Honesty from Within: Memoirs of Love

By Zelda Bendinger

Never in a million years would I have thought I would have lost a child, gotten divorced, or moved into my parent's home. And on top of it all, I lost my best friend of over fifteen years, who I believed was the love of my life. Being highly favored and blessed with God on my side, no situation, issue, or circumstance was impossible. Journey with me through my life of trials and tribulations, as things could've been worse.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 22, 2013
• ISBN: 9781491832653

Zelda Bendinger

Writing a book has always been a goal I have set for myself. The experiences I have had throughout my life, positive and negative, are worth sharing, and I believe they may help someone who has been in similar situations. I have always been a giver and loved every person as an individual, never having expectations of them or judging them. As I’ve gotten older, I have learned to receive without feeling guilty. I live in Salt Lake City, Utah, and have been here for more than thirty years. Growing up here has allowed me to learn to be patient and not judge a soul by the color of their skin or their religion. I was blessed to have two beautiful children, for whom I live each and every day. With God first in my life and on my side, all things are possible!

Book preview

Chapter 1

In March 2003 Rayne had just separated from her husband after she had been married for eight years. They had been together for a total of twelve years. She had been living in California for about a year and a half. Summer was approaching, and Rayne had made plans to go home. Home is Denver, Colorado. Her mother and her father met in Connecticut in 1979. They moved from Connecticut to Colorado in 1980, and they married in September 1981.

Rayne’s husband had moved out. She and her children were doing the best they could with the new change that had happened in their lives. The day Rayne’s husband moved out she made a phone call to her foster brother, Warren, and his wife, Gina, to come over and help her remove her husband from the home. She had packed his things and politely asked him to leave, as she couldn’t take anymore of the fighting and arguing. He insisted he was not going anywhere. Upon their arrival her foster brother, Warren, came into her home and politely asked her husband to honor her request and leave. Her sister-in-law, Gina, had taken Rayne’s children upstairs so that they wouldn’t have to see what was going on. Rayne and her husband argued a while. Then Warren said with a stern voice, Man, I love you, but my sister insists you leave. You’re going to have to leave. Her husband grabbed his things and walked out the front door. Warren sighed with relief, as he didn’t want to physically fight Rayne’s husband. The two of them had a pretty good relationship, and Warren wanted to continue his relationship with his brother-in-law and hated to see that their relationship had come to this.

Warren and Gina allowed Rayne’s husband to stay with them for a few weeks. He tried everything in his power to get his own place so that he would be able to have visitation with their children. Staying with Warren and Gina put a strain on Rayne’s relationship with the two of them, as she didn’t want to come and visit them because her husband was in their home and she had no desire to see him physically. After her husband had finally gotten his own place, her relationship was rekindled with Warren and Gina. She had also begun to allow her children to go and visit with her husband on the weekends. After four or five visits their children had decided that they didn’t want to visit their dad at his home anymore. Her son, Charles, was ten years old, and her daughter, Capri, was four years old.

In May 2003, with plans in order, Rayne and her children were excited about going home to Colorado for the summer! Her husband called and explained he wanted to work on saving their marriage. She explained to him that she and the kids were going home for the summer, and that would allow the two of them to think about where their relationship had gone and why and whether or not working things out was really something they both really wanted. Sometimes just separating from someone for a while helps both parties to see what, why, when, where, and how things happened and went wrong. A few days before leaving, Rayne and her children stopped by her husband’s place so that they could say good-bye to their dad. They didn’t really understand what was going on between their father and their mother. Rayne had always tried to keep them in a child’s place and not have them worried about adult issues. They understood their dad wasn’t living with them because their parents needed some space to think about their future as a family. While saying good-bye, Rayne felt in her heart that their marriage was coming to an end.

In June 2003 the car was packed! Rayne and her children were ready for their summer break! The day they were leaving her husband called and asked if he could meet them somewhere, as he wanted to see their children one more time. She agreed, and they met him at a hotel parking lot in California. As Charles and Capri hugged their dad, they began to cry. They didn’t understand why their dad wasn’t going with them, and Rayne had no answers to make them feel at ease about the situation. Rayne and her children got into the car and waved good-bye to her husband as they drove off. Before they got onto the highway, her children got comfortable in the backseat and started a movie on the DVD player. For the first twenty miles or so she found herself holding back her tears so that her children wouldn’t see her crying. Her heart felt as though it was going to explode. She was so hurt that her marriage had come to this. She had made a vow to God that she would marry and stay married. For years she had tried any- and everything possible to save her marriage. She had even tried counseling. She hoped that God would continue to love her in spite of it all.

From June 2003 to July 2003 summer had been amazing! Her children had seen and hung out with family and some of their old friends. They had completely forgotten about their dad not being with them. Rayne’s separation from her husband had allowed her to concentrate on her marriage and what she believed God had planned for them and their future. She prayed God would continue to give her the strength to move forward no matter what was going to be revealed. She was enjoying being home but knew she would soon have to return to California to work on trying to save her marriage.

During the summer Rayne had run into an old friend named Tabatha. She explained to Rayne that she and her kids had been living out of her car. Immediately Rayne began thinking how could she help Tabatha and her kids get off the street. Rayne gave Tabatha her cell phone number and told her to call her if she needed anything. A few days later the friend called Rayne. While she was talking to her friend, Rayne promised herself that she would make it a point to try to talk to her daily. Rayne had mentioned to her mom her friend’s situation, and her mom immediately began to make arrangements for Tabatha and her kids to stay at an extended stay hotel for a month. Her mom had also provided them with groceries and clothing to wear. Rayne and Tabatha stayed in touch daily, and Rayne was thankful for what her mom had done for her friend and her kids.

Summer was almost over, and Rayne began to worry about what Tabatha would do when it came time for her to check out of the hotel. As Rayne packed to return to California, she decided to open her door and invite Tabatha and her kids to come and stay with her and her children in California. Mentioning the idea to Tabatha, she began to cry and agreed to relocate. This was what she needed to get on her feet and be able to support her kids. And Rayne would start nursing school and stare what life had to bring to her right in the eye. She was ready to make life-changing decisions.

It had been more than two weeks since Rayne had last heard from her husband, and she knew in her heart something was wrong, that things had gone bad. Her husband promised that he would pay Rayne’s rent while she was home over the summer. This would be one of his ways to show Rayne he was responsible and that he wanted their marriage to work. After she hadn’t heard from him for over two weeks, Rayne contacted her landlord in hopes that her husband had done the things he had promised he would do. The landlord explained to her that her husband had not paid the rent all summer and that he had lied to her landlord and broken promise after promise to him. He also mentioned that he went and knocked on her door and noticed through the front window that her husband had packed all of their things and had moved out without paying the rent or mentioning to him that they were moving out. You can only imagine how Rayne was feeling at that moment. She apologized to the landlord and made arrangements with him to get him the past due rent. Immediately she began trying to get in touch with her husband. After she spoke to the landlord, she knew she had to change her plans and return to California immediately. Instead of leaving in the next few weeks, she now had to leave within the next few days. She had to find a new place to live. Rayne could not believe that she and her children were homeless. She had to find out what her husband had done with their belongings and why he had moved them out. It was near the end of July, and school was starting at the end of August. Her anxiety was high. Her mind was going a hundred miles a minute. Her mom agreed to watch her children while she went to handle her business. Going through her own issues and now homeless herself, she had opened her door to Tabatha and her kids to get a fresh start in California, and she now had nowhere to stay herself. She didn’t want to go back on her word and tell Tabatha that she couldn’t come. Rayne prayed and got the courage to explain to her friend her situation and tell her that she was leaving in a couple of days to go find a place to live. Tabatha offered to go with Rayne. Her cousin volunteered to stay with her kids while she and Rayne drove to California.

Chapter 2

After five days of searching Rayne had found a place to live! She located her husband’s whereabouts and found that he had put their belongings into a storage unit. He was so embarrassed and ashamed that he could not verbally talk to her or look her in her face. Their communication would now be through her foster brother, Warren, and her sister-in-law, Gina. Rayne believed in her heart that God had answered her prayers. The time had come for her to divorce her husband. Becoming a single parent scared Rayne, but she promised God she would do her best to raise her children in way that’s pleasing in His eyes. In the past she had stayed in her marriage for her children and most importantly because of the vows she had made with God. She felt deep in her heart that divorcing her husband was God’s plan. She had done everything she could to save her marriage over the years. She knew God was there and would be there with her on her new journey as long as she would continue to do His will. Retrieving her belongings and moving everything into her new place, she and Tabatha drove back to Colorado to get their children.

At the end of August 2003, now back in California and settled into her three-bedroom apartment with her son, daughter, Tabatha, and Tabatha’s son and two daughters, Rayne thanked God her children did not mind sharing their bedrooms. Kids were registered for school, and Rayne was registered for nursing school. Tabatha found a job, and things seemed to be going well under the circumstances. Upon returning to California Tabatha had been able to get in touch with her children’s father. He, too, lived in California. He had agreed to help her the best he could, being he had a new family. For the first few weeks he visited their kids and bought them new clothing for school. Rayne prayed with their father’s help that Tabatha would get on her feet within the next three to four months.

By the end of September 2003 Rayne’s husband started popping up at Charles’s school. Charles expressed to his mom that he was beginning to feel uncomfortable with his dad and his actions. Rayne began to worry. Her son was in the sixth grade, and she wondered how she could change her class schedule to be home when he and the other kids had gotten out of school. Her classes ended thirty minutes after they had gotten out of school, and by the time she picked up her daughter, Capri, from school, the kids were home alone no longer than an hour. She wanted to take away her son’s worries. Worrying was the last thing she wanted him to do. He was a child and didn’t need to be worried about adult issues. She made the decision to leave her school an hour before the kids would be dismissed out of school to be home when they arrived. This eventually became an issue with the nursing school, but her son’s safety would have to come first.

Meanwhile, living with Tabatha for almost three months, Rayne realized, was like living with her husband. Tabatha would get a job and then quit after she received two or three paychecks. And when she was without a job, she claimed she was scared to ask her kid’s father for help. Rayne was cooking, cleaning, and helping all the kids with homework. She also bought clothes, shoes, and groceries for Tabatha’s kids as well as her own. Rayne did whatever it took to provide a warm bed for the kids to sleep in, food in their stomachs, and a roof over their heads. Rayne was forced to ask her parents for help—help she hated asking for, as she had always tried to be independent. She wasn’t getting any financial help with her own kids from her husband and she wasn’t getting paid to go to school. She began to stress, wondering what had she gotten herself into. To put the cherry on top, Rayne received a phone call saying Tabatha had told them that she didn’t need to work and that Rayne had told her that she would take care of her and her kids. Rayne knew it was time to put her children first… again. When she had gotten pregnant with her son, she always said that he would come first. Then she had her daughter. Now they both would come first. It was time to make some more life-changing decisions for Rayne. Starting her divorce decree and getting out of her