Stubborn Love: A Recommitment to Live When Giving up Seemed so Much Easier

By Cheryl Ott

SUICIDE

In America

Every fifteen minutes, someone dies by his or her own hand.

More than 2,000 people attempt suicide every day.

Sadly, these numbers include Christians who do not have the skills needed to navigate a crisis or temporary hardship. Swallowed by depression, despair, and hopelessness, they die by their own hand.

Stubborn Loveis a true story about a Christian college student in her twenties and her fight to stay alive after a suicide attempt landed her in a hospital psych ward.

Those struggling with depression/suicide will learn:

Depression does not have to be a LIFE sentence. To find courage to choose life and LIVE again. How to break free of despair and discover HOPE. How to realign your heart with TRUTH. About the authors dramatic rescue by LOVE.

Those who love someone struggling with suicidal thoughts will learn:

Why suicide happens. The desperation that happens inside the mind and heart of a suicide survivor. How to comfort those bereaved by suicide.

"Cheryl Otts story is a vivid narrative of the pain of loss and the journey that follows. Readers who have experienced similar griefs will find comfort that they are not alone. Discover here a hope greater than despair and a love more powerful than death." Albert Y. Hsu, author, Grieving a Suicide

Stubborn Love is a must read for every discouraged, depressed, despairing, or even suicidal person, whether they are a believer in Christ, or not. Cheryl Ott has dared to take on a taboo topic, and has given us a clear message of hope; telling the story of her journey through the dark night of the soul, and into the light of revelation of her Father s unconditional love. Robyn Green, author,A Marriage Of Destiny

You can view the Stubborn Love book trailer here: http://vimeo.com/34671123#

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 11, 2012
• ISBN: 9781449733582

Cheryl Ott

Cheryl Ott is a suicide survivor. She is the founder of Anchor of Hope International, an organization aimed at reducing the incidence of suicide. Her mission is to give hope to millions of hopeless people through education and advocacy. She lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. You can visit www.anchorofhopeinternational.org to contact Cheryl about speaking engagements.

Book preview

Contents

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Introduction

Part One

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Part Two

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

6 Biggest and Deadliest Suicide Myths

A Safety Agreement/

A No-Suicide Contract

Resources

Recommended Reading

"There are three ways of committing suicide:

taking my own life, letting myself die

and letting myself live without hope."

— Brennan Manning, author, Lion and Lamb

For those who have lost someone you love—to suicide.

Acknowledgments

My friend, Felicita Myers, your encouragement for me to submit my story for the writing contest was the push that I needed. Thank you. Women of Faith, Inc., your Writing Contest motivated me to finish a story I started writing seven years ago. Thank you.

Ever the cheerleader and friend, Christina May, you were the first to read chapter one, then two and finally the entire manuscript—out loud. You have served as a midwife to birth this baby. Thank you for your faithful and loving support.

God knew I would have lost my mind without you, Jackie Macgirvin, thank you for your skillful editorial assistance. When you said, yes, to partner with God and me on this project, I knew everything was gonna be all right!

My faithful intercessors and friends, Ronnie Brown, Teresita Larentowicz, Marty Fulton, and Robyn & Martin Green I could not have endured this arduous process without your loving prayers and faithful support— thank you.

My preview audience – my sisters – Christina Ortega, Shawna Summers, Darcy Weinhold, Jean Taylor, Betty Yater, Melanie Chiang, and my brotha, Jaret Wilson, thank you for your insightful feedback.

Thank you Robyn Green for your excellent freelance proofreading skills.

The book cover design is the work of Founder/Creative Director of LoveArts Design Studios, my brother, Joshua Dingle –thank you, bro. The author photo is the work of Kenneth Bentley @ LoveArts Photography –thank you, Kenny.

And last, but certainly not least, there may not have been a Cheryl Ott, author of Stubborn Love, without the skillful and necessary intervention of my best good friend, Theresa Noye. Friend, I’m so thankful that God allowed our paths to cross in the summer of 93’. I’ll always be grateful that you allowed me the good fortune of being your first white friend. And how can I say, ‘thanks’ for listening to your gut and following the intervention protocol in March 96’. Quite possibly, I’m alive today because you cared, and by God’s grace—intervened. Thank you, Friend.

Foreword

Cheryl is a beautiful woman, anointed, and on fire for God. She is passionate about helping the hurting. Her whole life is an offering poured out on the altar for the Lord and His people. Cheryl spends much of her time in worship and intercession doing the self-sacrificing work that many Christians neglect.

As her pastors of 10 years, we clearly see who she is now so when we read her journey of pain and victory we are reminded of the amazing transforming power of God to take our broken pieces and make a beautiful masterpiece of broken lives.

Just like the Lord brought Cheryl up from the grave of hopelessness, He can rescue anyone—from those struggling with depression and desperation—to those who are considering giving up on life.

You will be inspired by Cheryl’s story. As you walk the journey with her you will hear the Lord whisper, My love will never let you go.

Drs. Clarence and Ja’Ola Walker

The Walkers have appeared nationally on many radio and television programs including the 700 Club, and are featured speakers at conferences and seminars throughout the United States.

Pastors and Founders of Fresh Anointing Christian Center, Philadelphia.

Dr. Clarence Walker, author, Biblical Counseling with African Americans and Breaking Strongholds in the African American Family.

Dr. Ja’Ola Walker, author, The 8 Powers of A Woman.

Introduction

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention estimates that every minute someone attempts suicide—approximately one million people every year. Every fifteen minutes someone dies by suicide, over 34,000 Americans each year.

Most people either know of someone or personally have lost a loved one to suicide. When a loved one dies by suicide a minimum of six other people have been catastrophically affected.

In 1999 the Surgeon General noted more teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from heart disease, cancer, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, flu, chronic lung disease and AIDS—COMBINED.

Sadly, these numbers include Christians who did not have the coping skills needed to navigate through a crisis, depression or a temporary hardship. Instead, untreated depression, despair and hopelessness led to an acute depressive episode and they died by their own hand.

Tragically, suicide remains a topic largely ignored in the body of Christ, even though depression, despair and hopelessness are common responses to hardships, afflictions and crises for believers as well as non-believers.

Stubborn Love is a riveting story about a college student, in her twenties, and her fight to stay alive when giving up seemed so much easier. This is a true-story of her desperate struggle with acute depression, suicidal ideas and her suicide attempt.

This story is also about a dramatic rescue by Love. How He won the affection of her heart and rescued her from the black hole of suicidal despair. How He gave her hope and a future she never dreamed possible. I’m Cheryl and this is my story.

Part One

A Cry For Justice

Chapter 1

I’ll Make Them Pay

The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.

Publilius Syrus (Roman author, first century BC)

I’ll make them feel pain for their conditional love, I thought. Wait. Was this my thought? Where did this idea come from?

Yeah! That’s what I’ll do. I’ll make them feel my pain forever. Suddenly, I realized I had a boisterous one hundred-voice choir in my head, echoing my thoughts and feelings.

Or was it their song reverberating in my head? I don’t know!

The disharmony of the voices never let up!

Go to the train tracks. Throw yourself in front of a fast train.

They won’t know why I took my life. I have to write a letter, don’t I? Yeah, I need to write a letter. I want them to know—they were responsible.

I grabbed my spiral notebook, ripped out a sheet, and began to scrawl my final goodbye.

Dear Family and Friends,

I am sorry to have caused you so much pain and embarrassment recently—so much that you wouldn’t look me in the eyes during the entire weekend I was home for Christmas. Yes, I know it was because you couldn’t bear the fact that I chose to cut my hair—a mortal sin according to your beliefs. Of course, you’re also angry that I left the church, and I’m now going to a black church—even though they’re also one God, apostolic, tongue talkers who are Jesus ONLY believers, as you would say. But, I don’t get it! I don’t understand how you could say that our church was the only way and had the truth, yet shun me. Where is the love? Or is only God’s love unconditional? I can’t bear the pain of conditional love. I knew what to expect when I chose to leave the church, cut my hair, pierce my ear lobes, and wear blue jeans. I’ve seen it my entire life. But, I was completely unprepared to experience the reality of conditional love for myself. The emotional pain and distance is simply too much. It haunts me day and night. It’s all I think about. I needed your love. I’m sorry. I love you. By now, you may be feeling a measure of what I’ve been feeling for more than a year. Sorry, I just can’t manage the torment and pain any longer.

Please forgive me.

Cheryl

Trembling inside and out, I folded the gloomy suicide note, tucked it inside an envelope, licked the flap, and sealed it.

I wrote the letter—done!

I opened my desk drawer and placed it inside.

Eventually, someone will find it, I guess.

The one hundred-voice choir chanted to me: Go ahead. Kill yourself. Make them pay for their conditional love. Make them feel the pain you feel—FOREVER!

Afraid that one of my friends would show up unannounced and intercept or delay my plans, I hurriedly put on my jean jacket, took a deep breath, glanced up and down the hall, and exited my dorm.

It was Saturday. Students were either in their rooms, the library, or off campus enjoying the day.

The field covered with fall foliage—once vibrant with hues of red, orange, and yellow had faded. The leaves crunched and crackled underfoot.

The scenic campus was no longer in view. The air was damp and chilly. I was cold and fear was building with each step.

My tight hamstring muscles were being stretched with every stride, up a very steep embankment. Out of breath, I reached the top of the rugged hill, looked down, and stared at the railroad tracks.

Any minute now, a train will speed