The Secret Language

By John Croucher

The real meaning behind what people say.
Have you ever wondered what the ads in the real estate section really mean when they describe a property as having 'period detailing' or 'uninterrupted views' or 'huge potential'? Or what is really going on in your partner's head when they say 'We need to talk' or 'Do whatever you want'? And what about when your boss encourages you to 'think outside the square' or tells you that they 'value your input'? Cliches are so much a part of our everyday communications that we rarely stop to think about the meaning behind the tumble of words. In tHE SECREt LANGAUAGE John S. Croucher grabs these expressions by the throat, shakes them about a bit, and then squeezes out the truth. With chapters on Real Estate, Motor Vehicles, Law and Order, Business, Retail, Medicine and Relationships, this is the perfect book for dipping into when you're looking for the truth ... or a good chuckle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers Australia
• Release date: Jul 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9780730445333

John Croucher

John S. Croucher is Professor of Statistics at the Macquarie Graduate School of Management, and one of Australia's most prominent statisticians. Author of 15 books, he is well known for his weekly newspaper column 'Number Crunch' in the SYDNEY MORNING HERALD and THE AGE.

Book preview

Preface

Even as a young boy I was fascinated with clichéd expressions and soon found myself totally immersed in the concept, eagerly scanning for old favourites that seemed to touch almost every form of human endeavour. In industries where success often depends more on luck than skill, these pronouncements can act as a magnet that will enhance and captivate the unwary while at the same time actually saying absolutely nothing.

These are the countless intriguing examples of jargon that invade our everyday lives, dreamed up by some of the best and worst lights of a genius mind. Often known as weasel words or Doublespeak, there is something irresistible in making light of seemingly innocent but often meaningless phrases. Perhaps it’s time we pause to think about what could be the real intention behind their use.

Used by those who are often gifted with little ingenuity or vision, these expressions rely on the presumed ignorance of the audience they are trying to reach. As banal as many of them may be, in the hands of an experienced presenter they can either be most compelling or provide a curious mixture of bemusement and high comedy to those who can immediately see through them. An uncharitable view could be to label the perpetrators of these terms as being guilty of sharp practices, but this would be unfair since even the dullest listener would eventually become suspicious and immune from harm. Indeed, many of these expressions require skill and delicacy in execution and must be rendered with a straight face to conceal any hint of trickery or mirth. Such mastery can only be acquired with practise.

The sources of these expressions are many and varied but all have appeared somewhere in the media, often multiple times and over many years. And yet they have retained their popularity and enjoy an exalted position among advertisers and office workers who no doubt view some of them with great affection.

Often delivered with prodigious zeal, this almost endless stream of slogans and half-truths which invades our everyday lives does nothing more than betray the creativity of the messenger. The scholarly discourse of real estate agents rates one of the lengthiest mentions in this volume, partly due to the seemingly infinite wealth of material used to beguile and charm prospective buyers and also because property is the biggest purchase most people will ever make. Inevitably the truth turns out to be less romantic than reality, but few expressions offer so much pleasure to readers, in their dogged determination to put the most positive light as possible on a property.

I would particularly like to thank my editors Kylie Mason and Natalie Costa Bir for their splendid efforts in making this book into the finished product. Of course none of this would have been possible without the loving assistance of my wonderful wife Rosalind, whose laughter, patience and guidance made it such an enjoyable project. She is the light of my life.

JOHN S. CROUCHER

Real Estate

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

ANONYMOUS

What he lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in stupidity.

ANONYMOUS

Abutting the waterfront reserve

there’s a bank of leaking septic tanks on the vacant lot at the rear

A ‘concept’ house

nobody can decide what to do with it

A facelift required to iron out the wrinkles

see Handyman’s dream

Affordable

cheap for a good reason not specified

A home of character

old

A host of exciting opportunities

most of which involve knocking down the house

A house of pleasure

a brothel

A landmark property

formerly owned by a drug dealer

A lifestyle choice

we haven’t been able to find anyone who would actually want to live here

Alfresco entertaining

there’s no room to eat inside

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

MARK TWAIN

All offers considered

we haven’t had any yet

All seasons sunroom

there was no money to include insulation

A one-off masterpiece

nobody would be stupid enough to build anything like this again

Architect designed

that explains the ugliness of the construction

A real head turner

the ceilings are so low you can’t stand fully upright

Art deco design

hideous

A secluded property

impossible to get to without a helicopter

Attention to detail required

you’ll break your neck if you don’t fix the front steps

Awaiting a new lease of life

it’s already been on the market for ages

Award winning

ugly and totally impractical

A girl phoned me the other day and said ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Babbling brook at rear

open sewer at the back

Be first in

nobody else has been game to live there

Birdsong

flocks of invading cockatoos will deafen you every morning and evening

Breathtaking

there’s an awful untraceable smell in all the rooms; see also Just available

Breezy

built in a hurricane-prone area

Blank canvas

there are no doors or walls

A breath of fresh air

this is what you’ll be looking for when you realise there is a fume-belching factory next door

Budget starter

the cheapest house we have and for good reason

Calling all builders

see Handyman’s dream

Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

DARRIN WEINBERG

Casual living

the house has been left in an unbelievable mess by the previous owners

Cathedral ceilings

you’ll never be able to change the light bulbs

Character of yesteryear

old, dilapidated and riddled with white ants

Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!

Dump! Dump! Dump!

Chic

means nothing but is an attempt to sound trendy since it has nothing else going for it

Circa

we haven’t the faintest idea when it was built but it looks really old

Class of its own

the worst house in the neighbourhood

Classic simplicity

built like a box and as boring as you can get

Clean as a whistle

thoroughly scrubbed to erase all evidence of the crime scene

Clever design

a deranged architect was let loose on the plans

He’s turned life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

DAVID FROST, TV-AM, 1994

Close to everything

between the pub and the brothel, on the edge of the highway

Comfortable home

the rooms are as big as cupboards

Compact-designed kitchen

the kitchen is too small to fit two people at the same time

Completely remodelled beachfront property

built in a hurricane zone; the last time it was hit has made it uninsurable

Contemporary home

still unfinished

Convenient

see Close to everything (above)

Corner position

you are more likely to be robbed but can enjoy traffic noise from two directions

Cosy

none of the bedrooms can fit a double bed

Cottage appearance

the size of a caravan with creepers growing up the side

Country living

too far to drive to work and there’s no public transport available

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve