Atashi Kintsugi

By Garnett Dawn Hayes-McKay

A poetry collection dealing with transitioning, faith, depression and issues in writing, written over a year after coming out as a non-binary transwoman.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Garnett Dawn Hayes-McKay
• Release date: May 20, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463469378

Garnett Dawn Hayes-McKay

I am a "genderfluid transfem fluctuating between Girl, Demigirl, and Neutrois with non-corresponding pronouns and presentation", which is a super complicated way of saying messed up trans woman. I'm in my late twenties and began transitioning at the end of 2017, and started HRT in September 2018. I've been writing casually for most of my life, and am an avid reader of fantasy.

Book preview

00 Thoughts from one year ago

Thoughts of suicide are a comfort on distressing days and lonely nights for the spaces between the silence is deafening.

A heart, can be too full for words, but a hand? Never. A hand can be heavy with purpose, slowed with remorse or quaking with uncertainty, and it will still write.

Words are the vitality of thought. Words are always true even when the sentences are lies. In the end, the words left unspoken and unwritten yet still understood are the building blocks of relationships. And yet.... Sometimes they still need to be written, they need to be read, alas they won't be said.

I'm OK...mostly. I'm healthy...relatively. I'm sane...somewhat. I'm happy. I'm in love with you.

A feeling, just one, could be described in thousands of words and summed in one. They can be nearly fractal in both complexity and simplicity.

Living is the slowest form of suicide.

01 It

It.

That.

Thing.

Shemale.

Trap.

Tranny faggot.

Empty.

Ugly.

Sadist

Me.

[It/That]

Thing.

Shemale.

[Trap/Tranny faggot]

[Empty/Ugly]

Sadist.

Me.

[It/That/Thing]

[Shemale/Trap/Tranny faggot]

[Empty/Ugly/Sadist]

Me.

Me‽

Me!

Me?

[Nothing]

[Something?]

Me.

[Someone/They]

Me.

Someone.

They.

Father.

Me.

Someone.

They.

Father.

Partner.

Me.

Me?

Me.

02 Forward

Forward.

Momentum.

A fickle conceit,

A pretense of progress,

Zeno’s Arrow, stalled in flight.

Look too closely, and nothing happens.

Pull back.

Adjust focus.

Accept the irrational.

The zoetrope, clicks into clarity.

One builds upon the last, forming time.

But wait, is it real? Is it enough? Will it matter?

No, it can't be this easy, nothing is.

Life doesn't settle for less.

Living has to be more.

Something else.

A series of still images cannot add up.

Reality must care about this.

Reasons have to exist.

I need something.

Oh... I need.

I

The Skene

The Deus ex machina

A bit of irrational nonsense

something that can bring motion

observing and creating change, by being.

A meaningless tidal wave, pulling back and forth.

Meaning itself is contrived, I decide what deserves it.

I seize hold of reality, and declare it to be ordered. To matter.

I waver. I always will. The responsibility of the task is monumental.

For waves break, and the tide changes. The undertow is unyielding.

Stop.

Breathe.

Take one step.

Then another one.

The only way through is forward.

03 Warpaint

When I was a child,

I first put on my warpaint.

It started small, as all things do.

A crooked half-smile, and a tilt of the head.

That was enough, at first, to keep my demons at bay.

As I grew older,

my demons grew with me.

And in turn, my warpaint thickened.

Condescending comments joined,

Along with a counter-culture wardrobe.

My warpaint is thinner now

Over time,

I added layers.

More and more,

Until I felt safe.

Until it became a mask.

Black polish,

On pointed nails.

Sharp clothing and hair,

With a personality to match.

The mask began to feel like skin.

My warpaint is thinner now.

I grew up,

Outgrew the mannerisms,

adults have a standard to follow.

The mask shifted fluidly with me.

Becoming a shell that enveloped me.

A beard.

A lack of care.

Focused more on others.

Turning away from myself.

Brittle bitterness taking over me.

My warpaint is thinner now

Suddenly it cracked.

The tears I never noticed,

Ran streaming down my face.

The