Hilarious Lawyer Jokes: An Illustrated Caseload of Jurisprudential Jests
By Steven D. Price and Marty Bucella
()
About this ebook
From this single hilarious source, with full-color illustrations, get your one-liners (Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The rest are true stories.), your historical and literary quotations (Litigation: A machine that you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausageAmbrose Bierce: The Devil’s Dictionary), and all the lengthier, fun-to-share forensic funnies you can handle, such as:
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, Sir, sir, you’re bleeding. And, my god, your left arm is gone!”
The lawyer looked down and screamed, My Rolex! My Rolex!”
In summation, you must find Hilarious Lawyer Jokes guilty of disorder in court and sentence all who read this perfect gift for any lawyer, client, judge, law student, or wannabe attorney to many hours of laughter.
Steven D. Price
Steven D. Price is the author or editor of more than forty books, including the bestselling The Whole Horse Catalog, the prize-winning The American Quarter Horse, The Quotable Horse Lover, and All the King’s Horses: The Story of the Budweiser Clydesdales. He lives in New York City, rides whenever and wherever he can, and numbers Don Burt among the finest horsemen he’s known.
Read more from Steven D. Price
What to Do When a Loved One Dies: Taking Charge at a Difficult Time Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEndangered Phrases: Intriguing Idioms Dangerously Close to Extinction Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The World's Funniest Lawyer Jokes: A Caseload of Jurisprudential Jest Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHorse Owner's Guide to Toxic Plants: Identifications, Symptoms, and Treatments Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHow to Survive Retirement: Reinventing Yourself for the Life You?ve Always Wanted Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Quotable Billionaire: Advice and Reflections From and For the Real, Former, Almost, and Wanna-Be Super-Rich . . . and Others Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Horseman's Guide to the Meaning of Life: Lessons I've Learned from Horses, Horsemen, and Other Heroes Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGut Busters and Belly Laughs: Jokes for Seniors, Boomers, and Anyone Else Who Thinks 30-Somethings Are Just Kids Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMore Than Sympathy: Essential Advice on Funerals, Money, Family, and Grief After the Death of a Loved One Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsExcuses for All Occasions: Alibis Apologies and Cop-Outs That Can Get You Out of (or Into) Trouble Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to Hilarious Lawyer Jokes
Related ebooks
Fuck You, Your Honor Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Art of Conflict: Tales from the Courtroom Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsInside the Robe, A Judge's Candid Tale of Criminal Justice in America Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Shark Tales: True (and Amazing) Stories from America's Lawyers Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5How to Win Your Case: A Psychiatrist Uses Famous Cases as Examples of How to Succeed in Litigation Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Lawyer's Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Witness for the Defense: The Accused, the Eyewitness, and the Expert Who Puts Memory on Trial Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tales of a Trial Attorney: Twists and Turns of Litigation Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Devil's Advocates: Greatest Closing Arguments in Criminal Law Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The New Lawyer's Handbook: 101 Things They Don't Teach You in Law School Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5And the Walls Came Tumbling Down: Greatest Closing Arguments Protecting Civil Libertie Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Confessions of a Criminal Lawyer: A Memoir Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5101 Lawyer Jokes Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDracula Was a Lawyer: Hundreds of Fascinating Facts from the World of Law Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5The Art of Practicing Law: Talking to Clients, Colleagues and Others Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Are all Lawyers Crooks? A Collection of Quotations Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Lawyer's Guide to Writing Well Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Secret Barrister: Stories of the Law and How It's Broken Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Legal Writing and the Lone Ranger: Every Lawyer Has a Silver Bullet Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Little Black Book of Lawyer's Wisdom Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Satan's Advice to Young Lawyers: Satan's Guides to Life, #1 Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury: Greatest Closing Arguments In Modern Law Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Secrets of Criminal Defense Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Lawyers at Work Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Reason in Law Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Articulate Attorney: Public Speaking for Lawyers Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Day in Court: or, The Subtle Arts of Great Advocates Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDictionary of Legal Terms: Definitions and Explanations for Non-Lawyers Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5So You Want to be a Lawyer: The Ultimate Guide to Getting into and Succeeding in Law School Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dad Jokes: Over 600 of the Best (Worst) Jokes Around and Perfect Gift for All Ages! Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Sex Hacks: Over 100 Tricks, Shortcuts, and Secrets to Set Your Sex Life on Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Garbage Pail Kids Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/51,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Nothing to See Here: A Read with Jenna Pick Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Dating You / Hating You Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Favorite Half-Night Stand Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Hilarious Lawyer Jokes
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Hilarious Lawyer Jokes - Steven D. Price
CHAPTER ONE
How About a Lawyer for My ’Gator?
— A BRIEFCASE LOAD OF JOKES
THERE WAS A TERRIBLE accident at a railroad crossing; a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
Congratulations,
the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. You did superbly under cross-examination.
Thanks,
he said, but he sure had me worried.
How’s that?
the lawyer asked.
I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit.
~•~
A man died and was taken to Hell. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
That’s unfair!
he cried. I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.
Quiet!
barked the devil, Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?
~•~
A defendant who had pleaded not guilty saw the jury that had been empanelled and announced that he was changing his plea to guilty. When the judge asked why, the defendant pointed to the eight women and four men in the jury box. When I pleaded ‘not guilty,’ I didn’t know women would be on the jury. Judge, I can’t fool even one woman, so I know I can’t fool eight of them.
~•~
Three lawyers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket
How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?
asks an MBA.
Watch and you’ll see,
answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, Ticket, please.
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBAs agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don’t buy any tickets at all.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?
asked one perplexed MBA.
Watch and you’ll see,
answers a lawyer.
When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, Ticket, please.
~•~
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?
Of course not, dear,
replied the mother. Why would you think that?
The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’
~•~
A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. Can I help you?
she asked.
I want to see Susan,
the man replied.
Sir, Susan is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,
said the madam.
No, I must see Susan,
was the man’s reply.
Just then, Susan appeared and announced to the man that she charged $2,000 an hour. Without hesitation, the man pulled out twenty one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Susan and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Susan. Susan explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $2,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Susan and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Susan and they went upstairs. After their session, Susan said to the man. No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?
The man replied, California.
Really?
she said. I have family in California.
I know,
the man said. Your aunt died and I am your cousin’s lawyer. She instructed me to give you your $6,000 inheritance.
~•~
Satan was complaining bitterly to God, You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I’m evil, but give me a break. Can’t you do something to make them stop blaming me?
And so God created lawyers.
~•~
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double Scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’d had enough.
The bartender said, I’ve got to ask you—what’s with the pocket business?
The man replied, I have my lawyer’s picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I’ve had enough.
~•~
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
As I’m sure you can understand,
she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.
She leaned forward. Mr. Anderson, are you an honest lawyer?
Honest,
replied the applicant. Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me twenty-five thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.
Impressive . . . And what sort of case was that?
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and stated, My father sued me for the loan money.
~•~
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks, Is there a criminal attorney in town?
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, Yeah, but we can’t prove it yet!
~•~
Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.
~•~
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look,
said one, let’s be honest with each other.
Okay, you first,
replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
~•~
A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my will that my wife is