Ponderings on Shattered Innocence: Poems of Heartbreak, Faith and Hope

By Adam Rami Nazzal

The book came from thoughts and inspirations that occurred to me when I returned to Canada after separating from my wife and three beloved children.
I believe the poems show a progression from utter sadness and despair to acceptance, patience, and hope.
Underpinning all the poetry is an unwavering faith in the Almighty Creator, whose designs and miracles cannot always be fully understood.
I tried to write, too, about the beauty of nature and humanity and, ultimately, about forgiveness. It is sincerely hoped the reader will derive some inspiration or hope through their own paths.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Sep 25, 2013
• ISBN: 9781490712246

Adam Rami Nazzal

Adam Rami Nazzal is of Middle Eastern origin. He was born and raised in Saudi Arabia and was educated in the USA. He became Canadian in 1987 and pursued degrees in math, business, and education. He worked in Asia from 1993 to 2011, where he married and had three children. He travelled and taught extensively. He is a pious Muslim and loves and respects people of every race, color, and creed. Currently, he is teaching in Canada.

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Copyright 2013 Adam Rami Nazzal.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-4907-1223-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4907-1225-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4907-1224-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013914720

Trafford rev. 08/27/2013

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Contents

Foreword

A Lost Land

Invitation

Frustration

The Prophet

Old Songs

Second Chances

Eid 5

Dilemma

The Lesson

Night

Special

Kids

Of critics

Penance

Cold

Anniversary

Blame

Change

Yusuf

New Year

Old Companion

Autumn of Love

Broken Relations

Cambodia night

Despised

Futile Love

Inner rage

Missing Kids

Reminds

Pounding Head

Ramadhan at 47

Ramadhan trial

Sitting at Home

Teaching

The Truth

Two Weeks

Weighty Solitude

Yasmeen

Closed Night

Distance

First Snow

Forlorn Love

Forgiveness

Grudges

Heart awakened

Kids 2

Inspiration

Inspiration 2

MRI terrors

Disease

Comprehension

Love Lost

Used to

Innocense

Bed

Prayers for them

The Search

Of Love

Prayer of the Meek

Detested

Head Dress

Headache

Invitation

Lost Land

Prophet

Seeking Wisdom

Unforgiven

Train

Machine

Sat Morn

Borne Chest

Old Oldie

Snow

Shy Lover

God

Dozen Messages

Shaking Sweat

Special Gift

Spring Walk

New Day 2

Aisha

Busy Affection

Of Hope

Omar

Spring

Cardinal

Fell in trap

Mystery

Planes

Blonde

Spring Showers

Bus

Losing love

Beggar’s Pizza

Yusuf’s Accident

Crow

Birthday

Curly Hair

Depth of Despair

Comparison

Aisha’s Dream

Angel’s Passing

A Rose

Autumn 20

Cats and Dogs

Questions

Connecticut

2013

9:30 PM

Denise

Hearts Lock

Music

Rocky Heart

Solemnity

Graduation

Hauntings

Old Poet

Prophet

Cold

Foolish Repetition

Again

Night’s Darkness

Screaming

Chaos

Ramadhan 2013

Of Love

Ponderings

My Three Angels

Foreword

This is a compilation of my poetry. I’ve been writing a lot since I returned to Canada permanently on a cool evening in September 2011. I arrived in the same airport that I left on a cold March27 in 1993 with a promise that I had every intention to keep. My destination on that fateful day was Malaysia. I intended to teach for one or two years and return quickly… That did not materialize. It became 12 years then 18. I left as a single man. I married the lady of my dreams less than 9 months later. Her name was Yasmeen. Much of my poetry talks about her, directly or otherwise.

Someone took a picture of me and my two parents on the day of departure My colleague, on seeing this picture, commented "There ’s a sad looking father’. Perhaps dad, with his wonderful forethought, knew that I would be away for a lot longer than anyone imagined, or even dared hope. We flew to Hong Kong, My colleague and I and stayed there one night. The next day, we continued to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. The total flying time was 23 hours.

I stayed with a Malay family until December, just before my marriage, December 19 to the gorgeous lawyer. At the time I continued to be a runner. To use mom’s words, I left Canada as a diamond and returned 18 years later a wreck.

I frequented the mosque while in Malaysia, and became a regular worshipper there. I was known as the white man and stood out like a sore thumb. Spraining my ankle, hobbling in crutches, catching viral tropical diseases, and asking my friends to introduce me to eligible marriageable girls meant that I was well known very quickly. Illness prayer and God are overriding themes throughout my writings

Sadly the college failed to submit my three degrees to immigration, purposely or otherwise, so I had to work under a visitor visa for two years, and travel up and down to Singapore, 6 hours bus ride, every 3 months to renew my fake working visit. Immigration came down hard on me, as they weren’t stupid and knew what was going on. Morality and lying was always at issue.

I married Yasmeen December19, and brought her back to live with me in KL. Immigration tried to arrest me two weeks later. That caused a lot of marital stress for us as newlyweds.

The constant bus rides continued, and I’m quite sure that this was the primary cause for my wife to go into labor at 7 months in January 1995, when we were trying to celebrate our first anniversary. The child, Omar, was born premature, jaundiced, and with a respiratory infection. He was on life support for 4 days, and was the size of a doll rather than a baby. His first feeds were a teaspoon of milk. Yasmeen never left his side despite exhaustion. She became and always will be a hero, as is Omar, who fought valiantly to survive. Survive he did, and today he is preparing for University, and stands taller that my 180 cm.

His medical bill of $20,000 at birth burdened us greatly. Everyone we knew tried to help. My daughter Aisha was born in 1997with no complications. She was large and born by emergency caesarian. She had a minor eye infection that detracted from her beauty as a gorgeous little baby girl, and protected all from envy.

In 2001, Yasmeen received news of a new pregnancy. We were thrilled. She carried him to near full term. He was so beautiful at birth, and I ran the halls of the ward in glee proclaiming the arrival of Yusuf. My joy lasted less than 12 hours.

The doctor awakened me to inform me that he was bloated, and might need intestinal surgery. I wept remembering the trials of his brother. The next day the surgeon confirmed the imminent three surgeries that he would need. I volunteered to donate my organs but the surgeon refused.

In his first surgery, at three days old, he received a stoma. This means that he defecated into a bag for 9 months. Yasmeen and I changed him for that period. It was always accompanied by screams and blood. I secured his flailing arms. Yasmeen never shed a tear, not once. Serious morose face, emotionless. now doubly a hero My colleagues commented that I lost my smile for 2 years.

The second surgery excised the abnormal intestines and connected the normal to the anus. They were simply missing nerves. The stoma continued, as did the blood, the flailing, and the screams. He was 1 year old.

The third surgery closed the stoma. We rejoiced that he was now normal. Yasmeen cried the day he pooped properly, for the first time in 2