Sensational Wedding Officiant

By Raymond Cross

The most thorough and useful guide for Wedding Officiants worldwide, whether novices or experienced, whether serving congregations or providing for non-religious weddings in the community.

The naive view Officiants as merely talking heads, but Officiants are only too aware that there is enough to this role to challenge and stretch us to our limits. On top of this, sensational does not just happen; it must be created. Sensational involves giving our all with skills that elevate involvement and performance to launch couples unforgettably into commitments that hopefully last a lifetime. So together we investigate an Officiant's role, skills for exciting, fun and creative rehearsals, spell-binding ceremonies and quality business standards and practices.

Officiants do not work alone; they enlist synergistic cooperation of all ceremony participants and professionals. This involves delicate work behind the scenes and commanding presence wedding day. By working in this manner, Officiants may provide significant impact not only on wedding couples and guests but on wedding professionals as well.

Insights come from more than forty years of Officiating, analyzing what works and what doesn't and seeking creative solutions. Teaching takes into account new paradigms created by the almost limitless expansion of ceremony variables created by the internet and the movement of wedding ceremonies out of the confines of church traditions. It includes complexities, subtleties and surprises navigated along the way to high quality, smooth officiating.

It's a Mr. Fixit to improve the many strengths and weakness of wedding ceremony processes, as well as innovate more effective approaches to enhance all aspects of the wedding ceremony experience. Insights fill the gap in practical education of clergy and other Officiants.

Whether with years of officiating experience or just starting out, whether officiating in churches or in the community, you will find this the most complete and practical book about wedding officiating ever written.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Raymond Cross
• Release date: Oct 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463858479

Raymond Cross

Ray Cross describes himself as an "improvementist" – "Good, better, best never let it rest, until your good is better and your better, best." Ray always looks for ways of breathing new life, creativity and healing into all of his relationships and activities – a life drive that uncovers improvements and solutions to perplexing inefficiencies and weakness. Ray applies this drive to all he experiences. His books, therefore, touch on a variety of challenges that have crossed his path, both conceptual and practical.Ray was born in Toronto, studied for ministry at Ontario Bible College, where he earned a Bachelor of Theology. While pastoring in Peterborough, from Trent University he earned a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology.Ray pastored Baptist churches in Peterborough, Trenton, Port Hope, Oshawa and Scarborough for 32 years before retiring from pastoral service. Pastoral ministry, of course, involved all aspects of personal and family care. While pastoring, Ray took many practical ministry and counselling courses to enhance his skills as well a travelling province-wide teaching insightful seminars.Since retiring from pastoring, Ray has served as an Officiant, primarily for weddings. His wedding website,brideschoiceofficiant.com, provides matchless wedding ceremony resources couples love.Ray has been happily married since 1971 to Diane, a nutrition expert and public school teacher (retired). They have two grown children and three grandchildren. Ray shares that the incredible professional acting skills of his daughter, Andrea, inspire his quest for dynamic presentation in ceremonies.If you see Ray and Diane about town you will find them walking hand in hand. They also ice skate several times a week. They love to travel and delight in white sand beaches. A natural extension of their love of travel is Ray’s periodic service as guest minister on cruises ships.Ray is a thorough researcher, and his experience in sermon planning, public speaking, and service planning and coordination is evident in all he does.Ray is sensitive and responsive to the needs of those he serves, whether in weddings, public speaking or on the printed page.

Book preview

Sensational Wedding Officiant

Copyright 2018 Raymond Cross

ISBN# 9780463858479

Smashwords Edition

Thank you for downloading this eBook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support

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Cover picture by Ashley Topping,

as published in the Beautiful Beginnings Bridal Magazine, Summer/Fall 2016

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter One – Role

1. Character

2. Ceremony Master – Conductor, Coordinator, Choreographer, Communicator

Chapter Two – Ceremony

1. Priorities

2. Performance

3. Powerlessness

4. Printing

5. Power

Chapter Three – Rehearsal

1. Lead

2. Instruct

3. Adapt

4. Steps

5. Extras

Chapter Four -- Business

1. Character

2. Consultation

3. Communication

4. Cost

5. Contract

6. Computer

7. Collegiality

8. Composition

9. Compensation

Appendices

Invitation

About the Author

Introduction

Ray was exactly what we needed in an Officiant. He was helpful, friendly, open minded, professional and even funny. Ray is extremely well organized, more than you could hope for from any wedding vendor. His organization made our day go that much more smoothly. We did a rehearsal (which I highly recommend) and he did a great job controlling our wedding party and staying focused on the task so we didn't waste any time. Ray has more years of experience than I have been alive and it really shows! Many of our guests complimented his voice and demeanor. The Brides Candy Store that comes with Ray is also so helpful for planning. Lots of great information in there. You have the ability to really customize your service which makes your day that much more special. Don't hesitate to use Ray, he's worth every penny! — Brittany

God knows I am no perfectionist but definitely an incurable Mr. Fixit. In the presence of dysfunction or damage I instinctively move to repair mode. An 'improvementist', that's me. Perfection is still the goal, but 'improvementism' includes patience. So life for the 'improvementist' is not lived under judgment for imperfection, but is driven by a patient quest for perfection as a distant goal. Every failing is opportunity to improve.

Good, better, best.

Never let it rest.

'Til your good is better

and your better best.

– St. Jerome –

From this perspective, through more than forty years of officiating weddings, life has been an adventure in honing skills to make wedding ceremonies more meaningful and memorable. All along the way I recorded my discoveries in hopes of up-scaling my own efforts and contributing to those of others.

Retiring from pastoral ministry enhanced this adventure exponentially. As a pastor weddings were primarily those of parishioners in the church sanctuary. Church culture and structure set bounds. Serving weddings outside of church opens borders. Creativity flows. Inclusions and expectations of ceremony atmospheres expand. Weddings are held in parks, meadows, backyards, camp grounds, convention centers, golf courses, castles, wineries, restaurants, boats – you name it. Couples include not only children but pets, wagons, squirt guns – you name it. The non-churched express preference for light-hearted ceremonies led by Officiants with a sense of humor. (This never came up in more than thirty years of pastoring.) From this breadth of experience, this book provides a most complete practical guidance resource for the full gamut of wedding ceremony possibilities and enhancements.

Part of my inspiration for this comes from my wife, who travels with me navigating, managing documents and caring for my needs. During ceremonies she sits in the car enjoying a good book. While so ensconced she observes wedding guests arriving, many of them late with no apparent interest in attending the ceremony.

What? I ask.

What has created such disinterest?

Why do so many view wedding ceremonies unworthy of attention, or even attendance?

What is it that convinces some people that a wedding ceremony is the least enjoyable part of a wedding?

Are wedding ceremonies that boring?

Based on a life-time of making wedding ceremonies everything they can be and a passion for perpetual improvement, I would love to turn this on its head. How great it would be for those who miss ceremonies I officiate to be left in a shadow of disappointed, surrounded by elated guests raving about what the ceremony they missed! Surely, more than anything else, the ceremony ought to be the highlight of weddings. Sensational Officiants aim at nothing less.

Yet, despite my growing awareness of the importance of impactful wedding ceremonies, four years of training for pastoral ministry included no instruction for weddings. In fact, Dr. Lester Dennis, in a study of one hundred Bible Colleges, assessed them good for theological course content but dismally poor in practical training. So students graduate and enter pastorates, minister's manual in hand only, untrained in basic functions such a weddings and funerals. Surely such a void ought to be addressed. On the job training, without the benefit of course content from seasoned professors trained by study and experience, is tantamount to ministry by trial and error.

So now, having officiated hundreds of weddings for a wide variety of couples in many settings, never settling for status quo, I am the seasoned professional with content to share. Moving from couple to couple, venue to venue and collaborating with many different wedding professionals has helped me to develop skills and procedures carefully sculpted for premium impact. So, from more than forty years of searching, doing, trying and applying, I present to you a lifetime of learning how to be a Sensational Officiant—field-tested, cutting edge improvements and creativity, yet also sensitive to the worth of time-tested traditions and values.

Come learn with me. We will explore complexities, subtleties and surprises encountered in officiating wedding ceremonies. As well, we will explore how to organize and run a high quality, smoothly operating officiating business. Since we will experience this together, I will not be writing in the third person he/she or the directive second person you, but from the first person I perspective. This is not to set myself up as the quintessential Officiant but rather so that the tone of our sharing might be more descriptive than prescriptive. Good officiating is as individualized as Officiants and couples we serve. It is a blending of personalities in performances. So I expect readers will adjust these techniques according to personal preferences. With high standards of performance, considerable latitude of approach is appropriate.

Whether with years of officiating experience or just starting out, whether officiating in churches or in the community, you will find this the most complete and practical book about wedding officiating ever written. From extensive experience I will provide invaluable practical understanding of the Officiant's role and how to roll out a successful officiating business, how to manage normal expectations and even surprises beyond anticipation. So, beyond description of the Officiant's function—who we are, what we do, why we do it, and how, I share what to do to raise the bar for truly sensational weddings.

I have chosen the word sensational due to the richness of its meaning...

– Pertaining to the senses and sensation

– Arousing the senses

– Aiming to excite

– Stunning

– Causing intense interest

– Causing intense emotion

– Widespread excitement

– Exceptionally great

– Extraordinarily good

– Never to be forgotten

'Sensational' so beautifully weds extraordinary with emotion, both sensational targets. Since there is no motion without emotion, Sensational Officiants aim to pique interest, tickle humor and stir emotion to build unforgettably sensational ceremony memories.

Sensational does not just happen; it must be created. It is not the product of imperceptiveness, half-heartedness or mediocrity. Sensational means giving our all to provide our best. We anticipate, listen, adjust, prepare, assure, communicate, guide, coordinate, perform, follow-up.... The least we should do is the best we can do.

Chapter One

ROLE OF A SENSATIONAL WEDDING OFFICIANT

My Wonderful Wedding

My marriage began with a sensational wedding, and got better from there. I had little to do with ceremony planning and preparations. My wife was its inspiration and designer. I was merely swept along by the wonder and I continue to love her for that amazing memory. What an incredible way to launch married life together! To this day I yearn to provide similar memories for others as a sweet foundation for marital resilience.

At writing, our marriage is now in its forty-sixth year. I believe in marriage. For me it has proven a wonderfully challenging life, a solid foundation for the birth and development of our children, and for personal growth as my wife and I have worked to build together a life we could never have achieved singly or apart. On top of this, it is my belief and experience that God designed marriage as the ultimate experience of uninhibited intimacy this side of heaven.

When a wedding is sensational, be sure there has been exceptional leadership and planning behind it. Much of this is done along the way by the couple, perhaps family members and friends, probably also exceptionally attentive and capable wedding planners, caterers, decorators, DJs, musicians, photographers, videographers and, oh yeah, almost forgot, able Officiants. I say almost forgot because it seems that of all personnel involved in weddings, the importance of a quality Officiant is often least recognized. It is a blind spot that can have dire consequences to the quality of a ceremony. As with all other wedding specialty professions, sensational ceremonies demand exceptional officiating.

Who Are Wedding Officiants?

Defining who Officiants are is essential to what we do. By dictionary definition an Officiant is 'a person who leads a religious service or ceremony, such as marriage, burial or name giving/baptism.' There is therefore, a religious component to who Officiants are, though currently the title is also applied to non-clergy licensed to marry, better termed Celebrants. Blurring it further is increased involvement of clergy Officiants in ceremonies for people who request no religious content, the previous realm of judges and justices of the peace.

One cannot become an Officiant by direct application. The application for a Licence to Marry must be submitted by a government recognized religious body on behalf of each candidate, usually after ordination.

Due to the manner in which we receive our Licence to Marry we naturally tend to bind together the roles of clergyman/pastor and Officiant, but they are actually different and can be separated. Pastoring is a role established by churches. Officiating is licensed by the government. When extending officiating beyond congregations into the community, the role takes on a life of its own. No longer is it connected to pastoral role responsibilities.

Churches enlist pastors to shepherd their flock toward God-honoring beliefs, attitudes and actions. So, officiating as pastors usually involves quality of life counselling. The orientation of officiating changes when clergy no longer pastor, when they no longer have a role with recognized responsibility and authority to meddle in the lives of congregants in hopes of enhancing the spirituality and functionality of their living. People in the community have made no commitment to follow our example or instruction. They are generally not interested in our preaching or teaching. They come to us to have one need met, to get married.

Marriage is a foundational social structure of society for the establishment of stable families. In itself, it is good. When clergy no longer pastor, the role of Officiant operates on its own, as a government authorized service in the community, to the community. Couples come to be married by one empowered by the state to make that happen. To require that couples submit to a pastor/parishioner relationship and counsel in order for us to agree to their request is outside our role or authority.

Exceeding the Legal Role

Wedding Officiants and Celebrants are agents of the government to administer marriage vows and complete documents for submission to the government for registration. The role description requires nothing more than this. It does not require pastoral responsibilities. Nor does it require ceremony development and implementation beyond required legal wording. It does not require stage presence, or special garb, or participation in special events. Nonetheless, rarely do Officiants treat their role like that of a clerk. Most Officiants and Celebrants bring to their government authorized activities much more than mechanical compliance. Indeed there is so much more we can and should provide.

1. Character

Intimacy and Proficiency in Dynamic Balance

In wedding officiating we are invited into people's lives at a formative and emotionally charged juncture. Couples want to feel cared for and important but also want to be assured that technical aspects they entrust to their Officiant will be managed efficiently and effectively, and that the Officiant will fulfill active participation in the ceremony and its rehearsal with both professionalism and personality. With this assurance of sensitivity and quality couples should be able to relax entrusting their wedding ceremony into our hands.

2. Ceremony Master

In essence, a wedding requires a couple, a Marriage License, two witnesses and an official registered with the government to administer legal vows and ensure legal papers are properly completed, signed, witnessed and submitted to the government for registration. Nothing more is legally required. Without a government licensed Officiant, Official or Celebrant an occasion is only a party. Without them nothing can occur to create a marriage.

In her book entitled, The Everything Destination Wedding Book (© 2007, F+W Publications, Avon MA, Pg. 216), Shelly Hagen wrote, Usually all a civil Officiant needs from you is the marriage license and witnesses. You tell him when and where to show up, and he'll just step into place and perform the ceremony. While this might describe the most basic level of Officiant service, rarely is that all there is to it. Usually it morphs into much more. So, most weddings I lead do not and should not match this description.

Sensational Wedding Officiants approach their task as being much more than merely talking heads. Few couples I encounter desire such bare bones involvement except for ceremonies chosen for privacy reasons, as one cog in assembly-line style venue operations or as inexpensive pre-destination legalizations in anticipation of a sun-soaked celebration.

As well, awareness that an Officiant's major responsibility is in leading a ceremony proves comforting when things go wrong wedding day, such as when weather closes in so that a ceremony has to be relocated. In such circumstances, others are responsible for arrangements; we just move into position to fulfill our role. In these circumstances, with our work in preparation complete, we adapt to whatever happens.

Wedding ceremonies are the special domain of Officiants. Above all others, Sensational Officiants focus on the dynamics of the ceremony to accomplish goals that lock the wonder of wedding commitment in the hearts and minds of couples, their attendants and their guests. Merely speaking words and positioning people, an exceptional ceremony does not make. Truly sensational ceremonies flow from tapping into the manner in which wedding customs give expression to the inner psychology of the wedding experience. This is the subtlety that distinguishes sensational weddings from mediocre.

In the community, an Officiant is one professional among many others who provide specialized dimensions of wedding planning and performance. While officiating, we rub shoulders with expert Planners, on site Coordinators, DJs, live music, Photographers and Videographers. As such, Officiants need a humble, co-operative, team spirit for the sake of pleasant, orderly and dignified wedding experience for all involved. In dealings with other wedding professionals, therefore, I aim to be considerate, respectful and supportive. I view them as colleagues rather than competitors, even if, at times, they might not reciprocate in like fashion. By working in this manner, I have discovered that an Officiant may have significant impact not only on wedding candidates and guests but on all others, including wedding professionals with whom we work.

This humble cooperativeness should not, however, be confused with wimpiness. Our responsive coordination is purposeful to elevate the wedding service team to maximum cooperative output for the sake of a well-ordered, up-beat, quality wedding. Pleasantness must not compromise that goal. Anyone or anything that threatens quality must be managed, decisively if necessary. Any deviation from this objective should elicit exertion to put things and people back in order. So sensational Officiants should not be reticent or feel guilty for fulfilling a role of Ceremony Master for the sake of an exceptional wedding experience.

Working with Wedding Professionals

Church cultures and buildings involve strictures for what is appropriate to weddings and the actions of professionals involved. In the wider world such limitations virtually disappear, unless leadership imposes them. So entering wedding venues can sometimes be like stepping into a wrestling ring, as people jockey for control. Every DJ, music provider, Photographer, Videographer, Planner and Officiant is different so this dynamic varies widely. In such circumstances I find establishing a clear definition of my leadership role foundational.

As Officiant, I bring the most comprehensive concern for ceremony quality. It is therefore most appropriate that I lead and establish the authority to do so. In my mind, it is inappropriate for anyone other than the Officiant to take charge of a wedding ceremony. The ceremony is our specialty. It is for us to coordinate all others to ensure that the ceremony flows well for the maximum benefit of the couple and the optimum enjoyment of guests. Unless overruled by the couple, therefore, I am the ringmaster.

Whenever there is a leadership vacuum, someone will take charge. If Officiants don't, a subservient role will be imposed upon them. With this in mind we must recognize that every other professional that provides their specialty to weddings develops their own concepts of what they are doing and how they should do it. For an Officiant to lead the ceremony will require our providing guidance for adjustments in these habitual thought processes and practices.

As Ceremony Master, I bend over backwards to orchestrate peaceful and constructive working relationships between myself and all others involved in a ceremony. As Wedding Planners, Photographers, Videographers, DJs and live music fulfil requirements imposed upon them by their role, I serve as choreographer to coordinate the beauty of the dance we perform together. I want the atmosphere that we as professionals carry into a wedding to be celebrative, cooperative and flexible.

Relations with Photographers and Videographers

Before weddings, photographic professionals demonstrate recognition that Officiants are in charge by routinely asking them what is acceptable. Despite this courtesy, some settle into entrenched methods contrary to this guidance—misbehaving out of reach of discrete corrective action. So communicating and working with wedding professionals can provide its challenges, especially if role expectations are skewed in ways we don't anticipate.

Assisting my daughter with her wedding photography and videography business helped me understand and appreciate the challenges they face. Challenges sometimes exacerbated by obstructive and defiant clergy who are dictatorially territorial, rude, physically aggressive, purposely block pictures, unilaterally refused flash photography. These actions unconstructively interfere. Is it any wonder that many photo professionals dread the prospect of working with Officiants? In my opinion actions like these are inexcusable among professionals who should be seeking to work together to provide the best wedding experience and memories of the bride and groom's day.

Photographers and Videographers are hired to capture the ceremony and wedding in pictures. This requires careful and skilled use of cameras, tripods, lighting and access to opportune angles. As Ceremony Master, my role is to enable them to get the best possible pictures and video without that effort compromising the couple's full enjoyment of their wedding.

Nonetheless, working with Photographers does not mean giving them unfettered freedom. Of all wedding professionals, there is need to reign in Photographers and Videographers. Always trying to get that exceptional shot can make them unpredictable and sometimes inappropriate. In one wedding, for example, while the bride and groom were exchanging rings, a Photographer placed his camera on top of this Officiant's ceremony book. To get a killer shot, he killed the ceremony. Everything stopped. I couldn't read. I acted unperturbed awaiting being able to proceed, while inwardly fuming at the utter inappropriateness of such indiscretion. Now, so I can do my job dependably, I ask that Photographers and Videographers not come within four feet of me while I am officiating.

Sensational Officiants fully support photographic efforts as long as they don't steal irretrievable memories—memories I treasure almost as much as couples. The unveiling of my bride and the pageantry of her approach more than forty-six years ago remains a most cherished memory. Sensational weddings provide such indelible memories, especially of processionals, when brides, in all their wonder, approach their groom to give themselves fully to him. Couples must have unobstructed view of each other for those precious moments of heart throbbing connection. Obstructing their view of each other at this juncture flies in the face of the historical purpose of those momentous moments. So I work everything, from rehearsal to ceremony, for optimum impact, especially during the processional.

Sad to say, I have experienced photographic professionals with no awareness of such instinctive priorities. A case in point is brides who fail to blow her groom away with her beauty because they were unable to see each other. What does she see? Not her love awaiting her. Not his tear-filled eyes dilated with delight? NO! In front of her, a camera lenses blocking her view of everything. Even as she begins to move forward to her groom, Photographers and Videographers move backward in front of her, And what is the groom's view at this precious moment—the back of a Photographers and Videographers!!! How insulting! How intrusive! How rude! To capture a decisive picture, a couple is denied incredible first-hand wonder for which they have prepared so diligently. In zeal for photographic and videographic capture memories are irretrievably stolen.

Especially saddening is rehearsing for optimum impact of tender emotion, only to have that effort pre-empted. Since Photographers do not attend rehearsals, they most naturally plug themselves in wherever they choose, usually based on habitual positioning they feel worked before. Original experience fades for a photo. Mindless interference. Surely, anything done intentionally that restricts or reduces a couples enjoyment of any memorable part of their wedding should be seen as what it is – wicked!

Adequate consideration needs to be given to what is blocked in front and from behind. While their camera is toward the bride their back may be toward the groom, so they may not even be aware of the line of sight that they are blocking. Positioned beside the groom at the front of the aisle, however, I feel the pain through keen awareness of precious moments stolen. In one inconsiderate action Photographers neutralize the intended impact of sacred events. Should not Photographers learn to be sensitive so that they look forward and back to see what they are blocking while they work? Surely they could stand slightly to one side and still get the shot without interfering with a couple's experience of their wedding.

Venues that have only a center aisle, with no