Divorce Bootcamp for Low- and Moderate-Income Women (6th Edition): A Step-by-Step Guide to Navigating Divorce

By Anna T. Merrill, Esq.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average woman's family income drops by 37% after divorce. Do you know what assets or how much alimony or child support you are entitled to receive? Has your spouse threatened to leave you penniless? Have you spoken to an attorney and gotten sticker-shock? Do you earn too much money to qualify for free legal aid? This book was written to help the low- and moderate-income women the legal system has abandoned by walking a hypothetical self-represented woman step-by-step through the divorce process, including:
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-- How to prepare financially to stand on your own two feet;
.
-- What the court can, and cannot do for you;
.
-- 'Legwork' that can save you money on legal fees and help you get a better outcome;
.
-- How much child support and alimony you might be entitled to receive;
.
-- Custody disputes ... 'fatal flaws' and how you can fix them.
.
-- How to show a judge that your spouse is lying about their assets and income;
.
-- What property you are entitled to receive ... and should ask for;
.
-- Ways vindictive ex-spouses can hide money ... and how to prove they are lying;
.
-- Real life dirty tricks, traps, and pitfalls highlighted so you can avoid them;
.
-- How to find a good attorney (if you can afford one), save money on legal fees, or combine “a la carte” legal advice with your own efforts if you can't afford to hire a full-service attorney;
.
-- Mediation and court-connected Alternative Dispute Resolution ... benefits and pitfalls;
.
-- How to dig up information your spouse doesn't want you to know (discovery) like an attorney;
.
-- Common court forms and how to fill them out;
.
-- Separation Agreements dissected and clarified; including two blank fill-in-the form boilerplates which you can download and use in your own divorce;
.
-- Sample discovery requests and motions – we’ll dissect each motion and show what information you can use it to get;
.
-- Sample hearing scripts for common court hearings (including Restraining Order hearings, Temporary Order hearings, Custody Dispute hearings, Contempt hearings, and parts of a mock-Trial);
.
-- Restraining orders ... how to get one ... how to keep one;
.
Filled with helpful examples of common court forms and legal pleadings, this book will introduce you to everything you NEVER wanted to know about divorce ... but need to come up to speed ... FAST!!! This is the only self-help legal book written by a woman who was once in your shoes who later went back to school to become an attorney!
.
The 6th Edition has been completely updated with the latest case law, including ways to sensitively handle a Christian divorce, caveats regarding same-sex couple custody disputes post-Obergefell, and a completely rewritten Separation Agreement chapter with suggested clauses for unusual situations such as extraordinary school fees, private school or homeschooling.
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BONUS: links to download, edit and print blank Separation Agreement forms.
.
“A solid, informative self-help divorce guide. This exhaustive...guide covers a range of topics related to contested and uncontested divorces, including how to gather documentation of assets, estimate child support and alimony, and even, if necessary, obtain restraining orders. She discusses many topics related to asset division and child custody, including marital debt and visitation rights. The book is aimed at the broadest possible audience, but also discusses variations in state laws.” – Kirkus (review of the 5th Edition).
.
Legal Disclaimer: This book is not meant to constitute legal advice. The author is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts. Links have been provided to direct women to their local court resources in all 50 states, but the court forms, case histories and property division examples used are loosely based upon Massachuse

• Language: English
• Publisher: Seraphim Press
• Release date: Dec 15, 2018
• ISBN: 9781949763140

Anna T. Merrill, Esq.

Anna T. Merrill practices family law, intellectual property law, and municipal 'green' zoning law on Cape Cod, Massachusetts. She is passionate about providing affordable, sensible legal services for 'real' people who the mainstream legal system has forgotten. She serves men and women equally, but volunteers her legal services to various agencies to help low- and moderate-income people access the legal system.She has worked with agencies such as the Committee for Public Counsel Services Children and Family Law Project, and also pro bono legal work for women's services agencies such as WE CAN, Inc., and the Women's Bar Foundation Family Law Project for Battered Women. She is also trained in corporate law with a specialty in business continuity services (i.e., disaster planning) and worked five years in the business continuity field helping Fortune 500 companies draft and implement continuity (disaster) plans.She is a graduate of Massachusetts School of Law, with an undergraduate degree in Psychology from Lesley University and an Associate's Degree in Business from Fisher College.

Book preview

DIVORCE BOOTCAMP

For Low- and Moderate-Income Women

By Anna T. Merrill, Esq.

6th Edition

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A Step-by-Step Legal Guide to Navigating Your Divorce

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Copyright 2019 by Anna T. Merrill

Copyright

"Divorce Bootcamp for Low- and Moderate-Income Women", copyright © 2002, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2012, 2018 and 2019 by Anna T. Merrill, Esq. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Published by Seraphim Press, Cape Cod, Massachusetts, USA.

All names in this book are fictitious or have been changed to protect their privacy, with the exception of case law citations officially reported to the public in court reports or the media. Any similarities to any person, whether living or dead, is purely unintentional. All case experience examples have been altered or are a mélange of multiple similar cases to protect the identities of the original clients.

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www.seraphim-press.com

This is the Sixth Edition of this book, v.6.0. Prior editions were published in 2002, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2012, and 2013.

SP Paperback Edition

ISBN-13: 978-1-949763-10-2

ISBN-10: 1-949763-10-2

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B&N Special Edition

ISBN-13: 978-1-949763-11-9

ISBN-10: 1-949763-11-0

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Electronic Edition

eISBN-13: 978-1-949763-14-0

eISBN-10: 1-949763-14-5

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Cover art: Copyright 2018 by Seraphim Press. Artwork Rosie the Riveter ‘We Can Do It’ by J. Howard Miller, public domain; background licensed from DepositPhotos.com: "Military background by Wawritto, Image #34147171. Cover font A Love of Thunder used with permission of S. John Ross at Cumberland Fontworks, [e-mail]. Internal Images: Clip art (red flag, skunk, dove, bad man, dollar sign, sharks, and ghost) by Microsoft Word open-source library. WWI and WWII propaganda posters Library of Congress, in the public domain. Athena stock vector licensed from DepositPhotos.com: Athena Greek Goddess" by Krisdog, Image # 101802760.

SYNOPSIS

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average woman's family income drops by 37% after divorce. Do you know what assets or how much alimony or child support you are entitled to receive? Has your spouse threatened to leave you penniless? Have you spoken to an attorney and gotten sticker-shock? Do you earn too much money to qualify for free legal aid? This book was written to help the low- and moderate-income women the legal system has abandoned by walking a hypothetical self-represented woman step-by-step through the divorce process, including:

How to prepare financially to stand on your own two feet;

What the court can, and cannot do for you;

'Legwork' that can save you money on legal fees and help you get a better outcome;

How much child support and alimony you might be entitled to receive;

Custody disputes … 'fatal flaws' and how you can fix them.

How to show a judge that your spouse is lying about their assets and income;

What property you are entitled to receive … and should ask for;

Ways vindictive ex-spouses can hide money … and how to prove they are lying;

Real life dirty tricks, traps, and pitfalls highlighted so you can avoid them;

How to find a good attorney (if you can afford one), save money on legal fees, or combine "a la carte" legal advice with your own efforts if you can't afford to hire a full-service attorney;

Mediation and court-connected Alternative Dispute Resolution … benefits and pitfalls;

How to dig up information your spouse doesn't want you to know (discovery) like an attorney;

Common court forms and how to fill them out;

Separation Agreements dissected and clarified; including two blank fill-in-the form boilerplates which you can download and use in your own divorce;

Sample discovery requests and motions – we’ll dissect each motion and show what information you can use it to get;

Sample hearing scripts for common court hearings (including Restraining Order hearings, Temporary Order hearings, Custody Dispute hearings, Contempt hearings, and parts of a mock-Trial);

Restraining orders … how to get one … how to keep one;

Filled with helpful examples of common court forms and legal pleadings, this book will introduce you to everything you NEVER wanted to know about divorce … but need to come up to speed … FAST!!! This is the only self-help legal book written by a woman who was once in your shoes who later went back to school to become an attorney!

The 6th Edition has been completely updated with the latest case law, including ways to sensitively handle a Christian divorce, caveats regarding same-sex couple custody disputes post-Obergefell, and a completely rewritten Separation Agreement chapter with suggested clauses for unusual situations such as extraordinary school fees, private school or homeschooling.

.

A solid, informative self-help divorce guide. This exhaustive…guide covers a range of topics related to contested and uncontested divorces, including how to gather documentation of assets, estimate child support and alimony, and even, if necessary, obtain restraining orders. She discusses many topics related to asset division and child custody, including marital debt and visitation rights. The book is aimed at the broadest possible audience, but also discusses variations in state laws. – Kirkus (review of the 5th Edition).

.

Legal Disclaimer: This book is not meant to constitute legal advice. The author is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts. Links have been provided to direct women to their local court resources in all 50 states, but the court forms, case histories and property division examples used are from Massachusetts. This book is NOT a replacement for consultation with a licensed local attorney.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

This book is the result of nearly two decades serving people the legal system has abandoned. What started out as a one-hour workshop and photocopied forms morphed into a three-hour seminar and this book. Women told me what they needed and it was incorporated into the next edition. As word got out about my workshop, middle-class women began to attend after they ran out of money for legal fees and their attorneys ‘fired’ them. I saw horror story after horror story of well-educated women with $30,000, $40,000, and even $60,000 legal bills, forced to go on welfare or driven into bankruptcy.

I finally said … enough!

There are many fine legal self-help books, but they tend to fall into two categories: 1) books written by lawyers who assume you can afford to hire them; and 2) divorce horror stories written by therapists or people who were mistreated by the legal system. Both are useful, but this is the only self-help book written by someone who was once in your shoes, who later went back to school to become an attorney!

Use this Bootcamp Manual the way you would stereo instructions. The TABLE OF CONTENTS is set up like an encyclopedic reference. When a scary-looking paper comes in the mail, look it up here first to give yourself an overview, and then use what you just learned to work more effectively with your attorney, or handle it yourself if you must.

SECTION ONE of this book seeks to:

Prepare you to stand financially on your own two feet before you announce you want a divorce, and how to go about doing that;

Cut your unrealistic expectations down to size so you don’t waste time and money tilting at windmills;

What documents you need to gather to get a fair property division;

Estimate how much child support and alimony you might be entitled to receive;

Help you figure out which property you’re entitled to receive … and should ask for;

SECTION TWO helps you use the knowledge gained in Section I to negotiate a fair divorce, material many legal self-help books cover, but this book will lead you step-by-step through the most common legal pleadings and forms, and then explain what all that complicated legal jargon in your Separation Agreement actually means. There are two sample Separation Agreements that you can download and use to rough out your own divorce settlement. Because you will have a realistic grasp of your legal rights and your net worth after completing Section I, you’re much more likely to reach a fair negotiated agreement.

SECTION THREE goes beyond other books. Although posited as 'fiction', this is the only self-help book that shows you how to navigate the legal system if you can’t afford to hire a full-service attorney. We will walk by Jane Doe’s side as she navigates the legal system … from filing her own divorce to launching her own trial … what forms she needs to file … how to use court-ordered discovery to uncover hidden assets … what hearings she needs to attend … what she needs to do to prepare for each hearing … how she might testify … and other ways she gets what she needs.

The hypothetical case proceeds in Massachusetts as that is where I practice law, but thanks to the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, the tools our heroine uses to navigate the legal system are available in all fifty states. By being a more knowledgeable consumer, it’s my hope you’ll be able to prioritize legal services so you can work with an attorney at the lowest possible fee.

THIS BOOK DOES NOT ADVOCATE ‘DOING IT YOURSELF!’ Going it alone should be a last resort, not a first. However, sometimes you don’t have a choice. If you don’t have a spare $30,000 laying around for a retainer, what are you supposed to do? Get chewed up and spit out by the courts?

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SYNOPSIS

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

TABLE OF CONTENTS

LEGAL DISCLAIMERS

EMERGENCY SITUATIONS

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SECTION I: KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO

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CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION TO DIVORCE

 — Divorce Isn’t a Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song

 — Been there, done that…

 — Prior Preparation Prevents Poor Performance

 — We’ve Already Reached a Rough Agreement…

 — Am I –Ready- to File for Divorce?

 — My Spouse Just Blindsided Me

 — What About Same-Sex Marriage?

 —  My Husband Wants to Divorce Me, But It’s Against My Faith!

 — I Spoke to an Attorney and They Have a Different Opinion

 — Chapter 1 Summary

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CHAPTER 2: GATHER YOUR ACORNS

 — What Documents Will the Court Demand?

 — — Exhibit 2-1: Acorns Checklist

 — How to Organize Your Financial Information

 — What if I’m Missing Information?

 — How Do I Value My Acorns

 — — Exhibit 2-2: Jane Doe’s Valuation Worksheet

— Valuing Your House and Other Real Estate:

 — Valuing Motor Vehicles:

 — Valuing Retirement and Pension Plans:

 — Valuing Business Assets, Power Tools and Hobby Supplies

 — Valuing Furnishings, Electronic Equipment and Other Household items

 — Valuing Jewelry and Collectibles

 — Additional Steps You Should Take Right Away

 — — CASE STUDY: Introduction to Jack and Jane

 — Chapter 2 Summary

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CHAPTER 3: THE COURT’S FINANCIAL STATEMENT

 — Do I Have to Disclose...?

 — Where Do I Get This Form?

 — Anatomy of a Financial Statement

 — — Exhibit 3-1: Financial Statement - Personal Information

 — — Exhibit 3-2: Financial Statement – Income

 — — Exhibit 3-3: Financial Statement – Tax / union Deductions

 — — Exhibit 3-4: Financial Statement – Retirement / saving Deductions

 — — Exhibit 3-5: Financial Statement – Weekly Expenses

 — Weekly Expenses Explained

 — — Exhibit 3-6: Financial Statement –Counsel Fees

 — — Exhibit 3-7: Financial Statement – Assets

 — — Exhibit 3-8: Financial Statement – Debts

 — — Exhibit 3-9: Financial Statement – Addendum for Debts

 — — Exhibit 3-10: Financial Statement – certification

 — HELP!!! I’m in the Red!

 — Chapter 3 Summary

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CHAPTER 4: CHILD SUPPORT

 — — Exhibit 4-1: 50-State Listing of Child Support Websites

 — Who is Obligated to Pay Child Support?

 — How Long Can I Expect to Collect (or Pay) Child Support?

 — — Exhibit 4-2: States That Cut Support Off Upon Graduating High School or shortly thereafter (no later than age 19)

 — — Exhibit 4-3: States That Continue Child Support Through College

 — Jane Doe’s Hypothetical Child Support Guidelines

 — — Exhibit 4-4: Jane Doe’s online Child Support calculator (Sole Physical Custody)

 — — Exhibit 4-5: Jane Doe’s online Child Support calculator (Shared Physical Custody)

 — You Want Me To Support My Kids On WHAT???

 — My Spouse has Kids from a Prior Relationship

 — — Exhibit 4-6: Hypothetical Prior Families Child Support Reduction

  — The Burden is On YOU to Show How Much They Really Earn

 — Tax Implications of Child Support

 — — Exhibit 4-7: Jane Doe Collects Child Support – Tax Implications

 — — Exhibit 4-8: Jane Doe -PAYS- Child Support – Tax Implications

 — Warning!!! If Your Spouse has Committed Tax Fraud

 — Leverage the Might of your State Child Support Enforcement Division

 — My Spouse Won’t Contest Custody if I Agree to Waive Child Support

 — Chapter 4 Summary

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CHAPTER 5: ALIMONY

 — The 1/3 - 1/3 - 1/3 Guesstimate

 — — Exhibit 5-1: Hypothetical 1/3 – 1/3 – 1/3 Alimony Estimate (no child support)

 — — Exhibit 5-2: Hypothetical 1/3 – 1/3 – 1/3 Alimony Estimate w/ child support

 — — Exhibit 5-3: Hypothetical 1/3 – 1/3 – 1/3 Alimony Estimate

 — Types of Alimony

 — — General Term Alimony:

 — — Rehabilitative Alimony

 — — Reimbursement Alimony

 — — Transitional Alimony

 — Alimony Income

 — What is Alimony Need?

 — — Exhibit 5-4: Hypothetical Jane Doe ‘Economic Need’ Computation

 — Do I Have to Go back to Work?

 — — Exhibit 5-5: Jane’s Imputed Income

 — Can I Get Both Alimony and Child Support?

 — Tax Implications of Alimony vs. Child Support

 — — Exhibit 5-6: Jane Doe Alimony Tax – Before January 1, 2019 Divorce

 — — Exhibit 5-7: Jane Doe Alimony Tax – After December 31, 2018 Divorce

 — — Exhibit 5-8: Jack’s Alimony Tax – After December 31, 2018 Divorce

 — Can –I- Be Ordered to Pay My Spouse Alimony?

 — When Does Alimony ‘End?’

 — Life Insurance and Alimony

 — Health/Dental Insurance and Alimony

 — What if my Former Spouse Gets Remarried?

 — What if –I- Get Remarried or Get a New Boyfriend?

 — Can I Waive Alimony in Exchange for an Asset?

— — Exhibit 5-9: Jane Doe’s Contested Hearing on Alimony

 — What If My Spouse Lies About Their Income?

 — Chapter 5 Summary

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CHAPTER 6: PROPERTY DIVISION

 — Don’t Kill Each Other Over a Lousy 10%

 — What is ‘Property?’

 — Which Property is Subject to Division?

 — What About Gifted or Inherited Property?

 — Who Gets Custody of the Kids Doesn’t Affect the Bottom Line (much…)

 — Inside a Judges Head - How Property Division Happens in Court

 — — Exhibit 6-1: Common Divorce ‘Factors’

 — What Happens if We Go to Trial?

 — — Exhibit 6-2: Jane Doe’s 50:50 Property Division

 — — Exhibit 6-3: Jane Doe’s 60:40 Property Division

 — — Exhibit 6-4: Jane Doe’s 60:40 Property Division after Attorney Fees

 — — Exhibit 6-5: Jane Doe’s 55:45 Property Division after Mediation

 — What if One Party Wishes to Keep the Marital Home?

— — Exhibit 6-6: Jane Doe’s proposed 50:50 Property Division (keeping The house)

 — The Tax-Man Cometh

 — Which Assets Should I Ask For?

 — Exhibit 6-7: Your Proposed ‘Dream’ ASSET Division

 — Chapter 6 Summary

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CHAPTER 7: MARITAL DEBT

 — — Exhibit 7-1 – Jack and Jane’s Secured Debt Allocation Worksheet

 — Marital Debts Are Not Always Divided 50:50

 — — Exhibit 7-2 – Jack and Jane’s 2/3 – 1/3 Unsecured Debt Division

 — Can I Offer to Pay off a Debt to Keep an Asset?

 — — Exhibit 7-3 (From Table 6-8) - Jane Doe’s 50:50 Property Division (She keeps house)

 — — Exhibit 7-4 (From Table 8-6) – Jack and Jane’s 2/3 – 1/3 Unsecured Debt Division

 — — Exhibit 7-5 – Jane’s Projected Weekly Living Expenses/Debt Payment Worksheet

 — — Exhibit 7-6 – YOUR Projected Weekly Living Expenses/Debt Payment Worksheet

 — Chapter 7 Summary

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CHAPTER 8: BRIDGING THE GAP

 — Strategy 1: Can This Marriage Be Saved?

 — Strategy 2: Financial Triage

 — Strategy 3: Go Scorched-Earth on Your Budget

 — Strategy 4: Longer-Term Changes to Your Lifestyle

 — Strategy 5: Increase Your Income

 — Strategy 6: Credit Counseling, Short-Sales, and Bankruptcy

 — Strategy 7: Ask for Help

 — Help! I Still Can’t Make It!!!

 — Tough Love From the Author

 — Chapter 8 Summary

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CHAPTER 9: PIECING TOGETHER LEGAL SERVICES ON A ‘REAL’ PERSON’S BUDGET

 — Do I Really Need an Attorney?

 — How to Find an Attorney

 — Setting Up Your First Appointment

 — Prepare for Your First Appointment

 — Have Realistic Expectations about What an Attorney Can Do

 — Interviewing Your Prospective Attorney

 — Getting Your Spouse to Loan You Money to Hire an Attorney

 — — Exhibit 9-1: Jane Doe’s Motion for Attorney Fees Pendente Lite

 — Keep Your Attorney on a Short Leash!!!

 — Private Mediation/Arbitration/Collaborative Law

 — The Mediator is not ‘Your’ Attorney

 — Court-Ordered Mediation/ADR/Conciliation

 — Legal Services/ Legal Aid

 — Courthouse ‘Lawyer-of-the-Day’ Programs

 — Limited Assistance Representation

 — The Court’s Family Services Department

 — Non-Profit Legal Clinics and How-to Classes

 — Do-it-Yourself Books and Document Preparation Services

 — Your Own State Court’s Website

 — — Exhibit 9-2: 50-State Listing of Free Self-Help Divorce Websites

 — Use the Same Legal Resources Your Lawyer Does

 — Melting! Melting! My brain is melting….!!!

 — — Exhibit 9-3: Activities to Save Money on YOUR Legal Bill

 — Chapter 9 Summary

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SECTION II: UNCONTESTED DIVORCES

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CHAPTER 10: UNCONTESTED DIVORCES

 — Negotiated (Uncontested) Divorces … Pro and Con

 — Before You Break the Bad News

 — Draft a Proposed Separation Agreement

 — Protect Your Credit Rating

 — — Exhibit 10-1: Jane Doe’s Credit Card Cancellation Worksheet

 — — Exhibit 10-2: Jane Doe’s ‘Hard close’ request follow-up letter

 — — Exhibit 10-3: Jane Doe’s ‘Rollover’ request follow-up letter

 — Breaking the Bad News to Your Spouse

 — Who Will Stay in the Marital Home?

 — — Exhibit 10-4: Jane Doe’s Temporary Separation Agreement

 — You –MUST- File in the Proper Jurisdiction

 — What Paperwork Must I File to Get an Uncontested Divorce?

 — — Exhibit 10-5: Sample Joint Petition for Divorce

 — Sneaky Lawyer Words: Merger and Survival

 — Affidavit of Irretrievable Breakdown of the Marriage

 — — Exhibit 10-6: Sample Affidavit of Irretrievable Breakdown

 — You Must Disclose Other Court Proceedings

 — Military Affidavit

 — Request for a Final Hearing

 — — Exhibit 10-7: Request for a Final Hearing

 — Communicating With the Court

 — — Exhibit 10-8: Cover Letter to the Clerk

 — The Final Hearing on an Uncontested Divorce

 — — On-Your-Feet Exercise 10-1: Sample uncontested divorce hearing

 — — Exhibit 10-9: Jane Doe’s judgment of Uncontested divorce nisi

 — Chapter 10 Summary

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CHAPTER 11: SEPARATION AGREEMENTS

 — — ELECTRONIC RESOURCE: Editable Separation Agreement –with- Minor Children

 — Separation Agreement Checklist

 — — Exhibit 11-1: Jane Doe’s Separation Agreement Checklist

 — — Exhibit 11-2: -YOUR- Separation Agreement Checklist

 — The Preamble

 — — Exhibit 11-P-1: Preamble – Identification of the Parties

 — — Exhibit 11-P-2: Preamble – Statement of Basic facts

 — — Exhibit 11-P-3: Preamble – Statement of Purpose

 — — Exhibit 11-P-4: Preamble – Binding Whether Together or Apart

 — — Exhibit 11-P-5: Preamble – Explicit Purpose

 — — Exhibit 11-P-6: Preamble – Covenants to Live Apart and Not Interfere

 — — Exhibit 11-P-7: Preamble – Covenant to Waive Claims to the Other Party’s Estate

 — — Exhibit 11-P-8: Preamble – Covenant to Release All Claims and Legal Actions

 — — Exhibit 11-P-9: Preamble – Covenant Against New Liabilities

 — — Exhibit 11-P-10: Preamble – Covenant of Indemnification, Procedure In Case of Breach

 — — Exhibit 11-P-11: Preamble – Additional Terms

 — — Exhibit 12-P-12: Preamble – Approval by the Court

 — — Exhibit 11-P-13: Preamble – Merger or Survival

 — — Exhibit 11-P-14: Preamble – Full Financial Disclosure

 — — Exhibit 11-P-15: Preamble – Opportunity to Seek Legal Counsel and Full Understanding

 — — Exhibit 11-P-16: Preamble – Sole Agreement

 — — Exhibit 11-P-17: Preamble – Free Will

 — — Exhibit 11-P-18: Preamble – No Stict Performance

 — — Exhibit 11-P-19: Preamble – Invalidity

 — — Exhibit 11-P-20: Preamble – Choice of Law / Choice of Forum

 — — Exhibit 11-P-21: Preamble – Attachments and Addendums

 — — Exhibit 11-P-22: Preamble – Attachments and Addendums

 — — Exhibit 11-P-23: Preamble – Must be Notarized

 — EXHIBIT A: Custody, Visitation, and Related Matters

 — — Exhibit 11-A-1: Child Custody - Legal Custody

 — — Exhibit 11-A-2: Child Custody - Sole Physical Custody

 — — Exhibit 11-A-3: Child Custody - Shared Physical Custody Scenario

 — — Exhibit 11-A-4: Child Custody - Parenting schedule

 — — Exhibit 11-A-5: Child Custody - School Holidays and Vacations

 — — Exhibit 11-A-6: Child Custody - Parenting Plan

 — — Exhibit 11-A-7: Child Custody – Access to Medical, Dental, Educational Records

 — — Exhibit 11-A-8: Child Custody – Other common Stipulations

 — EXHIBIT B: Child Support

 — — Exhibit 11-B-1: Child Support – General Terms

 — — Exhibit 11-B-2: Child Support –Child Support Enforcement Clause

 — — Exhibit 11-B-3: Child Support - Emancipation

 — — Exhibit 11-B-4: Child Support – Health, Dental and vision Insurance

 — — Exhibit 11-B-5: Child Support – Orthodontal Care

 — — Exhibit 11-B-6: Child Support – Reimbursement for Uninsured Expenses

 — — Exhibit 11-B-7: Child Support – Duty to Confer on Costs and Coverage

 — — Exhibit 11-B-8: Child Support – Life Insurance

 — — Exhibit 11-B-9: Child Support – Tax Deductions

 — — Exhibit 11-B-10: Child Support – Public School & Other Fees

 — — Exhibit 11-B-11: Child Support – Cost of Child Care

 — — Exhibit 11-B-12: Child Support – Other Provisions

 — EXHIBIT C: Alimony

 — — Exhibit 11-C-1: Alimony – General Obligation

 — — Exhibit 11-C-2: Alimony – Date of Termination

 — — Exhibit 11-C-3: Alimony – Interaction between Alimony and Child Support

 — — Exhibit 11-C-4: Alimony – Tax Provisions

 — — Exhibit 11-C-5: Alimony – Type of Alimony

 — — Exhibit 11-C-6: Alimony – Life Insurance

 — — Exhibit 11-C-7: Alimony – Health Insurance

 — EXHIBIT D: Children’s Education

 — — Exhibit 11-D-1: Education – Primary & Secondary School

 — — Exhibit 11-D-2: Education – College - General Aspirational Statement

 — — Exhibit 11-D-3 Education - Trusts

 — — Exhibit 11-D-4: Education – College - Expenses

 — EXHIBIT E: Health Insurance and Uninsured Health-Related Bills

 — — Exhibit 11-E-1: Health Insurance – General Terms

 — — Exhibit 11-E-2: Health Insurance – Dental / Vision / Other Insurance

 — — Exhibit 11-E-3: Health Insurance – Uninsured Health-Related Expenses

 — — Exhibit 11-E-4: Health Insurance – Children’s Health Insurance

 — — Exhibit 11-E-5: Health Insurance – Remarriage / Notice

 — — Exhibit 11-E-6: Health Insurance – Duty to Consult

 — EXHIBIT F: Property Division

 — — Exhibit 11-F-1: General Terms, Incorporation of Financial Statements

 — — Exhibit 11-F-2: Division of Real Estate

 — — Exhibit 11-F-3: Motor Vehicles

 — — Exhibit 11-F-4: Cash and Bank Accounts

 — — Exhibit 11-F-5: Life Insurance That Has a Cash Value

 — — Exhibit 11-F-6: Furniture and Household Property

 — — Exhibit 11-F-7: Stocks, Bonds & Securities

 — — Exhibit 11-F-8: Pensions & Retirement Accounts

 — — Exhibit 11-F-9: QDRO’s

 — — Exhibit 11-F-10: Miscellaneous Assets

 — — Exhibit 11-F-11: Tax Treatment of Marital Property

 — — Exhibit 11-F-12: Mutual Waivers

 — — Exhibit 11-F-13: Execution of Documents

 — — Exhibit 11-F-14: Financial Statement Addendum - Property Division Worksheet

 — — Exhibit 11-F-15: Sample Motion Requesting the Court Approve a QDRO

 — — Exhibit 11-F-16: Sample QDRO

 — EXHIBIT G: Debts

 — — Exhibit 11-G-1: Debt - Repayment of Marital Debts

 — — Exhibit 11-G-2: Debt - Financial Statement Addendum: Unsecured General Liabilities Allocation Worksheet

 — — Exhibit 11-G-3: Debt - Future Debt, Late Payment and Breach

 — — Exhibit 11-G-4: Debt – Other Debt-Related Items

 — EXHIBIT H: Taxes

 — — Exhibit 11-H-1: Jane Doe’s Taxes

 — — Exhibit 11-H-2: Taxes – Tax Dependents

 — — Exhibit 11-H-3: Taxes – Tax Treatment of Alimony

 — — Exhibit 11-H-4: Taxes – Tax indemnification

 — EXHIBIT I: Attorney Fees

 — — Exhibit 11-I-1: Attorney Fees

 — — Exhibit 11-I-2: Attorney Fees – Other Matters - Bankruptcy

 — EXHIBIT J: Life Insurance

 — — Exhibit 11-J-1: Life Insurance - Stepped Computation to Meet a Child Support Obligation

 — — Exhibit 11-J-2: Life Insurance - Stepped Computation to Meet an Alimony Obligation (No Children)

 — — Exhibit 11-J-3: Life Insurance

 — Chapter 11 Summary

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SECTION III: CONTESTED DIVORCES

.

CHAPTER 12: CONTESTED DIVORCES

 — Should I File an At-Fault Divorce?

 — Countdown to Filing Day

 — — Exhibit 12-1 – Countdown to Filing Day Checklist

 — Contested Divorce Checklist

 — — Exhibit 12-2: Forms that Start Your Divorce

 — — Exhibit 12-3: Forms Filed With or Shortly After Filing for Divorce

 — — Exhibit 12-4: Forms Your Spouse is Supposed to Get Back to You

 — — Exhibit 12-5: Sample Docket File Organization Chart

 — — Exhibit 12-6 – Jane Doe’s Docket File Document Control Sheet

 — How to Fill Out the Complaint for Divorce

 — — Exhibit 12-7 – Jane Doe’s Complaint for Divorce

 — Where Do I File?

 — What If I Need to File in a Hurry and Don’t Have a Certified Copy of My Marriage Certificate On-Hand?

 — — 12-8: Jane Doe’s Motion for Late Filing of Marriage Certificate

 — What If I Can’t Afford the Court’s Filing Fee?

 — The Automatic Restraining Order

 — The Sheriff’s Summons

 — What if My Spouse Files for Divorce First?

 — — Exhibit 12-9 – Jane Doe’s Answer to Jack’s Counter-Claim for Divorce

—  How to Answer Your Spouse’s Complaint for Divorce if You’re a Devout Christian

— — Exhibit 12-10 – Christian Example, ANSWER to Complaint for Divorce and Counter-Claim for Separate Support

 — Chapter 12 Summary

.

CHAPTER 13: SAFETY PLANNING

 — What is a Restraining Order?

 — The Restraining Order Recipe

 — A Hypothetical Restraining Order Scenario

 — — Exercise 13:1: A Botched Restraining Order Hearing

 — — Exercise 13-2: A Better Restraining Order Hearing

 — The Father’s Rights (a.k.a. Batterer’s Rights) Movement

 — How to Help the Judge ‘Get’ Your Case in 5 Minutes or Less

 — How to Dress for Court

 — Immigration Issues and Restraining Orders

 — Chapter 13 Summary

.

CHAPTER 14: TEMPORARY ORDERS

 — — Exhibit 14-1: Jane Doe’s Motion for Temporary Orders

 — — Exhibit 14-2: Jane Doe’s Certificate of Service and Notice of Hearing

 — Supporting Affidavits

 — — Exhibit 14-3: Jane Doe’s Affidavit in Support of Temporary Orders

 — Counter-Claims for Divorce

 — — Exhibit 14-4: Hypothetical Counter-Claim for Temporary Orders

 — How to Dress and Act in Court

 — Use Your Court’s Family Services or Conciliation Department

 — — Exhibit 14-5: Sample Family Services Session

 — — Exhibit 14-6: Jane’s Family Services Partial Stipulation

 — — Exhibit 14-7: Jane’s Temporary Orders Hearing

 — — Exhibit 14-8: Jane Doe’s Temporary Order

 — — Exhibit 14-9: Jane Doe’s Order for Support & Healthcare Coverage

 — Motion to Vacate the Marital Home

 — — Exhibit 14-10: Motion to Vacate the Marital Home

 — Chapter 14 Summary

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CHAPTER 15: CUSTODY DISPUTES

 — Types of Custody

 — Who Is the Primary Caretaker of the Children?

 — — Exhibit 15-1: Some Primary Caretaker Criteria

 — Custody Defects

 — — Defect #1 –Your Child has a Clear Preference for Your Spouse

 — — Defect #2 – Your Spouse Cares for Your Children 50% or More of the Time

 — — Defect #3 - Drug or Alcohol Addiction

 — — Defect #4 - Mental Illness

 — — Defect #5 – DCF has found you guilty of neglect or abuse

 — — Defect #6 – You Have a Criminal Record

 — — Defect #7 – You Suffer From a Physical Disability

 — — Defect #8 – You Aren’t the Biological Parent / Not Listed On the Birth Certificate

 — — Defect #9 – You Are Having an Affair

 — I Want to Hire a Lawyer to Handle My Custody Dispute, but Who?

 — How Much Should I Tell My Kids About the Divorce?

 — Post-Divorce Dating and Children

 — Who Gets Custody of the Kids Is Usually Decided First

 — Parent Education Classes

 — Parenting Plans

 — What if my spouse contests custody (Guardians ad Litem)

 — — Exhibit 15-2: Jane Doe’s Motion to Appoint a Guardian ad Litem (GAL)

 — — Exhibit 15-3: Jane Doe’s Limited Waiver of Privilege

 — What If I Need to Move Out of State with my Child?

 — — Exhibit 15-4: Jane Doe’s Motion to remove Minor children from the State

 — — Exhibit 15-5: Jane Doe’s Contested Child Custody Hearing

 — My Spouse Took My Kids Out of State and Filed for Custody There!

 — Chapter 15 Summary

.

CHAPTER 16: HIDING MONEY

 — Hiding Money: Act 1 – How to Spot B.S. In a Financial Statement

 — — Exhibit 16-1: Jack’s Income (Self-Employed)

 — — Exhibit 16-2: Jack's Payroll Taxes/Deductions

 — — Exhibit 16-3: Jack’s Weekly Expenses

 — — Exhibit 16-4: Jack's Liabilities

 — — Exhibit 16-5: Jack's Fishy Personal Loan

 — — Exhibit 16-6: Jack's Legal Fees

 — Hiding Money: Act 2 – Spotting Fishy Deductions in a Schedule C

 — — Exhibit 16-7: Jack's 1040 Income

 — — Exhibit 16-8: Jack's Schedule C Income

 — — Exhibit 16-9: Jack's Schedule C Expenses

 — — Exhibit 16-10: Jane's Proposed Schedule C Expense Exclusions

 — — Exhibit 16-11: Jane's Proposed Child Support Income Basis for Jack

 — Hiding Money: Act 3 – Documenting Your Spouse’s Side Job

 — — Exhibit 16-12: Jane Doe's Quicken Income/Expense Report

 — Hiding Money: Act 4 – The Sudden, Precipitous Drop in Income

 — Hiding Money: Act 5: Delayed Compensation

 — Hiding Money: Act 6: the Barter Economy

 — Hiding Money: Act 7: Digging for Gold

 — Hiding Money: Act 8: Going Underground

 — Why bother?

 — — Exhibit 16-13: Jane Doe’s Contested Hearing on Child Support

 — Chapter 16 Summary

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CHAPTER 17: DISCOVERY

 — Discovery Timeline Checklist

 — — Exhibit 17-1: Documents You Generally Owe the Other Party At the Time You File for Divorce or Within 45 Days

 — — Exhibit 17-2: Documents Your Spouse Generally Owes You Within 45 Days

 — — Exhibit 17-3: The Attorney ‘Discovery’ Toolbox Kit

 — Navigating the Rules of Procedure

 — Requests for Financial Statements

 — — Exhibit 17-4: Jane Doe’s Request for Jack’s Financial Statement

 — — Exhibit 17-5: Jane Doe’s Reminder Letter – Court Financial Statement

 — — Exhibit 17-6: Jane Doe’s Motion to Compel Jack to File His Financial Statement

 — — Exhibit 17-7: Jane doe’s Notice of Hearing on Motion to Compel Financial Statement

 — Request for Mandatory Self-Disclosure

 — — Exhibit 17-8: Jane Doe’s Request for Mandatory Self-Disclosure Documents

 — Responding to Your Spouse's Request for Mandatory Self-Disclosure

 — — Exhibit 17-9: Jane Doe’s Cover Letter for Self-Disclosure Documents

 — — Exhibit 17-10: Jane Doe’s Mandatory Self-Disclosure Compliance Affidavit

 — Document Requests

 — — Exhibit 17-11 Jane Doe’s Request for the Production of Documents

 — Answers to Document Requests

 — — Exhibit 17-12: Jane Doe’s Answer to Request for the Production of Documents

 — Requests for Admissions of Fact

 — — Exhibit 17-13: Jane Doe’s Request for Admissions of Fact

 — Answering Your Spouse’s Requests for Admissions of Fact

 — — Exhibit 17-14: Jane Doe’s Answer to Request for Admissions of Fact

 — Interrogatories

 — — Exhibit 17-15: Jane Doe’s Interrogatories

 — Answers to Interrogatories

 — — Exhibit 17-16: Jane Doe’s Answers to Jack’s Interrogatories

 — Expert Interrogatories

 — — Exhibit 17-17: Jane Doe’s Expert Interrogatories

 — Answering Expert Interrogatories

 — — Exhibit 17-18: Jane Doe’s Answers to Jack’s Expert Interrogatories

 — Depositions

 — — Exhibit 17-19: Jane Doe’s Deposition Subpoena

 — — Exhibit 17-20: Jane Doe’s Motion to Quash Jack’s Deposition Summons

 — What is Privilege?

 — — Exhibit 17-21: Jane Doe’s Motion to Quash Subpoena – Privileged Information

 — What Do I Do If My Spouse Ignores My Discovery Requests?

 — — Exhibit 17-22: Jane Doe’s Reminder Letter RE: Discovery Requests

 — — Exhibit 17-23: Jane Doe’s Cover Letter RE: Motion to Compel Discovery

 — — Exhibit 17-24: Jane Doe’s Motion to Compel Discovery and for Sanctions

 — — Exhibit 17-25: Jane Doe’s Affidavit in Support of Motion to Compel Discovery

 — Chapter 17 Summary

.

CHAPTER 18: THE PRE-TRIAL CONFERENCE

 — Scheduling the Pre-trial Conference

 — — Exhibit 18-1: Jane Doe’s Request for Pre-Trial Conference

 — The Pre-trial Conference Order

 — — Exhibit 18-2: Jane Doe’s Pre-Trial Conference Order

 — Property Division Factors

 — A Legal Writing Exercise: The Pretend Dear Judge Letter

 — — Exhibit 18-3: Jane Doe’s Pretend 'Dear Judge' Letter

 — Mandatory Meeting Before the Pre-trial Conference

 — The Pre-trial Memorandum

 — — Exhibit 18-4: Jane Doe’s Pre-Trial Memorandum

 — The Pre-Trial Conference Hearing

 — — Exhibit 18-5: On Your Feet in chambers Session at Pre-Trial Conference

 — — Exhibit 18-6: Jane and Jack’s Joint Motion to Convert to an Uncontested Divorce

—  Final Resolution of a Christian Divorce

 — — Exhibit 18-7: Jack Rayme’s Uncontested Motion for a Final Hearing

 — — Exhibit 18-8: Jack Rayme’s Unliateral Affidavit of Irretrievable Breakdown

 — — Exhibit 18-9: Final ‘Christian’ Divorce Hearing

 — Chapter 18 Summary

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CHAPTER 19: PREPARING FOR TRIAL

 — Beware What You Don’t Know You Don’t Know

 — What is my Theory of the Case?

 — Which Facts Support (or discredit) My Theory of the Case?

 — — Exhibit 19-1: Jane Doe Brainstorms the Issues

 — How do I Get My Evidence Before the Judge?

 — — Exhibit 19-2 – Jane Doe’s Evidentiary Issue Analysis

 — Direct Examination - The Proper Way to Ask Your Witness Questions

 — If I Say That You Say, It’s Hearsay

 — — Exhibit 19-3: Direct Examination Questions

 — — Exhibit 19-4: Jane Doe Gathers Impeaching Evidence

 — — Exhibit 19-5: Focus of Jane Doe’s Direct Examination Questions

 — — Exhibit 19-6: Jane Doe’s Proposed Direct Examination of Building Inspector, ISSUE #1 – Authentification of Building Permits by Building Inspector

 — — Exhibit 19-7: Jane Doe’s Proposed Direct Examination of Building Inspector, ISSUE #2 – Building permits While Jack wasn’t Working

 — — Exhibit 19-8: Jane Doe’s Proposed Direct Examination of the Building Inspector, ISSUE #3 – Photographs of Latest Job

 — What Facts Will my Spouse Use To Undermine My Theory of the Case and Support His Own?

 — Asking Your Spouse Leading Questions and Cross-Examining Your Spouse’s Witnesses

 — — Exhibit 19-9: Jane’s Proposed Direct Examination Script for Her Spouse

 — — Exhibit 19-10: Jane’s Proposed Cross-Examination Script for Her Spouse’s Witness

 — Subpoenas

 — — Exhibit 19-11: Jane Doe Subpoenas the Building Inspector

 — Trial Notebook(s)

 — Chapter 19 Summary

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CHAPTER 20: TRIAL

 — Opening Statements

 — — Exhibit 20-1: Jane Doe’s Opening Statement

 — — Exhibit 20-2: Jack’s Opening Statement

 — — Exhibit 20-3: Jane Doe’s Direct Examination of Her Spouse

 — — Exhibit 20-4: Jane’s Direct Testimony About Jack’s Earning capacity

 — — Exhibit 20-5: Jane Examines the Building Inspector

 — Closing Arguments

 — — Exhibit 20-6: Jane’s Closing Argument

 — Learn the Rules of Evidence with My Cousin Vinny

 — — Exhibit 20-7: My Cousin Vinny Fun Trial-Prep Exercise

 — --Chapter 20 Summary

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CHAPTER 21: FINAL DISPENSATION

 — — Exhibit 21-1: Jane Doe’s Judgment of Contested Divorce Nisi

 — Appeals – What Can I Do if I Think the Judge was Wrong?

 — Chapter 21 Summary

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CHAPTER 22: CONTEMPT

 — — Exhibit 22-1: Jane’s Complaint for Civil Contempt

 — — Exhibit 22-2: Jane’s Motion for Court Costs and Attorney Fees

 — — Exhibit 22-3: Affidavit from Jane’s Attorney Regarding Contempt Costs

 — — Exhibit 22-4: Contempt Notice of Hearing and Affidavit of Service

 — — Exhibit 22-5: Jane Doe Drags Her Spouse Into Court for Contempt

 — — Exhibit 22-6: Jane’s Second Contempt Hearing (aka The Three O’Clock Speech)

 — Chapter 22 Summary

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CHAPTER 23: CONCLUSION

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Other Books by Anna T. Merrill, Esq.

APPENDIX A: Model Separation Agreement –with- Minor Children

APPENDIX B: Model Separation Agreement –without- Dependent Children

INDEX

LEGAL DISCLAIMERS

This book is written for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute legal advice. It provides a general overview of common issues low and low-moderate income women often experience during divorce. This book is intended to help the reader plan for the impact of divorce on their lives and contain their legal costs, not replace legal counsel. Legal issues are complex matters. Your best source of legal advice is always a flesh-and-blood attorney who practices in your local courthouse.

The author is licensed to practice law in Massachusetts. Laws and theories of property division may vary from state to state. If you are not from Massachusetts, you will need to visit your state court website to download your courthouse-specific forms. Use of this manual is not meant to constitute legal advice as to the laws of another state or the unauthorized practice of law. No attorney/client relationship exists between the author and the reader.

This book is not intended to be an advertisement for legal services. The author will not accept individual client case inquiries made because of this book. Chapter 10: Piecing Together Legal Services makes suggestions on how to find your own legal counsel.

This book may not be copied or distributed in any way without the express written permission of the author.

Any advice, legal or otherwise, contained within this manual must be weighed carefully as to whether it would be helpful in your individual situation. If it doesn’t make sense, don’t do it! Laws change faster than books can be updated. Caveat emptor!

EMERGENCY SITUATIONS

This book is organized for a reader who purchases a book to survey the landscape before proceeding with their divorce. It has a heavy emphasis on gathering information, strategizing, and getting your financial house in order before you file. Sometimes, however, readers may already be in a crisis. Depending on your situation, you may want to read chapters out of order. Therefore, I will outline a few situations which commonly require immediate action (this list is not all-inclusive):

  SPOUSAL ABUSE: If you or your children are being physically abused, call 9-1-1. As soon as you have sought protection from the police, read Chapter 13: Safety Planning. The restraining order judge usually has the power to order temporary child support. Then come back and read the rest of the book.

  YOU GOT SERVED: If you have just been served with divorce papers, you need help immediately. Read Chapter 9: Piecing Together Legal Services. Once you have spoken to a flesh and blood attorney (even if only a courthouse lawyer-of-the-day) come back and jump right into Section III: Contested Divorces before coming back to the first section to do damage control. The court is very strict about returning paperwork on time. If you fail to do so, you could jeopardize your legal rights.

  FAILURE TO SUPPORT: If your spouse has moved out of the house and is refusing to support you, read Chapter 4: Child Support if you have minor children, or Chapter 6: Alimony if you do not have children. The court cannot retroactively order alimony or child support if you wait. You must go to court to get these things. Chapter 10: Piecing Together Legal Services tells you how to find an attorney or, if you cannot afford one, Section III: Contested Divorces gives you a general overview of how to file your own divorce so you can get a court order.

  CHILD CUSTODY: If your spouse is threatening to take custody of your children, read Chapter 15: Custody Disputes immediately to get a rough idea as to whether his threats have any merit. Then, read Chapter 9: Piecing Together Legal Services to help you find an attorney.

  INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTION: if your spouse is a citizen of another country, he may attempt to abduct your children. Immediately lock up your children’s passports and contact your local State Department to find out how to put a ‘red flag’ on your children’s record. This will increase the likelihood they’ll be stopped if he tries to take them out of the country. Visit the U.S. State Department website to get the latest information: https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/International-Parental-Child-Abduction.html

  IMMIGRATION ISSUES: If you are here illegally, on a conditional visa, or have applied for permanent residency and not yet obtained your green card, you need to speak to an immigration attorney right away! Filing for divorce could fatally impact your plans to remain in this country. Do not go to the Immigration and Nationalization Service for help. Go to an immigration lawyer to learn about the latest Green Card exceptions for victims of domestic violence. Most family law attorneys are NOT immigration attorneys! The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you find a suitable attorney: https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-and-immigrants/

  THEFT OF ASSETS: If your spouse is liquidating your assets, skim Chapter 2: Gather Your Acorns and Chapter 10: Contested Divorces, and then immediately go down to the courthouse to file for an emergency injunction.

  INHERITANCE ISSUES: Inheritance laws vary wildly from state to state. This issue goes beyond the scope of this Bootcamp Manual. Speak to an attorney as soon as possible or your parents might end up handing half of their lifelong hard-earned money to your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

  ANY OTHER ISSUE that you don’t feel competent handling on your own. Speak to an attorney, even if it’s just a 5-minute consultation with a courthouse volunteer lawyer of the day.

SECTION I:

KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING YOURSELF INTO

CHAPTER 1:

INTRODUCTION TO DIVORCE

The art of war is of vital importance to the state.

It is a matter of life and death,

A road either to safety or to ruin.

Hence under no circumstances can it be neglected.

.

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

---

Being trapped in a bad marriage can feel like huddling alone, in a cold, dark forest, in a rotted tree which pops and cracks in the wind. The small woodland creature—you—dreams of a better life, but you’ve heard so many stories about other small woodland creatures that wandered into the wilderness, only to get clubbed over the head or left to starve. With attorney retainers costing $5,000, $15,000, or even $30,000 each person, it’s all too tempting to ignore the dying tree.

You could, if you grow desperate enough, handle your divorce all by yourself. –If- your spouse is honorable; perhaps you can work out a fair outcome? But what will happen if your spouse doesn’t disclose all of their assets? Or hides their income? Or worse—physically hurts you or tries to take away your young?

If you don’t know what you are doing, going to court can be like gnawing your own leg off to escape a steel trap. A seemingly minor procedural error, such as failing to meet a deadline or object to a piece of evidence, can mean the difference between winning versus bleeding to death in the woods. But happily, there’s a continuum between hiring a full-service attorney and doing it all alone. If you do some preemptive legwork and educate yourself about the law, then you can spot-use legal advice to solve complex legal issues, represent you at specific hearings, or, if absolutely necessary, gear up for full-fledged war.

In other words, this book hopes to teach you what you don’t know you don’t know and give you some place to look things up before you call an attorney. This advice isn’t meant to replace an attorney--good legal counsel will always earn their fee. But so much of what drives client’s bills up isn’t picking the attorney’s brains, but rather hand-holding, re-re-re-explaining rudimentary facets of the law, chasing their own client for missing information, or pouring through poorly organized financial records for red flags that the client probably could have pointed out themselves for 1/10th of the legal bill.

DIVORCE ISN’T A SOMEBODY DONE SOMEBODY WRONG SONG

The first thing to understand about divorce is how limited the judge’s authority is to interpret your state’s divorce statute. He can’t make your marital estate any larger than it already is, nor can he give you a bigger share than you’re entitled to receive. He can’t allow evidence to come into play which the law says he’s not allowed to consider, and he can’t wipe out all of your debt with a single bang of his magic gavel.

In other words … the only people who win when you and your spouse fight about things the judge has little power to change are the lawyers who are handling your case…

No judge, anywhere, can undo all of the mistakes that you and your spouse made, back when you were still a couple. All they can do is divide what you have left so that you can limp off into the woods. As painful as divorce is, the court views it as a financial division little different than if you partitioned the assets of a business. You must focus on the things the court can give you, and not the times your spouse let you down. Any lawyer who tries to sell you vindication will be laughing all the way to the bank.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT…

"Experience is the name

everyone gives to their mistakes."

.

--Oscar Wilde, playwright

.

So, you might ask: "How does this lawyer know what I’m going through? Straight out of high school, I married the first guy who asked. By the time I realized I’d made a mistake, we had a daughter. For eight years I let this man, who’d dropped out of school in the 9th grade, constantly call me stupid." When the urge to go back to school and make something of my life became strong enough to stand up for myself, he responded by threatening to stab me with a screwdriver. That was how I got introduced to the wonderful world of divorce.

He could afford a lawyer, I was just a homemaker. He was a dual-citizen of another country and threatened to take my daughter, so I did whatever it took to appease him. We’d bought our house during the market peak—I assumed what we’d paid for it was the value—so I never had it appraised. I had no idea he wasn’t doing me any favors by ‘giving’ me a house worth $30,000 less than what we owed on it, or that he was supposed to pay at least half of the marital debt (which was in my name because he had lousy credit), or that he should have let me keep at least one of our four cars (which were all titled in his name).

In exchange for my child and a negatively mortgaged house, I handed him everything we owned. He walked away with tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of contractor tools without including them in the marital kitty, while I slept in a pile of clothing on the floor until a friend took pity and gave me an old mattress. I walked to work until I saved enough to buy a clunker which wouldn’t work when it rained. I did every odd job I could to make ends meet, including baiting fish ‘chum’ onto nets.

I remember my first day of family law class. I got so angry, I ran into the ladies room to cry.

Looking back, it isn’t the fact I had to sleep on the floor, walk to work, or handle fish guts which makes me angry today. It’s how many extra hours I had to work to keep a roof over my kid’s head—hours that I wasn’t able to spend with her—because I didn’t know what I was doing. Now that I’ve gone back to school and become an attorney, I’d like to help you avoid the same mistakes.

PRIOR PREPARATION PREVENTS POOR PERFORMANCE

Most women feel it’s immoral to strategize. I don’t want to play games! you might say. But when you’re a small woodland creature with limited resources, planning for a secure future is the only defense you have. Preparation and planning can level the playing field when you’re up against a larger, more powerful, and better-funded opponent.

Think back to when you were still in high school? Didn’t a guidance counselor help you figure out which classes you needed to take to get a job, learn a trade, or get into college? For four years, you busted your hump to get good grades. Did you feel immoral then? Of course not! So why wouldn’t you take those same steps to make sure you walk away from a bad marriage with your fair share of the assets? And a solid custody or alimony agreement so you can feed yourself, keep a roof over your head, and ensure your peace, sanity, and well-being?

If you do the legwork and come to the negotiating table prepared, not only will you save a significant amount on your legal bill, but your spouse is much less likely to play games. Once they realize you hold all the documentary evidence you need to hold their feet to the fire, first they will grumble, and then they will usually settle with a few minor digs. But if you don’t plan, the court can’t go back and make you whole.

Therefore, the first 1/3rd of this book focuses heavily on preparation.

Due to a broad range of reader experiences, there will be places where the text doesn’t seem relevant to you, or perhaps we break down a topic that you already know quite a bit about? In that instance, feel free to skim or skip ahead. This book has an extensive Table of Contents in case you need to look things up later.

WE’VE ALREADY REACHED A ROUGH AGREEMENT…

Congratulations! You’ve reached the holy grail of self-negotiated divorce, the over the kitchen table agreement. Skip ahead to Section II: Uncontested Divorces which starts with Chapter 10 and use the example forms to get the ball rolling. As you fill out the model Separation Agreement contained in Chapter 11 and the Appendixes, you will need to refer back to earlier chapters to fill out the blanks, such as how to calculate child support, alimony, and the court’s financial statement, as well as brush up on the law when dividing marital assets and debt. The Model Separation Agreements alone are worth the price of this book.

But be aware, a lot of the time you may think you’ve reached a fair agreement, only to have what you don’t know you don’t know come around to bite you in the backside. So I recommend you skim the earlier chapters and, if something later strikes you as just plain unfair, go back to fully read that topic and, if necessary, make an appointment to speak with a local licensed attorney.

AM I –READY- TO FILE FOR DIVORCE?

When I meet with clients, they’re often on the fence. Most fear they can’t survive financially, followed by concerns about how divorce will affect their children. Misery prompts them to consult with an attorney, but they’re not yet ready to divorce.

Doing the financial exercises outlined in this manual is the best gift you can give yourself. Some attorneys will engage in high-pressure sales tactics to convince you to file now. Resist! If you’re not being abused, absent some dire situation which could compromise your legal rights, it’s prudent to take stock of your life before jumping into something you’re not ready to handle. Yes, seek out legal advice earlier rather than later, but striking out on your own should be a well-planned journey, not a leap of faith.

Here are some common issues:

I CAN’T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY: Ways to pare down your legal costs by doing some of the preparatory work and piecing together legal services is covered in Chapter 9.

I CAN’T SURVIVE WITHOUT MY SPOUSE’S INCOME: Until you know exactly how many assets and how much child support or alimony you might receive, you don’t know whether or not you can survive. The first one-third of this book was written to help women like you answer these questions.

WE’RE STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE CHILDREN’S SAKE: If you are not being abused, perhaps you should attempt to work things out via marriage counseling? But being raised in a high-conflict household can often be more damaging than having their parents get divorced. There are ways to minimize the financial and emotional impact on your children. We look at this in Chapter 15: Custody Disputes.

I’M HOPING TO WORK THINGS OUT IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING: Before you enter marriage counseling, you need leverage. "The fact is that it is predominantly men who bring about the conditions that lead to divorce." (Gorden B. Hinkley, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). Men care how things affect them financially, not emotionally. It doesn’t matter how many times you say he hurt your feelings, unless there’s a price tag attached to his behavior, he has no motivation to change. Chapters 2-7 can help you estimate that jaw-dropping price tag.

CAN’T WE JUST SEPARATE? If you move out of the house without a framework to define your new relationship, you will be held responsible for your spouse’s mistakes. Complaints for Separate Support are not covered in this book, but if you have religious objections or other reasons for preferring a legal separation, such as military benefits or a physical disability, find an attorney who can negotiate a legal separation. A sample Temporary Separation Agreement is shown in Chapter 10: Uncontested Divorces.

If you move out of the house without a written agreement, it may constitute ‘abandonment!’

MY SPOUSE MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO THINK. What does your gut instinct tell you? What do your friends say? More likely than not, your spouse has a girlfriend sitting in the wings. Take stock of your situation because, eventually, his guilt will subside and his new girlfriend will start pressuring him to get rid of you. It’s coming, so you’d better be prepared!!!

CAN’T WE JUST ANNUL OUR MARRIAGE? Couples occasionally ask courts to declare there was never a valid marriage. Annulment is not covered in this manual.

You will not like the cold hard reality which emerges from the financial planning exercises in this book, but only the truth will give you the foundation to coordinate your divorce and survive. In other words, before you serve your spouse with divorce papers, do your Bootcamp exercises first!!!

MY SPOUSE JUST BLINDSIDED ME

71% of all divorces in this country are initiated by women. The tone of this book reflects this fact, urging you to prepare before you tell your spouse that you want a divorce. But what if you are the one who just got bushwhacked? If you’ve been caught unprepared, you need to do damage control immediately.

Get thee to a family law attorney with all deliberate haste lest thee find thyself out on the street, penniless, and without custody of thy children!!!

I can’t tell you how many women wander into my office weeks, even months after their spouse has had free rein with their finances and dragged them kicking and screaming into court. Many, in fact, don’t seek help until after the first court Temporary Orders hearing, after their legal rights have been irrevocably damaged. Denial is not your friend! If you’ve ever taken survival training or watched a survival show such as "Man vs. Wild", you know you need to move quickly to survive.

Getting ‘dumped’ is never pleasant. While your mind is reeling with uncertainty and your heart is breaking, you are in a very poor position to negotiate a fair divorce. Especially if your spouse has used this time to hide joint marital assets and artificially reduce his income so he can keep a bigger share. Therefore, you need to immediately do triage.

Take stock of what you have. Take your smartphone and go through every room in your house (and garage), taking pictures of everything you have.

Make a backup copy of any financial software, such as Quicken, to a flash drive.

Grab your checkbook registers, latest bank statements and utility bills and make photocopies.

If you have receipts or warranty information for any big-ticket items (such as your car, that new plasma television, etc.), grab those and make a photocopy as well.

Call any credit cards you hold in which your spouse is either a joint-cardholder or an authorized user and ask them to revoke his authorization to use that card. Skip ahead to Chapter 10: Uncontested Divorces and read the sub-heading entitled ‘Protect Your Credit’. It shows you how to gather credit card information, keep track of who you called, what to say to them, and has sample boilerplate follow-up letters.

Make sure you leave yourself at least –one- credit card to use until you have a chance to obtain a new one entirely in your own name.

If you don’t already have one, go to the bank and open a checking and savings account solely in your own name.

If your paycheck or any other recurring payment goes into your joint marital checking account, ask them to start depositing it into your own exclusive account. It may take a pay cycle to go into effect.

If you have any small, valuable items which might disappear, lock them up in a safety deposit box and give a list of what you’ve put in the box to your spouse.

Now grab some tissues, wipe your tears, and keep reading. It is critical you read up to Chapter 2: Gather Your Acorns as quickly as possible. You need to do damage control.

WHAT ABOUT SAME-SEX MARRIAGE?

Ever since the U.S. Supreme Court decided ‘Obergefell v. Hodges’ in 2015, marriage equality is now the law of the land. States are supposed to grant same-sex couples the same type of divorce that they would a cisgender couple, which means that issues related to property division are gaining consistency nationwide. But prior to this decision, many gay couples got married under marriage equivalency laws such as civil unions which means, while the couple may consider themselves married, when they go to get divorced, they may find some states refuse to recognize their marriage. When, where and how you became a couple can still impact how you will get divorced. And then there are other issues, such as alimony, child support, and who will parent your children, which can vary nationwide.

I have seen some inconsistent results, even here in Massachusetts (the first state in the country to declare same-sex marriage was legal) when it comes to issues surrounding the custody of children. If you conceived a child during the marriage and have followed the proper procedures to become legally registered as that child’s parent on their birth certificate, you probably don’t have a lot to worry about. But if you have cared for your spouse’s children as if you were their parent, but never formally adopted them, or your children were born in one state, but you moved to a second state which has different procedures to become formally registered as that child’s parent, there could be a host of issues should your partner wish to cut off access to their biological children. Too many times, I have had to console a heartbroken woman who was declared not the mother even though she’d been the primary caretaker for most of her non-biological children’s lives. If you are declared not the parent, there are other ways to gain the right to see your children (often bootstrapped off of ‘Grandparent Visitation’ rights cases which look at the child’s best interests), but it will never be as clean or as satisfying as having full legal parent status.

In other words, do your Bootcamp exercises to figure out where you’d stand if you were a cisgender couple, and then consult an attorney who is familiar with same-sex divorce in your jurisdiction to see if discrimination will affect your case. The good news is the LGBT community has many fine attorneys who can advise you on the nuances of this rapidly evolving area of law. We cover custody defects more thoroughly in Chapter 15: Custody Disputes.

MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DIVORCE ME, BUT IT’S AGAINST MY FAITH!

We live in a secular country where, not only does the Constitution separate church from government, but lately, the scriptures have come under attack as hate speech. When you state your objection to divorce on religious grounds, there’s a good chance that the judge will view your deeply held religious beliefs as malicious obstruction.

What’s a faithful person to do?

First, know you’re not alone. Even among Evangelical Christians, the divorce rate has crept up to 38%. While scripture says leaving your spouse is a sin, in a secular society, you cannot prevent your spouse from divorcing you. Your best option is to work with your church elders to counsel you and your husband, if he is willing. And if he isn’t, ask how they want you to structure your divorce so you can keep your dignity--and your faith—while going through the process.

While I make no claims to being a Christian divorce expert, according to church elders who I’ve consulted on difficult cases, they find precedent for an innocent spouse exception in 1 Corinthians 7, which states:

"If a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife … but if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace" -- 1 Corinthians 7:13-15.

In other words, let your husband be the one to file for divorce. You do not have to admit to a no-fault divorce in your divorce pleadings, but can demur (make a quiet objection) and ask the judge to rule that the marriage has broken due to the wishes of just one party -- him…

Attend all court hearings and advocate for your rights to the fullest extent that your faith will permit. "Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment" -- 1 Romans 13:1-2.

Your husband must "provide for his relatives…especially for members of his household, [or] he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" -- 1 Timothy 5:8. Attend mediation, and define your new life the way you would a temporary separation, where the goal is to not to "deprive each other [separate] except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again… --1 Corinthians 7:5. You can ask the mediator to help you creatively reword the Separation Agreement to act as a Joint Agreement for Legal Separation" so that you do not consent to a divorce, but can enforce your right to receive a fair share of the assets and separate support. Ask the judge to enter your Joint Agreement for Legal Separation as a final order into any judgment of divorce.

Heed the dream of Pharaoh concerning the fat cattle and the lean, the full ears of corn, and the blasted ears; and Joseph’s advice. "Gather all the food of those good years that come, and lay up corn under the hand of Pharaoh, and let them keep food in the cities. And that food shall be for