geoffrey was only interested in theoretical physics not the more practical side of making things like space flight possible. So my dreams of studying remote sensing systems or the physics of getting to other planets were railroaded. Though my lost dreams gave me a fair idea of how big Tess was dreaming I wasn’t about to squash hers, not unless her abilities indicated a need for a reality check. Well you’re right. To do that you will definitely need good maths skills as they underpin most engineering, technology and applied maths degrees. Shall we test your skills and find out where your strengths and weaknesses are?

And so we began our relationship. A relationship, that considering the student-teacher scenario, was surprisingly one of equals. We felt a bond. Two kindred souls, rebelling against our upbringings, trying to make the best futures for ourselves, or in my case remake. We quickly became best friends, meeting outside our designated time to, well, just chat and be girls. I’d never really been ‘a girl’. My mum dying when I was little more than two, my dad had had to raise me and he’d done it his way. From day one I’d been groomed for a professorship, like him.

So it came as no surprise when Tess rang me one night, but her reason did.

I need to hide Graz, she used her pet name for me.

Your dad still pressuring you to do that safe cracking job?

Yeah.

Best get your butt over here then, I teased. At the back of my mind though I knew the seriousness of the situation. Her father, high up in the local crime syndicate, was trying to rope her into his career much like my father had tried to do for me. I’d managed to escape, taking a lucrative job as a data analyst, much to dad’s fury. Tess didn’t have the credentials to pursue such a chance. Not yet. And if the louts that comprised her family turned up at my door I wasn’t sure what we’d do. After ending the call I went out on my deck and, as had become my custom of late, had a little chat with the stars. You know we need some help here, don’t you? It was completely illogical talking to inanimate stars but it made me feel better even if I could just about hear well ingrained injunctions, in my father’s voice, berating me for putting my faith in anything outside myself. Shut up, I told the memories. If I wanted to pretend the stars were my friends I would. My life. My choice.

2

I showed Tess my spare room and indicated the chest of drawers. Stow your things in here. I’ll go make us a bite to eat. I have to warn you though, I’m still a newbie with the vegetarian cuisine.

Can you do a hot and spicy dahl? Tess wondered.

Simple enough, Yeah I can do that. My naturopath's got me off the chili peppers but I can put enough nigella seeds, ginger and vietnamese mint in to it to give it quite a punch.

Tess gave me a thumbs up, Cool, then went to unpack her things. She wandered into the kitchen a short while later, a business card in her hand, This was in one of the drawers. I didn’t know if it was something important.

I looked at the card and sighed. Was the universe giving me a nudge? When my husband was trying to save our marriage he suggested I go and see a counsellor, to get help with my issues. I told him to shove his suggestion up his, well you can guess. So he went instead. I think the counsellor helped him a lot, cope with me that is. But watching him build such inner calm for himself, not taking things personally and learning to ‘handle me’ only reminded me of my own shortcomings. One fateful night it all blew up big time and I… A flood of tears descended down my cheeks.

Shit Graz, I didn’t mean to pry.

No, I want you to know. If you want to end our friendship after I’ve told you I’ll understand.

Tess  came over and hugged me. I didn’t know whether that was going to help or make me melt down further, I’m listening, she prompted. Not an order, just an offer to lend an ear.

I stabbed him in a fit of rage Tess. The ambulance came and carted him away. The police arrested me and locked me up for the night but once the hospital released him he told them he wasn’t pressing charges. He did want a divorce though. He told me he’d done all he could but for his own sake he needed to walk away, I looked into Tess’s eyes and expected condemnation or even pity but all I saw reflected back at me was understanding.

Thank you for telling me Graz. This explains so much. The volunteering at the center, the ring on your finger, your efforts to ditch caffeine and eat better.

You walking out on me Tess?

Hell, Graz. Of course not. Why would you even think it? Shit, I’ve seen my gran throw more than a few plates at dad when she’s pissed. Not so much now she’s gone through menopause though. It’s all just hormones Graz. They strip your soul bare once a month. It’s just you had a lot of triggers, a lot of issues, that bubbled to the surface whenever you hit that time of the month. No I’m not excusing what you did but I’m not judging you either. I understand why.

Tess, I still have those issues. I’m managing them better now I’m seeing a naturopath. She’s helped a lot.

That’s really good. You’ve made a good start but the issues are still there. Managing them is only wrapping them in cotton wool. They’ll just wait until one day the cotton wool’s not there and come out and bite you she tapped the card thoughtfully then she studied my face with equal earnestness, as if trying to see something. Analysis over she smiled at me, You’re ready to deal with them.

Was I? I guess I am.

Will you let me come with you, support you through this as you’ve supported me with the maths?

Would I? I think I’d never asked for help from anyone, except the stars in the night sky. Maybe the stars were saying it was time to accept help, Okay, I’ll call her tomorrow.

Uh uh, Tess shook her head, I know her office won’t be open right now but if you ring up and leave a message that you want an appointment you will have put out to the universe that you have a clear intent.

She was right. I took my phone out and made the call. Leigha, you don’t know me but my ex husband was a client of yours. He recommended you. I was wondering if I could get an appointment when you have an opening free. I’m working from home tomorrow so you can call me on this number. I gave her my name, my current name. I didn’t want her pre-judging me.

Tess gave me another firm hug as I hung up the phone, Let’s go see to that dahl.

We’d just finished dinner and had settled down with some maths books when the doorbell rang. Before I could panic that it might be Tess’s family a familiar voice call out, Anyone home?

That’s my dad, I’d best go let him in. He doesn’t like to be kept waiting.

Nah let me, Tess offered, It’s time I met the big bad. Her eyes gleamed mischievously. Uh oh. She opened the door, G’day Geoff, nice to meet you. Graz’s spoken so much about you I feel I already know you.

Geoffrey, in his favorite brown cardigan, stared at her stunned. she has she? And you would be?

You can call me Tess. We’ve got some food going in the kitchen. Care to join us? Not waiting for his reply she walked up to me and gave me a cuddle and a friendly peck on the cheek. Mmm, food smells good darling.

I choked but she pretended not to notice. Setting the table for three and acting like she was right at home. How she’d found where I stashed the knives and forks so quick I couldn’t guess.

Geoffrey watched us both intently, trying to work out what was going on. I decided to play Tess’s game, for the fun of it. Now there was a change, Can you put on the kettle, Tess, love?

Sure thing. What you have to drink Geoff?

Er, coffee?

Ah, Tess rummaged through the cupboard, Sorry, looks like we’re just out of that. We’ve got chamomile, lemon balm or rooibos.

Geoffrey wrinkled his nose, Just a glass of water thanks. So, you two living together?

Er, yes dad, well it was true even if it was only for tonight and my guest was in the guest room. If he wanted to misunderstand that I could play along.

When were you going to tell me, daughter? He sounded grumpy and daughter was what he now tended to call me as he refused to use my new name and I’d refused to talk to him if he used my old one. A stalemate but we were working at it.

Ah, sort of happened so quick dad, I passed a bowl of dahl to him, Hope you like lentils.

He made a face but accepted it with good grace. So how’d you both meet?

I decided it was time for a bit of truth, Actually we met because I’m tutoring Tess in maths and before you get all antsy about me having a relationship with a student we’re just pulling your chain. Tess is my best friend though and she is staying here tonight. In the guest room.

Aw. You told him, Tess pouted, "I was having such fun.

To give him credit Geoffrey’s jaw flapped a bit and then he smiled, amused, good grief. Show me what she’s teaching you Tess.

Tess went and grabbed her books.

Why don’t you show him your proof of Stoke’s theorem? I suggested. The theorem underpinned much of vector calculus and differential geometry so I was sure it would impress him. It had me.

Tess pulled out a few sheets of paper and sat down next to dad, This is how I see it Geoff, and she began to write her proof.

Geoffrey’s eyes widened. He ran his fingers through the proof, just to double check it. Incredible. So you’re at university.

Not yet. Graz just spent the last while coaching me through my year 11 and 12. Got me onto an accelerated open learning course through the online center. I just got my results back today. Want to see?

I stopped what I was doing, You didn’t tell me Tess.

Waiting for the right moment, back in a sec, she went to her room and grabbed the envelope.

Returning she handed the unopened envelope to me, I was too nervous to look, she explained.

I opened it, excited as she was. I was not disappointed. Oh my god! Tears threatened. I handed it to Geoffrey who was as eager with anticipation as Tess.

His eyes scanned the results. Then he scanned them again just to make sure. Always the proof checker. He beamed at Tess, Well done.

Curiosity overcoming her Tess finally grabbed it from his hand. I passed. I passed, she began dancing around the room with gay abandoned.

It was Geoffrey who cleared his throat to intervene, I’d say you more than passed.

Yeah, then there was that bit of a pout that was so Tess, But they didn’t give me full marks. What did I do wrong? I was sure of my answers.

I hugged her, Tess, darling, I teased, 99% is full marks. They never give a 100.

Never? And there was her robust smile back.

Never.

Well then, she went back to dancing around the room, until she exhausted herself.

So what does she want to do with it? dad wondered.

Same as me really, the old dream of space flight. And don’t you dare pull the rug out from under her like you did me.

Geoffrey saddened, I shouldn’t have done that, you never forgave me did you?

I let out a large sigh and I guessed that was answer enough, I know you didn’t want me to set myself up for disappointment but I think I could have done it.

Academically yes, but at the time I feared … he didn’t finish the sentence.

Feared what dad? Spit it out dad.

My you are getting forthright these days. I expect some of that is Tess’s doing. I always hoped you’d find your nerves of steel. Okay. I guess it's time. There’s no easy way to say this. Your mum didn’t die in an accident. She took her life.

That was so not what I’d expected him to say. I quickly found a seat and took a moment to digest what he’d said. Two and two were starting to equal four. So you didn’t want me in a high stress job like mum’s.

No, he sighed, You see she rode the same rollercoaster as you do. Steady as a rock one day, unpredictable the next.

Unpredictable, that was one way to describe it. I’m trying to change that dad. And you have to know I would never take my life.

I know that now. I’ve seen the changes you’ve been making. Even your name change. Gratia’s short for gratitude isn’t it?

It is. And Tess has talked me into going to see a counsellor.

He looked at me in surprise, Then I’m in her debt. There’s a lot of help out there these days. Help that wasn’t so accessible in your mother’s time. Even I’ve been getting help.

What had he just said?

You look shocked. I guess I can’t blame you. I’ve never been one much to show my emotions. But I tell you this in truth, I deeply regret squashing your dreams because of my own fears. It was your life to lead, not mine to decide for you.

My jaw flapped. Hell, I went to him and we hugged.

From the corner of my eye I saw Tess wink at me. Our moment of communion was broken by another knock at the door. I looked uncertainly to Tess. Tess, In my bedroom. Go to the wardrobe. There's a small ladder and a hatch to the ceiling. We’ll call you when the coast is clear.

Tess ran.

Another knock at the door, this time more insistent. It wasn’t a friendly knock. Rapid fire I gave dad the notes version of what was going on. Tess’s dad wants her in a life of crime. She’s hiding.

Dad instantly understood all he needed, Stay here, he commanded in his best authoritative tone, I’ll deal with this.

I watched, peering into the hall as Dad opened the door, And you are? Giving the man on the doorstep his best glare

The uninvited guest looked taken aback, Er sorry Sir, looking for a Gratia Sullivan.

No one here by that name. My name is Geoffrey Sullivan. If you’re looking for a G Sullivan that might explain the mix up. I’m here with my daughter Alys.

Alys? No that wasn’t the name, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a photo, Look just in case, this is a girl we’re looking for. If you see her could you give us a ring.

She’s not one of my students but if I see her is there a number I can ring you on?

Sure. Sure, the man was keen to backtrack out of an obvious mix-up. Here’s my card.

Dad took the card, Good evening to you then, and he slammed the door.

The problem seemed solved but dad didn’t look happy. "I’ll stay tonight just in case they come back. That divan in your living