Battered Existence: An Abused Childhood

By Shruti Chopra

Child sexual abuse is not something we have not heard of. In fact, many of us must have encountered it too. It is extremely difficult to acknowledge that sexual abuse of children happens every day in all sections, castes and educational backgrounds of our society.
Samira and Kajri- two little girls of 12 and 8 years old belong to different backgrounds, brought up with dissimilar values and live a life that is poles apart from each other. But one thing that connects them is the horrifying experience of childhood sexual abuse.
The book shadows the heart wrenching struggle of these innocent girls in comprehending the ghastly episodes which has left them petrified for life. The situation becomes worse when their parents turn their backs to them. Now they both must accept, howsoever reluctantly, their existence as an abused one.
The story of Samira and Kajri stirred me and changed the way I thought. Along with the issue, rises a strong voice. By Vijay Kumar Chopra. Editor, Punjab Kesari Group.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Nov 20, 2012
• ISBN: 9781477243565

Book preview

PART ONE

PROLOGUE

Samira can still feel his hand inside her panties. She can still smell him over her, hurting her immensely. Her agony is immeasurable. It was not a nightmare.

She cannot look into his eyes the way he stares into hers. He then kisses her one last time and falls on her chest, satisfied!

She gently pushes kunal aside, and gets up. She reaches her bathroom and looks at herself in the mirror. She stares at the 8 year old Samira standing in front of the grown up one. Frightened and under confident. She has healed . . . probably never will!

She is 24 years old and understands why she lies to herself constantly… every day. Each time she looks into the mirror, she cannot recognise her real self.

She walks back into her room, stares at her eight months old son sleeping in the cot. Samira realises then that her routine of lying and later realising cannot die away.

Her husband says she acts a little strange at times. Does she? She cannot help it.

When you get up every morning with tears in your eyes, when you cannot have sex with your husband without thinking about your ghastly past, when the scars remind you of it over and over again. You tend to adopt a routine of verbal silence arising from lack of confidence. You tend to become submissive as an end result of guilt. And that is, perhaps, what is taken by him as a little ‘strange’.

Not that she minds. She likes the word ‘strange’. It sounds nicer to her ears. At least it is better than being called ‘abnormal or stupid’ she thinks. She walks out of her room leaving kunal asleep after morning sex.

Get my coffee Reena. She yells at her domestic help.

She opens the newspaper with her morning cup of coffee and reads it impatiently just going through the headlines. Before she can finish it off, Reena comes running in the balcony with cordless in her hand, Aapke liye zaroori call (important call for you).

Samira takes the receiver and places it on her ears. She signals Reena to leave. Reena, without thinking, turns around and runs to the kitchen. Samira hears the sound of utensils as Reena washes them recklessly.

Samira gets up and walks further away from the kitchen, Yes? This is Samira. Who is it? and she listens carefully as the man on the other end speaks.

*    *    *

Come inside Bua Aranya holds her hand and pulls her inside. Samira had no intention of coming here lest facing Him. He has haunted her for half of her life and now after sixteen years she could not bear to see him again. She feels stupid standing at the door to his house. Her son and husband do not accompany her. She has decided to face it alone.

Could you take care of him today? Samira had asked her husband kunal to baby sit their son Poorab, for the day.

Samira had known all this time about Shalini, her aunt, who was suffering from tuberculosis in the hospital. She had planned several times to go see her once but never had strength to, till Shalini herself made her servant call her and let her know of her illness. He has briefly explained to Samira why Shalini wanted to be at home and not at the hospital, in her last days.

She now stands at the door, anxious to face them. She has not seen her aunt since her father broke all ties with their family. She had accepted she would not be seeing them again… ever! But she knows she cannot fight destiny.

Now, she stares at the elevation; nothing of the house has changed since then. Her legs shake with fear yet again. She stands still for few minutes and then grabs the railing on the stairs.

Suddenly she feels being pulled inside the house by these lovely little girls who she recognises instantly as her nieces.

I shall wait for the day when his daughter would be treated the same way he treated Me. had I actually said it? About them?

Samira’s maa had informed her about the birth of twin girls to Ashish, six years ago. But now looking at these girls she feels extremely small. She bends down and hugs them and silently prays for their happy and healthy life. Tears of guilt roll down her cheeks. How she wishes to take her words back. They say time and words once out, never come back. She knows she cannot take them back now but she promises herself to include these innocent little girls in her prayer every day.

They hold her hand and take her inside, what will you have? Water, juice, coffee or tea?

Their simple notation moves Samira to tears again. She picks up Aradhya, holds her close and for a moment, forgets why she is here.

Why are you crying, Bua? asks Aradhya touching her face with her tiny hands. Samira feels elated and miserable at the same time and her heart goes out for these little innocent creatures.

I am so happy to see you both. is all she manages to say.

She enters the living area and can smell freshly cooked khichdi. She looks around and recognises the blue pot decorated in the corner that she had gifted her Aunt on her fortieth birthday. She is glad her aunt still has it. The interiors of the house have not changed much since the last time she had seen it. The house had captured so many memories, good and bad. She had spent her childhood here and there were so many fond memories spent in this place. She tries recalling the good ones.

She can’t think of any.

All she can recall is the stare that Ashish gave her, the humiliation caused by him, the repetition of torture that Samira went through. She realises how these filthy experiences have changed her whole life. She shudders with detestation thinking about it.

I am so glad you could make it. Ashish’s wife, kalpana says spreading her arms and hugging Samira. Samira composes her emotions within no time. She looks at Ashish’s wife for the first time. kalpana is tall and has beautiful long hair. She speaks with immense warmth and compassion. Totally opposite to her husband Samira thinks and silently smiles to herself.

Your Aunt has been asking about you. kalpana says guiding her towards aunt Shalini’s room.

Thank you, kalpana. Samira knocks and slowly opens the door.

*    *    *

Samira enters and sees Shalini lying on her bed with an I.V attached to the back of her left hand. Sluggishly she turns her head to look at Samira and manages to smile.

Samira smiles back.

She takes a seat near her aunt. Shalini slowly lifts her hands up and joins them. Samira stares at her but does not move. she, though, wants to howl in frustration and yell at her for making her life miserable, for not standing up for her, for not raising voice to provide justice to her, for maintaining silence till today, but she does not let her emotions overpower her. She is aware her aunt is too weak to comfort her.

I don’t want to say much, beta. Please forgive me and my family. And she weeps loudly. We haven’t had a single peaceful day since that incident. All she wanted from Samira was a peaceful death. Her soul carried the burden of guilt which she knew only Samira’s forgiveness could relieve.

Samira smiles to herself. She perhaps had guessed this day would come. Although time had not been able to heal her wound but it surely had taught her to forgive.

I have no grudges against anyone in this family. I forgave Ashish a long time ago, Samira said comforting her. I just met Aranya and Aradhya. They are beautiful girls! I too have a little boy. Tears rolled down her eyes as she continued, I have been desperate to see you since maa and papa died. But every time I decided to come here, it was as though my feet would get stuck!

Shalini looked into Samira’s eyes and saw the same pain which she had seen that night. Shalini had not lived a guilt free life since then. Each moment had been a torture. She resented Ashish and never took part in anything he did from there on. The only thing that bonded them was their relation that none of them could deny.

Shalini wants to forget everything and cherish this togetherness but is unable to control her emotions I recall the day you were born. I always wanted a girl and I came prepared that I would ask you from your mother. she gives a soft laugh, I saw your mother holding you for the first time and I could not gather enough courage to take you away from her, she smiles.

And Shalini finally, settles down. The conversation with Samira gives her immense satisfaction and she experiences moments of serenity inside and around her. With sheer joy in heart, she drifts back to sleep.

*    *    *

Once home, Samira cannot stop but think about Ashish. While coming out of the room, she had caught a glimpse of Ashish playing with his daughters. It was an absolute bliss to watch them at play. For the first time she had looked at him without feelings of