Kacie's Pass: Our Panoramic View of the Journey through Stillbirth

By Sara Burton

Kacie's Pass, written by Sara and Chris Burton is a personal story of the loss of a full-term baby girl. The perspective of friends and family members, who experienced this loss, are woven together to tell this moving story. Though extremely sad and intimate in nature, this book brings the reader towards understanding and hope. In this re-release and update, we see a glimpse of the Burton's lives twenty years after their loss and the impacts and insights they now have gained.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kainos Enterprises
• Release date: Nov 6, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386357926

Book preview

Panorama of Perspectives

Sara Burton — Kacie’s Mom

Chris Burton — Kacie’s Dad

Gary Carter — Kacie’s Grandfather, Sara’s Father

Wendy Carter — Kacie’s Grandmother, Sara’s Mother

Anne Cotton — Kacie’s Grandmother, Chris’ Mother

Rebekah Wilkinson — Kacie’s Aunt, Sara’s Sister

Lee Carter — Kacie’s Uncle, Sara’s Brother

Tim Charter — Pastor and Friend

Gayle Newton — Sara’s Friend

Brenda Stevenson — Sara’s Friend

* Newly added Cassidy Burton — Kacie’s Sister

* Newly added Rachel Patterson — Sara’s Friend

Ten Years From Now

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1998, 3:00 p.m., I will be in terrible pain.

Breathing heavily, with short, small breaths. I will be struggling for life.

My husband of five years will be prodding me on through my fight.

He will be expressing his love for me as he strokes back my hair, drenched with sweat.

His face will be wrinkled with deep concern and worry.

But still, he looks at me and gives me a little kiss of encouragement.

My whole body tenses as I give all my strength.

And at last, I will be able to relax as my precious baby girl is born."

Sara Carter (to become Burton)

Written for a High School English Assignment ~ September 16th, 1988

Section I: Setting the Stage of Hopes and Dreams

To set the stage helps one to understand the impact of an event. When hopes and dreams start, those seeds may take a while to germinate and grow but they are there nonetheless. We want to protect and create safety and so we prepare ourselves and our surroundings. It is a happy time to picture what might be.

Chapter 1: The Happy and Worried Anticipation

Sara

WHAT IF SOMETHING GOES wrong? I know I shouldn’t worry but sometimes things go wrong. How would I ever go on if something went wrong?

It was only two weeks before my due date and I was panicking. What if something happened to our baby? I got myself so worked up I was crying. My husband was doing his best to calm me down, telling me things would be all right and nothing would happen. I tried to listen and at least I managed to stop sobbing.

O.K. let’s think logically. If something is going to happen how is my worrying going to stop it. But if something goes wrong people will blame me for working too hard. No. I can’t think about that. I’ve done everything I was supposed to — prenatal vitamins, broccoli, fish, no caffeine, and sleep. I could control those things and I did.

The hard part was that everything else was beyond my control. I didn’t know what the everything else was and the thoughts of something going wrong scared me to death. No matter how much I wished and prayed, the truth was that I couldn’t get this baby to come out even one minute sooner than it was supposed to. I was not in control. I hated not being in control.

I had to stop myself from worrying so much. I had to stop hating not being in control. It was not going to help me. Things happen for a reason. I would just have to live with whatever comes my way. O.K. God, you knew this already — I’m not in control. Do whatever’s best.

Sara

JAPAN WAS NICE. BUT it had never been our intention to make Japan our permanent home. We often discussed the timing for moving back to Canada. December? March after the 1998 Olympics? Having spent three years in Japan we were pretty comfortable and quite successful. The dates discussed for a move home seemed to be moving further and further into the future and becoming less and less concrete.

But was it now time to go home? It was June and I was just offered a promotion that required a two-year commitment. As we weighed the options, my thoughts kept returning to the idea of starting a family. I couldn’t see myself having a child in Japan; not just because it would be very difficult to communicate with the Japanese doctors, but I really wanted our family to be there. I didn’t want to miss everyone’s joy of the birth of a new baby. I didn’t want my baby to miss the joy of our family.

My younger sister and her husband had also just decided to add a member to the family. She asked us to come home for the arrival of her little one. It was just as important to her that we were at home for her baby as it was for us to be home to have ours. They even offered us a place to live in their home for four months to make the transition easier.

After much discussion, our life was about to jump tracks and take on a new direction. We decided that we would give two months’ notice, take a vacation, return to Canada, and start a family.

WE GOT PREGNANT ALMOST immediately. And almost immediately I started to feel the changes in my body. The flights of stairs I constantly ran up and down at work suddenly felt bigger than Mt. Fuji. I was often dizzy in the afternoons. I couldn’t wait to confirm the suspicions of my pregnancy.

This, however, was not as easy a proposition since my Japanese was limited to asking for directions and simple conversations about hobbies and the weather. I took my English-Japanese dictionary to the pharmacy and tried to ask for a home pregnancy test. Somehow in Japanese I said something like, I think... pregnant.... The lady at the pharmacy was more than kind and quickly showed me the tests and I tried to follow as she explained how to use them.

That night our little Japanese pregnancy test said that the two of us would soon become a family of three. The next step was to try and find a doctor. When you can’t even read which buildings are offices and which are hospitals, finding what you need is sometimes a chore. After walking into an ear, nose, and throat clinic I got directions to a Women’s clinic.

I sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity. I passed the time with my dictionary looking up all my symptoms in Japanese so I would be able to communicate with the doctor. But all my preparatory work seemed to be in vain as I froze when I saw him. He was busy looking down at his paper work and asked me what the problem was. As I tried to form a sentence, he jumped and seemed just as scared as I was.

I quickly forgot the awkwardness when the doctor emphatically confirmed that yes, in fact I was expecting a baby. Wow! He wrote in his best English, Mar. 22th – my due date. He asked me when I would return home, assuming correctly that I wouldn’t have the baby in Japan. I told him the date of our flight and he asked that I come back when I was about nine weeks pregnant.

At nine weeks, he did an ultrasound and showed me a small 23 mm peanut-like shape and declared that was my baby. He then pointed out the little heartbeat and showed me another screen of the heartbeat blipping healthily across the screen. He printed off a picture and sent me on my way with his best wishes.

I couldn’t help smile all the way home – I had a picture of my tiny little baby. Little did I know it would be one of very few pictures I’d ever have.

JUST BEFORE WE LEFT our home of three years, Chris and I decided to take a final farewell holiday in Japan with another couple from Japan. It was a major highlight of our time there. Not only were we travelling to beautiful places, seeing first hand many historic places like Kyoto and Hiroshima and enjoying the company of our friends, we had the knowledge that we were going home — and with a baby growing in me. Home. Baby. We had such feelings of excitement and warmth, happiness and hope. If ever we had a perfect time in our lives, this was it.

Chris

When Sara and I made the decision to have a child, it seemed a logical choice. I’d always told myself I wanted to have my first child by the time I was 30. I was turning 31 in less than a year and though I was apprehensive I felt that this was the right time. We were ready to have a child.

The people we worked with didn’t seem to be in a hurry to have children. It was really a strange feeling for me to tell them that we were having a child. They didn’t really seem to care one way or the other. They said all the right things but there was no real camaraderie.

When we came back to Canada and met up with some old friends and made new friends at the church we attended, we saw many of them with children. While observing the parents and children, the whole idea of having a child began to sink in for me. And I really found myself wanting this child; I couldn’t wait for the child to come.

I probably appeared indifferent about kids a lot of the time. But that really wasn’t the case. In general, I try not to get too excited about a promise of something for fear that somehow I’ll be let down. I kept what I was feeling about the baby in check. But when I would see other families, parents with their children, it just confirmed my desire to be a parent. I especially watched the fathers.

I thought to myself, I can talk to these guys; we can share moments. But what I really wanted to share with them was different... to become part of the fraternity of fathers.

Rebekah

When Jerome and I found out we were going to have a baby, we were completely mesmerized by this new revelation. When Chris and Sara informed us of their good news, I was so excited. Our babies would be only three months apart. I liked the idea of our baby having a little cousin so close in age. We grew up not knowing our cousins well, as they were so much older than we were. Our babies would be instant playmates and would have the opportunity to become very close.

Sara

I enjoyed telling people we were pregnant. But I found it strange that some people who I thought would be extremely happy for us just gave their polite congratulations and other acquaintances would react in a big way. But of course our families were overjoyed.

Chris’ grandmother was especially happy. She had been waiting years for one of her many grandchildren to have a child – a grand grandchild she would say in her German accent. So many times she would complain about all her grandchildren having cats but no children. When we told her of our news she gave me the biggest hug and proceeded to bubble on and on about how long she had waited for this and how happy she was.

Brenda

Dear Kacie,

I remember when your mommy told me you were in her tummy. It was September 20th. She and your daddy had been home for about a month from living in Japan. I was so excited to hear the news.

I got to see your mommy again and by this time you had made her tummy swell. Your mom looked really pretty being pregnant. I just didn’t realize what a special baby you would be. I got to feel your hand or foot pressing against your mom’s belly. We couldn’t wait to see if you were a little girl or boy.

Chapter 2 Getting Ready for Baby

Rebekah

I REALLY ENJOYED THE next couple of months. Not only were Sara and Chris living in our home, but we were also able to share and compare the experiences of our pregnancies. For once in our lives, I was experiencing something before she was. Not only was I going through my own pregnancy but I had learned a lot in the past two years working for an obstetrician. I really enjoyed being the expert.

Chris

I thought it was really great that Sara and her sister were expecting at the same time. From my perspective I could watch and observe time how Rebekah was feeling and progressing and take mental notes as to what to expect next.

Since she was about three months ahead of us, I was mentally preparing myself for when Sara reached that stage. Rebekah gave us books and information that she had read on expecting. I leafed through them but I didn’t really spend a lot of time with them. I thought it was going to take care of itself. All the preparation in the world is okay but in the end it’s going to be Sara, the baby and the doctor. I’m going to be there to reassure her and comfort her. I just focused on what I could do to make the delivery easier.

Sara

I was interested in learning about the changes that were happening in my body. I would pick up a book about pregnancy now and again but it was never something I was obsessed about. Perhaps Chris’ reactions to new information about pregnancy acted to calm me down about the whole situation. But things were easy for me. I would be very tired at the end of the evening but that was basically the only complaint I had.

ABOUT 18 WEEKS INTO my pregnancy, I started to feel the baby move. It would be so slight and just for a short burst that most of the time I wasn’t even sure. I would try to show Chris but he would miss it — sometimes by half a second. Of course, he started to tease me saying it was just my imagination. That is until the tennis match.

One night we were getting into bed and I felt what I knew to be kicks. I placed Chris’ hand on my belly and swore to him that it wasn’t me. He felt our baby move. Finally. He then poked the baby and the baby poked back. Coincidence. He poked again and once again his poke was returned. This went on about five times. We laughed realizing we were playing with our baby for the first time.

WHEN WE HAD SETTLED in from the move, I called my former boss to see if there were any opportunities for me to work until I had the baby. He not only gave me a part-time job but since he and his family were going to Australia for a year, they offered us the use of all their baby stuff. We didn’t even know how much stuff we needed but we had it all. Clothes, crib, highchair – they were extremely generous in letting us borrow everything.

Chris spent his time looking for that ever-elusive, full- time teaching job and working part- time jobs. I also spent a good portion of my time helping my father develop his business. I really enjoyed it. It was challenging, creative, and analytical and something I was passionate about. We spent a lot of time planning and strategizing for the future. We wanted to build something that would be lasting and extremely positive. These things often took my attention versus my pregnancy. Though I loved my baby and loved being pregnant, I was busy. I was feeling good and didn’t really see a reason not to keep busy with work.

Chris

I remember lying beside Sara feeling the baby kick and thinking, When are you coming out? I want to see you. I want to hold you so badly.

I had a CD by Kenny Loggins that I purchased about three or four years before. The CD was a recording of a bunch of lullabies he had put together for his son. I initially purchased it because I noticed there was a song on it Return to Pooh Corner. Winnie-the-Pooh had always been a childhood favourite for me. As I listened to the CD, I also began to really enjoy the song All the Pretty Little Ponies. I told myself I was going to learn those songs. I