Where the Rivers Run Deep

By L.R. Holder

AND IN THE FACE OF ALL DISENCHANTMENT AND BROKEN DREAMS SHE MUST PREVAIL.
In the quest for a career, a good life but more importantly to protect her own children from the trickery of life itself ; One full of disappointments and psychological trauma and one that could mirror hers, she vows to provide for them in every way and to help them achieve their own potentials. She must conquer all adversities on her journey but fears of the unknown and what lies ahead has driven her to the point of obsession, until the only person she now fears is herself.

Beaten and bruised, penniless, homeless and at times feeling worthless she must persevere, face each new day with a smile although she is screaming on the inside and is almost almost, just thoughts away from giving up.

But she is determined to put up a fight; one that will see her through and even when she is knocked down, when the pain seems unbearable, when there are no more tears left, she must go on. She would not be defeated, gathering strength from her passion and ambition and from the prayers of her dear mother; she gets up after each knock back, dust herself off, stand tall and is ready to take on next challenge or obstacle SURE to come her way.

The Victoria Regia Lily is the national Flower of Guyana.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: May 8, 2013
• ISBN: 9781481789059

L.R. Holder

Guyanese born but immigrated to the United Kingdom to work, A Professional Registered General Nurse, mother of two children; boy and girl but is from a larger family of siblings herself. Continues her studies towards a BA Honors Degree in Health and Social Care, works with people suffering various medical conditions, physical disabilities and mental health problems. She continues to enjoy her career and would like to get involved in Mental Health awareness for her birth country Guyana.

Book preview

Where The Rivers

Run Deep

L.R. Holder

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AuthorHouse™ UK Ltd.

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© 2013 by L.R. Holder. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 05/14/2013

ISBN: 978-1-4817-8904-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4817-8905-9 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

About the Author

This book is dedicated to:

My mother, Grace Agnes

Mothers, single parents, and people all over the world

in underprivileged communities

Victims of floods and other natural disasters everywhere,

and victims of rape and other violence

The people of Guyana and the United Kingdom

My children, my family, and that special person in my life

Introduction

She was from a small, undeveloped community in one of the poorest countries in the world. Time and time again her world came crashing down. Even as a child she had a dream—one that would set her free… free from a life in which she was constantly exhausted and heartbroken.

Doing everything she possibly could to rid herself of the potential destruction of poverty, she embarked on the career of her dreams. To do so she had to leave her home and family and, eventually, her own children.

It was far more difficult than she ever imagined, and the sources of support she turned to weren’t always exactly what she had hoped for. As a teen mum, she soon found out that the decisions we make in life can impact us for the rest of our lives and even destroy us. But she could not let that happen. She wasn’t going to end up a beaten, broken woman; her children needed her.

She overcame abuse, homelessness, hurt, and even thoughts of suicide. She could not let anyone get in the way of what she set out to achieve, but there was something she needed to do first. After everything she had faced, suffered, and endured, she was on the edge of bitterness and hate, but her faith kept her strong—with just enough strength to forgive. Forgiveness was the key to moving on… forward and upward. With forgiveness, she was able to put her past behind and learn from its every lesson. She never gave up on her dreams and aspirations, and she never gave up on people. But more importantly, never let anyone ever steal her happiness.

Chapter One

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Home in the UK, Lily’s back garden—winter 2010

The night was silent, pitch black, and still bitterly cold, just like nights in every January for as long as she could remember since her move to the United Kingdom. The winter months seemed longer and colder every year. Lily awakened wondering what time it was. She changed her position in the bed, clutching at her duvet in an attempt to get comfortable. She had been fighting the swine flu, and was still very ill. The sound of the telephone startled her. ‘What the hell! Who could that be this time of night?’ Reluctant to answer, she let it ring a few more times as she tried to focus her bleary eyes on the clock. That clock had one of the loudest tick-tock sounds in the world, and she hated it—well only at first had she hated it. She later found that, in the still of the night, when she could not sleep, the sound was almost therapeutic. She found she could listen to it, count every tick-tock, and before long she’d be asleep. The phone continued to ring. The person on the other end of the line wasn’t about to give up.

She reached across to the bedside table to grab the handset, but she was a second too late. ‘Well, if it was really important, whoever that was will call again,’ Lily mumbled to herself.

It was 2.15 in the morning, and she lay in her bed thinking that maybe it had been an overseas call. I’ll stay awake a while longer just in case, she thought. Her mum never could remember that there was a time difference. Lily recalled exactly what her mother would say every time she telephoned: ‘Hope I’m not too early or too late, my dear. I imagine you must be settled by now,’ Lily’s mother would say. After seven years, her mother still couldn’t remember the time difference, so Lily didn’t even remind her any more. Lily would always say, ‘That’s okay, Mum, never worry. We’re glad to hear from you anytime.’ It’s ten at night back home in South America when it’s two in the morning in the UK, Lily recalled. ‘Bless her,’ Lily would always say when she hung up the phone.

Deciding not to sleep for the next fifteen minutes, she got up to look through the window. There wasn’t a sign of life in sight—no wind and no rain, just the still, dark night with the crisp layer of thick frost on the parked cars that lined the pavement along the steep hill that it looked like a great big wave of a frozen river.

Her children had spent the Christmas holidays overseas in Guyana with their grandmother, and Jon was working the night shift. She hated being on her own, especially when she couldn’t sleep. The phone began to ring once again. Wow! Lily said to herself. Even though she’d been expecting it, the sound startled her, and she could feel her heart racing and pounding in her chest as she reached for the phone. ‘Hello! Hello!’ There was a long pause, and then she heard the voice at the end of the phone.

It had been arranged that a friend of the family would pick up her daughter at the John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York City; the flight had arrived four hours ago, but Amy had not been on the flight. ‘I’m not sure what you are telling me,’ Lily shouted into the phone. ‘Well, that can’t be! Amy was definitely on the flight.’ Amy had taken a taxi to the airport in Guyana and had text messaged her grandmother once she was on board and ready for takeoff. Lily had learned this in conversation with her mother the day before. Lily listened carefully to all her friend had to say, then slowly let go of the phone. She watched it fall to the floor in slow motion. She wasn’t convinced.

This cannot be happening, Lily thought, not this time or any other time, and certainly not now while I’m still trying to get over this illness. Her daughter hadn’t shown up in New York, and this was totally out of character for her. She’d always let her mother know where she was. This whole situation just didn’t seem right, and Lily had a gut feeling that something was horribly wrong with her daughter; something serious had happened to her daughter

For so many years, Lily had so often felt that she should just give up on life because every time she thought she had made it through yet another suicidal year, there would be another dreadful situation staring her in the face, and each time she was sure she would never make it through the latest crisis. This was big, though—much bigger than any of the devastating experiences she had ever had, and certainly the worst any mother could have. As she stood there in silence gazing at the image in the mirror looking back at her, she felt sick; any minute now she was going to collapse. She could hear her heart beating loudly and out of rhythm; she wasn’t going to kill herself; she was going to die slowly of a broken heart. She felt that her heart could not take it this time.

Having had more than her fair share of disappointment, failure, loss, grief, and physical and sexual abuse, she thought she was now invincible, but nothing could compare to, or would have prepared her for, the intensity and magnitude of the horror she was about to face. She had considered suicide over and over again in the past, but this time Lily couldn’t even think. I need a shower, Lily thought. She was suddenly hot; her blood was boiling. She looked at the reflection in the mirror. ‘No! No!’ Lily said loudly. ‘How can this be even possible?’

‘This is absolutely and utterly ridiculous.’ Lily was answering herself. Maybe she was in the middle of a bad dream… some sort of nightmare. ‘You need to lie down,’ she told herself. Her head was spinning, and she felt faint. She wanted to lie on her bed, but in the dark with all the blinds down and the curtains drawn tight, she suddenly felt lost. ‘Where am I? Where, am I?’ She could hear herself repeating the words.

How long she had been standing there, she couldn’t tell. As she slowly walked over to the rumpled bed, she could hardly feel her legs carry her. She must have gone to that place she used to go as a child… that place where she would be able shut out all the negative events and experiences that had consumed her life over the years. Only this time it was difficult to do so because now she was an adult, with a family of her own. I will just stay here and die slowly, Lily thought. She refused to think about anything; in fact, she couldn’t focus at all. She was totally unaware of how much time had passed since the phone call. She could not remember anyone being with her in the house, but the phone was persistently and constantly ringing, and she had no intention of answering it; she wouldn’t know what to say.

Her mind wouldn’t let her rest. She kept thinking of her childhood days… of her family. She remembered the good and bad times they had and the obstacles they had overcome as a family. Maybe she was having a dream; her thoughts were clear yet distant. This time she was not with her family; she was a million miles across the world far away from her family. Maybe she should call them on the phone, but she hadn’t the energy, and the thought quickly left her mind As she drifted in out of what felt like semiconsciousness, she could hear a voice in her head saying, ‘Come on, Lily, this is not you! This is not how you usually handle things!’

‘Really? How would I usually handle things?’ It was almost as if she was answering herself. ‘Am I losing my mind now?’ Well why can’t it happen already? Lily thought.

It was almost as if she wished she could be institutionalised—locked away and not made to face the day or speak to anyone or be there for any reason.

‘Lily! Honey, are you awake?’

The voice was familiar but she could not remember who was there. Suddenly the room was bright and she screamed out loud, ‘Who the hell!’ Then, only a little more quietly, she asked, ‘Can you put the light out please?’

It was Jon, she realised. She had forgotten he even existed. ‘Sorry, Jon,’ she said quickly. ‘I didn’t mean to shout, but could you leave me alone please? I need to be alone right now.’

‘Well it has been two days now, Lily. I need you to pull yourself together… to help me make some decisions here,’ Jon said.

Jon and Lily had been together for two years, and to Lily the two years had been amongst the best years she’d had with regard to having someone in her life. They had met and had fallen in love after being friends for a short while, and Lily knew instinctively that he was someone special.

‘Lily, come on, baby, you must have something to eat and drink,’ Jon said. But the thought of food made her nauseous.

‘Leave me alone please,’ she begged, and pulled the covers over her head again.

She needed to think, to focus, to decide. But as she lay there in the darkness of the room, events and experiences of the past years of her life all came flooding back.

Chapter Two

Lily Meyers had had a normal childhood, or at least she thought so. She came from a large family—five siblings and both parents. From the outside, things looked as if all was well. Monday through Friday were just as they should have been. Lily would make her way through the narrow and winding avenue every day to school. She liked to be there on time and to be home again at the expected time after school. She enjoyed school and did very well at her school exams, but never really understood the importance of education. Lily thought this was just ‘the thing to do.’ Her teachers often praised her, and she felt really good about herself.

The family spent Friday evenings preparing for church and Sabbath school. The whole family headed off to church every Saturday morning; it was customary to spend the Sabbath in church. She enjoyed every moment of it and was intrigued by the teachings of the Bible. She believed that God created all things—the birds, trees, rivers and all the beautiful things on earth. She believed that he had to be someone bigger than mankind, and that he deserved praise and respect. Sabbath school was like a form of recreation and entertainment for Lily, as she could see all her friends and teachers and have a good time. That day was so special that even the best meal was prepared on that day from whatever the family could afford.

The little riverside village where she grew up was called Bartica. To some