Life Lines: A Lyrical Laugh at Life

By Sharon Wadsley

Characters and situations you may perchance to meet in everyday life. From the amorous carpet fitter to the over-zealous vicar. The sulky teen to the man with that certain something, all in this humorous collection

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Jun 13, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483648132

Sharon Wadsley

Born in Lancashire, England in the 1960’s, Sharon grew up looking at situations with a perspective of fun. She tried to see the humorous side of things, and then put them into verse. Hopefully, these verses will strike a chord with other, like-minded folk! Any similarity regarding persons living or dead is a complete co-incidence!

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 by Sharon Wadsley.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-4836-4812-5

                 Ebook          978-1-4836-4813-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 06/11/2013

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

0-800-644-6988

www.xlibrispublishing.co.uk

[e-mail]

307035

Contents

A Bad Hair Life

A Bathing Beauty

A Cautionary Tale

A Certain Something

A Hair Raising Experience

A Love That Comes From The Sole

A Pork And Ham Experience

A Problem That Needled…

A Royal View

A Short Sighted View

Age is a Matter of the Mind…

Another Cautionary Tale

Be Careful What You Wish For…

Beauty is Only… Skin Deep…

Brian’s Microwave Bombshell

Cats and Mobiles

Charity Begins At… Home?

Cheers!

Chews News

Childhood Memory

Christmas, Hampered?

Clipboards

Combat-Ability

(Don’t) Send in the Clowns

D. I. Why?

Decoration Aggrevation

Devine Intervention

Discrimination!

Does Not Compute

Everybody Knows One

Excuse Me!

Fat!!

Fat; and That’s That

Flak a Mac

Foundation Garment Fiasco

Geordie Naylor’s Snotters

Grandma’s Trifle

Greed

Happy to be Hiking

I’m Not One to Gossip

If I was Really Gorgeous

It’s Being so Cheerful…

Kill Jill? . . . .

Knickers to It

Lets Chew it Over

Love is Blind

Out With a Bang(er)

Please Don’t Bring Your Brenda

Please Don’t Ever Leave Me

PMT

SHH!

Stan the Rent Man

Stilljestin’

Take Your Boots Off, Our Lucy

Tanfastic!

The Ballad of Elizabeth and Nat

The Carpet Casanova

The Checkout Operators’ Lament

The Fresh Air Monster

The Hunt for a Hundred Handbags

The Local Pound Shop

The Million Dollar Question

The Old Fur Coat

The Tweed Jacket Man

When the Bough Breaks

When the Chips Are Down…

Why???

A Bad Hair Life

I HATE my hair, have I told you that,

or have I kept it under my hat?

It kinks up and curls in the drizzle and rain,

despite the serum, it’s all in vain.

I watch the adverts, I sit and drool,

then go and buy the product—like a fool,

but does it give me lovely shiny hair?

No it doesn’t, and I’m in despair.

Aloe Vera! Pearl proteins and Fig!

My hair resembles Worzel Gummidge’s wig.

It won’t lie flat, and it gets me mad,

all rough and wiry, like a Brillo pad.

Look on the bright side, though, I think,

it’ll come in handy for scrubbing the sink… .

My parting is such sweet sorrow… .

A Bathing Beauty

Susan hated being wet,

if it was raining, you could safely bet,

she’d be running along with all her might,

her anorak hood strings pulled in tight.

Susan, was only eleven years old,

waiting, mainly, for life to unfold,

enjoying lessons on her learning path,

but Susan, despised the swimming bath.

She dreaded going up to school,

the day they visited the local pool,

it filled her with a desperate, dismal gloom,

for her Mother made her wear, her sister’s costume.

Our Karen didn’t wear it anymore,

she was a fifth-year now, and swimming? A bore,

and they could choose their subjects, anyway,

so she didn’t have to go, at the end of the day.

Two of her nightmares home to roost!

in the water, and a cossy with a boost… .

Susan loathed that costume, with a passion,

its garish colours that were out of fashion.

But what she hated the most, by far,

was the fact that this horror, had a built-in bra… .

Susan’s chest was extremely flat,

and there was no getting, away from that.

But, dressed to swim with her cheeks a-flame,

she could have put Dolly Parton to shame…

if she pushed in the cups, they just popped back out,

she told her friend, Debs, what it was all about.

Bloody Nora! was Debbie’s reply,

The state of them, you could take out an eye!

She begged her Mother for the bra’s removal,

but Mummy, wouldn’t, give her approval:

Certainly not, Dear. Her Mother fussed,

That’s a proper bra, for when you have a bust.

Susan’s shoulders sagged in defeat,

and that’s when she decided, she had to cheat.

A seed of idea, took shape that day,

and she walked home from school a different way.

She ‘lost’ her swim bag—it just took flight,

over the wall of a building site.

She couldn’t help it, it made her snigger:

the thought of that cossy, in the teeth of a digger.

Her Mother didn’t think it was funny,

and made