Laugh to Love

By Ken Foo

Laugh to Love has one of the best collections of rib-ticklers in the modern era and laughter will be echoed in pubs, restaurants, meeting places including the loos! It will be no surprise that many pages will be repeated by entertainers, journalists, politicians and those who wish to spice up their speeches or conversation.


What critics are saying:

Laugh to Love will provide laughter to many through the ages. But what impress me most are the subtleties in many lines that are lessons for us to learn.

What a gem! Its written in such good taste that politicians, CEOs, holy ones, egotists, sexists and hypocrites are humbled.

Im a traveling executive and Laugh to Love will always be in my briefcase as my best mate.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: May 4, 2013
• ISBN: 9781483617367

Ken Foo

Ken Foo was born in Malaysia. He studied business management and worked for several firms. He and his wife, Keng, have two children.

Book preview

Angels

Joe was a great guy and a loving husband married for 50 years. But he died unexpectedly after an illness and the wife Anna was devastated. Broken hearted, Anna also passed away three months later.

Once in heaven, Anna anxiously looked for Joe.

Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him holding hands and laughing happily with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling out, Joe Darling… Joe… .

Joe turned around and raised his voice: Hold your tongue woman, and don’t ‘darling’ me. A deal is a deal.

Stunned, the sobbing Anna asked: ‘What deal Joe?"

Joe angrily said: "Remember our earthly marriage vow in church?’

‘Of course I do.’ Anna choked. ‘To cherish each other whether in sickness or in health.’

‘No, no!’ retorted Joe. ‘We agreed that until death do us part.’

1.jpg

*     *     *

Russell told his good friend Hugh, ‘My wife is an angel.’

Hugh gave an envious sigh and said,

‘You’re very lucky my friend, ‘Mine’s still living.’

*     *     *

Boozers

A spaceship landed near New York and a piggy-looking ET walked to the city and entered a pub. He saw a man drinking at the bar, sat next to him and said, ‘Greetings my friend, I am Adamus from planet Sirius.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said the drunk well known for hard of hearing: ‘Eh, eh, if you are serious that you’re Adam the mouse, where’s your stupid wife Eve?’

Adamus was confused for a moment but managed to ask:

‘What’s Eve got to do with it to make you so upset?’

‘Don’t give me that dumb look. You are simply gutless! You let her eat the forbidden mango… . , I mean the, the apple and our world is in the shits today!’

Getting more annoyed looking at the funny-looking stranger, the drunk let loose again:

‘For Christ sake Mousy, don’t be a coward; take that stupid mask off and show your face. This is a pub, not a charity ball where everyone dresses like a pig!’

Adamus returned to planet Sirius and reported to his government that the progress of earth should be conducted again in another thousand years!

*     *     *

On Melbourne Cup race day, Billy, a new migrant from Singapore, went to a pub with his Aussie mate Mal, to split a few beers and have a good time. They shared a bet on a horse called ‘Kensei’, simply because the name reminded Billy about a Chinese movie star! Lady luck must be on their side; Kensei romped home and won!’ The boys won $300 and for the next hour, it was "yam seng’ from Billy and ‘bottoms up,’ from Mal to celebrate their windfall.

With a belly full with beer, Mal wanted to change to short drinks: ‘Wanna Magarita?’ Billy nodded. When the drinks came, they finished it with one gulp. ‘Wanna Bloody Mary?’ Mal asked. ‘No sweat,’ Billy replied. When the hard stuff came, the boys again finished them quickly. ‘Wanna Sheila?’ Mal whispered. ‘Yeah, why not,’ Billy happily said.

A few minutes later, a buxom blonde sat beside Billy. ‘Hi handsome, here I am.’ Billy was caught off guard: ‘Do I know you?’ The surprised blonde said: ‘Isn’t you the guy who wanted a Sheila?’ At this stage, Mal was laughing his head off and banging on the table because he pulled a fast one on his new friend for not knowing Aussie slang well.

‘Sheila’ is an Aussie slang for a girl who can make you happy temporary and take all your woes (and sometimes your wallet) away!

*     *     *

On Christmas Eve, Hunchew had too much to drink and was staggering drunk. He waved a taxi to take him home in the dark of night and asked the driver,

‘Listen mate, have you got room in the front for two dozen beers, a bottle of Blue Label whisky, half a turkey, two pizzas and chocolates?’

‘No problem boss,’ replied the happy driver, hoping to get a share of the spoils placed next to him in the front seat.

‘That’s great pal.’ Hunchew tickled his throat and vomited everything he had and nearly flooded the passenger front seat!

‘There ya go my friend, that’s my present to you for Christmas!’

*     *     *

When all the pubs had closed after midnight, a drunk stumbled upstairs to the local brothel and demanded a woman.

‘Giv me yer best gal, old lady!’ he slurred.

The Madam was just about to switch off the lights as it was late and the girls had gone home. But seeing that the guy couldn’t even stand up properly and slurring all the time, decided to send him to a special room with one of those inflatable sex dolls for cheapskates. She was sure that in his state he wouldn’t know the difference.

The next morning, after a few hours of sleep, he rushed down the stairs complaining bitterly,

‘Stupid woman, gave her a love bite and she farted and flew out of the window!’

2.jpg

*     *     *

The politician Lincoln was well respected by his peers as he was a sensible and genuine person who tried his best to bring changes to improve the quality of life for his countrymen.

But no one is perfect. Lincoln was a heavy drinker at home and needed alcohol to steady his mind to think properly. As expected, drinkers are not well known for tidiness when high. Lincoln’s study room was always littered with empty glasses, bottles, books, newspapers and smelly socks! His wife complained to her mother:

‘The only time he’s ever tidy is when he drinks his whiskey neat.’

*     *     *

A policeman doing his round saw a man kicking furiously at a car tyre in front of a bar and stopped his car. ‘My good man, lost your car key?’ the cop asked.

‘Nay, off… . officer,’ the drunk slurred.

‘You looked very upset, what’s your problem?’ the policeman queried.

‘Yer won’t believe it copper. Saw this bloody bar, got dirty… ah mean thirsty, and sold my pretty wife to a stranger for a bottle of whisky!’

‘Hmmm, you regretted your action and want your wife back?’ the cop sympathized.

‘Of course ah want me wife back badly ’cause I yam getting thee shivers again.’

‘You piss artists are all the same, treat your wife like dirt when drunk and later regret your stupidity,’ the fed-up cop said.

‘Bu… but sir, ye don’t understand. Ah yam furious because me wife is not here for me to trade her off again with another guy for a new bottle of whisky!’

*     *     *

Rosna told her mother-in-law Katijah that she wanted to divorce her husband because he was possessed by the devil. The stunned Katijah said,

‘You call my son Hassan a devil? I suppose you think I am a witch too!’

‘No, no mama. Hassan is a heavy drinker and I am certain alcohol numbs his brain. When he is high, the devil takes over from there. His head will be filled with more blood; his voice becomes louder, behaviour becomes bolder; but this is not Hassan anymore but Satan. I am fed-up arguing with Satan every night!’

*     *     *

Breaking the Ice

A new migrant from India named Samyvelu, wanted to improve his limited English before starting his own small business in Melbourne. He enrolled for an English course sponsored by the government.

Just to test the class on their standard of English and mainly to break the ice on the first day, the teacher wrote a tongue twister on the board:

‘She sells seashells on the seashore.’

‘Samy, can you please read that for me?’

‘OK, no the prolem,’ said Samy.

He stared at the words for a few seconds, took a deep breath and let loose,

‘Shit sells, sees hell on dar sea whore!’

*     *     *

Princess Ivy confided to her mother about her pregnancy by a secret lover. But the mother had a loose tongue and told the news to relatives that her daughter planned to get