A Parent's Guide to Having an Au Pair: Everything You Need to Know About Choosing, Managing, And Living With an Au Pair

By Diana Goble

Everything you need to know about choosing, managing and living with an au pair.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jul 31, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543942149

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I am a working mother of twin boys. When my children were about three years old, I changed jobs. My husband and I realized we could no longer afford the bevy of nannies that were frequenting our house. We had to find another child care alternative. After talking to a number of people, we decided to get an au pair, but we didn’t have a clue about what to do, how to pick one out, or how to handle a stranger in our house.

We proceeded, over the next 10 years, to learn everything through the school of hard knocks, the same method used by most families who host au pairs. Now, it is true that it might take you a while to feel comfortable with your au pair selection and management process, but we are hopeful that this book can help you avoid some of the bigger mistakes made by myself and others.

As a professional writer and software engineering manager, I believe that having some guidelines, templates, and direction can make any task easier and less daunting. My husband and I have shared our knowledge with many people that we know, but there really seems to be a need to reach a broader audience with our common-sense approach to having au pairs.

So, you think you want to get an au pair.

A Parent’s Guide to Having an Au Pair helps parents navigate the confusing world of J-1 VISAs, U.S. State Department sanctioned agencies, and having a strange girl who doesn’t speak much English living in your house and looking after your precious children. This book was written with the United States perspective and legal requirements, but much of this book applies to any au pair in any country.

Now that is a frightening thought. But this book can help you improve your odds of having a wonderful experience being a host parent. As for my family, we had really great experiences and really bad experiences. The information in this book comes from our own experiences and those of other host parents who kindly provided their input for this book.

Inviting a stranger into your home is a REALLY BIG undertaking and you must do your research first. This book is a good place to start. We welcome comments and input from reader’s, so we can continue to add ideas to this book and help other parents have a successful au pair experience. Please send your comments to [e-mail].

In this book, you will find a step-by-step guide for how to find the right au pair for you. This book is also filled with true stories about the various au pairs who have graced our doorstep and the doorsteps of our friends and colleagues.

Here is a chronology of our au pair experience, the names were changed to protect the identities of the innocent (and the guilty).

So, you’re thinking about getting an au pair?

Maybe not, but you’re thinking about how outrageously expensive your current nanny is or how much it costs for day care for multiple kids. Your situation is quite typical for many families. Maybe you only have one child now, but a second one is on the way. Day care can get pretty expensive for two children and if you have more than two children - look out.

True Story

When my children were very young, we had a nanny. Then we got another nanny, for evenings and weekends, so my husband and I would have a little time to ourselves. That worked until I decided to change jobs and accept a lower salary. As we reviewed our finances, we were shocked to discover that we had spent $60,000 on nannies the previous year. We couldn’t believe it and we certainly couldn’t afford that with my new job, so we were panicked - we had to find child care that didn’t cost so much.

I know most people who have a great nanny stick with them no matter what. Even with the high cost of nannies, losing your nanny can throw your entire life and family into chaos. But, what if you can no longer afford a nanny and don’t have helpful grandparents close by. You have to find an outside day care provider or have someone live in your home. Of course, there are down sides to both. If your children are going to school or have activities in the afternoon, you need to find a day care provider that can get your kids to and from their activities. Otherwise, your kids will have to drop these enriching activities. As the kids get older and their interests broaden, this gets to be an even bigger challenge.

If this story sounds familiar, having an au pair may be the answer for you.

How Do Nannies and Au Pairs Differ?

I am sure you are wondering, what is the difference between a nanny and an au pair? Well, there is a really big difference between a nanny and an au pair. Au pairs live with you, nannies typically don’t.

A nanny is usually a woman employed full-time to take care of one or more children in a family’s home. A nanny’s primary and sometimes only function is to care for the children. The assumption is that a nanny has been doing this type of work professionally for a number of years. A nanny is not there to care for the parents or make the beds, do the laundry, or scrub the toilets etc. Yes, some nannies agree to add a little something to their job description; but certainly not all of the above. A nanny is responsible for the child care (while on duty) and also for the housekeeping that pertains to the children.

Since a nanny is your employee, you must do everything an employer would do, including paying state and federal payroll taxes. It is strongly recommended that you do that because you never know, you might want to run for political office or you might get audited by the IRS someday. Payroll taxes are typically somewhere between 7 and 15% of the salary you pay. But, always check with your own tax consultant to be sure.

As with any other profession, there are placement agencies for nannies. So, in addition to the salary and taxes, you might have to pay a placement fee that could be up to 20% of the nanny’s first year salary, with little or no recourse, if it doesn’t work out.

The Au Pair Program is an educational and cultural exchange program defined by the United States State Department - with a child care component. Program participants come to the United States for up to 18 months to care for the children of an American family in whose home they live. At the same time, the au pairs are required to complete an educational component of six (6) semester hours of academic credit or its equivalent. At the end of one year, the au pair usually returns to their home country.

The Au Pair Program

Au pair is the French term for on par, reminding host families that, although you pay them a stipend, your international visitor is to be treated as a member of the family. The rules state that au pairs must be provided with a private bedroom, meals, a stipend, two weeks of vacation, and an education subsidy.

Au Pair participants can be boys or girls between the ages of 18 and 26 and are issued a J-1 Exchange visa, non-immigrant visa. However, most au pairs are girls, so we refer to them in this book as females. Visitors with a J-1 visa are expected to return to their home countries when they complete their programs. In theory, you could apply for a J-1 Exchange visa for a person that you identify yourself, but it could be difficult for you to meet all of the visa requirements without the support of a sponsoring organization. In addition, sponsoring organizations provide a Community Councilor who can help you and the au pair work out any issues. More about sponsoring organizations later.

The bottom line is that a nanny is your employee who is experienced with child care and an au pair is a cultural exchange student that takes care of the kids some of the time. First and foremost, the au pair program is a cultural exchange program designed to give foreigners an opportunity to live, work, and study in the United States, in that order.

For example, Nelly was told in her home country that the program was a study / work program versus a work / study program. A big misconception that sent her home in a hurry. She was totally consumed by the study portion and arranging classes and had no interest in looking after our children.

What an Au Pair Is and Isn’t

Before you start down the au pair path, it’s important to understand what the Au Pair program is and is not. First, you are not hiring a slave, who will live in the basement. I am not joking about this one.

True Story

Nancy came to us from another family that gave her a room in the basement without a window and made her go there at 8:00 pm every night because they wanted their own privacy.

In my mind, this is unacceptable, but it is for the local community counselor to decide.

You will have to think about and write down everything you want the au pair to do. They are not experienced child care providers, nor are they mind-readers. Most have just finished high school and their upbringing is probably quite different from yours. In the Planning for Arrival chapter, we discuss the set of rules, guidelines, and schedules you must write down before your au pair arrives. It is very important to ensure that your expectations are clearly conveyed to the au pair.

Keep in mind, if you have preschool-aged children it will take the au pair some time to get used to looking after children of this age all day. As I am sure we all know, it