Susie . . . Wait!: A Journal of Family, Love, Friendship, Love, Anguish, Love, Guilt, Love, Empathy, Love, Betrayal

By Helga Harris

As a young child, Helga admired an older girl named Susie, and had told herself that if she were ever lucky enough to have a daughter, she would name her Susie. Helgas dream comes true.

When, at age fifty-four, Susie is diagnosed with cancer, Harris resorts to journaling, not only to help her understand the horrific circumstances, but to chronicle these events in her life as well as Susies. Helga explores all aspects of their relationship ... the closeness of mother and daughter, as well as the divisiveness and disappointments.

Within the small but closely-knit Harris family, a matter of utmost concern is Ali, Susies fourteen-year-old daughter, adopted when abandoned as a baby in China. The matriarch, now in her eighties, finds herself coping with a granddaughter in the throes of teenaged angst, heightened by the possibility of once again being abandoned by her mother.

Harris writes with heart-wrenching honesty, revealing emotions that run the gamut from anguish, confusion, disbelief, frustration, to humor and hope for a miracle that she doesnt really believe in. She rues the sins of commission and omission on both her part and Susies. But always, there is unconditional love for her family and their celebrations and traditions. Helga pleads: Susie ... WAIT!

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 12, 2017
• ISBN: 9781462037032

Helga Harris

Helga Harris was born in Berlin, Germany, and moved with her family to New York City in 1938. As a young child she dreamed of being a fashion designer. She attended Brooklyn College and graduated from Pratt Institute. Helga achieved her goal and designed in the fashion industry for forty years. She moved to Miami in 1973, where she had her own fashion label. Helga taught fashion design at the University of Miami, and Bauder Fashion College. After moving to Sarasota in 1990, she was a design instructor at The Sarasota Vocational Technical School. Throughout her life Helga painted and has had numerous art exhibits in New York, Pennsylvania, Miami and Sarasota. For the past fifteen years writing has been her first love. Her memoir, Dear Helga, Dear Ruth, was published, as well as several articles in The St.Petersburg Times, The Sarasota Herald Tribune and The Tampa Tribune. Harris has contributed stories to anthologies, including Doorways, Dolls Remembered, and various magazines. Her most recent collection, We Were There, was published by the St.Petersburg Holocaust Museum. Helga Harris is a Co-Leader in a writing program at The Lifelong Learning Academy. (USF) She lives in Sarasota, Florida.

Book preview

Susie … WAIT!

A journal of family, love,

friendship, love,

anguish, love,

guilt, love,

empathy, love,

betrayal

HELGA HARRIS

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SUSIE… WAIT!

A journal of family, love, friendship, love, anguish, love, guilt,

love, empathy, love, betrayal

Copyright © 2017 by Helga Harris.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

iUniverse

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4620-3702-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4620-3703-2 (e)

iUniverse rev. date: 07/20/2017

Contents

Dedications

Acknowledgments

2007 The Best Year Ever July, 2007

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Wednesday, October, 28, 2009

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ali

Is This Art? October 30, 2009

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Tunes In The Park (Laurel Park) Saturday, November 7, 2009

Moffitt Cancer Center Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Talk With Ali Saturday, November 14, 2009

Is It True? Nov. 18, 2009

Hannah Senesh

Musing…

Thanksgiving Thursday, November 26, 2009

Help… There’s A Chicken Attacking Me! Sunday, Nov. 29, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

Sunday December 6, 2009

Monday December 7, 2009

Black Friday Friday December 11, 2009

Chanukah Saturday December 12, 2009

Brick Laying On Rawls Street Saturday, December 19, 2009

Food And Friends

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

December 31, 2009

Friday, January 1, 2010; noon

Black Wednesday Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Black Wednesday Black Friday Black Sunday Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Wednesday, January 14, 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

Tuesday, January 26, 2010, A.M.

Black Tuesday Tuesday, January 26, 2010 Same day, P.M.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Little Girl, Where Are You Going? Thursday, January 28, 2010

Susie… WAIT!

How Long Will You, Can You, Should You, Hold On? Monday, February 1, 2010

Jay Arrives Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Monday, February 8, 2010

Black Tuesday February 9, 2010

Another Black Tuesday

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Jeffrey’s Annual Aquarius Party Saturday, February 13, 2010

Finally

Ali Sunday, February 14, 2010

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Super Procrastinator

Friday, February 19, 2010

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sunday, February, 21, 2010

Monday, February 22, 2010

Another Black Tuesday Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hospice The same day, P.M.

Ali’s Fourteenth Birthday Wednesday, February 24, 2010 A.M.

Afternoon of the same day

Ali’s Birthday Dinner Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Hospice

Friday, February 26, 2010

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Afternoon Of The Same Day

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sarasota Youth Symphony Concert Same day, 7 P.M.

Another Tuesday Tuesday, March 2, 2010 A.M.

Same evening 8:24 P.M.

Same day 9 P.M.

The same night

Obituary SUSAN (SUSIE) HARRIS March 8, 1955-March 2, 2010

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010 Susie’s fifty-fifth birthday

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I Hurt, I Ache, I Want To Scream Midnight, Saturday, March 13, 2010

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Celebration Of Susie’s Life With Love and a Song in My Heart (Susie’s chosen song) Saturday, March 27, 2010

Don’t Tell Me… Monday, March 29, 2010

Our First Passover Seder Without Susie Wednesday March 31, 2010

The Youth Orchestra Concert At Van Wezel April 17, 2010

Pine View School—End Of Year Band Concert April 27, 2010

Mother’s Day Susie, I’m Angry At You Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Awakening Fourteen Year Old May 27, 2010

Ali’s Graduation from Middle School Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Keep Thinking . . . LOOK WHAT YOU DID! Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Wedding Dress September 17, 2010

October 2-3, 2010

October 15, 2010

Ali October 16, 2010

A Year Since Susie’s Kidney Cancer Prognosis October 24, 2010

The Girlfriends

Recollections Our Trip To Berlin In 1997

October 29, 2010

November 6, 2010

Sunday November 7, 2010

WIT Nov. 10, 2010

November 15, 2010

November 19, 2010

ALI Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Day After Thanksgiving Friday, November, 26, 2010

ALI November 30, 2010

Winter Violin Concert Saturday, December 18, 2010

No Coffin… PLEASE! December 27, 2010

Decades Later

Societies Revive A Jewish Ritual

New Years Eve 2010/2011

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The 2011 Aquarius Party Saturday, February 12, 2011

Ali’s Fifteenth Birthday February 24, 2011

Susie’s First Yahrzeit (Anniversary of death) Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Seder and Susie’s ⁵⁶th Birthday Wednesday, March 8, 2011

An Important Chapter Ends Thursday, March 9, 2011

About The Author

Dedications

ALI HARRIS

The love of my life

JEFFREY HARRIS

My eternal love and gratitude.

Your understanding my aches soothed me

JAY HAAS

Your love, loyalty and clear thinking made

Living through these tumultuous times possible

KARIM GHAZLI

Whose love and dedication never wavered

DENNIS FRANKLIN

The best friend anyone can have

Friends, and friends of the

LAUREL PARK ASSOCIATION

Your support was amazing

IN MEMORY OF SUSAN HARRIS

With unbound love

Susie, I know you are watching us

I’m still looking for you

You will never be forgotten

hh

Acknowledgments

W riting my daughter’s obituary was surreal… the most difficult project I ever undertook. No matter how dreadful the thought, my inner voice guided me on.

Initially, I had no thought of making my private journal public. My friends were greatly supportive, whether by words or reassurance, and convinced me that I was not alone in my anguish. Perhaps in reading my words, people in the same emotional circumstances will realize that their thoughts are normal, and eliminate the guilt.

BILL ANDREWS and I met over a decade ago in a writing workshop at Lifelong Learning Academy. He is a friend and editor, who knows where I should put the periods and correct my tenses, then questions me, Helga, do you really need that sentence?

MADONNA DRIES CHRISTENSEN has entered my writing life from out of the blue. She’s an angel beyond belief. Her help has been enormous in editing and guiding me on.

SENA ARLANDSON has a way of getting information out of me. You need to put that in your book, she says as we snack on fruit salad and drink iced coffee in my house.

My son JEFFREY and his wonderful partner, LAURIE JONES are always supportive.

BARBARA LUPOFF is my in-house librarian. My calls are welcome at any time. She habitually has the right answer.

And special thanks to my colleagues in the writing workshop of the Lifelong Learning Academy. They have heard bits and pieces throughout the process of transforming my journal into this book. Their input and encouragement has been invaluable.

2007

The Best Year Ever

July, 2007

T wo thousand and seven was one of the happiest years of my life. My son, Jeffrey, and his partner, Laurie, were in a wonderful relationship; Susie, my daughter, her partner, Karim, and my granddaughter, Ali, were a great trio… and I was well.

For my eightieth birthday, Susie, Jeffrey and Ali presented me with an incredible gift: an eight-day stay in Vancouver plus a weeks cruise to Alaska. Alaska had been at the top of my wish list for years, and accompanied by my two children and granddaughter, it was a dream, come true.

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During that glorious trip and in the days that followed, I had time to reflect on the question: What is most important in my life? FAMILY, of course, so with that conclusion in mind I lost no time. The day I came home from my vacation, I dialed a number from my old address book, hoping that it was still viable. My heart began beating wildly while I waited for someone to pick up the phone. If no one answers should I leave a message? After the fourth ring I didn’t have to question my thoughts any longer.

Hello? I recognized the voice.

Hello. This is Helga, from out of your past.

There was a long pause and then just another non-committal, Hello. I understood the hesitation. This was Marsha, one of my brother’s two daughters. We had not been in contact for the last thirty-seven years! She sounded hesitant, so I tried to make the conversation easy… small talk… short. I didn’t want her to hang up. There had been decades of silence. The conversation felt strained, therefore, I promised to call at another time. Before reluctantly saying goodbye, I said that I would call her sister.

A short time later, my phone rang. It was Sharon who had just heard the news of my call from Marsha. She was exuberant and in no time Marsha and Sharon had made flight reservations to Sarasota from New York to see me and others in the family. The four first cousins, now in their early fifties, were teenagers the last time they saw each other. The prospect was exciting. For years I had been thinking about writing a letter, but never did. And to think this reunion took only a phone call! I made a dinner party in honor of Marsha and Sharon, and introduced them to my extended family, especially Laurie, Karim, and Ali. It was a marvelous rebirth… reunion… euphoric. What took so long? . . . Stubbornness!

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The next important event took place on September 15th, my actual birthday. Fifty family members and friends were at Jeffrey’s house to celebrate the occasion. It was not a surprise party. Ati, is a dear friend I met in Miami in 1977, who lives in Berlin, flew in from Germany for the party. That most certainly was a surprise.

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In mid-December of 2007, I flew to Santiago, Chile, to be the surprise gift at my friend Ruth’s eightieth birthday celebration. Ruth was my first playmate in Berlin when we were five-year-old kindergarten children. She’s the person in the title of my memoir, Dear Helga . . . Dear Ruth. When her daughter proposed the visit, I didn’t hesitate for a moment. At our age I thought it might be the last time Ruth and I would be together. We’ve been friends for seventy-eight years.

2007 was a glorious year.

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My life had been good, carefree, and happy, for many years. Then, about a year ago my gut began to send me messages. A friend once told me that "Nothing is forever." So I began to wonder, when will the balloon burst? When will it happen . . . the kick in the behind?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

I t hit hard… big time… totally unexpected. Susie has a malignant kidney tumor. It must be removed immediately, followed by chemo and radiation. Where did this come from? I knew nothing of Susie’s persistent back pain, which she now said she had been experiencing since the summer. But how do back problems correlate to kidney cancer? The affliction was so bad in those months that sometimes Susie got only two hours of sleep but still continued to go to work. Karim finally persuaded her to see a doctor. In the middle of sleepless nights, Susie would wake Karim to ask questions, logical or irrelevant. He, too, was sleep deprived. It had been common for her to get out of bed to correct school papers or write report cards. Her students were always on her mind.

What can I say? My first reaction… we’re lucky to have the immediate family here; we will all help… do whatever is necessary.

And what will Ali’s reaction be? She’s only thirteen and has never heard such bad news. All of us will take care of her… protect her… give her our unconditional love… and hope. I feel confident, but it will be a long haul.

Pray? . . . Why not? . . . To who? . . . To Whom? . . . Who knows?

Susie will be okay… won’t she?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

C an this be real? This gruesome situation must be a nightmare… I want it to be a nightmare… but I know it isn’t. I take naps to escape the situation, but the problem is still present when I wake up. Amazingly, I’m able to sleep. But the nightmares, in sleep and in reality, continue.

Jeffrey and Laurie told me the bad news tonight. I hadn’t expected them, but when I opened the door and looked into their teary, sad eyes… I knew. After a caucus, the doctors were in agreement not to operate. Susie is too ill. Removing the kidney will kill her. And leaving it in her body… what will that do? She will be on a magic chemo pill for twenty-eight days… price $8,000 per month. Off for two weeks… re-examined… hopefully the mass would have shrunk, and if it did… continue the process for another month. The bad news… the medication will make her very tired… she’ll be on pain killers. Narcotics can have serious side affects. After Susie questioned her doctor, he assured her, You will not become an addict.

Jeffrey, don’t protect me… I want to know all the facts, no matter, how horrible, I begged him.

It’s not true… It’s not so… What about Ali?

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Tuesday… Another bad Tuesday in my life. But Susie was born on a Tuesday… that was a glorious Tuesday.

Wednesday, October, 28, 2009

S usie wanted Jeffrey and Laurie to tell me the news, but they didn’t agree. How long can she shield me? I want to know, no matter how horrific.

Reluctantly, she came to my house. We sat next to each other on the couch… for quite some time not verbalizing… in total silence… just looking into each other’s eyes… the message was obvious… tears streaming down our faces. I cradled her in my arms and stroked her face, aware of the tears. This is my baby . . . the child I always wanted . . . and now . . . what?

Mom, this is very bad news. She looked down at her hands, twisting her fingers nervously, and then blurted out, It’s STAGE FOUR cancer!