Animal University

By Mika Bindura

A satirical tale about how a university handles a case of scientific misconduct.

Animal University describes the journey of Rembrandt, a student at the Prestigious University for Animals (PUFA), who discovers that the majority of publications by his lecturer, Professor Nash are fraudulent. Fortunately, the inexperienced Arabian colt is advised by two clever herons.

Rembrandt reports the case to the Research Integrity Officer (RIO) of the university, Professor Stone, who has very creative ideas how to handle the matter, protect his institution, collaborate with the falcon editors and pursue his own ambitions. As Rembrandt has gathered overwhelming evidence, the university is forced to hold its first Tribunal, which ends with a surprise verdict by President Bacon. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lamina Education Books
• Release date: May 29, 2019
• ISBN: 9781540199782

Book preview

Chapter 1 Luring

It was Open House on a sunny Saturday morning in August at the Prestigious University for Animals, or ‘PUFA’ as it was known to the locals. Dr. Nash rushed across campus to the lecture theatre in the main building, already late for his speech. He would be giving a welcome talk to a delegation of animals from a nearby farm, all of them potential new recruits to the university.

Earlier that morning, Dr. Nash had attended a brief meeting with the Dean, Professor Duchamp, regarding his unsatisfactory quota for recruiting students, and he had received a stern warning. These new recruits would certainly redress that problem. After the meeting, he had had just enough time to finish an article he wanted to submit to an international academic journal. He had worked on it for days and had high hopes it would be published.

Dr. Nash was a Gloucester Old Spot pig with a small snout and black spots all over his body. Born the last and smallest of a litter of thirteen piglets, he had almost been savaged by his mother. Fortunately, other family members intervened, but two of his siblings had not been so lucky. Growing up had been tough and he had never expected such a fabulous career. The pinnacle was when he earned his doctoral degree and all the other animals began addressing him as ‘Doctor’; that was seven years ago. The pleasure he earned from that was indescribable. After obtaining his degrees, he immediately started his career as a lecturer at PUFA and began publishing his articles in some of the leading journals in his field.

The local community had invited him to take on important roles in several organizations, and he had been ecstatic. The way other animals treated him made him feel very special, and he was given many privileges. Of course, he had earned them through all his hard work and efforts. He remembered the last time he was invited to the local library as guest of honour, complete with the rolling out of the purple carpet. All the visitors had clapped for the VIP, and he had savoured every moment of it.

Several of his students greeted him as he crossed the neatly cropped lawn. He loved giving lectures, getting the undivided attention of all his students and sharing his experiences. As he became increasingly influential in his department, he knew exactly who to pick for his collaborations and who not. The admiration and recognition from his colleagues were thrilling; it had become something he craved. Could he really go one step higher and earn the title of Professor?

He had seen numerous changes at the university during his several years as a lecturer. And while he found his career exciting and fulfilling, he was not always sure that he could keep up with the pace of transformation. Besides, there were too many secrets in this place.

The whole situation had been undermining his health, providing frequent bother from gastric ulcers. This morning, for sure, he felt quite jittery.

It’s quiet, too quiet, he thought, as he continued across the lawn.

There were no birds out, despite the fine weather; not a sound could be heard. Something was up. Trouble was coming — he could feel it.

Or was it just the heat causing him to imagine things?

Entering the building, he greeted two of his colleagues and opened the large door of the lecture theatre.

––––––––

AT THE NEARBY Westham Farm, the black cockerel was the first to get up, and his loud cock-a-doodle-doo! was heard across the yard. It was going to be an interesting day and the farm animals had been talking about it since the previous week. The notice on the porch stated that they should gather in the yard before heading to PUFA.

The farm had been modernized years ago, and some of the rooms in the farmhouse had been converted into study rooms and a library. There had been other changes as well: while the buffalos and camels were being milked by the milking machines, they learned the graphs of sine and cosine using the camels’ humps; the ostriches and turkeys read Harry Potter while machines gathered their eggs; and the horses were absorbed in books by Jonathan Swift and Mary Shelley as they grazed in the fields.

When the potential recruits arrived at PUFA, they admired the brightly painted buildings and the meticulously maintained gardens with their colourful flower beds. They followed the arrows to the lecture hall, and once inside they took their seats. At the back of the stage was a huge portrait of President Bacon, wearing a purple silk gown with long sleeves. Among the recruits was a chestnut Arabian colt called Rembrandt, a determined creature with an eye for detail and a sensitive nature. His best friends included a Marwari horse and three black Friesian stallions, spectacular-looking horses with high-stepping gaits and graceful movements who made Rembrandt look a bit ordinary. The turkeys, ostriches and other small animals took their seats in front. Several buffalos, camels and oxen were the last to arrive, and finally all were seated comfortably, keen to hear what their host had to say.

Dr. Nash shook off a few nerves, climbed onto the stage on his hind legs, adjusted his glasses with his trotters and looked with his small eyes at his notes. He took the microphone between the two knuckles of his right trotter and said, ‘Welcome to all my new students! Welcome to the Prestigious University for Animals! Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure and privilege to be here as your host, as I have an important message for you.

‘It has been brought to my attention that all of you have advanced in literacy and numeracy, so the next step would be to continue your studies and obtain a degree at the Prestigious University for Animals. The animals of your farm have a reputation for being highly ambitious, creative and clever individuals who want to succeed in their lives. You all have great potential to obtain your degrees!

‘Our university is currently among the highest ranked in the world, so this would be an excellent opportunity for you to enrol. For the next intake, starting in September, there are plenty of courses to choose from, so everybody can follow their own interests. It is important for you to know that everyone can learn, be educated and contribute in many ways. Once you have graduated, you will be more valuable and gain enormous respect.

‘As you may know, all the lecturers at PUFA are wise, educated pigs and hogs from very different backgrounds, all with a great amount of experience and expertise. They are truly interested in sharing all their knowledge with you and they have developed a curriculum that is suitable for all the animals of your farm.

‘Animals are smart — all animals can study and obtain a degree, especially you, my future students. This is the right time for all of you to think about the years ahead and become professionals.

‘Some of you may even continue on to a higher degree, conduct research and maybe even publish an article in an academic journal. You will learn problem-solving strategies that will be useful in any environment, and most importantly, as future academics, you will learn to develop critical-thinking skills. Take me, for example: I have three degrees from PUFA, and I learned so much from all my lecturers and professors!’

Dr. Nash paused for a moment, wiped away some of the foam forming around his mouth with his trotter, then continued.

‘PUFA has excellent facilities: numerous lecture theatres and classrooms, a huge library, a bookshop and an enormous canteen, among other things. And of course, PUFA knows how to pamper its students; we have an impressive massage parlour, suitable for all animals. For a moderate fee, you can stay on the university campus, where you will receive full boarding and support services. Check it all out when you take the tour around the campus, which will start as soon as I have finished my talk.

‘Even after graduation, you can still be part of our Prestigious University for Animals by becoming a member of the Esteemed Group of Graduates, or the EGGs as we call them. This will enhance your networking and provide you with an opportunity to stay in touch with all your lecturers and fellow graduates. There are many other benefits and it only involves a small fee, so please do check that out.’

He paused and winked at two ostriches in the front row who gazed at him adoringly.

‘Those who are interested in obtaining a degree or starting a course, please queue up outside the lecture theatre, fill in the necessary forms and hand them over to the officers in charge. You can make the payment for the first semester in pounds or gold coins. You will then receive a green ‘PUFA Rules!’ sweater. It will be a remarkable experience for you to study at PUFA!

‘But first, our university has a special chant that I would like to share with you: Obey our wise pigs and hogs! Protect and remain loyal to PUFA! Bow to our President! Bow to Bacon! PUFA Rules! PUFA Rules!’

All the animals joined in and roared the chant.

The ostriches and turkeys were especially impressed by the charming manners of Dr. Nash.