Being With: Maybe This Is What Life Is All About

By Robert R. Ball

In spite of its apparent simplicity, being with is a phrase with deeply profound significance. Having someone who cares enough to be with us, personally and authentically, is arguably the deepest of all human needs. In times of crisis and loss, the reality of this need is apparent and inescapable; and yet, being with relationships turn out to be equally as important in our day-by-day activities. Modern-day medicine and psychology have made it incontestably clear that authentic personal relationships are central and irreplaceable in the nurturing of human health and healing.

Amazingly, it turns out that the pledge to be with us is the most consistent promise of the God revealed in both the Hebrew and Christian scriptures. In other words, what we human beings need most is precisely what the God of the Bible promises to give to us--and what he calls us to share with each other!

With so much significance loaded inside this one little phase, it follows that much of our hope to be whole and fulfilled human beings, living in a healthy and productive world, rests on a conscious commitment to nurture being with relationships, personally and within the various levels of human society. This book explores the foundations, implications, benefits, and procedures for becoming being with people living in being with relationships.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 18, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491855812

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© 2014 Robert R. Ball . All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 01/23/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4918-5583-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-5582-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-5581-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014901534

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Acknowledgements

I Being With Or Doing To

II Being With And What We Want

III Being With And Healing

IV Being With: God’s Promise

V Being With And A New Understanding Of God

VI Being With And Identity

VII Being With And Emptying

VIII Being With People

IX Being With And The Burning Bush

About The Author

About The Book

Acknowledgements

Something like a dozen years elapsed between the dawning of the being with insight in my life and the completion of the manuscript, but that doesn’t mean I was constantly at work on it all that time. Indeed, there were many starts and stops along the way, with extended periods during which I chose not to work on it at all; but the process of incubation was never fully dormant. In reflection, I’m grateful to a community of friends, far too numerous to mention, who allowed me to bounce this haphazardly progressing vision off their thinking and experiences. This is especially true of my family, my wife Lorraine, and my offspring, Bob Ball, Dianne Erlewine, Randy Ball, and Nancy Malloy. There was also a large host of people, many of whom I never knew personally, who listened and responded to this emerging glimpse of truth in seminars and sermons. Their confirmation of the reality and importance of being with relationships in their lives provided an invaluable contribution to my personal quest.

Early in the writing process, I was significantly encouraged and instructed through several conversations with Dr. Betty Sue Flowers, who is now the Director of the Lyndon Baines Johnson Presidential Library on the campus of the University of Texas at Austin. Later, responding to a long-distance call from a total stranger, Rabbi Harold Kushner volunteered to read my manuscript and then offered the buoyancy of his prestigious personal endorsement for my work—two unbelievably gracious acts of support.

There is one person, however, to whom I am most deeply indebted and grateful. In the midst of a conversation with a long-time friend, Helen Wolf (a conversation that took place, ironically but fortuitously, at her retirement luncheon), I spoke of the project which had long held so much meaning for me but which, at that moment, I’d virtually abandoned in disappointment and frustration. In her natural but amazing generosity, Helen suggested that since she was soon going to have more time at her disposal, she would be willing to take a look at what I’d written. With the combination of her personal support and her expertise in editing, my enthusiasm for the effort soared back into high gear. To put it simply, without Helen, it’s likely that the publication of Being With might never have happened, and certainly not as it stands today. From deep within me, Helen, I thank you. I will always be grateful.

Dedicated to Lorraine …

my friend,

my joy,

my love,

my wife.

Thank you for being with me.

I

BEING WITH OR DOING TO

Reduced to fundamentals, there are only two ways to have a relationship with someone: as a master or a manipulator. In his relationships with others, the master is being with; the manipulator is doing to.¹

Psychologist Everett Shostrom

This book is about an insight that changed my life. In looking back over my less-than-a-dozen-in-my-whole-life profound insights, this was one of the last; and it came without notice.

In-flight between Sacramento (where I was living at that time) and Houston, I was reading a then recently published book by my friend, psychologist Everett Shostrom. A previous Shostrom book, Man the Manipulator, was a best seller and contributed many exciting insights to my understanding of what it means to be more fully human. My airborne reading of this follow-up book, From Manipulator to Master, made that a day of unexpected but enormous and enduring significance for me.

In his earlier book, Shostrom explains that we’re all, to some extent, manipulators. Now, in the sequel, he adds to that insight by demonstrating that the goal of manipulators in their relationships is to do to. By that phrase, he means that within their relationships, manipulators are constantly impelled to be at work to change, to control, to correct, to convert, to convince, to coerce, to enlighten, to force, to intimidate, to impress, to manage—i.e., doing to the ones to whom they relate. As I reflected on Shostrom’s many taken-from-life illustrations, I became aware that this was probably true of most, if not all, of my own relationships—even though, up to that moment, I’d been totally unaware of any intention to do to those other people.

The reverse of that, I now believe, is also true. That is, doing to is the goal of most of the people who relate to me, though it may never once have occurred to them that that’s what they’re up to. Hardly any of us of sit down and choose this as an objective in our relationships. Being manipulators is simply a behavioral pattern we’ve inherited from our relationships in early childhood (Do what I say or you get no dessert.), which has now become an unconscious but habitual part of our way of dealing with life and other people. Whether in my doings to or others doing to me, Shostrom’s words brought both attention and clarity to a significant source of pain and regret in my own life.

But he didn’t just diagnose the problem. He offers an alternative. We have the option of choosing to change our way of relating. While manipulators seek to do to, Shostrom writes that the goal of masters—authentic, nurturing, reflective, sensitive, self-actualizing, thoughtful, human beings—in their relationships is to be with.

Briefly stated, being with in a relationship is the total opposite, in both form and intent, from doing to. The ability to be with grows out of a genuine respect for one’s own dignity and worth as a human being, and it expresses itself by showing respect for those same qualities in the persons with whom we relate. In order to be with, we must first be in touch with, accept, and listen to our own deepest selves, which then allows us to be open and receptive to the meanings and feelings of others as well. Instead of attempting to correct, control, or change others, being with people are characterized by an attitude of informed acceptance, of themselves and of others. Such people can be counted on to affirm us, to listen to us with genuine interest and understanding, and to offer supportive comfort—not through adages, admonitions, or advice but with the profoundly simple authenticity of their personal presence.

After a lifetime of exposure to advertisers and pop-psychologists whose cute little phrases tickle the imagination but lack any genuine content or lasting depth, I’ve acquired a built-in resistance to catchy slogans and clever terminology. And yet, from the first moment I read them, Shostrom’s phrases—doing to and being with—seemed different. What they say resonated in my experience. Without force or contrivance, their meanings attached themselves to actual life happenings. The pictures they created in my imagination were personal and real. They made rational sense. The insights to which they lead were exciting.

When I landed in Houston, however, I became involved almost immediately with meeting people and the demands of conducting a two-day workshop; and the being with insight got nudged to the back of my mind. Following my assignment in Houston, I set out for another workshop I was to conduct at a conference center in the Texas Hill Country. Some friends in Houston had loaned me their car for the trip, which allowed me to go through Austin where Dianne, the older of my two daughters, was living.

Because of the distance between Austin and my home in Sacramento, the opportunities for a personal visit with Dianne were limited. So I was delighted when this one came along. My commitments for later in the day allowed for a two-hour stopover in Austin. Dianne had arranged her work schedule so we could have an extended lunch. I set off from Houston with a joyful heart, eager to greet my daughter and to make the most of every precious moment.

All the way to Austin, almost three hours, I thought of topics Dianne and I could discuss. I wanted to make those 120 minutes as rich and memorable as possible. Though our quantity of time was limited, I wanted it to be quality time of the highest order. I didn’t go so far as to articulate this objective in words, even to myself, but it was certainly my hope that our time together would be so special as to qualify for a place in Dianne’s memory as one of those golden moments of joyful delight with her dad.

Just as I was approaching the outskirts of Austin, and without any obvious reason as to why, the insight I’d gotten from my reading several days before resurfaced. With a start, I realized I’d spent the last three hours doing just what Shostrom says manipulators do in their relationships. I’d been busily making plans to do to. With love for Dianne and a totally clear conscience, I’d been constructing ways by which to control those two hours—trying to organize our time together so it would be so splendid, so filled with joy and meaning, that she would never forget it. As a matter of habit, without any awareness of what I was up to, I’d been planning to manipulate Dianne into thinking and feeling as I wanted her to think and feel.

Though I’d be giving it considerably more thought later, I shuddered as I realized something I’d never even considered before. Seldom did I have a conversation with anyone in which I didn’t have some manipulative objective in the back of mind. It wasn’t always to change the other person’s way of thinking or acting. Maybe all I wanted to do was make them laugh, to think of me as clever; but even that is not the same as simply being open to whatever may happen in the free interchange of thoughts and feelings.

By the time I’d worked my way through at least the first part of this, I’d arrived at the restaurant where Dianne and I were to meet for lunch. As I got out of the car, I made a resolve: I will not do any of that doing to I’d been planning. I made a conscious commitment to do nothing during those two hours other than be with Dianne. I promised myself I’d simply be there with her, fully and personally present to listen to her and share with her my joy in her and in being alive. I resolved that I would be the person I am and allow her the freedom to be the person she is. And that’s how it was.

Was it memorable? I can’t speak for Dianne, but for me it was so much more than that. Not memorable in the usual ways we associate with the word. No flashing lights. No projecting-into-the-future plans. No long-hidden disclosures. No caviar. But for me it was an authentic, enriching time of being with a person I loved, truly a mountain-top experience over lunch.

Somewhere along the way in our conversation, I did share my new insight with Dianne and how I’d struggled with it in coming to see her. But it didn’t seem forced or as if I was giving her a lesson. The insight was an exciting, blossoming part of me, and it seemed appropriate to share it with her. Dianne understood. We laughed about my carefully planned intentions in coming to see her, recognizing that the compulsive need to make the best possible use of every moment had long been a part of Dad’s personality. It was a good two hours. We were truly together, a time of all-too-seldom-experienced personal closeness. I’d like for the rest of my life to be of that same quality. It seemed like a moment of being truly alive.

Joseph Campbell says that’s what we all are seeking.

People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.²

The insight that started coming into focus for me that day, my actual experience of it, the mystery and miracle of being with, has become one of the deepest and richest meanings in my life. In the next chapters I’ll explain that the simple phrase, being with, occupies a conspicuous and central place in three important and distinct realms of human thought and experience. The first of these is the personal. The deepest need of the human spirit, inescapably evident in times of distress but true at all other times as well, is for an authentic, shared, and caring personal relationship. To a greater extent than most of us are aware, we spend enormous amounts of our time and energy and thought seeking being with relationships; and yet, sad to say, because we’re not aware that that’s what we’re seeking, most of these efforts