Teen Boys' Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny

By Alisha Gaddis

You wanna be funny for your audition? This book of monologues, written by people who are actually funny for a living, has your back.

This incredibly hysterical, cutting-edge monologue book will give the teen actor the extra bang he needs to land the perfect comedic role! Teen Boys' Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny features monologues by writers and comics who have written for and/or performed on Saturday Night Live, The Tonight Show, Last Comic Standing, E! Entertainment, Comedy Central Stage, and many, many more.

This book is the answer to the comedic monologue needs of teen actors everywhere!

• Language: English
• Publisher: RowmanLittlefield
• Release date: Jun 1, 2015
• ISBN: 9781495035401

Alisha Gaddis

Alisha Gaddis is a red-haired, feisty empath. She has won multiple Grammy and Emmy awards and has published numerous books on a plethora of topics ranging from weaning and acting to stepparenting and periods. She has acted in and written for many television shows, movies, and live productions. She delights in her extreme multi-hyphenated “job title.” She and her little family split their time between Los Angeles, Shanghai, and Paris.

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 by Alisha Gaddis

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, without written permission, except by a newspaper or magazine reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review.

Published in 2015 by Applause Theatre & Cinema Books

An Imprint of Hal Leonard Corporation

7777 West Bluemound Road

Milwaukee, WI 53213

Trade Book Division Editorial Offices

33 Plymouth St., Montclair, NJ 07042

Printed in the United States of America

Book design by UB Communications

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Teen boys’ comedic monologues that are actually funny / edited by Alisha Gaddis.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-4803-9679-1 (pbk.)

1. Monologues—Juvenile literature. 2. Acting—Auditions—Juvenile literature. 3. Comedy sketches—Juvenile literature. I. Gaddis, Alisha, editor.

PN2080.T485 2015

812'.0450817—dc23

2015018241

www.applausebooks.com

Contents

Introduction

Forever 41 by Alisha Gaddis

Young and Brave Leo DiCaprio by Carla Cackowski

Transition by Alessandra Rizzotti

The Case for a Later Curfew by Chris Quintos

The Surprise by Jessica Glassberg

Didn’t Get the Job by Alessandra Rizzotti

Dude, I’m a Dad by Jessica Glassberg

Feeling Suicidal by Alessandra Rizzotti

The Other Hamlet by Derek Heeren

The Fourteen-Foot Scarf by Cooper McHatton

Prius Convertible by Kathy S Yamamoto

The Sensual Camper by Gina Nicewonger

DJ Ben Blake by Chris Quintos

NRB by Brendan McCay

Your Mom Is a MILF by Alessandra Rizzotti

King of the Wait List by Amber Collins-Parnell

And Your Name Is? by Chris Quintos

Allowance Negotiations by Jessica Glassberg

My Mom Thinks I’m a Pervert by Kate McKinney

Do the Stupid Homework by Cooper McHatton

Job Applicant by Carla Cackowski

Going to the Chapel by Kathy S Yamamoto

Hershey Pants by Kathy S Yamamoto

First Date by Rachel Raines

Pillow Talk by Leah Mann

It‘s Me or You! by Jessica Glassberg

Seventeen or Older by Mark Alderson

YouTube Star by Alessandra Rizzotti

Outfield by Derek Heeren

Citizen’s Arrest by Brandon Econ

Stepson Returns by Gina Nicewonger

Confession by Alessandra Rizzotti

D&D Dating by Carla Cackowski

You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out (and I’ll Laugh) by Andy Goldenberg

Sheena Isn’t a Punk Rocker by Meg Swertlow

Plastic Revolution by Mark Alderson

What Are You Packing? by Kathy S Yamamoto

A Formal Presentation by JP Karliak

Therapy Breakup by Gina Nicewonger

Craven Saint Todd by Brandon Econ

The Teaching Breakup by Brendan McCay

Picking Up Mackinsey by Kim Marie Mulligan

Baby Daddy in Prison by Alessandra Rizzotti

Anyway by Jeff Bogle

Puppy Love by Mike McAleer

Talk of Corn Stalks by Hannah Gansen

First Comes Love by Kathy S Yamamoto

Wild Horse Hijinks by Brendan McCay

Going Viral by Mark Alderson

Hey Miss by Alessandra Rizzotti

Kick Ass, Ass-Kicker by Andy Goldenberg

My First Time by Mark Alderson

Elevator Action by Jessica Glassberg

Nacho Boyfriend by Kathy S Yamamoto

Emo Gothic Love by Alessandra Rizzotti

Phone Drone by JP Karliak

The Best Day of My Life So Far by Carla Cackowski

The Mom-Specific Ew by Cooper McHatton

Cool with My Dad by Josh Hyman

Contributors

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Guys—you are holding in your hands something awesome. Something that is fresh, edgy, hip, and FUNNY! Something that is going to help you book the part that is already YOURS for the taking.

You, teen boys, are not like the teen boys of your grandfathers or your fathers or your father’s father’s father’s neighbor’s time. You are you. You have access to all things NOW—technology, sports, gaming, first love, travel, world domination! But you already know this, don’t you? #YOLO was the past, and this book is the present.

You need something hysterical, raw, real, and YOU for those auditions where you are supposed to be funny, actually funny.

This book is the answer to your needs. It was written by people who are funny for a living: stand-up comics, comedy writers, and directors living in Los Angeles and New York (and a few places in between). These writers want you to land the role, steal the show, make them laugh, and live your dreams.

Because that is what it is all about anyway.

Alisha Gaddis

Forever 41

Alisha Gaddis

RICKY, 15

RICKY is on the sidewalk outside of his house yelling back to his mom, who is in their running ’96 Honda Accord. He starts to walk away, but then walks back to scold her.

RICKY No, Mom—I am not getting in the car.

NO.

NOOOO!!! I don’t care if school is over four miles away. I will walk on my own two feet and keep my dignity in tact.

Why? Really? You want to know why?! . . .

I don’t think you can handle the truth, Ma. But here is—raw and ready.

My friends call you a MILF.

A MILF, MOM!!!

Do you even know what that means, Mom? MILF. It means "Mom, I’d Like to F-word-that-I-would-rather-not-say-in-front-of-my-own-mother."

Mom—I am fifteen and just getting my foot in with girls and you are what the other boys are talking about and it is gross and I will not stand for it!!

[Beat.]

It IS your fault mom! 120,000 percent it is! Look where you shop! It is not called Forever 41—it is called Forever 21. Like you want to be 21 FOREVER. Look at you, Mom—you have on a tube dress. It is 8:00 a.m. for god’s sakes. Why do you look like you just came from a One Direction concert at the crack of dawn?!

I saw how you heated up the Hot Pockets for the guys the other day—you were all laughing and smiling and wearing those weird really short cut-off shorts that you ALWAYS put on when Gabe the UPS driver has something to deliver. You had THOSE shorts on, Mom. And you bent down to get the Hot Pockets out of the stove and everyone was looking to see if they could see your twat!

[Beat.]

Don’t gasp, Mom—you did this to me! You made me say twat!

I think you like it. You like the attention! You know they are watching and you giggle. DISGUSTING. You are my mother. You birthed me. You could have birthed them, too. They are THAT much younger than you!

I can’t take it anymore. Yes—you are still attractive and I know you had me at a young age and you still have the goods and you need to feel like a woman and not just a mother and blah blah blah, but can’ t you just for ONCE put on a cardigan, some slacks, and maybe some I’m-still-cool Converse sneakers instead of a low-cut shirt and miniskirt with high stripper heels?!! JUST ONCE!!

[Beat.]

Mom—don’t cry. I’m sorry, I just . . .

You’re my mom and I don’t like it. I know I am the man of the house now, and I had to take a stand. You aren’t just embarrassing me, but you are embarrassing yourself.

Now, let’s wipe away that blue eye makeup running down your face with tears, and maybe after school I can take you to the mall.

Young and Brave Leo DiCaprio

Carla Cackowski

LEO DICAPRIO, 14

LEO is 14. And very confident. He is auditioning for a TV show.

LEO Yes ma’am, I’m ready to slate. I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life. Shall I take my mark? Oh, you don’t need to show me. I know where it is. This isn’t my first time at the dog and pony show, know what I mean?

[The boy takes his mark and smiles into the camera.]

Hello. My name is Leonardo DiCaprio. I’m fourteen years old. I’m going to book this role.

Pardon me? You’d like me to do it again? Are you sure? It really seemed like I nailed it. Ohhh, I see. It was your fault. Not mine. Makes sense. I don’t mess things up. No need to apologize. No big deal. Takes more to distract me than a camera operator forgetting to turn on the camera.

[He stares intensely into the camera.]

Hello. My name is Leonardo DiCaprio. You can call me Leo. I’m auditioning for Huckleberry Finn. I’m the best person for this role. You want me.

[He relaxes on hearing Cut.]

Yeah, that was pretty good, wasn’t it?

[LEO smooths out his hair.]

Question before I read for you. Huckleberry Finn was written in the late 1800s. I think that may be a little outdated for a television show. How about I play him like he was born in the late 1900s? You know, closer to when I was born. My life has been pretty interesting so far. I think Ol’ Been Around Forever Huck could use a fresh perspective. Now, I know it’s a bold choice, but nobody reaps the benefits of playing this game of life if we play it safe, right?

Yes, I knew you’d see things my way. I have very good instincts. Like a hunter. Or a fox. Or a hunter hunting a fox. Or a fox hiding from a hunter. Either way, I’m on top of things.

Yes, I’m ready. I’m always ready. Whatever you throw at me, I hit it out of the park. Just say, action.

[LEO takes in a deep breath and looks into the camera, a charming smile on his lips.]

That’s right, buddy boy, my name’s Huck Finn. And I’m a winner.

[LEO relaxes as he hears, Cut.]

Thank you, yes, I thought that was very good too. I hope it’s okay that I changed the lines a bit. Or entirely. I just thought you’d want a natural read on the character and I couldn’t say any of the lines the way Mark Twain wrote them. No disrespect, I see what the writer was going for—I just think my way is better.

Glad you agree. Would you like me to do something else for you before I leave to meet my seventeen-year-old hot-bod model girlfriend? No? I got the part! Makes sense.

You haven’t even sent the producers my tape yet, and I got the part. Yeah, you’re right—no need to see anyone else, they would pick me anyway. Some people are just born under a lucky star. They’re handsome, talented, and magnetic. I am one of these people. You won’t be sorry you chose me, Leonardo DiCaprio. I make everything better.

Transition

Alessandra Rizzotti

TOM, 14

TOM, age 14, who identifies as Teresa, is about to come out to his drama club friend as transsexual. Teresa is femme already, and her friends assume she’s a gay male, but Teresa has always been a girl, since she was little. This is a big moment for her.

TOM Sarah, you know how we’re prepping for Nationals this year? I figured I didn’t want to compete with a duet with you like last year. Don’t get me wrong, I love working with you. I just want to end high school on a big note.

Can you listen? Seriously. Don’t get all hissy fitty on me. I’ve been working on a play about a guy who doesn’t want to come out to his parents. It’s sweet. Sensual. Pretty PG. Almost like Blossom meets Glee. Remember the floating bag in American Beauty? It’s like the tone of that.

No Sarah, I’m not gay. I