An Errant Design: Glimpses of God Through Brokenness

By S.H. Long

An Errant Design is a poetic, moving and unique reflection on a profoundly grief-stricken time in a mother’s life. The loss of her grown son catapulted her, unwillingly, into a realm of human experience that is a continent of its own—a mother’s grief for her dead child. To be offered a glimpse into this world of radical, raw, and deep feeling—a world of love, loss, agony, confusion, tenderness, surrender, and faith—is a gift to all who read it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Aug 19, 2013
• ISBN: 9781491804759

S.H. Long

Having lived in New York and Europe, S. H. Long returned home to San Francisco, where she now enjoys two little Maltese dogs and a lovely garden, and lives as a lay Dominican. This selection of poems reflects a life journey through seasons of loss to new beginnings.

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© 2013 by S.H. Long. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse    05/11/2021

ISBN: 978-1-4918-0477-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-0475-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013913764

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Cover Design: Claxton Long

To contact the author, email: [e-mail]

For my mother, my son and my daughter

For those who mourn

For God who comforts us

CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Prologue

Introduction

Part I: Backwards In Time

I.Shaping Memories

II.My Handrails

III.An Open Door

IV.Swaying To The Dirge Of Brokenness

V.Bound With Cords Of Love

VI.A Scaffold Of Restoration

VII.God Stories In An Errant Design

VIII.Writing In The Dark

IX.Ever Now

X.17Th Pick

XI.Together

Prayer

Part II: Prismatic Memories Of Clax

XII.Early Years

XIII.Hidden Treasure

XIV.Traveling Down This Road

Prayer

Epilogue

Thank You

Notes

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

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U PPERMOST IN MY heart is the gratitude I feel towards my beloved editor, Mary Loebig Giles—Christian, wife, mother, author, editor, friend in Christ. Without her wisdom, experience, and devotion in helping me to get this book in print, the manuscript would still be gathering dust on the shelf under my giant dictionary. With every collaboration she visited me personally, occasionally bringing one of her adorable daughters, and also drove me on book-related errands. Truly it has been a family accomplishment.

Additionally, Mary’s friend, Marcy Weydemuller, poet, author, and editor, graciously gave the manuscript the benefit of her exceptional eye and masterly touch to further polish it. How fortunate I am to have found and worked with these beautiful women, four brilliant eyes and two deep hearts. They have blended with my own eyes and heart through our shared faith and mutual love of writing. I am proud to know them and beholden to them for their contributions.

I am also incredibly grateful to David McKendall, who wrote such a beautiful, personal, and immediate foreword. Not only did he give his heart and time to my son, Claxton, as his tutor, he spoke at Clax’s funeral, phoned me each year on the anniversary of his death, and, after these many years, willingly accepted my invitation to write the foreword to a manuscript that he had not yet read, and in fact that wasn’t even finished. Reconnecting with Dave face to face over coffee to discuss the book was like a homecoming. He said he needed to wait till after the school year before he could begin working on a foreword. Even with all the constraints on his time and commitments to his students, Dave read the manuscript and wrote the foreword well before the time he said he would need. Other than concealing my identity, not a word needed to be changed.

Thank you, Mary, Marcy and Dave! May your contributions be like bread cast upon the water, bringing great blessings to hearts wherever this book finds its way.

FOREWORD

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A N ERRANT DESIGN is unlike any other book I’ve read. It is a poetic, moving and unique reflection on a profoundly grief-stricken time in a mother’s life. This mother and long-time friend lost her son Claxton in 1998 when he was not yet thirty years old and bursting with talent and creativity. This loss catapulted her, unwillingly, into a realm of human experience that is a continent of its own—a mother’s grief for her dead child. To be offered a glimpse into this world of radical, raw, and deep feeling—a world of love, loss, agony, confusion, tenderness, surrender, and faith—is a gift to all who read it. She writes with loving intimacy and fearless honesty, and she somehow manages to put what is beyond words into words. I found myself near to tears so often as I read, partly from having my own grief for Claxton stirred, partly from feeling again grief for others I have loved and lost, but also simply from experiencing the love and faith that are at the heart of this book. This mother’s faith in God is both inspiring and moving, and how her grief transformed her faith and her faith transformed her grief is one of the book’s great and unique gifts to the reader.

An Errant Design is also about Claxton’s life, a memorial to a unique and wonderful man. Clax was, indeed, a jewel. I started working with him as his tutor when he was in sixth grade, and we continued for about seven years. I knew he was a special person from the start. Intelligence, humor, spirit, creativity flowed from him easily. We had, I feel, a special connection, and we kept in touch after we stopped working together. I was hopeful, as he went through the struggles of his early adulthood, that he would find his way through. I remember eating lunch with him at his new restaurant and seeing how proud and enthusiastic he was, and how obviously well-liked he was by those around him. He was so talented in so many different ways and had much to give to the world. Reading about him in this book, I learned more about him than I had known before. I realize now that he never told me about some of his accomplishments probably because he didn’t think they were that important. There was something very inspiring about Claxton.

I call his mother once a year on the anniversary of Clax’s death. In the early years, I could hear in her voice the depth of her loss and some of the struggle that I have now read